by P. J. Morse
I could have gone with several choices from my dating history, but I wanted to see someone I actually liked, so I suggested either Shane or Wayne, even if I hadn’t dated them. Both of them could use some free food, and they were laid back enough to go with whatever the producers suggested. After touring with those two, I knew enough about them to act like an ex. Now that Greg was in charge, I wondered which one he would choose.
The next morning, we were still waiting to find out if we would see parents or exes. Greg drafted Lorelai to give us our morning wake-up call. Ever the actress, she skipped from room to room. “Good morning! No special outfits today! All Patrick needs is your game face! Because the game is getting serious!”
“Serious!” I mocked, rolling out of bed. “So serious!”
We got dressed. The room felt so quiet without Cookie, but Andi snored loudly enough to fill some of the space. Then we lined up in the elimination zone, where Greg encouraged us to look excited.
“Okay, okay,” he said, “You’ve seen these shows, and you know what’s coming. But you don’t know if it’s your exes or your parents! So find a little surprise in that.” He began to hand out a can of Major Rager to each of us and told me, “Put the label toward the camera.”
Reluctantly, I twisted the can in Hare’s direction. Everyone else followed suit, except Andi, who was actually drinking hers. Lorelai was working on a range of surprised looks, opening her mouth all the way and then halfway, to see what would be just right.
“Don’t let your tongue hang out,” Hare advised her. “They always cut that out in editing.”
For the first time, I saw Tina smiling, in a genuinely happy way, not in a snarky way that resulted from watching another’s misfortune. Topaz looked stony faced and was tapping her toes hard against the floor. I couldn’t tell if it was from nervousness upon seeing an ex or a parent or if it was her usual annoyed condition.
“We might have to go through this a few times,” Greg warned us. “So, do what you can to look shocked each time!”
Patrick came down the stairs. He had a few index cards in his hand, so he could rattle off the names of each person who came through the front door. The cameras turned to him as he said, “I gotta admit, this is my favorite part of the whole season. I’ve been seeing a whole lot of your good sides, but not all of your bad sides. And — ” he looked at the index card quickly for a cue “ — I think these guys are going to deliver. Quite a crew we have coming through that door.”
Tina clapped. If I were going to see an ex, a real ex, and not Shane or Wayne, I wouldn’t be clapping. Lorelai kept her face still to deliver maximum surprise. Andi was preoccupied with drinking the last of her Major Rager, and Topaz was rolling her eyes.
“Topaz, are you ready to meet an old friend from the past?” Patrick asked.
Topaz sighed and stiffened her spine. “Bring it!”
“Here’s…” Patrick started laughing.
“Do we have to do that again?” Greg yelled from the side. “Jesus! Try harder!”
“This is funny!” Patrick snorted. He walked to the side and picked up an open can of Major Rager from a production assistant. He took several gulps.
“Oh, shit,” Topaz muttered, realizing who was going to walk through the front door. “What has that idiot done?”
Then Patrick walked back to the elimination zone. He made his face completely straight. “I’m ready,” he said. A la Ed McMahon, he declared, “Heeeere’s Kwame, aka MC Sizzler!”
“Sizzler?” I asked.
Topaz’s ex emerged. He was classic thug: all muscles and chains. His body reflected regular trips to the gym, and his face wasn’t half-bad either, but he insisted on appropriating the name of a chain restaurant. I tried not to laugh, and I saw Topaz fire a look at me. MC Sizzler stood beside her, gesticulating for no real purpose. He was wearing a T-shirt that declared his name, so we wouldn’t forget. He and Topaz just nodded at each other and made no physical contact.
Lorelai’s boyfriend came in next, and she delivered her carefully calibrated look of surprise. Her tongue did indeed stay in her mouth. Her boyfriend was also kind of cute, an athletic prepster. His name was Tad. He gave off the freshly scrubbed vibe of a Mormon missionary, and he seemed a little frightened while standing next to MC Sizzler.
Andi’s boyfriend walked in. He had a round, almost-pudgy face, but he was well over six feet and had thick arms. He smiled at all of us and then tore his shirt off, revealing two nipple rings and a chest full of tattoos, one of which said “DAN.”
