by P. J. Morse
“Shut up! God, you people! He’s my friend, and that’s that. If some of you — ” here she looked at Greg “ — want to get jealous, then that’s your problem. It doesn’t mean anything.”
“It means a lot to Patrick.” I said “Patrick,” but I looked off to the side at Greg. He caught what I meant, but he looked down at his notepad and started scribbling.
Then I heard movement at the front of the house. Watching Greg get his heart broken was not my idea of entertainment, so I was first to see the guys getting back from the bowling expedition. I counted the number of guys who came through the doorway: Patrick, Wayne, Sizzler, Tad, Tina’s “manager,” and the crew.
Hare asked me, “Can you get Andi for me, please? I gotta get a new battery pack.”
“What’s up?” I asked. “Where’s her ex?”
Hare waved his camera. “Hah. He pulled down his pants after getting a strike at the bowling alley, and some old ladies took offense at his nards. He’s in the lockup.”
Tad gasped, “Nards!”
Tina rushed past me to her “manager.” “What’s the hurry, Tina?” I asked.
Tina threw a dirty look at me before she hugged him. “How’d you do?”
“I won!” he boasted. He leaned in toward her like he was going to plant a kiss on her, but he promptly drew back.
I went up the spiral stairs and found Andi putting her hair in hot rollers. When I got to the top of the staircase, Hare shouted, “Your ex got arrested for indecent exposure!”
“Oh, goody!” she squealed, bouncing up and down. Her rollers knocked against the side of her head.
“No love lost, then,” Hare said, turning away. “Hey, Sizzler, Tad, can I get some shots of you guys making drinks at the bar? And where the hell is that battery pack?” He wandered off.
Andi grabbed me and hugged me. “Yay! Yay! Yay!”
“That’s awesome!” I said, playing along. “Now he can’t say anything bad about you!”
“Yay! Yay! He was mean! He kept saying he was prettier than me!”
“That bitch!” I agreed. Despite her ditsiness and snoring, it was hard to imagine anyone treating Andi badly.
Then Andi took me by the upper arm and pulled me toward the bathroom. “I’ll let you in on a little secret. My wishes came true!”
“Your wishes?” I asked. Tortoise had mentioned how Andi talked to trees, and I saw her touching the trees after Rex’s interrogation.
“Yes. I asked the Queen of the Forest to make my ex go away, and she did! It’s amazing!” She pointed toward the bathroom window, which had a clear view of the woods. Her skin glowed, and her eyes glittered.
I touched her hot rollers. “How hot were those when you put them on your head?”
Then I felt a hand on my shoulder. It was Wayne, who must have followed me up the stairs. “We gotta talk.” He had a bowling shirt in his hands. “I just bought this,” he said. “I want to show it off.”
Hare started heading up to see what was going on. I winked at Andi. “I’ll remember what you said about the wish.”
She nodded, and walked back toward the bedroom. Then she said, “If you go out to the woods, say hi to Faunus and the Queen for me!”
Wayne just laughed.
Chapter Twenty-Six:
Forest Royalty
I followed Wayne down the stairs, through the elimination zone, out the back door, and toward the woods. For someone who hadn’t been at the mansion before, he was surprisingly sure of where he was going. He walked right past the camera crews, all nonchalant. Greg had them all zoning in on Tina and her “manager,” while MC Sizzler was trying to drum up some interest in some rap demos he’d made.
Then we got to the edge of the woods. Once we were by a tree, Wayne unfurled his bowling shirt in such a way that the camera crew couldn’t see what we were doing.
While he held up the shirt, I switched off our mic packs. Then he lowered the shirt, and he took me by the hand, leading me deeper into the woods.
I was reluctant. I hadn’t wandered that far out there since Dawn fell down the stairs.
“Hurry up, before they see us! We have to find Muriel and Shane!” Wayne said. “We’ve been coming in trying to talk to you, in the woods. This show is crazy! It’s like jail!”
“You’ve been out in the woods?” I asked.
“Oh, hell yeah. You think we would miss this? Somebody caught Muriel, though. This chick… she’s been hanging out with us. The blonde, the one with the ginormous breasts? She’s out there. She thinks Muriel is an elf! The queen of the deer!”
