by Louise Hall
“Are you sure you’re OK?” Liv asked as they tiptoed out of the darkened nursery.
“I think I’ve pulled a muscle,” Cate winced. “We’re dancing the Viennese Waltz this week.”
Liv giggled.
“What?” Cate asked.
“I’m sorry,” Liv covered her mouth with her hands. “I just can’t believe that my shy little sister danced the Cha Cha in front of millions of people on Saturday night. I can still remember how mortified you were when I accidentally walked in on you shaking your hips to Shakira when we were teenagers.”
“Ugh,” Cate shuddered, “don’t remind me.”
“Seriously,” Liv slung an arm around her sister’s shoulders, “I think it’s brilliant that you’re trying new things. It’s what life is all about.”
“Embarrassing myself and my family on national TV?”
“You didn’t embarrass anybody.”
Cate rolled her eyes, “at least it’s helping 33 Rocks.”
“Don’t do that,” Liv put her hands on her hips. “Don’t be a martyr about this, Cate.”
Cate turned around too quickly, feeling the ache in her back intensify. “I’m not.”
“On Saturday night, when you walked out on to that dancefloor in that skimpy little Kylie dress, you looked sexy as hell.”
Liv put her hands on her sister’s shoulders, “being on Stepping Out doesn’t have to be something you just endure for the sake of your charity. If you fully embrace it, it could be one of the best experiences of your life. When was the last time you got all glammed up?”
Cate laughed, “I’m a mum of three, what do you think?”
After Cate had filled a hot water bottle for her aching back, she and Liv went and sat on the swing on the porch at the back of the house, looking out over Puget Sound.
“What are you afraid of?” Liv asked softly.
Cate was quiet for a moment. “I guess I’m scared that they won’t like me. It isn’t just about the dancing; it’s a personality contest as well. I shouldn’t even be on the show, Liv; I’m not a celebrity. What happens if I give it everything I’ve got and then I get voted off on Saturday night anyway? It would be such a personal rejection. At least, if I say to myself that I’m only doing this for the charity then when I get voted off, I can think about all the money we’ve raised instead.”
“Nobody forced the producers to cast you, Cate. There are a thousand reasons why you should be on Stepping Out. When you’re not being such a Serious Sarah, you’re actually a lot of fun.” Cate’s lips twitched with a smile. “Look at you, you’re bloody gorgeous. You’re not a vapid celebrity who’s only famous because she made a sex tape. You’re a real woman who went through something horrible and is working her arse off trying to help other women who are going through the same thing.”
“Do you think Jax would mind if I stole you for however long I’m on Stepping Out?”
“I think he might,” Liv giggled. “Seriously though, if you need another pep talk or a kick up the arse, I’m only at the other end of the phone.”
“I might just take you up on that,” Cate could already feel her perspective shifting. “I wonder if Ruby’s looking forward to her weekend away with Nico?”
“I bet she is,” Liv wiggled her eyebrows, “with her laptop out of action, she must be horny as freaking hell.”
“Ew,” Cate covered her eyes, “that’s our sister you’re talking about.”
Liv chuckled, enjoying her sister’s discomfort. “Do I have to remind you of the time Jax and I caught you and Kian joining the mile high club?”
“No, you really don’t.”
“That Emily gives me the creeps though,” Liv shuddered. “I wouldn’t let her poke around in my computer, that’s for sure.”
“I’ve only seen her once,” Cate shrugged, “she seemed OK, maybe a bit intense.”
The next morning, Cate woke up with a different attitude. Liv was right, she needed to “fun the shite” out of every single second of being on Stepping Out. She was ridiculously early so she went to the Starbucks around the corner from the gym and picked up coffee and breakfast pastries for Declan and the camera crew.
“Morning,” she said breezily as she walked into the studio.
“Um, thanks,” the camera crew looked a bit stunned as she handed them their coffees. She crossed her fingers that she’d got their orders right.
“I need to look at your forehead,” Declan grinned, showing off his cute dimples. “I can’t feel anything,” he muttered as his fingers danced across her skin.
