Uncertain Destiny

by Carole Mortimer

  ‘Then why—never mind,’ she dismissed with a strained smile. ‘What did you say to Tony when the two of you went out for champagne?’ she probed teasingly. ‘He certainly seemed in a better mood when he got back.’

  His mouth twisted. ‘We didn’t fight it out, if that’s what you mean.

  She sobered. ‘No, of course that isn’t what I meant,’ she said impatiently. ‘He just seemed—different, when the two of you got back.’

  Justin shrugged. ‘Maybe he realised he no longer has a chance with you. How would I know why he was different—if he was,’ he muttered irritably.

  Tony had been much more amenable after he and Justin went out for champagne, and even Justin had to have realised that. But if he didn’t want to talk about that change, or the reason for it, she knew there was nothing she could do or say to make him do so.

  Justin’s strangely taciturn mood persisted even once they had showered and prepared for bed, and for the first time since they were married Justin turned out his bedside lamp and lay with his back towards her.

  She tentatively touched his bare shoulder. ‘Justin?’

  ‘Go to sleep, Caroline,’ he told her harshly, his back still towards her.

  ‘But—’

  ‘I’m tired, Caroline.’ He turned on her angrily, his gaze glittering in the darkness. ‘We don’t have to make love every night!’ he added scornfully.

  She drew her hand away as if she had been burnt, blinking back the tears, her throat aching as she tried to stop them flowing. ‘I’m sorry,’ she said in a choked voice. ‘I didn’t realise. I thought—it’s just that this is the first time you haven’t wanted me…’ Her hurt was reflected in her eyes.

  Justin looked angrier than ever. ‘And after almost two months, isn’t it due?’ he attacked.

  Her tongue ran along the dryness of her lips. ‘I suppose so… I—of course.’ She turned away blindly, lying in the darkness with her eyes wide open, finding it more and more difficult to hold back the tears.

  If she had expected him to relent, to apologise for his bad humour, she was out of luck. The only movement he made in the bed was to settle down with his back towards her once again, and within minutes the deep evenness of his breathing told her that he had fallen asleep.

  She at last allowed the tears to fall. Why had she assumed Justin would always want her? Maybe she was being unreasonable expecting him to make love to her every night; after all, he didn’t have to want her all the time, and maybe he really was tired.

  But he didn’t have to be so cruel about it, could even have held her in his arms until they both fell asleep. He had wanted to hurt her for some reason.

  Maybe he had changed his mind about accepting the baby because he wanted her so much. Maybe he no longer wanted her. But that didn’t ring true, not after the way he had tried to persuade her into bed when she was all dressed and ready to go to Sonia’s and Tony’s for dinner! He had been eager enough then, teasing her when she almost forgot Sonia and Tony completely and gave in. As he had drawn away from her he had promised to make love to her later until she begged for mercy. Instead he had rejected her, turned his back on her, and then fallen asleep. It didn’t make sense to her at all.

  She glanced longingly at the golden smoothness of his back, hungering for contact with him, but fearful of rejection once again. Instead she lay on her back staring sightlessly up at the ceiling, sure that she wasn’t going to be able to sleep.

  She awoke to the realisation that something was wrong, very wrong.

  It took her several seconds to shake off the disorientation of a deep sleep, to realise that it was still dark outside, that she could feel the warmth of Justin’s body beside her own.

  Then what had awoken her, because something surely had? Could it be that—

  ‘No, damn it!’ Justin suddenly ground out fiercely at her side, his tension a tangible thing. ‘No!’ he groaned again. ‘You can’t. I won’t let you. Oh, dear God!’

  Caroline had scrambled into a sitting position at his first outcry, moving to soothe his brow now, murmuring reassuringly to him as he seemed in the grips of a horrific nightmare.

  ‘It’s all right, Justin,’ she crooned. ‘It’s all right darling. Justin—’

  ‘Penny!’ He gave an anguished shout.

  Caroline recoiled as if he had struck her. Who on earth was Penny?

  CHAPTER SIX

  ‘SO IF you can think of somewhere you would like to go, I can arrange to be free all of next week.’ Justin looked at her indulgently.

