The Forest at the Edge of the World
Page 31
“They were testing our strength,” he added, stabbing at his food.
Eventually the story would all come out. Mahrree might have to get him more breakfast, though. “And how is your strength?”
“Not as good as I wished, but enough to impress the general.” He pushed around his food with his fork, never once looking at her. “We chased them nearly to Moorland. They have only a dozen soldiers based there, but most were on patrol where we needed them. They helped capture two more prisoners last night.” He attacked a fried potato.
“So you captured some?” She was impressed. “That’s never happened before.”
“That’s right,” he said dully as he jabbed a pancake.
“Have you learned anything yet?”
“No.”
“Are they uncooperative?”
“You could say that.” He took a long drink.
Mahrree sighed in annoyance. “So what does the Guarder look like who stained your uniform?”
“Dead.”
Mahrree dropped her toast.
Perrin glanced at her plate where it fell. Then he finally looked up at her with blank, cold eyes.
Steadily she asked, “By whose hand?”
“Unsure,” he said impassively. “He was holding a private hostage. Negotiations didn’t go well. When he became agitated, Karna and I both rushed him. There’s blood on both our swords. Satisfied?” he snapped.
Mahrree was startled by his sharpness. “I didn’t mean anything by it, I just . . .” She didn’t feel upset enough to cry, but oddly the tears were building rapidly and spilling down her face.
Perrin groaned in disgust and threw down his fork, which clattered on his almost empty plate. He rested his head in his hands with his elbows on the table and stared at it.
Mahrree watched him miserably, trying not to sniff out loud. She knew they’d have conflicts, but the tension at the table threatened to break it in half.
Their bliss was gone.
He was quiet for a full minute before he spoke. “It’s been a very long . . . my head’s so foggy that I don’t even know how many days.” He rubbed his eyes, his voice weary. “I need rest. I’ve put the master sergeant in charge for today since Wiles seems to have taken ill. I have to write a report for the High General. I’ve been surviving on rations and snatches of sleep. I don’t think well when I’m tired.”
Mahrree nodded that she understood, but didn’t dare speak. He was so distant, so unlike the man she fell in love with.
Perrin studied the table again. “Six prisoners, held separately. Brought them together after it was dark last night. We’d had them tied up, but undid them to walk them back to the fort. That was a mistake, because they did the strangest thing . . .” His voice trailed off.
Mahrree nervously chewed on her crust.
“They pulled out these small knives,” he continued haltingly. “Didn’t know they still had them. Then—they never said a word, just looked at each other. Then they . . . gutted each other. In front of all of us. Some strange, ritualistic manner. At the same time. As if they had to. Forced by . . . something. Before I realized what was happening, it was too late. All dead. Doesn’t make sense.”
Mahrree held her hand in front of her mouth, trying to calm the wave of nausea that tried to force its way upward. She couldn’t think of what to say to the horror her husband had witnessed.
“This isn’t . . . this isn’t the way Guarders behaved in the past,” he stammered as if betrayed by his training.
While she agreed—it was most horrific thing she’d ever heard—she didn’t say anything. He didn’t seem to be talking to her anyway, but was instead trying to sort out his own thoughts.
“Why . . . why suicide?” he asked the table. “Why . . . what kind of thinking has to go on in order to kill each other simultaneously? To be feeling the pain, to see the blade plunge . . .”
He made a thrusting and slicing motion in the air, and Mahrree squeezed her eyes shut too late.
“Then still continue with it? It was just . . .” He shook his head in dismay, then suddenly pressed his palms against his eyes, as if to force out the images he still saw.
Mahrree swallowed hard and her lower lip quivered in empathy. Of course he was short with her, and distant, and angry. How could he be anything else this morning?
Perrin sat motionless for another long minute, his hands still covering his eyes, while Mahrree tried to think of something—anything—to say. But she had no words that could possibly overcome what he was still reliving.
“This isn’t what they do,” he murmured. “They’ve never done this before . . .”
Eventually he pulled his hands from his eyes, and he appeared to be a different man, as if the disillusioned officer in him was abruptly snuffed out, leaving only her troubled husband.
It was remarkable how he could ignore so much of himself, Mahrree marveled. As if he actually were two different men, just as she thought after the second debate. But she was sure the officer would resurface. Perrin had likely shoved him into a back room of his mind, but he would soon break out.
Still, Perrin’s face was noticeably softer as he reached across the table and took her free hand. “This couldn’t have been easy for you. I was hoping a day like this wouldn’t come for some time. But then again, we made a good enough show of force that this shouldn’t happen again for a long while. They’ll think twice before coming back,” he added with a small, pitiful smile.
She tried to smile too. “I’m just happy you’re home. And I know there’s no good reason for me to be crying. I think I just need a nap, too.”
Half an hour later she collapsed on their bed, and before her husband came upstairs to join her, fell into the deepest sleep she’d had all week.
When she woke up several hours later, she felt more her regular self. It was already afternoon, and Perrin was sitting at the small desk in their bedroom, drafting his report of the raid for Idumea. When she opened her eyes fully he glanced over, smiled thinly, and went back to work.