So that’s who Andi was having long chats with in the woods. Who knew what Muriel was telling her? Muriel was probably having a field day and teaching Andi nutty things, like the Earth is flat and Andi could fly if she tried real hard.
“Did she see the murders? Did you?” I asked.
Wayne rolled his eyes. “Nope. We were running late a few days, and we had to take off a couple times before getting caught. We didn’t know that guy drowned in the pool until I was going up the road in the van and saw all the cop cars. I pretended to be a camper and asked the cops what all the sirens were. And can you believe they almost arrested me for possession? The nerve! I was a concerned citizen! Marin County is uptight!”
“Wayne, focus. Did Andi mention anything about the guy who drowned? Or the woman who fell down the stairs?”
“Well, she isn’t your killer. She asked Muriel — excuse me, the queen of the deer — for protection from the evil spirits in the house. I can’t say I blame her, either. Andi is scared shitless. She doesn’t know what’s real and what’s fake anymore. But we have something for you that might help.”
Once we were behind some trees, Wayne unrolled the bowling shirt again in case anyone from the crew was sneaking around behind us. “Hey, Queen of the Deer, get over here!” he said.
I couldn’t see Muriel’s face, but I could definitely hear the distinct sounds of rustling and grunting. Then she spoke. “I suggest you buy stock in bug repellent. You have no idea how much I’ve used over the past few days. Clancy, I expect fame and fortune, or at least an autographed T-shirt from Patrick Price after this.”
“Thank you, darling. You’re an angel. Now, what have you seen?”
“Nothing with the murders, but boy oh boy Andi is jealous of you. She thinks you’re Patrick’s favorite, so she’s been asking me to speak with Faunus on her behalf.”
“Faunus?”
“King of the forest,” Muriel said. “I think you know him.”
Then I heard another grunt. “Hey, Clancy!” Shane said. “Turn around!”
I had a brief glimpse of Shane, who had gone whole hog with the woods scenario. He was wearing camouflage gear and had managed to grow a beard. “Don’t get shot by some hunter,” I warned.
“I pissed off Lars Ulrich,” he said.
“What? Lars Ulrich? Metallica Lars Ulrich? What have you been doing?” Although they had helped gather information, little detective work had been done.
“Heh. He was at the house next door, at some party. I started hooting at him, and he told me to get out of his face. I was this close to Lars Ulrich!”
That explained all the yelling the night Dawn fell down the stairs, and the fact that they hadn’t seen anything. I wasn’t sure who to be mad at — Shane or Lars Ulrich. But I set it aside. I needed an information dump, in a hurry. “Just tell me what you know about the show: the crew, the women, whatever.”
Shane replied, “Lorelai bakes a lot of brownies, and Andi shares them with me. Lorelai’s always cleaning up stuff. Like, I think she has OCD. Topaz spends hours in the bathroom — bite not as big as the bark — Cookie was sleeping with that beefy guy with the ear plugs in the cabana — ”
“Wolf?”
“Yeah, that dude,” Muriel said. “I can’t hear all the conversations, but I sure can see through the windows. Big boy forgot to pull the curtains shut a couple times. You guys are friends, right? You think you can talk her into
teaching me stuff? She’s an acrobat!”
I was floored at that news. It was one thing for Cookie to say that she was starting to get interested in Wolf, but it was another to act on it while she was supposed to be competing for Patrick. “Wait. She was sleeping with Wolf? Are you sure?”
“Does a Muriel shit in the woods?” she asked.
“Oh, please tell me you haven’t gone that far with this forest thing,” I groaned. Wayne started cracking up.
“Nah. I made friends with this film producer a few houses down. He lets me use his bathroom. He wants to do a documentary on me when all this is over. I told him I was an eco-activist.”
“Don’t forget the pictures,” Shane said.
“What pictures?” I asked.
The trees rustled, and I could see Muriel’s hand holding a photograph. She had painted her nails camouflage. I took the picture out of her hand.
It was a photo of a man in his late 30s or early 40s, standing on a beach in front of the ocean. Since the sun was bright, he was squinting. Like Patrick, he had a shaved head, but the resemblance stopped there. He seemed familiar somehow, but I couldn’t figure it out.
“You know him?” Muriel asked.
