by Anna Martin
Since Caleb had to get back to Penn Station by three in the afternoon on Sunday, they took their time getting breakfast from a local diner, then heading back into the city to wander around the huge stores at Times Square. It also gave Caleb chance to take a few photos, touristy shots he could show his parents if they asked. He was sure they would ask.
“I want to see you again,” Luc said, cradling Caleb’s face in his hands as they stood on the platform at Penn Station. “Soon.”
Caleb nodded.
“Next weekend.”
“Yes,” Caleb signed. “If I can.”
“Okay.” Luc leaned in again, rising on his toes to press his lips hard to Caleb’s, not caring who was watching. “Let me know when you get home.”
“Okay.”
Caleb smiled and reluctantly pulled out of Luc’s embrace. He placed one last kiss on the end of Luc’s nose, amused when Luc wrinkled it, then sneezed. Walking away caused a physical pain in his chest. Even though he had no way of saying it, Caleb was pretty sure he was falling in love.
On the train he tried to read, to try and get ahead on an English assignment. It wasn’t easy, though, when all his thoughts seemed to be concentrated on one person. Luc was… extraordinary.
Caleb had carefully collated a folder of pictures of Luc from his blog. They were hidden away on his iPad, somewhere Luc wouldn’t accidentally stumble on them. The battery on the device was painfully low, but Caleb turned it on anyway and brought up the folder.
He felt tears stinging his eyes and refused to let them fall, finding inner steel and drawing on that to get through the ache of missing someone. The pictures of Luc were beautiful. Most of them were selfies, although there were a few group pictures with friends, which Caleb had found on Facebook.
Now he’d seen that face up close, the pictures weren’t good enough. As a photographer, Caleb felt it was his job to try and capture the essence of a person when he took their portrait, and none of these snaps caught the essence of Luc at all. Luc was dark heat, delicate layers, like a French pastry. He was an elegant façade with something else lurking, even though Caleb wasn’t sure what the something else was yet.
When Caleb switched back to the main page on his iPad, he picked up the notification that he had a new message.
Luc: I’ve found somewhere.
Caleb: Found somewhere for what?
Luc: To meet. Next weekend.
Caleb smiled and shook his head.
Caleb: Okay, where?
Luc: It’s a little city, exactly halfway between Boston and New York. According to Google Maps, anyway ;)
Caleb: Send me directions?
Luc: Sure!
Not wanting to wait until he got home, Caleb pulled up details about Meridan, Connecticut, which really was almost an exact distance from both their homes. It meant only a couple of hour’s drive, rather than a much longer train or bus journey.
Caleb: Looks good :)
Then an e-mail flashed up.
Sorry, this is easier. I’ve already asked Ilse, and she said I could borrow her car. I figure if we get up early we can be there at eight, maybe nine in the morning. I’m not sure if you have to be back for anything, but there’s nothing stopping us hanging out all day. Do you ever go to subtitled movies? I’ve checked, and the movie theater close by shows them sometimes.
Anyway, let me know.
Luc xoxo
Unaware that he was wearing a broad, stupid smile, he replied.
That sounds fine to me. I’ll check with my mom, I don’t think she’ll mind if I take the car. I might need to drop her off at work, though, depending on her shift.
A movie sounds good. I do go, sometimes. It depends on what sort of movie it is. Sometimes the people who do the subtitling are crap and don’t get it right. That sucks. You end up losing the thread of what’s going on.
Anyway, yes, is what I’m trying to say. Meridan sounds great. I can’t wait to see you again.
Caleb xoxo
His mom did need him to drop her at work that weekend and accepted his explanation that he wanted to go to a movie. He just failed to specify what movie, where, or who he was planning on going with. She’d likely ask, when he got back, what he thought of it, and this way he could talk honestly without having to bring up Luc at all.
This was about… having something that was his, just his, for the first time. No one else knew about these things he was feeling for Luc, except maybe Luc himself. That on its own was enough to make his stomach flip over.
