by Sarah Price
She gasped at his words. “Abe!”
He held up his hand. “I can take no more, fraa[6]. First it was the issue with boppli. Now it is the headaches and fears of heart disease and brain tumors. And yet you are downplaying your bruder’s real illness! A true life-threatening illness!”
Her mouth fell open and she sat up, swinging her feet over the edge of the sofa. “What are you saying to me, Abe?”
“You need to see a doctor, Lydia, but I don’t think it’s a medical one that you need to be speaking to!”
It took a moment for his words to sink in. When she realized what he was saying, she quickly stood up and placed her hands on her hips. “Abe, I sure don’t appreciate that type of comment. I don’t need no head doctor!”
“It’s either a head doctor or the bishop, Lydia! I can take no more of this nonsense!”
The expression on his face frightened her. In the past, he merely had ignored her or made a few small comments before leaving the room. This, however, was different. There was finality in his tone of voice. He had never confronted her nor had he ever raised his voice to her before today. In fact, during her entire childhood, she had never heard her daed or mamm say a cross word to each other. His response caught her totally off-guard and she let her hand fall from her hip.
He walked toward her, his eyes piercing as he stared into her face. He seemed to be studying her, searching her face for something and she couldn’t help but wonder what it was that he sought. The answer soon became apparent when he stopped moving, standing a foot before her.
“Where are you, Lydia Miller? Where is the woman that I married? She is no longer before me, I fear,” he said, his voice a bit softer.
“I…”
He held up his hand to stop her from talking. “Nee, Lydia,” he commanded, his voice firmer than she had ever heard during their marriage. Stunned into silence, Lydia stared at him as he continued. “I don’t want to hear more excuses from your lips. I’m tired of excuses. You have to get some help, you hear me? You find glory in others’ misfortunes or flaws, yet, never once have you looked at yourself in the mirror. You hold yourself much higher than others, thinking you are above them in your needs and deeds.”
“That ain’t true!” she managed to say, her voice shaking.
“And your sicknesses!” He shook his head. “You make them up so rapidly, I can’t even keep track of them! There is a name for that condition, Lydia. I have asked my Mennonite friends. They call it hypa…hypochondria or something like that. And now you are dwelling on your death? It’s time, Lydia. Time for you to see someone.”
“I am not making them up!”
He softened his gaze and placed his hands upon her shoulders. Holding her at arms length, he stared into her brown eyes, his knees slightly buckled so that they were on a leveled ground. “I want my Lydia back,” he said softly. “She’s been gone far too long.”
She felt her heart pounding. Fear ran through her body. Did he really think that she was making up these illnesses? Did he truly believe that she found joy in others’ misfortunes? Was it possible that her own husband thought she so yearned attention that she would feign fatal illnesses?
“I can’t believe you would say such a thing,” she whispered, her eyes wide and staring at him. “Do you love me so little?”
Abe shook his head. “Nee, Lydia,” he responded. “It is because I do care so much about you that I simply cannot tolerate this anymore. It’s time to get some help and move beyond. Mayhaps releasing these…these fallacies will release some of the tension you feel and help you relax, relax enough to have that boppli at last.”
Back to the boppli, she thought bitterly. That’s what this was all about! Hiding her sudden shift in emotion, Lydia remained quiet. From the way Abe was acting, so self-righteous and bold, she knew better than to argue with him. Only now, his apparent lack of compassion and understanding caught left her speechless.
“Lydia?” he asked softly. “Will you agree to see someone about this?”
Had he been waiting for an answer? She narrowed her eyes and stared past his shoulder, her eyes trained on the window. She wished that she could ignore him, ignore his silly question and horrid demand. Still, she knew now that he thought she was crazy. Seeing someone meant a doctor but not the type of doctor that could cure her ailments. Instead, he wanted her to see a doctor that might prescribe her some medicine of a different nature. Medicine that the Englische were known to give to crazy people. And that was not something she wanted to do.
