Uncertain Destiny

by Carole Mortimer

  Caroline was dismayed when she realised that she and Justin never had finished their conversation about his first wife, about how and why the other woman had died. Not that it really mattered, Caroline acknowledged, not when Justin’s ability to love had died with her. She didn’t need to know anything more about his first marriage than that.

  Despite the worry about Don Lindford, and the state of her marriage, the pregnancy was going well. The baby moved all the time now, seemed extremely active. It was an experience she should have been able to share with Justin, but after the last time she had attempted it she didn’t dare. As a result, the baby was growing nicely and she was losing weight. By the end of her fifth month she felt too dispirited to continue working. She was sad to let her career go and to say goodbye to all the wonderful people she had come to know at the hospital, but really felt she wasn’t doing her patients or herself any good by continuing. But the extra time at the apartment that no longer seemed like home to her didn’t bring her any comfort.

  After two weeks of wandering about the perfectly neat and tidy rooms, when she was even beginning to get on Mrs Avery’s nerves with her constant listlessness, Caroline knew she couldn’t stand living like this any longer, that it was time for her to start getting on with the rest of her life.

  ‘No!’ Justin bit out furiously that evening when she told him she was going to start looking around for somewhere else to live.

  She sighed brokenly at his implacability. ‘I can’t live like this any more!’

  His mouth tightened as his gaze flickered over her finely etched features and too-slender body. ‘And what about Lindford?’

  She made an impatient movement. ‘If he’s that dangerous why don’t the police arrest him?’ She knew she was behaving unreasonably, but she just couldn’t cope any more.

  ‘There’s a little matter of evidence, Caroline,’ Justin reminded her in a rasping voice. ‘He hasn’t committed any crime—that they’re yet aware of,’ he added grimly.

  If the last weeks had been hard on her, Justin hadn’t fared any better, his face thinner, lines of tiredness beside his eyes, no sign any more of even his arrogant humour. They were making each other more unhappy than was necessary by this enforced continuation of their sham of a marriage. Anyone looking at them could see they were unhappy together.

  ‘He could go on like this for years,’ she pointed out restlessly.

  ‘He won’t,’ Justin said with certainty. ‘Sooner or later he’s going to get tired of playing.’

  ‘And if it’s later?’ She sighed her frustration with the situation, not even caring at that moment that, when Don Lindford did tire of playing, someone might get hurt. She was too tired and angry to think rationally.

  Justin shrugged. ‘I can’t see that it’s going to harm you to continue living with me like this,’ he bit out, his eyes narrowed. ‘What’s really changed, Caroline?’ he derided. ‘Only that we no longer share a bed!’

  She flinched. ‘You’re right.’ She was suddenly very still. ‘We always were strangers anywhere else but there.’

  He frowned darkly. ‘I didn’t mean it like—Caroline!’ he called after her as she fled the room.

  He made no effort to follow her to the bedroom she now slept in alone, and for that she felt grateful. These damned tears, she cursed the flood that cascaded down her cheeks; the morning sickness had passed only to be replaced by tears that fell at the slightest provocation. And living with Justin the way that she was at the moment there was all too much of that! She cried because she was bored and restless, she cried because there seemed too much to do, she cried because she loved Justin, she cried because she hated him a little, too. Anything could make her cry, even the fact that it was raining outside.

  Justin was right, she couldn’t leave here just yet. And that made her cry, too!

  The socialising they had to do made matters even worse. Her whole family seemed to like Justin, and when they dined with her parents Simon usually managed to be there now, his admiration for Justin so great that he was contemplating becoming a lawyer, too, once he had left university. Even being with Sonia and Tony was a strain, although Tony, at least, was aware of the situation concerning Don Lindford.

  The situation also seemed to have brought out Tony’s protective instincts where Sonia was concerned, to have shown him his true feelings for his wife, his love for her now undoubted. And if nothing else good had come out of the mess, Caroline could at least be glad that had. Tony and Sonia’s marriage was going to last; she was sure of it.

  Although she wasn’t quite so certain of that when Sonia turned up at the apartment swearing and cursing about her husband.