Caleb knew he’d tell his parents about Luc eventually. Just not yet.
It was just after eight by the time they were both free from other responsibilities and sitting in front of their webcams. Seeing Caleb again made Luc’s chest ache. He’d obviously had a shower, and his fair hair was slightly damp, making it darken and curl at his ears. The collar of his pale blue T-shirt was also spotted darker with water.
He was incredibly beautiful.
“Hi,” Luc signed over the webcam.
“Hi. I miss you.”
“I miss you too.”
Those signs were familiar now; Luc used them nearly every time he spoke to Caleb. He’d always wondered about long distance relationships and how people made them work. There were news stories about military partners who waited for months at a time for their loved ones to come back from awful, war-torn countries, often going for weeks at a time without hearing from their husbands or wives.
Caleb was only a few hours away, but being in high school and having responsibilities beyond each other meant their time together was always going to be restricted.
Caleb: Is your mom home now?
Luc: What do you mean?
Caleb: I thought she was away this past weekend.
Luc: Ha. No. She was probably staying with her friends in the city. I don’t know.
Caleb: I’m sorry.
Luc: Don’t be. Honestly, it’s fine. <3
Luc had avoided talking about his alcoholic mother and abusive-before-he-died father with Caleb. Those echoes of his past had no place in his future, especially not in the golden part of his life he shared with Caleb.
It was too difficult to talk about, and Luc didn’t know anywhere near enough signs to be able to express himself in ASL. Instead he pulled up a blog post he’d written nearly a year ago now and posted the link in the chat section of the conversation window.
Caleb frowned, not really understanding, but he clicked on the link anyway and sat back to read, the little window that showed Luc’s face now in the top left corner of his screen.
My dad died. I’m not quite sure how I feel about that right now. I’m sad, of course I’m sad. I’m grieving. I’m probably in shock.
Underneath all of that, though… it’s over. He’s not suffering any more. I barely recognized him as my father these past few months. He was always this big, strong bear of a man; then he just sort of… faded away.
I’m pretty sure he knew I was gay. He used to tell me to stop “dressing like a faggot” all the time. He hated my music, my clothes, the way I style my hair. He would tell me that eyeliner and nail polish were for girls. That I was asking to get the shit beat out of me if I went to school looking the way I do.
I’m probably going to hell for being glad that’s all over.
I know things will change too. My sister has already said that she thinks my mother will want to move away. I’m not sure if we have a choice.
My mother is the only parent I have left. I wonder how I’ll keep her safe.
He switched the window back to the conversation with Luc.
Caleb: I’m so sorry.
Luc: It’s okay.
Caleb: When did you move to New York?
Luc: As soon as the funeral was over. We couldn’t afford to stay where we were before. This is my sister’s house. She’s owned it for years. Now she has her own business, things are different. She can afford to look after me and my mom for a while.
Caleb: That’s Ilse, right?
&nb
sp; Luc: Right.
Caleb: Does she live there too?
Luc: Yeah. Me, her, and my mom. My brother is at college in Florida. It’s….
Luc hesitated and ran his hands over his face in frustration. It was so complicated.
Caleb: You don’t have to say anything. I don’t mind.
Luc: No… I want to. My dad worked as an investment banker. So he had a lot of investments. Most of those are tied up, so we didn’t exactly have immediate access to cash. He had a life insurance policy, but that put a lot of money in trust for me and Ilse and Jo, and the rest was a lump sum that went to my mom. She had a lot of bills to pay—medical bills—and we moved into the city so she could be closer to her family.
Caleb: That makes sense.
Luc: Let’s talk about something else.
Caleb: Okay.
Luc: I think we should talk about sex.
On the camera, he watched Caleb’s eyebrows shoot up in surprise. Then he blushed.
Caleb: Um, okay. What do you want to talk about? It’s a pretty wide subject.
Luc let himself sigh internally—a deep, weary sigh. There was something to be said for having sweet, innocent boyfriends who were absolutely clueless. Clearly, it was going to be his job to get through this.