“Let me pray on it,” she finally responded, shifting her eyes to look at him directly. She tried to appear honest, as if actually considering his offer. “God will tell me what to do, Abe. That’s the best that I can offer.”
He raised an eyebrow and removed his hands from her shoulders. With a shallow nod of his head, he watched her. She wasn’t certain whether her response had made him happy or not but she certainly knew that it bought her time. If only she could convince her husband that she was truly ill, she knew that everything would change. It was just a matter of time, she told herself, as she quickly slipped away using the excuse that she had to make him supper. At least, that would buy her the evening and she’d have time to think hard on how to handle his proposition before next morning. Certainly, nothing could be done in the next few days, she thought, as she quietly began to open cabinets and pull out pots and pans in the hope that a good home cooked meal would assuage her husband’s suspicions.
Sadie
It had been a long and exhausting day for Sadie. Her sides ached, her head pounded and she was tired. Bone tired. She had never felt so tired in her life, not even after the spring plowing and autumn harvest. Working in the fields made her muscles ache but there was always something pleasing about having worked outdoors with her daed and bruders in years past. She could still remember the smell of freshly tilled earth under her shoes or the feel of cornstalks in her dry hands.
This kind of tired was different. She could barely lift her arms from her sides or move her feet as she trudged up the stairs. Desperate for relief from the pain throbbing at her temples, she shut the door to her bedroom and stretched out across her bed. The coolness of the quilt was comforting and she took a deep breath, shutting her eyes as she tried to relax. Too many ideas were swirling around in her mind. She felt sorrow wash over her, like the water from the pond on the hill.
Sadie wished she could swim now and let herself sink into the edge of the pond. Would the water wash away her fears? She knew that she should put her trust in God and the knowledge that He had a plan for her, one that she should not dare question. She knew that she should not fear the road that was suddenly lying wide open before her.
Yet she did.
Fighting the urge to cry, for far too many reasons than she cared to think about at the present moment, she shut her eyes and sighed. The doctor’s words rang in her ears and she knew that telling her sisters, especially Leah, would be hard. Very hard. She wasn’t certain that she had the strength to do it. And what about Manny? She cringed at the thought of what his reaction would be. Would he accept her after he knew? Would he accept what she had to do?
Indeed, that was the big question: What on earth was she going to do?
Her mind traveled back to the previous week. After working at Whoopie Pie Place all morning, she had managed to sneak a ride to the medical center with Michelle, telling Leah that she had an important errand to run. But Sadie hadn’t expected to be tied up for so long and the news had not been what she had wanted to hear.
Standing before the doctor in that too short, blue hospital gown, Sadie had been horrified to see that the doctor was a man. With her eyes averted, Sadie had shared her symptoms, her voice soft and barely audible. But the doctor had smiled and held up his finger, stopping her in midsentence.
“I’ll be right back,” he had said. True to his word, less than a minute later, he returned with a woman, Dr. Conceicao. He had quickly explained that it might be more comfor
table for Sadie to talk with a female doctor and, to her relief, he had left the two of them alone.
Indeed, as the woman stood before her, Sadie’s words flowed easier and Dr. Conceicao nodded her head, listening with deep concentration and without any sign of emotion on her face. It wasn’t that her expression displayed a lack of caring. No, it was something different. It was a look that said it all: I’ve heard it all before. You can confide in me.
Sadie had known immediately, just from looking at Dr. Conceicao’s face, that something was wrong.
Oh, whom was she kidding, anyway? She had known it before she had gone to see Dr. Conceicao.
In hindsight, she knew that she should have no complaints about that exam. Dr. Conceicao had been very attentive to her situation and understanding of her discomfort while talking to her through the examination. Then, when she had finished examining Sadie, the doctor had invited her to come sit down and talk in the privacy of her office.