  ‘How dare he!’ She marched into the apartment after Caroline, having nothing else to do, had opened the door to her ring. ‘Treating me as if I’m six years old, like I have no sense at all—yes, just as if all I have between my ears is fresh air!’ She glared across the width of the lounge at Caroline, who watched her rather bemusedly. ‘And you’re no better,’ she suddenly accused, her blue eyes blazing furiously. ‘I realise I’m your “baby sister”, but how could you keep something like this from me? I thought we were close, closer than ever before after admitting how guilty we felt about our jealousy of each other as children. And now you—’

  ‘Sonia, would you calm down and tell me what’s wrong?’ she prompted ruefully. ‘Let me ask Mrs Avery to get us some tea,’ she said persuasively. ‘And then—’

  ‘Tea!’ her sister echoed explosively. ‘I don’t want any tea, I just want an explanation!’

  She held up her hands in a defensive shrug. ‘For what?’ Caroline was completely puzzled by her sister’s outburst. ‘Darling, you aren’t still imagining that Tony is in love with me, are you? Because—’

  ‘Of course not,’ Sonia dismissed impatiently. ‘Although at the time I wasn’t imagining it,’ she added firmly. ‘What I am talking about is the fact that no one troubled to tell me about this man Lindford!’ She glared.

  ‘Oh.’ Caroline turned away with a sigh. ‘That,’ she grimaced.

  ‘That?’ Sonia exploded. ‘Some man has been going around threatening you, issuing obscure threats to all of us, and all you can say is “Oh—that"!’

  Caroline sighed. ‘I gather Tony told you about him?’

  Her sister nodded impatiently. ‘He’s been like an old mother hen lately, wanting to know where I am all the time, when I’ll be home, things like that. At first I was quite flattered that he seemed to be acting jealously,’ she admitted ruefully. ‘Then I began to feel as if he didn’t trust me for some reason, and I didn’t like that.’

  She could see by Sonia’s mutinous expression that she hadn’t. ‘The poor man told you out of self-defence!’ she realised with a shake of her head.

  ‘So what if he did?’ her sister said unrepentantly. ‘He should have told me what was going on weeks ago.’

  Caroline sighed. ‘I only found out myself a short time ago.’

  ‘But you didn’t say a word about it to me,’ Sonia rebuked her. ‘He could have—could have—You shouldn’t have kept it to yourself, Caroline.’

  ‘Justin and Tony ganged up on us,’ she said ruefully. ‘But they only did what they thought was best, although I have to admit I was as angry as you to start with,’ she reasoned as her sister seemed about to protest again. ‘Look at it from their point of view,’ she pointed out gently. ‘They didn’t want to worry either of us.’ The last thing any of them needed was Sonia becoming so angry about the situation that she continued her argument with Tony!

  ‘Of course not,’ Sonia agreed slowly, looking ruefully at Caroline’s obvious pregnancy. ‘I’m sorry, love, for coming here and going on like this, but I was just so angry at being treated like a child—’

  ‘So was I.’ She smiled.

  ‘Gave Justin hell, hm?’ As Caroline had intended, Sonia began to relax, the fire dying out of her eyes as she sank down into one of the armchairs.

  ‘Do you think that’s poss
ible?’ Caroline sat down, too, now that the danger had passed; Sonia could be totally unreasonable if she allowed herself to stay angry.

  ‘I think it’s possible for you to do anything where Justin is concerned.’ Sonia wrinkled her nose prettily. ‘He’s obviously very much in love with you.’

  She remained outwardly calm, but inside she was dying a little more. She didn’t know how Justin felt about anything any more, but even if he did love her she knew that even to keep her with him he wouldn’t ever tell her of that love. And even if he could admit to feeling something for her, there was still the baby to consider, the child he didn’t want.

  ‘I was—a little angry with him at the time,’ she admitted dismissively.

  ‘Like I was a “little angry” with Tony,’ Sonia said teasingly.

  Her mouth quirked in amusement. ‘Probably.’

  ‘Men!’ Sonia shook her head. ‘When will they learn that women aren’t made of delicate china?’