Luc: What we did last weekend—that was awesome, right?
Caleb blushed some more.
Caleb: Um, yeah.
Luc: I just don’t want us to get to a point where one or the other of us is ready to take things forward and the other isn’t.
Caleb: Okay.
Luc: Jeez, you’re hard work!
Caleb: I’m sorry! I just don’t know what to say.
Luc: That’s okay. I don’t mind. I’m just trying to do the right thing for you.
Caleb: I know. So… I haven’t had sex before.
Me either, Luc rushed to type.
Caleb: But I want that. With you.
Luc: Me too.
Luc was sure Caleb was still blushing, but he was smiling now too. There was something about the way Caleb smiled at him that made his stomach clench and tilt and pitch. It was scary and amazing all at the same time.
I think we should still use condoms. To be safe, he typed, wanting to get the conversation back on track and out of the way so they could move on to other things.
Caleb: That’s fine.
Luc: And… we’re going to need to figure out some signs, so we can check in with each other when it happens.
Caleb: Okay.
Luc: Are we really going to do this, C?
I hope so, Caleb typed, then looked up into the webcam. I want to. There’s no rush, though.
Luc: I know. I trust you, you know? I wanted to wait until I could be with someone who was going to take care of me.
Caleb: I’ll do that.
Luc smiled into the camera again. I know.
Caleb: So… how was school?
And suddenly they’d moved on. Luc had never imagined that a relationship with someone would be this easy. There was so much stacked against this thing they had going on—Caleb’s deafness, the distance, the fact that they were both young and lived with their parents—but something in Luc’s gut was saying this sort of connection didn’t come around every day. This was special.
He intended to cherish it.
7. Date/Time
Caleb was a careful driver. He thought he would have been a careful driver even if he didn’t have an impairment. His nature tended toward quiet and respectful, and he hated even the thought of causing anyone else injury or upset due to his actions.
It had taken him a little longer than his peers to pass his driving test, mostly because he had to be made aware of the hazards a driver would normally hear. There were certain conditions he didn’t like having to drive in—heavy fog or torrential rain, especially at night, because he felt boxed in and panicky. Most of the time, especially on bright days like this, he enjoyed it.
The drive to Meridan took a little over two hours. Caleb had allowed himself plenty of time to make the trip, and he arrived at the parking lot Luc had suggested feeling like he was going to be sick. There were knots in his stomach.
Instead of waiting in the car, Caleb got out and walked around the block once to stretch his legs and get some fresh air. As he looped back into the covered lot, a shiny black car nipped in around him and Caleb startled. Then the window rolled down and Luc’s face grinned up at him.
Luc jerked his head. “Get in.”
Caleb jogged lightly around the front of the car and slid into the passenger seat, his heart beating extra fast and his stomach twisting even further. Luc leaned across the divide and pressed a quick kiss to the corner of Caleb’s mouth, then turned the car around and pulled back into the flow of traffic.
Not sure what was happening but trusting Luc nonetheless, Caleb reached over and threaded his fingers with Luc’s as they headed back out of the city, then pulled into a larger mall complex.
“Movie,” Luc signed when he’d pulled into a space close to the building and put the sporty car in park.
Caleb understood. This was the closest movie theater to where they’d arranged to meet. He smiled, then, unable to wait any longer, leaned in and captured Luc’s lips with his own.
Luc smiled for a moment, then parted his lips and licked at Caleb’s tongue. Caleb hadn’t intended to take things this far so quickly, but Luc was persuasive, threading his fingers into Caleb’s short hair and tugging his face forward for more.
They broke apart with a shared laugh when Caleb felt the knot in his stomach loosen and the tightness move to his prick instead. He pressed the heel of his hand there, and Luc grinned knowingly.
“I’m so pleased to see you,” Luc signed. “I missed you.”
Caleb felt his mouth fall open in shock, and Luc laughed aloud.
“I’ve been practicing a lot,” Luc signed.
“Yes. I missed you too. You look very beautiful today.”