“Sadie,” she had said, leaning forward in her chair. “I’m not going to tell you that I’m not concerned. That’s a very large lump and the fact that it is so painful…” Dr. Conceicao’s voice trailed off, leaving the rest of the sentence unsaid and lingering between them. “I want you to go to Pomerene Hospital. I have a colleague who will see you. He deals with other Amish women and will do a more thorough examination in the same appointment. He understands how hard it is for you to go back and forth. If he sees something, he’ll arrange for you to have a biopsy on the spot.”
Sadie had nodded her head despite the fact that she felt faint. Lump? Concerned? Biopsy?
“I took the liberty of asking them to have a pathologist ready to read the results, Sadie. It might still take a day or two but, from the size of that lump, I have to admit that it is most suspicious. I do not like it one bit.”
Swallowing, Sadie had asked the question that was hanging over her head. “What happens if it turns out to be…” She had hesitated before she could say the word. It tasted like spoiled milk on her tongue. “Cancer?”
Dr. Conceicao had glanced at the floor, avoiding her eyes. And Sadie knew. The verdict was already in. The tests that the doctor wanted were just formalities. “You’d be scheduled for either a lumpectomy or a mastectomy as soon as possible and then, we’d have you meet with an oncologist for the follow-up treatment based on the results of examining the tumor.”
There had been no “if” in that sentence. No reassurance that this might not be a possibility.
Sadie had been smart enough to schedule the second appointment to coincide with Leah and Tobias’ appointment with Dr. Bodine. She didn’t tell anyone, not wishing to raise unnecessary alarm among the family. Yet, if something was discovered, she knew she’d appreciate Leah’s presence on the ride home.
When they had finally arrived at the medical center for Tobias’ appointment earlier that day, Sadie had excused herself and made her way toward the hospital to locate the radiology center. The different floors and hallways confused her and she had to stop twice to ask for directions.
When she finally found it, the receptionist had handed her forms to fill out and asked for a credit card to pay the bill. When Sadie had stumbled over her explanation that she didn’t have a credit card, the woman behind the desk had rolled her eyes. Fortunately, an older woman had walked by, a pile of folders in her hand, and spotted Sadie standing there with the clipboard and pen in her hand.
“Send her back, Janice,” the other woman had directed the receptionist, a gentle and understanding tone in her voice. “I’ll arrange a payment plan with her afterwards.”
The digital mammogram and subsequent ultrasound had been awful enough. She had never had anyone look at her breasts, not like that. Even Dr. Conceicao had been more discreet, looking away when she had conducted the initial breast exam at the other medical center the prior week. Sadie had fought the urge to cry on the table when the doctor, a man at that, had spread the cold gel over his ultrasound probe and run the instrument all over her breasts for what seemed to be a very long time.
And then, she had glanced over, just in time to see his expression. He had paused the probe right over the spot where she knew the lump was located. When he pressed, just a little bit, a wave of pain shot through her chest and she cringed.
“That hurts?” he had asked, one eyebrow neatly raised over his left eye as he looked at her.
Her response had been a simple nod of her head while she squished her eyes shut, fighting back those dreaded tears.
“I want to arrange for a biopsy, Ms. Miller,” he had announced, leaving no doubt in her mind as to what he saw on the screen in the fuzzy white and black images that looked like a big blob to her: cancer.
Within thirty minutes, she had been at a second office and whisked into another room where she had been asked to lie on a table. A doctor and a nurse came in, smiled pleasantly and explained what they were going to do. Their words went in one ear and out another. Needles? Aspiration? Pathologist? The entire procedure took less than ten minutes but the pain of the local anesthesia and the humiliation of having even more people looking and touching her one breast was more than she could bear. She cried.