  Somehow trying to think of where they could go on their belated honeymoon didn’t hold all that much appeal for Caroline when she wasn’t even sure they had a marriage any more.

  It wasn’t just that Justin hadn’t made love to her for three days, and nights; it was that he was still having those dreams at night, and each time he did he called out for the woman called Penny. She still had no idea who the other woman was, but the love and anguish in Justin’s voice when he spoke of her was obvious.

  Love. Yes, the emotion Justin had warned her he could never feel for her, she knew he felt for the other woman.

  Caroline’s own anguish had begun the very first time he had cried the other woman’s name, an emotional torment that didn’t leave her day or night. If Justin loved this woman called Penny, why wasn’t it her he had married? Unless, she had guessed, when no other explanation seemed to make sense, Penny was already married and so unnattainable to him? It made his decision to marry her, when he admitted to only feeling desire for her, rather more understandable.

  The last thing she felt like doing now, however, was planning a honeymoon trip for herself and Justin. What was the point of a honeymoon when the two of them didn’t even touch any more unless it was by accident? And she couldn’t bear the idea of the two of them going off to be alone somewhere with Justin’s thoughts of Penny being a very intrusive third.

  God, she was glad he hadn’t tried to make love to her the last three days; she wasn’t sure she would have been able to respond even if he had touched her!

  He hadn’t told her he had had a vasectomy, and he had lied when he scorned love; he was definitely in love with this Penny. Maybe even his initial decision not to have children had something to do with the other woman, or perhaps that was the reason the two of them weren’t married; it would be difficult for any woman to accept Justin’s decision not to have children, and the steps he had taken to ensure it never happened.

  Whatever the reason, Justin wasn’t with the woman he loved but was married to her instead, and she didn’t feel as if she could go on a honeymoon with him as if nothing had changed between them. Oh, her love for Justin would never change, she had known that when she had been able to accept his conditions concerning her having the baby, but it was no longer a love she felt able to give unreservedly.

  ‘I’m really not worried about going anywhere, Justin,’ she dismissed shruggingly. ‘I would have to take time off from the hospital, and—and it seems rather silly to go on a honeymoon when we’ve already been married two months,’ she added lamely, evading his suddenly concerned gaze.

  She couldn’t stand his concern, not when his night-time ramblings about another woman had broken her heart!

  ‘Every woman should have a honeymoon she can look back on,’ he gently reproved her lack of enthusiasm.

  ‘And who told you that?’ she said sharply, embarrassed colour darkening her cheeks as Justin raised his brows in surprise at her vehemence.

  ‘Darling, I married you so quickly, you didn’t have time to arrange the grand wedding you must have really wanted. At least let me give you the honeymoon,’ he softly cajoled.

  ‘I’m really not interested in going away at the moment.’ She picked up her napkin from her lap to fold it precisely and place it next to the cup of coffee which was all she had had for breakfast. ‘We’ve very busy on the ward, and—’

  ‘Caroline, what’s wrong?’ Justin’s hand clasped hers as it still rested on the t
able. ‘You’ve been very jumpy the last three days. I thought you would welcome the idea of some time away—’

  ‘And so you decided to indulge me!’ she flared resentfully, glaring at him. ‘I’m not a child, Justin, who has to be spoilt and petted when I fall down and graze my knee! I’m a trained nurse, responsible for people’s lives; I certainly don’t expect my husband to treat me like a moron!’

  Justin gave a pained wince. ‘I see one of the other characteristics of a pregnant woman is surfacing,’ he said drily.

  Her eyes flashed. ‘And what’s that?’

  He shrugged. ‘The uncertain temper.’

  ‘And just how would you know?’ she challenged, pulling her hand away from his as she stood up. ‘I do not want a honeymoon, either now or in the future. And now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go to work.’

  ‘No, I won’t.’

  She turned sharply at the door to the dining-room at his softly spoken words. ‘No, you won’t what?’ she prompted impatiently.

  He stood up slowly, towering over her as he joined her at the door. ‘No, I won’t excuse you,’ he told her firmly, his hand under her chin as he made her look up at him.