“I don’t,” I replied.
Wayne looked surprised. “There’s several photos of him in the woods. A bunch of them nailed to a tree. They’re not all that different. Same guy, same day, same place. Looks like Venice Beach to me.”
“Can you guys find out who he is? I have no idea.” I passed the photo back to Muriel’s waiting hand.
Then I heard another rustling. Shane said, “Oh — gotta go — your camera crew…”
And, with that, the king and queen of the forest disappeared to join the other cute little creatures of the night.
Once Muriel and Shane vanished, Wayne yelped, “Hold up your side of the shirt!”
I grasped the corner, and Wayne fished another joint out of his pocket right when Tortoise yanked down the bowling shirt. “Where’s the audio?” he barked. Then he saw the joint and smiled. I had to give Wayne credit for that one.
Wayne stammered, “Uh, we didn’t have enough to go around. We can try to share, though, if it’s just you.”
Tortoise couldn’t take his eyes off the joint. I chuckled, “It’s stressful around here, you know…”
Tortoise sighed. “Lemme have a puff off that, then put your audio on, and I’ll forget it ever happened.”
Wayne reached in his other pocket and pulled out a lighter. “I don’t want to get this girl over here in trouble.”
“Nah. I think you guys are safe tonight.” Tortoise drew in the smoke from the joint and held his breath. “Ahhh…” Then he started giggling. I was worried that he was going to bogart the joint, which would have upset Wayne, but he passed it over.
Once Tortoise started to relax, he said, “Yeah. Patrick’s cool with you guys.” He let Wayne take a hit. “But Lorelai’s got it in the bag. I saw her coming out of Patrick’s room this morning.”
“What?” After the off-camera attention Patrick had been giving me, I didn’t like the sound of that at all.
Tortoise took another turn and attempted to pass the joint to me, but I declined. He looked shocked that anyone would turn down such a blessing. “Something wrong?”
“No.” I shook my head quickly, but I could see Patrick by the pool, clinking champagne glasses with Lorelai while Tad sulked off to the side.
“You lie!” Tortoise waved his finger in my face. Then he threw his arm around Wayne. “Don’t you waste your time on Patrick, honey. You stick with this guy!” He hugged Wayne hard. “He’s a sharer, and a carer!” He and Wayne began to sway together as Tortoise hummed Neil Young’s “Roll Another Number For the Road.”
“Jealous! I am so jealous!” Hare yelled, off in the distance.
For a moment, I thought those words sprang from my own mouth against my will, but I turned my head to see Hare running up at the slightest whiff of weed. “Y’all suck!” he shouted. “Lemme have some! C’mon, man!”
“Respect your elder!” Tortoise yelled.
“Not if my elder is selfish!” Hare yelled back. “Gimme!”
Wayne tried to pass the joint to Hare, but then we saw Greg coming, so we all began waving our hands to disperse the smell. “Stupid mosquitoes!” I shrieked, and I slapped myself on the arms for added effect.
“Yeah, stupid! Stupid bugs!” Hare contorted himself, following my lead. “Gnats!”
Greg didn’t even notice our lame attempts at a cover-up. His eyes were red-rimmed, and it wasn’t because of drugs. Tina got what she wanted — extended time on the show, all at Greg’s expense. She had no interest in him beyond that. At the moment, after finding out that Lorelai had been in Patrick’s room, I could understand how he felt. “We need you guys now,” he sighed.
“And I could use some food!” Wayne yelled as he tried to stamp out what was left of the joint. “I need some absorbency after the bowling alley!”
“Oh, yeah.” I added. “He’s a musician, you know. Free food.”
While Greg gave Tortoise some instructions, Hare guided us over to the cocktail party. MC Sizzler was already piling his plate with egg rolls. Topaz swatted him and said, “Would you stop eating like a pig? Close your mouth at least! You’re embarrassing!”
Patrick stepped up to mingle and interview the exes. He asked Topaz, “Is that why you didn’t work out?” Meanwhile, Hare zoomed in on the plate of egg rolls.
Topaz rolled her eyes. “That and the fact that he’s a mooch.”
His mouth full, MC Sizzler replied, “You’re a nag.”