Before Michelle had driven her back to the farm, Sadie had wanted to confide in Leah. But with everything that was happening with Tobias, she thought better of placing her burdens on her oldest sister’s shoulders. Leah was already a nervous wreck for having left Tobias alone in the hospital. I’ll wait for the pathologist report, Sadie had finally decided. No sense alarming anyone on a what-if…
During the drive home, it had been easy to shed tears for Tobias as Leah explained what had happened. From the back of the van, Sadie felt terribly alone and out of place without Tobias beside her. Leah sat up front, wringing her hands and repeating what the doctor had said, not once but twice. At one point, Leah almost broke down but, being the strong one in the family, she forced the emotions to stay deep within her and let others cry on her behalf. Sadie had been only too overwhelmed to oblige her oldest sister.
Now, as Sadie laid on the bed, feeling her heart palpitating inside of her chest, she knew that she had to get up and prepare for sharing supper with the family. There was no sense in hiding in her room and feeling sorry for herself. She had to put on a happy face, especially during this time of need. With Tobias’ illness and hospitalization, Leah was an emotional wreck and that meant Sadie would need to step in to help with all that she could.
After checking on the kinner, Sadie went into the kitchen to see what food she could muster up for supper. She hadn’t intended on being in her room as long as she did . What a day this had turned out to be. One she would not likely ever forget. But, as she had learned from her mamm and from Sister Leah, she must put her own emotions aside and help those around her. Let this be God’s will, as she has heard the bishop, her mamm and Leah reference so often. But, it was hard, she thought, to accept the hardships and bad news as God’s will.
When Thomas came in to wash up for the dinner meal, he looked at Sadie as he was drying his hands. His hair was a mess from having worked in the barn all day, his straw hat having left a ring of pressed hair around his head. Still, despite his own long day, he immediately expressed his concern for his wife’s sister. “Sadie, you feeling all right?”
“Ja, I’m ok. Just trying to get some food on the table. I need to get the kinner all washed up. I’m sorry it’s later than normal. I know you like a prompt meal.”
“Nee, don’t you fret none,” he said, trying to sound cheerful. “Too much going on around here to add to the fretting, ain’t so?”
She wanted to respond but found that there were no words that came out of her lips. Instead, she continued working.
Thomas leaned against the counter. “I sure do appreciate all that you do around here, Sadie. You are a right gut help. There is too much going on. Speaking of which, where’s Leah?”
She gestured in the direction of the bakery. “Said she was going to the bakery to call the hosp
ital and check on Tobias,” she explained.
“Surprised she’s not there with him and came home at all,” he commented. “Ja vell, best be collecting the kinner, then” Thomas gave her an understanding smile and tipped his head as he walked through the doorway in search of the children.
After the evening meal, while Sadie and Rebecca were doing the dishes, Sadie couldn’t help but overhear Thomas talking outside the open window in the front yard. With his deep voice, it was impossible not to hear, for it carried on the wind. Normally Sadie wouldn’t have cared but this time, straining her neck, she tried to see who he was talking to and wasn’t really surprised to see that Esther and Jacob were standing before him.
“Ja, it’s awful,” Thomas said with a solemn shake of his head. “Tobias has to stay in the hospital. You know how Leah gets. I’m surprised she left his side today, ” Thomas went on.
“I’ll watch the younger kinner, then.” Esther offered. “That will help some. Anything else I can do?” She added.
“Nee, not that I can think of. We have Sadie. And Rebecca and Sarah offered to help, too. Will have to wait until school’s out, mayhaps Saturday, I reckon. Ja, a true blessing to have them Leah and I are right grateful.”
With that, Sadie felt sick to her stomach and a lump formed in her throat. How was she ever going to tell them about her not feeling well? They needed her right now. Good ole Sadie, always putting others’ needs before her own. They would need her to help with the big order, help with the kinner and help with the house. Leah would want to spend time with Tobias at the hospital, of that Sadie was sure and certain. And it would be up to her to step into the role of caretaker. With so much going on, she couldn’t tell them about her own secret and add to their burdens. They needed strength and solutions, not more problems. No, she couldn’t tell them. Not now.