“What are you looking for?”
“You’re far too happy this morning,” Declan winked. “I feel sure you must have had a bump on the head or something.”
“Very funny,” Cate swatted him. She felt guilty that she must have been such a prize grump before. “Come on, let’s get to work.”
“First of all, I want to work on your neck and back.” Cate winced, this was going to hurt.
Declan had her stand against the wall. He put his hands on her hips, keeping them pinned to the cool brick wall. “Perfect, I want you to extend your shoulders and neck as far away from the wall as possible.” Cate felt her back protest as she tried to do what Declan had asked. With the cameras still rolling, she was determined that she wasn’t going to complain.
“Good,” Declan said. “Keep your frame. That’s good. A little more.”
He let go of her hips, “grab a drink and then we’ll try the routine again.”
Cate surreptitiously swallowed a couple more painkillers even though they weren’t helping at all; her back was getting worse.
The song they would be dancing to on Saturday night was “A Thousand Years” by Christina Perri. It was a very special song for Cate and Kian.
“Can we try it one more time?” Cate asked.
Even though she was in pain, there was something magical about the Viennese Waltz. Earlier in the week, Declan had read her something Johann Wolfgang von Goethe had written about the dance: “never have I moved so lightly. I was no longer a human being. To hold the most adorable creature in one’s arms and fly around with her like the wind, so that everything around us fades away.”
As Declan whipped them into a dizzying array of spins, Cate felt the cool air rush like the wind against her exposed skin. For a few glorious seconds, she could transcend her aching back and the bright lights of the camera crew.
“Are you OK?” Declan asked. He was a little out of breath.
“Mm,” Cate nodded. Liv’s pep talk last night had freed her from the doubts and negativity which had been weighing her down all week.
As she walked across the studio to get a drink of water, she could feel sweat trickling down her back and it was a good feeling, knowing that she’d given one hundred percent to something.
The camera crew must have been testing the lights because suddenly everything became that much brighter. It was so bright, it made her eyes hurt.
She closed her eyes for a second and when she opened them again, she was crumpled up on the floor and the side of her forehead was throbbing. “Cate?”
“My head hurts.”
“I think we should get the doctor,” Declan looked concerned. “You banged your head on the mirror.”
“It will make great TV though, right?” Cate joked with the camera crew.
“We’ve deleted it, sweetheart,” the camera man insisted.
“Thank you,” Cate said gratefully. “I’ll be OK,” she assured Declan, “I just got too hot.”
Cate was just glad that Kian was still in L.A. She had a real doozy of a bruise blossoming on her forehead and if Kian had been at home, he would have frogmarched her to the nearest doctor to get it checked out; he was so overprotective.
Abby was in the kitchen doing the washing up when Cate got home that night. Cate and Abby had co-founded 33 Rocks together after they’d both struggled with prenatal depression. “You don’t have to do that,” Cate rolled up her sleeves ready to tak
e over.
“Hush,” Abby shooed Cate to the breakfast bar, “you sit down while I finish up here.”
“Where’s Nate?” Abby’s son worked for Cate and Kian as their nanny.
“He’s got a kickboxing lesson tonight.” Abby turned around, drying her soapy hands. “Oh my goodness, what have you done?”
Cate touched the side of her forehead with the tips of her fingers, “is it really that bad?”
Abby grabbed some frozen peas from the freezer and wrapped them up in a dry towel. She’d become like a second mum to Cate. “Come here,” Abby brushed Cate’s hair away from her forehead and gently pressed the frozen peas against the offending bump. “What did the doctor say?”
“You don’t need to fuss,” Cate insisted. “Bumps and bruises are all part of learning to dance.”
Abby updated her with what was happening with 33 Rocks. Although she was determined to “fun the shite” out of Stepping Out, she was still worried that her being on the show would have a negative impact on their charity.
“After that VT on Saturday night…” Cate chewed her lip.
