Simply Love

by Mary Balogh

  Indeed, life seemed remarkably normal considering the fact that it was becoming increasingly obvious to Anne that there was nothing normal about hers at all. She had missed her courses before school started and had desperately tried to convince herself that it was merely because of the upsets in her life during the previous month. She had continued to hope even when she started to feel slightly nauseated after rising in the mornings-as she had done ten years ago.

  But of course-had she expected a miracle?-she missed her courses for a second time at the end of September and thought about what Sydnam Butler had once said about choices. She had chosen a month and a half ago to lie with him because she had wanted him and he had wanted her and it was their last day together. And that choice had forever changed her life.

  It was a terrifying thought.

  But there was nothing she could do now to change that choice or avoid its repercussions. She could only move onward with her life.

  She waited for a chilly Saturday morning after Susanna had taken most of the girls outside for games in the meadow and David had gone with them. Then she knocked on the door of Claudia Martin’s office and let herself in when she was summoned.

  “May I disturb you?” she asked. She and Susanna and Lila had sat in Claudia’s private sitting room just the evening before, drinking tea and chatting on a wide variety of topics, and Anne might have remained when the other two retired for the night. But she had known that she needed a more formal setting for what she had to say.

  Claudia looked up from her desk.

  “The last of the stragglers has just paid the school fees,” she said. “I do believe we are going to do well financially again this year, Anne. Within two or three years I hope to be able to inform Mr. Hatchard that we no longer need the assistance of our benefactor.”

  She set down her quill pen and gestured to a chair on the other side of her desk for Anne to sit down.

  “You handled Agnes Ryde’s tantrum very well at breakfast, Anne,” she said. “You calmed a potentially explosive situation. You have a great gift with difficult girls.”

  “She is still a little bewildered by her new environment, that is all,” Anne said. “When she is afraid, her experience of life has taught her that she must fight, with her tongue even if not with her fists. But she has an affectionate heart and a sharp mind, Claudia. I hope both will be nurtured while she is here. But I am quite sure they will be. This is a very good school. Any girl who is privileged to attend can only leave the better for having been here.”

  Claudia cocked her head to one side and leaned back in her chair. She was silent for a moment.

  “What is it, Anne?” she asked. “There is something I have been unable to put my finger on for quite a while now. You are as diligent and cheerful and patient as you have ever been. But there is some…hmm. There is some loss of serenity, if that is the right word. It has been of concern to me. Are you unwell? Shall I summon Mr. Blake?”

  Mr. Blake was the physician who came to the school whenever one of the boarders was indisposed.

  “I am going to be leaving here, Claudia,” Anne said abruptly, and somehow it seemed as if she were standing behind herself, listening to the words, appalled, as if someone else had spoken them. They were finally out. And they were true and irrevocable.

  Claudia looked keenly at her but did not make any comment.

  “I believe,” Anne said, closing her eyes briefly, “I am going to be married.”

  She had planned and rehearsed this for a whole week, ever since last Saturday morning, when she had walked into the center of Bath to post her letter to Glandwr. But so far she had said none of the words she had practiced. And she had not smiled or looked bright and happy, as she had planned to do.

  “Married?”

  She realized that Claudia had spoken the single word.

  “I met him in Wales during the summer,” Anne explained. “He asked me to marry him then, and I have decided that I will say yes. I have written to him.”

  “My felicitations.” Claudia was looking at her rather sternly, her back ramrod straight. “Might I be permitted to know his name?”

  Anne sighed and slumped a little in her chair.

  “I cannot do this,” she said, “as if you were simply a headmistress, my employer, and I a teacher. Or as if this were something I have been secretly considering for almost two months and have only now made a decision upon. I owe you better than this. I am so very sorry, Claudia. I told you everything about my month in Wales except the most significant part. He is Sydnam Butler, youngest son of the Earl of Redfield, and the Duke of Bewcastle’s steward at Glandwr.”

  “Sydnam Butler,” Claudia said, “of Alvesley Park not far from Lindsey Hall? I remember him. He was an extraordinarily handsome boy.”

  “I am with child by him,” Anne said bluntly.

  Claudia stared at her, and Anne saw her jaw clench hard.

  “Rape?” she asked.

  “No!” Anne’s eyes widened. “Oh, no, Claudia. Nothing like that. No. I was a willing participant. He offered me marriage but I declined. I did promise, though, that I would let him know if I were with child, and allow him to marry me. I sent a letter off to him a week ago.”

  There was a short silence.

  “But you do not wish to marry him?” Claudia asked.

  “No. Not really.”

  But she had missed him far more than she could have predicted. Even before she had begun to suspect the truth with the absence of her monthly courses and the morning nausea, he had dominated her waking thoughts and haunted her dreams. And she had wondered-every day since her return to Bath she had wondered-if her answer would have been different if she had not taken sudden fright-and if he had asked differently.