  ‘Caro—’

  ‘Don’t you dare!’ she cried vehemently, wrenching away from him. ‘Don’t you dare try and seduce me, you—you—’

  ‘Caroline, for God’s sake, what is the matter with you?’ He lost all patience with her seemingly unreasonable behaviour.

  ‘I’m going to work.’ She threw open the door. ‘I don’t want to talk about this any more!’

  She ran out into the hallway, rushing past a wide-eyed Mrs Avery on her way to see if they wanted more coffee, and, grabbing her jacket off the hall-stand, hurried from the apartment as if she were being pursued.

  She heartily thanked the fact that nursing didn’t give a lot of time for private thought as she somehow managed to get through the morning without a crack in her well-formed defences showing. But by lunch-time she felt drained, both physically and mentally, and, ignoring the hungry cry of her stomach, she went for a walk outside, where she hoped the freshness of the day would help to clear her head.

  The hospital grounds were lovely, kept that way by the full-time gardeners they employed, although the beauty of the flowers didn’t reach her today, her thoughts immediately returning to that scene between herself and Justin this morning. She was behaving like a shrew, she knew that, and yet his suggestion of a honeymoon had just seemed to be the final straw.

  For three days she had done her best to pretend that everything was as it had always been between them, that Justin didn’t call out for another woman in his sleep, but this morning she just hadn’t been able to pretend any more!

  She had accepted so much from Justin because she loved him and wanted to be with him: the fact that he couldn’t love her, that he didn’t want their baby; she just felt she had come to the end of the disillusionment she could take and still love him that unquestioningly.

  ‘Slow down! For God’s sake, Caroline, I’m not as young as I was, and I’m not sure you should be walking at that pace in your condition!’

  She turned to find Tony hurrying after her, panting with the effort of trying to catch her up. One look at the man she would have married if she had never met Justin, one look at his uncomplicated face, and the tears she had been repressing all morning burst out in a flood, her body racked by deep sobs.

  ‘Hey, women don’t usually cry as soon as they see me,’ he gently rebuked as he took her into his arms, Caroline’s tears instantly wetting both of them. ‘Caroline, what on earth has happened?’ he demanded in a concerned voice.

  She just cried all the harder, burying her face in his white coat.

  ‘Has something happened to Justin?’ he prompted worriedly.

  She let out a loud wail before burying her face in his coat again.

  ‘Caroline, we’ll have to go somewhere more private if you’re going to carry on like this,’ he warned with feeling.

  She roused herself enough to look around them, realising as she did so that these gardens were visible from several of the wards. ‘Get me away from here!’ she groaned in embarrassment.

  With his arm about her shoulders to shield her from prying eyes, Tony took her to one of the private lounges, shooing out the only other occupant, a student nurse, so that they could be completely alone.

  He sat down in a chair with her on his lap. ‘Now tell me what’s wrong,’ he encouraged gently, removing her crumpled cap so that she could be more comfortable against his shoulder.

  ‘You were right, Tony,’ she sniffled self-pityingly. ‘You warned me I could never hold Justin’s interest—’

  ‘I didn’t exactly say that,’ he denied uncomfortably. ‘Anyway, I was angry that night; I said things in the heat of temper.’

  ‘And sometimes they can be all too truthful,’ she sobbed.

  ‘Have the two of you argued?’ Tony guessed with some relief. ‘I shouldn’t worry about it. Sonia and I do it all the time, and the making up can be—’

  ‘Justin has someone else,’ she told him flatly.

  ‘What?’

  She swallowed hard, still shaking quite badly. ‘Justin is in love with someone else,’ she stated much more calmly than she felt.

  ‘No.’ Tony shook his head.

  She gave a start of surprise, blinking dazedly at his absolute certainty she was wrong. ‘He has another woman, Tony,’ she insisted firmly. ‘I even know her name,’ she added shakily.

  ‘From where?’ he prompted patiently.

  ‘From his dreams,’ she answered defensively. Somehow she had expected Tony to sympathise with her, to be her ally, not to have him flatly refuse to believe in Justin’s duplicity. ‘He calls her name in his dreams!’