When Luc grinned and blushed in understanding, Caleb found himself even more impressed.
“Thank you. I want to be able to talk to you. Like this.”
Caleb leaned in for another kiss, slower this time, his fingers exploring the delicate, smooth skin of Luc’s neck. His jaw and cheeks were free of stubble or evidence that he’d ever develop any. Caleb had shaved close that morning, hoping for exactly this.
He licked into Luc’s mouth, then shuddered.
“Movie at two,” Luc signed, then frowned. “M-A-R-V-E-L.” He spelled each letter on its own, probably not knowing how to sign “superhero” or “Avengers.”
It was stilted ASL, the evidence of Luc’s inexperience of the language. Caleb thought it was adorable, and he was slightly overwhelmed at the thought that the very attractive, very cool kid from New York was interested in him enough to make the effort to learn his language.
They held hands loosely as they walked into the mall, not knowing or caring what others around them might think. There was no one here who would recognize either of them, no one who could report back to parents or families or friends what they’d seen. Caleb felt terrifyingly isolated and completely safe.
There was a burger place tucked into one corner of the mall, and Caleb bought them lunch, pushing Luc to go find a table as he ordered for them both with gestures and pointing rather than words.
Fortunately the girl behind the counter was one of the patient kind, repeating the order back until they were both satisfied she had it correct, regardless of the line that was forming behind him.
Caleb didn’t do this all that often. When he went out for dinner with his parents they would order for him. It was easier that way, rather than everyone having to struggle. He didn’t get all that many chances to be independent on any level. Luc trusted him, though, and that was empowering.
He took the tray, and their lunch, back to the small booth that Luc had folded himself into, feet tucked underneath his legs on the bench, fiddling with his phone. He looked up when Caleb approach
ed and gave a smile of such genuine fondness it pulled at Caleb’s heart, stealing his breath.
“Thank you,” Luc signed.
The movie theater was on the other side of the mall from the restaurant, and they walked there slowly, via a record shop that Luc tugged Caleb into, holding his hand as he browsed the rows of movies and vinyls. They communicated in touches rather than words, a rub of a thumb over a wrist bone, a squeeze of the hand, a light tug in the direction of a store that caught Luc’s eye.
They arrived only a few minutes before the movie was due to start, and Luc pulled Caleb toward the display of candy, laughing as he selected a bag of gummi worms and another of Hershey’s Kisses. He pressed his fingers to his puckered mouth, a silent kiss of his own.
Caleb made the sign, then pointed to the candies, then made it again.
“Kiss.”
Luc’s grin grew slightly dirty, and Caleb pulled him to the register before they could get caught making kissing signs at each other.
The movie theater was already dark by the time they ducked inside but thankfully fairly empty. The show hadn’t started yet. It was still previews flashing over the screen, and those weren’t subtitled, so Caleb took charge of leading them up the stairs to the back of the room. There was a pair of seats off to one side with no one else particularly close, and Caleb relaxed gratefully into the one on the inside.
Without any prompting, Luc stuck the large Coke he’d bought into the holder to his right and pushed up the arm that separated his seat from Caleb’s. Then he snuggled into Caleb’s side.
In the darkness, Caleb hid both his surprise and pleasure as he wrapped his arm around Luc’s shoulder and leaned in to brush his lips over Luc’s silky soft hair. The gummi worms and Kisses lay abandoned on the floor.
By the time the movie reached its climatic point, Caleb thought he might have seen two, maybe three minutes of it. He knew other teenagers used “watching a movie” as code for hiding in a darkened room and kissing the hours away, but he had thought that “watching a movie” in a movie theater might be different. Not according to Luc, it wasn’t.
In the past hour Caleb had explored every part of Luc’s skin he could reach without risking prosecution for indecent exposure. Luc’s black T-shirt had been pushed up, and Caleb had discovered that although Luc didn’t have any hair on his face, there were a few soft ones gathered in a line under his belly button, dipping down beneath the waistband of his jeans.