  If you wish, Anne, we will marry.

  Such dutiful, kind, dispassionate words.

  Now they were going to be forced into marrying. She must accept his dutiful willingness to put everything right, and he must accept that she had kept her promise but that he might never have a wife who could offer him physical warmth.

  Part of her longed for him. Part of her was terrified. And all of her hated the circumstances that would propel them into matrimony. He would hate the circumstances.

  “Then you must not do so, Anne.” Claudia set both hands on the desk and leaned forward, her voice and face firm. “He is the son of an earl and of wealth and privilege, and he is far too handsome for his own good-or yours. He is an associate of the Duke of Bewcastle. You will be miserable.”

  “And what is the alternative, Claudia?” Anne asked. “To remain here at the school? You know that will be impossible.”

  She watched the fierce light die out of Claudia’s eyes.

  A number of parents had asked questions and expressed concern years ago when Miss Martin employed an unwed mother as a teacher-and when that teacher had had the effrontery to bring her bastard son with her. One girl had even been withdrawn from the school in protest.

  “Besides,” Anne said, “I had no choice with David, Claudia, and life has been difficult for him as a result and will continue to be. I will not do that with another child when this time I do have a choice.”

  “He will marry you?” Claudia asked.

  “Yes,” Anne said.

  With her heart she was quite, quite sure that he would. He would be here any day now. There was, though, an almost panicked doubt in her head. What if he did not come?

  “Oh, Anne,” Claudia said. She slumped in her chair and sighed. “My dear, how could you have been so…foolish?”

  What she had done had, of course, been very foolish indeed. But there was really no point in regretting it. It had happened.

  “I ought to have told you sooner,” she said, “instead of waiting until I was absolutely sure-and even longer than that while I allowed time for my letter to reach him in Wales. You will need to replace me soon. Lila has been doing little more than apprentice work during the past month, but she shows great promise, Claudia. Like
Susanna, she seems able to win the respect of girls who were her fellow pupils just a few months ago, and she is very popular with the new girls. Besides which, she is really quite brilliant in mathematics and earned top marks in geography every year I taught her. If you choose to promote her, I do not believe she will let you down.”

  Claudia stared broodingly at her for several moments before pushing abruptly to her feet and rounding the desk and snatching Anne up into her arms.

  “Anne,” she said. “Anne, I ought to shake the life out of you. But…Oh, my dear, tell me how I may help you. Is there even the smallest chance that you can feel an affection for Mr. Butler?”

  Anne relaxed gratefully into the embrace. She had been so afraid that she would lose her friendships at the school-and it was of the very disciplined Claudia Martin that she had been most afraid. A woman who had twice been got with child outside wedlock could not demand the sympathy of her friends as a right.

  “I would not have…done what I did with him if I had not felt a very deep affection for him,” she said. “There was no seduction involved, Claudia, and certainly no rape. Please, you must believe that. There was affection on both sides.”

  “But you refused his marriage offer.” Claudia stood back, but she still held Anne’s arms. “Are you simply daft, or am I missing something?”

  “Marrying him seemed the wrong thing to do at the time,” Anne said, “for both of us and for reasons that might be difficult to put into words. But now there is to be a third person, and a marriage between us is the only right thing to do.”

  Claudia sighed again.

  “Sit down,” she said, pulling on the bell rope that hung beside the desk. “I will have a pot of tea brought in. All matters can be seen more clearly-and more calmly-over a cup of tea. If my ears do not deceive me, I believe the girls are returning from their games-ah, look, it is raining outside. That would explain it. I’ll invite Susanna to join us if I may. We are a little like sisters, are we not? I still miss Frances quite dreadfully. And how I will miss you, Anne, my dear.”

  She gave instructions to the maid who answered the bell.

  “There is actually a fourth person involved in all this, Anne, is there not?” she said while they waited for Susanna to join them. “Will Mr. Butler be a good father for David? I will forgive him a multitude of sins if the answer is yes.”

  It was a question that worried Anne more than any other. David desperately wanted a father. But his idea of a desirable father figure was the physically perfect and athletic Joshua or Lord Alleyne or Lord Aidan. However, David had met Sydnam and recognized in him a fellow artist. He did not appear to hold him in any particular aversion.

  But how would he feel about Sydnam as a father? As her husband?

  “He will be kind to David,” she said.

  Of that, at least, she was quite sure.

  There had been heavy rains for several weeks, making travel on the main roads slow and hazardous, even impossible at times. Sydnam had been watching with some impatience for the arrival of a letter from the Duke of Bewcastle and his solicitors, the final formality to be gone through before he could call T*** Gwyn officially his own.