“Meet Dan, everyone!” Patrick cheered. “Not that I really needed to tell you what his name was. He’s made it easy on us!”
Dan proceeded to whirl around the room. He ground his pelvis against Tina’s leg and made vaguely aggressive gestures toward MC Sizzler, who referred to him as “Chippendales trash.”
Dan approached me, and I kicked out my boot at him. Thinking better of getting close to me, he settled down by Andi, who pouted. “Why do you always have to steal all the attention?” she asked.
“Can I help it if I look so good?” he said, patting his washboard abs and straightening up his spiky hair.
I thought that Kevin must have plucked the guy out of Central Casting, but Dan seemed so taken with his own tanned body that he would have deserved an Oscar for Best Simulation of Narcissism.
And then Wayne came through the door, obviously stoned out of his mind. At least he remembered to trim his beard before he showed up. I thought they might have gone with Shane because he didn’t get quite as stoned as Wayne did, but they probably took one look at Wayne and knew they’d get some comic relief. He hugged me and said, “I’m scared, but Sizzler rocks!”
Then Tina shrieked.
I turned to see Tina’s ex-boyfriend, who was at least fifty. “Well, well…” I said.
“Now that guy’s a pimp! That’s what Sizzler says.” Wayne nodded toward the MC.
Sizzler nodded back and declared, “Straight-up pimp! Not diluted!”
Tina’s ex looked like the action star Steven Seagal, only without the ponytail and with a little extra weight. He was wearing an all-white suit that was more appropriate for Miami than Marin. Despite his resemblance to a pimp or the kind of guy who would run a gambling enterprise, Tina leapt upon him and wrapped her legs around his middle. I looked at Patrick. He seemed surprised, but certainly not as surprised as Greg, who looked as if he had been stabbed through the heart.
I could not wait to uncork my opinions about the exes, and I was thrilled when Greg pulled me and Wayne aside for a reaction interview. “So, take us through what just happened,” he said.
Before I had a chance to cut in, Wayne immediately responded, “That woman, Tina, just jumped her ex-boyfriend. And he looks like Steven Seagal. Awesome! And the Chippendales dancer, dude!”
Hare sighed heavily.
“What’s wrong with that, man? What’s the camera guy’s problem?” Wayne looked at me for guidance. “This TV thing is confusing.”
I patted him. “When they ask you to explain what just happened, they want you to re-tell the story, but you have to make it bigger and go step-by-step. Add all the details. The funnier, the better. Greg, am I right?”
Greg said, “You’re catching on.” He may have said this to me, but his eyes were on Tina, who was giving her ex a quick neck rub.
I heard Dan ask Andi, “Why don’t you do that for me?”
In the first time I ever heard Andi really, truly angry, she said, “Because you don’t deserve it.” Her ex just shrugged and started rubbing his abs, like he was buffing them to a shine.
“Watch and learn,” I told Wayne. I looked slightly away from the camera and at Greg. “You guys ready?” Tortoise and Hare swung into action. “So, Tina’s ex-boyfriend, who is old enough to be her father, comes into the room, and she squeals just like this: Squeee! And she jumps his bones and acts like a dog in heat. Absolutely no class!”
Hare said, “Pretty good. And your ex, we got some
reaction shots from him that were golden.”
“I am good at looking surprised,” Wayne admitted.
Greg advised, “Look surprised whenever you can. The more shocked you are, the more TV time you’ll get.”
“You seem pretty shocked yourself,” I said to Greg.
Greg said, “Well, Tina kept saying she was here for Patrick. Maybe I’ll go talk to her now.” He led Hare over and got an interview from them about what they thought of the other women and their exes. Judging from the body language of Tina and her ex, the two of them were restraining themselves from making out.
Finally, Greg tore himself away. His face was all red. “It’s bowling alley time. Now! All the exes, to the bowling alley! I’m staying here with the women.” He started circling his arm in the air, and the rest of the crew swirled around him. Despite his emotional entanglement with Tina and his skinny stature, he reminded me of Kevin for the first time.