“Well, at least I don’t have to worry that you’re not over him.” Then Patrick turned to me and Wayne. “What about you two?”
I hoped and hoped that Wayne wouldn’t call me “Clancy” once he got high again. But he was smart. He pointed and said, “This girl over here, heart of gold. I just can’t keep it in my pants.” He promptly leered at Topaz. I was impressed.
Patrick seemed taken aback. “Well, at least you’re honest.”
“Well, Patrick, I’m a musician, you’re a musician. You know how it is!” Wayne reached for an egg roll and brushed up against Topaz’s arm.
“Get this redneck away from me,” Topaz said, backing up. “Do I look like a redneck magnet?”
Wayne was enjoying this. “This girl over here—” apparently Wayne’s go-to name for me “—is one of my best friends. But you, you, are meow! You can dominate me anytime!”
“Dammit! Sizzler, help me here!” Topaz shouted.
Sizzler popped another egg roll into his mouth and attempted to talk. I thought I heard, “You ain’t my problem now, baby! You wanted to go on this thing.”
She gave Sizzler a look that would have killed a more-cowardly man. Then she flipped her weave over her shoulder and gave Patrick a long kiss. When she was finished, she turned and said to Sizzler, “In case you haven’t noticed, maturity is important.”
“If maturity is important, shouldn’t we all be sleeping with the action hero over there?” Wayne asked. By this point, Tina was feeding her ex pieces of shrimp cocktail, and he was feeding her cheese cubes off toothpicks. After watching her lick and eat them, I didn’t feel all that hungry.
Patrick laughed. “I like you, man!”
“I like you, too! You want some pot?” Wayne reached into the pocket of his corduroy blazer.
“Not here!” I yelled, pinching Wayne’s upper arm. Hard. “Bad! Bad Wayne!” That was usually how I interacted with him in real life when he went off the rails a bit, but he couldn’t stop giggling since it was on camera.
Patrick tried to get Greg’s attention, probably to find a way to sneak out for an off-camera joint, but Greg was too busy looking at Tina and her supposed “ex” to pay attention to what was said. Patrick shrugged and said, “Don’t worry — I’ll be spending some time with you guys later. We’ll, um, chat then.”
“Ah-ha! That’s the euphemism of the night! Chat, du
de! C-H-A-T.” Wayne yelled.
Sizzler finally finished his food and pointed at Wayne’s blazer. “Hey, don’t leave me out!”
Topaz clung to Patrick. “Like I said, you are the only mature man in this whole place.”
“It’s a distinct possibility,” Patrick said. He looked at me like he expected me to nod, but I didn’t move at all. I was still gnawing over what Tortoise said about Lorelai leaving Patrick’s room.
Greg finally came back to life. “What?”
“Never mind,” Patrick said. Then he noticed Greg staring at Tina. “Something here I don’t know about?” he asked.
Greg shook his head. “No, nothing.”
Chapter Twenty-Seven:
Slap Happy
After our exes, or fake exes, gorged on free food, Fred loaded them into the Hummer, and we prepared for elimination. We had trouble getting organized because, while Greg was there physically, he was checked out mentally. Even though he could edit the scene to create dramatic tension, we all knew where the story was going to go — Tina would be out of there.
Then again, everyone knew that except Tina. Tina got the memo that romances with reality-show stars weren’t real — and I had learned that the hard way — but romances with the producers were very much real, and the producers were the ones in charge. She might have been more successful had she actually tried to go after Patrick.
Patrick gave Lorelai the first locket, much to my chagrin. She was beginning to grate on my nerves more than Topaz and Tina ever did… perhaps because Patrick seemed to enjoy kissing her so much. I wondered if I would have been that mad at Dawn if she hadn’t fallen and Patrick had the chance to spend more time with her. Probably not. Unlike Lorelai, Dawn didn’t have an ounce of smugness in her body.
Topaz and Andi received their lockets next, which left me surprised. I’d never been in the bottom two, and I didn’t like being categorized with Tina, who was clearly interested in someone else. I couldn’t believe I even cared at all.
I tried to read the look on Tortoise’s face, and even he looked confused. He said I was going to stay. Maybe Patrick was going off-script. Greg wasn’t minding the store, and I didn’t envy whoever was going to be stuck editing this episode.