“How are you?” she asked.
“Fine,” he said without looking up.
Mahrree sat up and hugged her knees. “I mean, how are you? You know, about . . . the past few days?”
He paused in his writing. “I’m fine.”
“It’s just that we should talk about—”
“We talk all the time, Mahrree,” he said to his papers. “I can’t think of another couple that talks as much as we do.”
“True, but this is different. We should talk about important things.”
“We went through the lists, a few moons ago.”
“No,” she groaned in irritation. Her mother-in-law had warned her about this. “I mean, what you did, what you saw, the Guarders, their knives, and how you feel about it, bloodying your sword—”
“I’ve worked it out. I’m fine. It needed to be done, I did it.” He gave her a practiced smile, but she didn’t believe it. His eyes, while normally dark brown, were even heavier with gloom. The officer was back. “No need to talk anymore.”
“Are you sure?” Mahrree said, because she wasn’t.
“Yes.”
“Really.”
He put down his quill a bit too forcefully, spread out his hands, and took a deep breath. “Yes.” He turned in his chair to face her. “Perhaps the more important question is, how are you?”
Mahrree considered for a moment. “Still a little woozy, but I can make dinner.” That’s how you give an answer, she thought to herself. Details, explanations.
“Are you sure?”
“Yes.”
“Are you really sure?”
Mahrree scrunched up her lips. “I know what you’re trying to do.”
“Really?”
“Perrin—”
“Irritating, isn’t it.”
She sighed loudly. “I’m only asking because I’m worried about you! That’s my duty—to worry about my husband. Don’t deny me my duty!”
He fina
lly smiled genuinely. “Just don’t duty me to death, all right?”
“How can someone just talk you to death?”
“I don’t know, but I’m sure you’ll find a way!”
For absolutely no good reason, her eyes filled with tears again.
Perrin winced. “I’m sorry.” He walked over to the bed and sat down next to her, the officer shoved again into some recess of his brain. He pushed a lock of hair from her face and evaluated her, seemingly looking for something as he put a hand on top of hers.
“Trust me. If something’s wrong, I’ll let you know. Now, why the tears? You didn’t even cry at our wedding.”
“I don’t know!” she wailed. “Nothing’s wrong!”
That’s when she noticed his side of the bed hadn’t been disturbed, and his eyes were still bleary. “You haven’t slept?”
He shrugged that away. “Can’t sleep when it’s light outside. Needed to bring a report to Hogal. I’m sure the whole village has already decided what happened, but he’ll deliver the truth to them tonight at the amphitheater.”
“Wait, you talked to Hogal?”
“I always talk to Hogal.”
“But . . . but you’re supposed to talk to me!”
He squinted, confused. “I always talk to you, and I talk to Hogal. I have for years. What’s the problem?”
“You worked it out with him!” she cried. “I’m supposed to be who you talk things out with.”
Perrin scoffed. “If I talked it over with you, I would have had another vomit mess to clean up. So that’s what’s bothering you? I didn’t talk to you?”
“No!” she barked.
But that was a lie. Of course it bothered her, among other things! He’d left her for days with no news, came home angry, and now he told her to stop talking because he already talked?!
“So nothing’s wrong?” he restated. “Should I trust that answer? Because even though my father doesn’t know much about women, he did tell me that when a woman is crying and says nothing’s wrong, she’s the biggest liar in the world.”
At any other moment Mahrree would have smiled, but right now her fury was swirling around her, and she wasn’t even sure exactly why she was furious.
“So, nothing’s wrong?” he asked again, impatiently.
Mahrree pouted. “Well, I don’t want to talk when you’re like this!”
He was mystified. “When I’m like what? Sitting next to you, trying to find out what’s bothering you?!” his voice grew louder.
“When you’re growling at me?!”
“Woman, you have yet to hear me growl!”
“You’re growling now!”
“This is not—” He stopped and made a fist with his left hand. His voice was tight when he began again. “This is not growling, this is debating.”
Mahrree shook her head. “This isn’t debating, this is—” She started to cry again. She hated crying, and today of all days she couldn’t control it. “This is fighting!”
She looked at her new husband who was now studying her hand. She’d made a mistake. Why did she marry him? What was she thinking? She could see it now—she’d been blinded, believing everything would be wonderful and ideal, with no major problems.
Most perfect man in the world? Ha!
Perrin continued to study her hand and patted it awkwardly. “How can I know what to fix if you won’t tell me what’s wrong?”
“Well, when I figure out everything that’s wrong, I’ll be sure to tell you!” she declared. “I’ll make a new list!”
Perrin’s shoulders began to shake.
Mahrree didn’t know what to make of it. She bit her lip and wished he would just leave.
When he looked up he was . . . smiling?! How dare he smile?!
“You’re so funny,” he chuckled. “You really are.”
“What?!” she shrieked. “How can you say that?!”