I hoped that didn’t mean Greg was next on the killer’s list.
Chapter Twenty-Five:
The Interrogation
Once Greg had rounded up all the guys for the trip to the bowling alley, I grabbed Wayne’s arm. “You behave yourself!”
He was already digging in his pockets for a joint. “10-4. You should win this thing. Patrick Price has been looking at your ass all morning. Want me to punch him? I can.”
“Hold that thought,” I told him. Then I hugged him and let him go.
Wayne touched my face and held it steady for a moment, like he was inspecting me. “Do you like him?”
“What? Noooo…”
“You’re blushing! Muriel thought so. She did, too!” He turned serious and unclipped his mic. He whispered, “Don’t let this make you all cloudy in the head. You have to keep him safe, now.”
“I know,” I said.
Then Greg barked, “No conversations off mic! I told you! Clip it on and get in the Hummer!”
Once Wayne loaded himself in the Hummer, I ran up to the passenger window and saw Fred in the driver’s seat. “No coffee from the house today, Fred?”
Fred shook his head. “No, way! All Major Rager from here on out!” He raised his can like a satisfied customer.
I said, “I got a good friend in there, and you treat him like precious cargo.”
“The one who looks like Mark Twain, Junior?”
“That’s it.”
“He looked like he belonged to you. You got it, girl! Have fun back at the ranch!” Fred then tooted his horn and drove off.
After the Hummer left, we were stuck with Greg and a few other crew members. I missed Tortoise and Hare, who got the plum job of recording the bowling action. Greg made us wait outside while they finished some work around Wolf’s cabana.
Then he walked up and smiled, almost wickedly. “Time for the interrogation.”
None of the women looked happy when Greg used the word “interrogation.” A lie-detector test was a regular part of the dating-show genre. I wondered how a professional lie detector would respond to me. If anything, maybe Wolf would finally believe me when I said I was a detective.
Greg announced, “Each of you will be grilled by someone close to Patrick. So, Katherine, why don’t we start with you? Just walk up to the pool house, and open the door. This person is waiting for you.”
Was it the woman who won last season? Patrick’s mother? A former band member? I was so busy wondering that I tripped over one of the paving stones, and they made me shoot my walk to the pool house twice.
I turned the knob of the door and stepped inside. Then I gasped.
Sitting in one of Wolf’s orange recliners was Rex, the son of Sean Morgan. He was running a matchbox car along the arm of the chair. The camera guys were filming him, but he didn’t seem to notice them at all.
Greg came in behind me. “Well?” he asked.
“Okey-dokey.” Then I realized I was in one of my more cleavage-revealing tops, so I turned my back. “But… I am not dressed for an interview with a child!” I pointed at the cleavage created by my pink top. It wasn’t the biggest cleavage in the house, but a child was a child.
Greg rolled his eyes. “We’re aiming for a contrast. William Blake! Songs of Innocence and Songs of Experience!”
“You’re getting literary now? Are you the same guy who stole my book?” I asked.
“Hello, ma’am!” Rex called out, waving his truck at me.
I let the literature business go and marched right over. Rex did, in fact, look right at my cleavage, but I said, “Eyes up!” His eyes moved up obediently. “That’s better!”
Then I sat down in the opposite recliner. “So, Rex, what do you have to ask me today?”
Rex became calm, almost adult. He had his father’s nose and his mother’s coal-black, pin-straight hair. He arranged a stack of index cards in his lap. The words on them were in his own handwriting. “Patrick is my very good friend. Mommy tells me he was my daddy’s best friend.”
“Yes, that’s right,” I said. “I can tell that Patrick likes you very much.”
“He’s my godfather!” Rex said, throwing his hands in the air and wiggling in the recliner. “I’m gonna be just like him when I grow up!”
As much as I liked Patrick, I sincerely hoped that Rex’s ambitions revolved around making music, not dating twenty women at one time on national television. “Well, you are a determined, smart little boy, I just know it, and I am sure that you’ll be successful.”
Rex wrinkled his face as if he had just been forced to eat Brussels sprouts. “Cut the crap, sister. Do you like my godfather, or not?”