  ‘I can’t say I altogether mind being protected,’ Caroline said thoughtfully, remembering the warm glow she always felt in Justin’s arms. ‘Even if that is disloyal to the liberated female.’

  ‘It is, but I’m afraid I feel the same way,’ her sister confided. ‘Although don’t, for goodness’ sake, tell Tony that!’

  Caroline laughed softly. ‘I won’t. Would you like that tea now?’

  ‘Why not?’ Sonia accepted lightly. ‘In view of the fact that you shouldn’t drink anything stronger I think it will do as a celebration drink.’

  She rang for Mrs Avery. ‘What are we celebrating?’ She frowned her puzzlement, briefly breaking off the conversation to ask for the tray of tea before turning curiously back to Sonia.

  ‘Why the fact that it’s all over, of course,’ her sister commented with impatient indulgence for her puzzlement.

  Caroline became suddenly still, her heart beating faster, her mouth dry. ‘Do you really think it is?’ she said enigmatically.

  ‘Of course.’ Sonia scorned her lack of confidence. ‘The American authorities have this man Lindford now; they’ve charged him with everything from illegal parking to arms smuggling. Justin says he’s in real trouble.’

  She swallowed hard. ‘Tony told you that, too?’

  ‘I’d have killed him if he hadn’t,’ her sister told her lightly. ‘Justin told him the good news a couple of days ago; it was because Tony suddenly stopped asking me where I was going that I became suspicious!’ she added ruefully. ‘Personally I hope they put him away for a long time—’

  Caroline was no longer listening. Justin had known for at least two days that Don Lindford no longer posed a threat to any of them, and he hadn’t told her!

  CHAPTER TEN

  WHEN Caroline had asked Justin about Don Lindford on the few occasions they had talked together he had told her the other man was still proving elusive. If Sonia were to be believed, and Caroline had no reason to believe Tony would lie to her sister—every reason to be sure he hadn’t now that he was familiar with her sister’s temper!—then that was no longer true.

  Why hadn’t Justin told her that?

  The only answer that seemed possible was that he hadn’t wanted her to leave. But that didn’t sound like the Justin she knew, the Justin who had assured her that once this was over he would help her find somewhere else to live, that he was only keeping her here for her own safety.

  He was late home that evening but Caroline was waiting in the living-room for him, having assured Mrs Avery that she could see to serving dinner for the two of them tonight. If they wanted any. Personally she didn’t think she could eat a thing.

  ‘Justin?’ she called to him before he could disappear into his study for the rest of the evening.

  He was frowning heavily when he appeared in the doorway, tall and dark, the eye-patch giving him the appearance of a misplaced pirate. ‘Yes?’ he prompted abruptly, his manner not forthcoming.

  He was more a stranger to her now that he had ever been, but she still loved him more than he seemed to believe it was possible to love anyone. Her hands rested self-consciously on the rounded swell of her body, the same swell that prevented her putting her hands anywhere else. ‘I want—need—to talk to you,’ she told him huskily.

  His brows rose. ‘Can’t it wait until I’ve had a shower and changed?’

  ‘No,’ she said flatly.

  Justin put down his briefcase in one of the armchairs with forceful movements, striding into the room to look down at her, his gaze hooded. ‘You didn’t see the doctor today, did you?’ he frowned. ‘I thought that wasn’t until next week.’

  The fact that he was aware of her routine checkups with her doctor at all came as something of a surprise to her; that he knew when they were stunned her.

  His mouth tightened as he saw her reaction to his question. ‘Mrs Avery chatters on about them as if I should be interested in every twinge!’ he bit out dismissively.

  Dull acceptance darkened her eyes to the colour of sapphires. For a moment she had actually believed he had taken an interest in her pregnancy. She should have realised that Mrs Avery, as excited about the baby as if it were her own grandchild, and not realising Justin’s feelings, had talked to him about her visits to the doctor; she always asked for full reports when Caroline returned home. When was she going to realise, once and for all, that Justin just didn’t care about this child?