  ‘Oh, well, that doesn’t mean anything,’ Tony scorned. ‘I dream about—well, never mind who I dream about,’ he dismissed ruefully. ‘But I can tell you I usually want to do more than talk to her!’

  Caroline shook her head. ‘This isn’t that sort of dream, Tony,’ she said confidently. ‘Justin cares for this woman. Very much.’

  ‘I don’t believe it. I’m sorry.’ He held up his hands defensively as she stood up to frown down at him. ‘I may still think he did a dirty thing by making my girlfriend fall in love with him,’ he grimaced, ‘but I can say with all honesty that I don’t believe he’s interested in any other woman but you. You can’t really believe otherwise, Caroline,’ he rebuked. ‘Have you asked him about this woman?’

  She turned away. Asking Justin about Penny was the one thing she had put off doing—she was afraid of the answer. Once she knew, irrevocably, that he loved someone else, she wouldn’t be able to stay with him, no matter how much she might love him.

  ‘No, I can’t; don’t you see that?’ She looked at Tony anxiously.

  He shook his head. ‘I can see that you’re probably putting yourself through a lot of unnecessary pain.’ He sighed. ‘Caroline, I have the most reason to want to believe Justin is an out and out bastard, to have you leave him, but the truth of the matter is I like the man, I respect his honesty, and I truly don’t believe he would stay married to you if he were in love with someone else.’

  ‘Even if that someone were unnattainable?’ she questioned uncertainly.

  ‘Even then,’ Tony confirmed. ‘Damn it, Caroline, the night of my parents’ anniversary party he was dating my sister; by the end of the evening he had told her he no longer wanted to see her because he wanted you. He isn’t a man to mince his words, or his emotions, and if he wanted this other woman he would have told you—and her.’

  She still looked uncertain, wanting to believe what he said was the truth, but the memory of the way Justin cried out the other woman’s name kept haunting her; he was like a man in torment.

  ‘Caroline, if it really distresses you that much then ask him about her,’ Tony advised impatiently. ‘But don’t keep letting the thing fester and grow in your mind.’

  She gave
him a wan smile. ‘I’ll think about it. You know, you aren’t bad as a brother.’ She bent down to kiss him on the cheek.

  ‘Caroline,’ drawled a pleasant voice. ‘Tony?’ Justin added questioningly. ‘And please, don’t either of you say “this isn’t what it seems”,’ he murmured derisively as they both turned to him with stricken faces. ‘What it “seems” couldn’t possibly be taking place here!’ He looked pointedly around the lounge that anyone could walk into at any moment—and had!

  Tony stood up. ‘I’m glad you said that,’ he said with some relief. ‘I might have found it a little difficult explaining to Sonia what I did to merit having you put me in one of my own wards!’

  Justin gave the ghost of a smile, his gaze bleak. ‘I try never to jump to conclusions,’ he bit out harshly. ‘So what were you doing?’ He looked at them both coldly.

  All Caroline could do was stare at him; Justin was the last person she had expected to see here today. Oh, he knew his way around here OK, had sought her out several times when he was trying to persuade her to go out with him, but what was he doing here now, and looking as if he hadn’t been to work, wearing a casual grey shirt and denims that hugged his waist and thighs? She never failed to receive a jolt of physical awareness whenever she saw him in clothes like this, and today was no exception.

  ‘I—’

  ‘Aren’t pregnant women emotional?’ Tony cut in dismissively to the other man. ‘All my medical training and I never realised they all fall apart at the seams. I’m going to make sure Sonia knows exactly what she’s letting herself in for before she gets pregnant,’ he grimaced. ‘I don’t fancy walking around damp from tears all the time.’ He pulled his damp jacket away from him pointedly. ‘And the slightest little thing sets them off.’ He shook his head disgustedly. ‘I only told Caroline I thought she should slow down a little and she started blubbering all over me. Very embarrassing, I can tell you,’ he confided in Justin.

  He was doing his best to smooth things over for her, and at that moment Caroline could have kissed him all over again. Only she very wisely didn’t!