“Everything’s fine,” Abby assured her. “Besides, I didn’t sign you up to be on Stepping Out just so that we could raise money for 33 Rocks, hon. Ever since Sierra was born, you have been so determined to keep your depression at bay that I think you’ve forgotten how to have a little fun.”
“Am I really that boring?” Cate felt tears prick the corners of her eyes. Abby was echoing what Liv had said about her being such a “Serious Sarah.”
“No,” Abby gave her a hug, “that wasn’t what I meant.”
CHAPTER 11
Cate felt the first drop of blood between her legs as she and Declan started their pivots on Saturday night. She knew something was very wrong but she couldn’t run off the dance floor in the middle of their Viennese Waltz. Their routine was only supposed to be ninety seconds but it felt like forever. When they finally stopped, she clung to Declan not knowing if she could remain upright without him. He must have sensed that something was wrong. He stealthily covered his microphone so they couldn’t be overheard.
“Are you OK?”
Cate shook her head. What she was thinking just wasn’t possible.
Declan kept his arm around her waist as they walked across to the judges. Cate couldn’t hear their comments for the sound of her deafening heartbeat.
As they walked up the steps, she noticed that her breasts didn’t hurt anymore.
Charlene gave them a nine while Bruce and Rich both gave them eight. Their total score of twenty five was ten points better than the previous week and put them joint second on the leader board.
Annie gave Cate a big hug, “I’m so proud of you, sweetheart.”
“That’s a great score from the judges,” Tom asked. “How are you feeling about that, Cate?”
“I think I’m in shock,” she mumbled.
After they’d been interviewed, Cate ran to the ladies’ toilets. She checked her underwear and there were thick streaks of blood. Just looking at the stark contrast between her white knickers and the dark red blood made her dry heave.
“It’s just your period,” Cate struggled to prise open the tampon packet with her shaky hands.
Declan’s friend, Max and his partner, Sarah were the second couple to be voted off Stepping Out. After they’d had their last dance, the remaining couples swarmed on to the dance floor to commiserate with them.
Cate held back from the rest of the group. She desperately wished that Kian was there in the audience tonight to support her. She self-consciously checked the back of her beautiful white dress to see if she had leaked at all. After she and Declan had been in the first batch of couples to find out that they were through to next week’s show, she’d run to the ladies’ toilets. She’d had to change her tampon again because even though it was for the heaviest flow, it was already soaked through with blood. She didn’t normally have such heavy periods.
When the cameras stopped rolling, Declan found her leaning against the wall, looking pale and sweaty. “I’m taking you to the hospital.”
Cate was too weak to protest.
The sun was just coming up when Kian walked into the hospital room. After he’d got Declan’s call, he’d got the last flight from Seattle to L.A.
“Angel?” Kian gently stroked his wife’s inky-black hair; she still looked far too pale. He could see the tracks of her tears glistening on her cheeks. She must have cried herself to sleep; it killed him that he hadn’t been there.
The doctors had told him that she’d had a miscarriage.
Kian shrugged off his jacket and tossed it on the sofa by the window. He kicked off his trainers and lay down beside his wife in the narrow hospital bed. She was still asleep but as though she could sense that he was there, she turned over, wrapping her fragile body around him.
Although he was exhausted, he couldn’t sleep. How could Cate have been pregnant when he’d had a vasectomy? Even in the months after Sierra was born and before he’d had the surgery, when they’d made love, Kian had always used a condom. They’d both agreed that they didn’t want any more children. All he could think was that one of the condoms must have broken and they hadn’t noticed. Fuck, he felt like he’d failed; it was his job as Cate’s husband to protect her from getting pregnant again.
He felt like the biggest idiot for not realising that she was pregnant sooner. She’d complained about her breasts being sore and she’d been sick several times. He’d thought that since they’d used condoms and he’d had the vasectomy that it was impossible. He should have insisted that she go to the doctors. Maybe there was something they could have done?