  ‘I’m sorry you’ve been bothered,’ she told him bleakly. ‘I’ll tell her not to worry you with it. But that won’t be necessary now, will it?’ She looked at him challengingly, her eyes narrowed, her hair a blaze of tumbling curls about her shoulders. She could sense his tension at her question, although not a nerve pulsed to show he was in the least disturbed by it. ‘She’ll realise you don’t care about this pregnancy as soon as I move out and ask her to go with me,’ she added at his lack of response.

  His hands were thrust into the pockets of his suit trousers. ‘And when is that going to be?’

  She shrugged, forcing herself to remain calm when what she really longed to do was get up and shake some sense into him, some feeling! ‘Tomorrow, I think, don’t you?’ She looked up at him questioningly, willing him to tell her he didn’t want her to go at all. But of course, he didn’t.

  His breath left his body in a ragged sigh. ‘Was it Tony or Sonia who told you about Lindford?’

  At least he wasn’t attempting to prevaricate about the other man’s arrest. ‘Does that really matter?’ She shook her head. ‘I know, and so there’s no reason for me to stay on here. Why didn’t you tell me about him?’

  Justin turned away, taking his time about pouring himself a drink.

  ‘Justin!’ she finally prompted when she could stand the tension no more.

  He turned slowly, a look of utter defeat on his face, his drink remaining untouched on the side-table. ‘Why don’t you stay on here until you’ve found somewhere else to live?’

  He wasn’t going to say why he hadn’t told her about Don Lindford’s arrest in America; she could see that by the determined thrust of his jaw. If she weren’t so angry with him for his obstinacy she could have cried for what he was so wantonly throwing away. ‘I can always stay with my parents for a while,’ she said firmly. ‘I’m sure they won’t mind.’

  His mouth twisted into a bitter smile. ‘Anything but staying on here!’

  ‘Yes!’ Anger flared in her eyes, her struggle to stand up most undignified; Sonia had been right about the crane! Finally she managed to stand across the room from Justin. ‘The way things are, I can’t stay here!’

  He sighed. ‘I wish I could say things will change—’

  ‘But you can’t,’ she finished dismissively, walking to the door.

  ‘Where are you going?’ he called out to her.

  She stopped, but she didn’t turn, too aware of the tears burning to be shed, of too many wasted tears, to put either of them through that again. ‘I’ve already packed my things,’ she told him softly. ‘I think it would be best if
I went to my parents tonight—’

  ‘Don’t go!’

  She closed her eyes as the pain of parting from him ripped through her. ‘Please don’t make this any harder than it already is!’ she groaned, taking another step out of his life.

  ‘For God’s sake, don’t go, Caroline!’ He stood behind her now, spinning her round to face him, his hands painful on her arms. ‘Don’t leave me!’

  She gazed up at him searchingly, at the pain etched into his face, pride and arrogance stripped from him in this moment of pleading. He was hurting just as badly as she was, but she dared not allow even that to change her mind about leaving. They couldn’t go on without love between them, a shared love, a love that included Justin caring for his child.

  She shook her head. ‘I’m sorry, Justin—oh, don’t!’ she choked as a silver-wet trail fell unheeded down his grooved cheek at her refusal. ‘Oh, my darling, no!’ she groaned as she wiped the wetness away with her fingertips, only to find his cheek was instantly wet again, the patch over his unsighted eye rapidly dampening, too. ‘Justin, don’t!’ Her arms were about his waist as she pressed her cheek against his heaving chest.

  He held her fiercely to him, his body racked by sobs. ‘I love you, Caroline,’ he rasped. ‘Dear God, how I love you! Don’t leave me,’ he begged again. ‘I’ll do anything, anything you want, but don’t leave me!’

  It broke her heart anew to know that she had done this to him, reduced him to this. But what of their child? As if aware of her thoughts the baby moved impatiently inside her, indignant at the way it was being squashed between their two bodies.

  Justin drew back with a pained gasp at the fleeting movement, staring down at the swell of their child, his gaze widening incredulously as he saw an elbow or a knee move against the smoothness of Caroline’s dress. He swallowed convulsively, one hand moving tentatively towards her, barely resting against the tautness of her body, but nevertheless receiving a healthy kick in response to his touch.

  He looked up at Caroline in wonder, his hand more firmly against her now, feeling the strong movements of his child.