At this point, I started to think a lie detector test would have been more preferable than tough talk from a 10-year-old. “Yes, I do,” I said. “I wasn’t sure I’d like him at first, but I like him more and more.”
I didn’t have to lie for that answer, and Rex’s face softened. “Are you a… groupie?”
I couldn’t imagine what Rex’s mom had to say about groupies. From what I remembered, Haruko was an actress on a soap opera before she started dating Sean. She didn’t need to be a groupie. She probably thought the contestants on Atomic Love 2 sprang from the lowest life forms. With what she saw during the Car Wash Challenge, I couldn’t say I blamed her.
“No,” I said. “I’m not a groupie. I’m from the town where your father and your godfather grew up. Gardenia!”
“Ooooh… it’s stinky there!”
I smiled. Now we had something to talk about. “Yes, you can smell the fish in the Salton Sea there. Phew!”
Rex forgot briefly what he was supposed to say. “My grandma and grandpa live there. You gotta be tough to live there, Grandpa says.” He looked at me like I had earned some respect. “So, you’re not an actress or model or anything?”
“No. I went on the show because I liked your godfather and your father’s music, and your godfather is a good guy.”
Rex frowned. “But you’re not a groupie?”
“I don’t know where you get all this about groupies, but that’s most definitely not me. I can play the guitar, so I don’t have to hang around rock stars. I can make music myself.” I wished Greg had thought to set up a guitar so I could prove to Rex that I had a life outside reality television without divulging my day job.
“Okay! You can go now.” He climbed out of the recliner and shook my hand. “I think you’re all right,” he said. “And did I do a good job keeping my eyes up?”
“Yes,” I told him. Then, he walked me to the door and closed it behind me.
As soon as I emerged, Greg pulled me away from the other women. “We want them all to be surprised,” he said.
I laughed. Lorelai was going to regret that she fought Cookie in front of Rex, and I bet that all the others were even more awkward around kids than me.
Each woman emerged from the pool room in a state of shock, except for Andi. She folded her arms around her chest and said simply, “He gets me.” Then she walked over to the trees, stood there for a moment as i
f she were looking for someone, and headed back into the house.
“Well, a 10-year-old speaks her language,” Topaz groaned. “Looks like she wins this challenge.”
Tina asked, “When are the guys getting back?” She began to pace along the edge of the pool.
“Don’t get too excited. You keep humping that old guy, you might find yourself a ticket out of here,” Topaz said.
Tina seemed genuinely hurt, for once. “I thought you were on my side. And he’s not just some old guy. He’s my manager. We did date. I’m not gonna lie about that. But that was the past, and he’s done a lot of good for my career.”
Lorelai had to get mixed up in it. “It seems that your career is your primary concern.” She was nibbling on one of the brownies that she made.
“Butt out,” Topaz said. “This doesn’t concern you.”
“You know what, it is my business! She is my competition!” Lorelai stood up and waved her brownie in Topaz’s face.
Topaz froze. “You are getting crumbs on me. I bet you wish I’d hit you, but I’m not that dumb. Now back it up.”
“Cookie got kicked out because she was violent and trashy!” Lorelai yelled, her voice turning high.
“I would prefer it if you left my friend out of this,” I said. “You’ve stirred up enough shit for today.”
Greg got in the middle of all of us, but he kept an eye on Tina the whole time. “I think that the matter of Tina’s ‘manager’ is worthy of discussion. Let’s get off Lorelai’s nosiness and back to that. What’s going on with that?”
Tina pretended to be more interested in adjusting her bustier strap. “It’s none of your business.”
“Everything in this house is my business!” Greg shouted.
The camera guy who replaced Hare called out, “Yo, Greg! You’re not a part of the scene! Get out of the shot!”
“Dammit!” Greg walked back by the camera. “So, Tina, tell us your side of the story.”
“Not all relationships end badly!” Tina said into the camera, sticking out her chest. “I can’t help that I’m a real woman with real feelings!”
“Does that mean real feelings for your manager?” Lorelai asked.