But what would they have done if they’d found out that Cate was pregnant again? It would have been an impossible situation. He’d had the vasectomy so he didn’t have to watch her struggle through another pregnancy. She’d suffered so badly with prenatal depression when she was pregnant with Sierra that she’d thought about killing herself. Kian couldn’t, wouldn’t risk that happening again.
But would they have decided on an abortion? Although he had always been pro-choice; it was impossible for him to think about that word without thinking about their three children; Lola, Mateo and Sierra. None of them had been planned. There were reasons why they could have had an abortion with each of them. Lola was conceived when Cate was only eighteen and Kian was grieving the death of his dad. She’d had to have an emergency C-section and almost died giving birth.
When Cate blinked open her eyes, she was wrapped up in Kian’s arms. “Hey.”
Cate buried her face in his chest. She couldn’t look him in the eye. She felt like she’d failed him and their family. She’d got pregnant again when she wasn’t supposed to and then she’d lost the baby. Cate pressed a hand against her abdomen; she still couldn’t believe that yesterday she’d had a baby in there, a part of her and Kian. It would have been a brother or sister to Lola, Mateo and Sierra. Fresh tears trickled down her cheeks, staining Kian’s t-shirt.
She heard the door open. “What are you doing? You can’t be lying in bed like that?”
Kian gritted his teeth. He made a mental note of the nurse’s name so he could get the insensitive bitch sacked later. “My wife…” Kian tightened his arms around Cate, who was still sobbing quietly against him, “needs me. I’m not going anywhere.”
After the nurse had gone, Cate lifted her head up from Kian’s chest. “I’m sorry.”
She still wouldn’t look at him. “You have nothing to be sorry about.”
“I need the bathroom,” Cate freed herself from his arms.
Before her feet could touch the cold floor, Kian swept her up in his arms and carried her into the bathroom. “Kian,” Cate protested, “put me down.” If they had any chance of their marriage surviving this, Kian couldn’t see the remains of their baby trickling down her legs.
She walked unsteadily towards the toilet. Kian put his hands on her hips. “I meant what I said, Cate,” he grunted
. “You can try to fight me on this but I’m not going anywhere.”
“I don’t want you to see it,” Cate croaked. “It’s bad enough that I have to see it.”
Kian helped her pull down her knickers; her inner thighs were still stained with blood.
As Cate sank down on to the cold toilet seat, Kian turned his back. His rejection when she felt so broken and vulnerable felt like a knife cutting through layers of her skin.
She closed her eyes but there were no more tears left for her to cry.
She jumped as she felt Kian’s warm hands on her knees, parting them. “What… are you doing?”
Kian pressed the warm, damp cloth against her skin, gently washing her. “I’m taking care of you, angel.” When she was clean, he found her a fresh sanitary towel and attached it to her knickers before helping her stand up. “I didn’t want you to see me like this.”
Cate looked down at the swirl of red in the toilet bowl. That was her baby.
Kian put his hand on hers and guided it to the handle. “I know it’s bullshit, angel and it doesn’t help one fucking bit but it wasn’t meant to be.”
Cate shook her head, “you’re right, it doesn’t help at all.”
“I can’t do it,” Cate said, looking at the handle. “I can’t wash it away like it’s nothing.”
“Do you want me to?”
“I don’t know,” Cate gripped the handle so tightly, her knuckles turned white. “No, I can do it. I need to do it.” She flicked her wrist and the toilet flush sounded deafening in the small bathroom.
Kian held her as she sank to the floor, keening like a wounded animal.
When she eventually passed out, he carried her battered and broken body back to bed. He couldn’t stop thinking about the blood on her skin and in the toilet bowl. His own grief and the helplessness he felt watching his wife in so much pain made him so fucking angry.
He paced back and forth in the quiet hospital room, making a list of everything he wanted to destroy. At the top of the list was the company which had manufactured the broken fucking condom. Then there was Seattle F.C for making him fly back to Seattle on Friday morning which meant he wasn’t with Cate in L.A. when she’d had the miscarriage. That bitch of a nurse who’d tried to get him to leave his wife’s bed earlier when she’d needed him.