He didn’t even flinch at her volume. “You just strike me as funny right now, that’s all. What, a new batch of tears? Come on, Mahrree!” He put his arms around her.
She wanted to pull away, but she also didn’t want to leave. She’d never felt so, so irrational and girly before, and it was disconcerting. “You’re just such a, a . . .” she mumbled into his chest.
“What, such a man?”
She snorted at his tone. She didn’t know where the snort came from, and she tried to pretend it wasn’t from her, but spiders don’t snort.
Perrin chuckled again. “Well, I am! And you’re such a woman! ‘Nothing’s wrong!’” he mimicked.
“Perrin, that’s not –”
“Look,” he interrupted. Pushing her gently away, he held her by her arms and looked into her eyes. “We’ve both been on our own for many years, and we’re bound to have some misunderstandings, right? For ten weeks we’ve enjoyed arguing—” A small but distinct twinkle appeared in his eyes. “But we’ve never actually fought. We’re just due for an actual conflict.”
“But if you really love me—”
“I’ll sit here and try to figure you out!”
Mahrree tried to think of a reply, but couldn’t. As much as she hated to admit it, he was right. He didn’t know her yet, so how would he know what was bothering her? Less than three seasons ago they didn’t even know each other existed.
And maybe—maybe—she really didn’t know him yet.
“Mahrree?”
“I didn’t know where you were,” she murmured. “What happened to you.”
“So . . . we’ve jumped to the list?”
Mahrree nodded. “You just left me. Alone.”
“You’re used to being alone.”
“Not anymore!”
He sighed. “That’s true. Neither am I, actually. What if I send a messenger the next time I’m detained? So you know why?”
She nodded.
“Next?”
“You were so irritable!”
“Yes. So? Don’t you think I deserved to be, just a bit? I haven’t had a full night’s sleep in . . . I still don’t know how long, and didn’t eat decently for days. I witnessed—”
He stopped, unable to say the words again, and swallowed hard as the memory hit him. She squeezed his hand hoping to convey that she understood. When he continued a moment later, his voice was almost normal. “After all of that, you expect Mr. Charm to walk through the door?”
“I’ve never expected Mr. Charm to walk through that door!” Mahrree finally giggled and wiped her face. “I suppose you have a point. You’re allowed to act like a bear . . . sometimes.”
“Thank you.”
“But do you have to take it out on me? I didn’t keep you out for four nights.”
“No, you didn’t. Four nights?” He sighed. “I suppose that’s right. But aren’t you supposed to be my support? The one who loves and cares for me, no matter what?”
“I’ve been trying to! It would help if you acted a little more lovable.”
“And how lovable were you when you got sick all over the stairs?”
She covered her face with her hands. “Please don’t remind me.”
He carefully pulled down her hands, and to her relief, he was grinning. “I come home, exhausted, expecting to find my beautiful bride waiting eagerly to provide comfort and support, and instead I get another mess to clean up. And you wonder why I was ‘irritable’?”
“It’s not like I planned to do that, you know!” She looked into his dark eyes, wondering if she would ever get over the effect they had on her. He wasn’t perfect, but—well, he was still somewhat wonderful. “I’m sorry. This wasn’t a very good week, was it?”
“I’m sure we’ll have a few other bad weeks, and a lot more good weeks. This week could still be good,” he suggested. “So, is there anything else I should know about? Anything at all?”
“No, Captain, I think you can go back to your reports now.”
He kissed her, seemed to want to say something else, but then got off the bed and went back to the desk.
But it was the small clumps of sticky goo she couldn’t understand. She hadn’t thought much of it earlier because too many other things occupied her mind. But now, as she saw a few pine needles floating in the water, she began to wonder. She scraped off one of the sticky parts and sniffed it.
Pine sap.
“Oh, Perrin, what did you do?” she whispered to his uniform. She let it drop back into the water to soak, hoping the rest of the sap would dissolve away, along with her suspicions. She walked into the kitchen to begin dinner, and Perrin soon came down and sat on a kitchen chair. He subtly watched her while she worked.
“Everything all right?” she asked as he made notes on his pages. “I think you would be more comfortable in the eating room.”
“No, I’m fine here. Just making sure you’re all right.”
“Your uniform’s still soaking. Some unusual stains on it,” she said casually.
“Yes, yes,” he said, without looking up, “A few tumbles and struggles. I can finish cleaning it. Did so for years. Don’t want you getting ill again.” He looked up, forced a smile, and went to the washing room to start scrubbing his uniform.
He doesn’t want me to know, she thought as she stirred the pot on the stove. Am I supposed to get it out of him, or just wait until he confesses it? That question occupied her mind until dinner, and during it, when she noticed Perrin frequently watching her out of the corner of his eye.
He knows I know something’s up, she decided. He’s trying to see if I’m going to pry it out of him. She didn’t ask anything revealing about his uniform during dinner, nor as they sat on the sofa together afterward. But Mahrree could tell he was paying more attention to her instead of his papers. She rested her legs on his lap and pretended to read a book.
Finally she put it down when she caught him looking at her again.