  He was delighted when it finally arrived and opened it before he looked at the rest of the mail, though he could see that there was a letter from his mother at the top of the pile.

  He stood in the middle of his office looking down at the official papers and tried to feel the expected euphoria over knowing that his dream had finally come true. He was a landowner in his own right. He owned a home and land in Wales, a country he had come to love deeply. He now belonged. He fully belonged. He must call on Tudor Rhys later so that they could celebrate together.

  But euphoria was difficult to conjure these days.

  He was having the hall and the morning room of Ty Gwyn redecorated, since the sale had been all but final for longer than a month. But he had not been there to supervise or check on the work. He had not been there at all for almost two months. Not since…

  Well, not since then, in fact.

  He could not bring himself to go. He would have to pass through the gate-and drive past the stile. He would have to walk past the rose arbor. He would have to step inside the empty house-empty of all except workmen.

  And memories.

  He had not yet faced the absurd possibility that he would never actually take up residence in Ty Gwyn but would remain indefinitely in the cottage near Glandwr, using the excuse that he was comfortable there and closer to his work.

  He picked up the letter from his mother and flicked through the rest of the post. It all related to business-except for one slim letter written in an elegant hand that looked feminine. It was not Lauren’s writing. He set down his mother’s letter unopened, picked it up, and saw immediately that it had come from Bath.

  He stared at it for a few moments while his mouth grew dry. He had stopped looking for it weeks ago and had now been taken quite unawares. Though he did not know what the contents were, of course-or even for certain who the writer was.

  But who else would be writing to him from Bath?

  And what else would she write about?

  He broke the seal with his thumb and opened out the single sheet of paper.

  His eye went to the signature first.

  Ah. He had not been mistaken.

  He read the words she had written, and his mind deciphered them-individually and in small phrases. Their full meaning would not seem to crash through to his heart.

  She was with child. She had promised to inform him of that fact. She sent him her kind regards. All expressed in brief, formal sentences.

  She was with child.

  His child.

  His and Anne’s.

  She was with child, but she was unwed.

  Finally full awareness dawned.

  She was unwed.

  He must go to her. There must not be a moment’s delay. His life had suddenly become of infinite and precarious value. Only it stood between Anne Jewell and terrible ruin-between their child and terrible ruin. He must not delay.

  He folded the letter and put it into his pocket before hurrying from the room and dashing up to his bedchamber and ringing the bell for his valet. Poor Anne-there was no time to lose.

  But, of course, as he realized even before his valet arrived on the scene, surprised to be summoned in the middle of an afternoon, going to her rescue was not such a simple thing as donning his riding boots and coat, mounting the closest available horse, and galloping off in the direction of England and Bath.

  The letter, he could see as soon as he took it from his pocket and spread it out on his bed to read again, was dated well over a week ago. It had taken twice as long to arrive as it normally would. Of course-the roads! He had known they were virtually impassable. And they would still be bad. Heavy showers were still pouring down on them almost every day. Anyway, he was not his own master. He was Bewcastle’s steward, with responsibilities and duties to perform. He was going to have to complete a few urgent tasks before he could go anywhere, and he was going to have to make arrangements with the man who usually stood in for him when he had to leave Glandwr for any length of time.

  “We will be leaving for England within the next couple of days,” he told his valet when he had intended to say that they would be leaving within the hour. “Have my bags all ready to go, will you, Armstead, so that we may leave as soon as possible?”

  But by the time two days had passed and he was ready to go at last, Sydnam had realized that he could not even go straight to Bath and to Anne’s rescue. He had to go to London first.

  The weather had not improved during those two days. The muddy, slippery roads, their potholes often filled with water that made them look like village ponds, slowed his journey to London quite considerably. And even when he was finally there, he discovered that the wheels of officialdom moved with agonizing slowness.

  Three weeks had gone by since Anne had posted her letter before Sydnam, feeling decidedl
y nervous, presented himself at Miss Martin’s school on Daniel Street in the middle of one afternoon.

  An elderly porter opened the door, half recoiled at the sight of him and looked as if he were about to close it again, then appeared to notice that the visitor was dressed like a gentleman, and finally stood squarely in the doorway, squinting at him with undisguised suspicion and hostility, and asked what he could do for him.

  “I wish to speak with Miss Jewell,” Sydnam said. “I believe she is expecting me.”

  “She is teaching,” the porter told him, “and is not to be disturbed.”

  “Then I will wait until she has finished teaching,” Sydnam told him firmly. “Inform her that Sydnam Butler wishes to speak with her.”

  The porter pursed his lips, looked as if he would dearly like to shut the door in the visitor’s face, gentleman or no gentleman, then turned without a word and led the way to a visitors’ parlor on the left side of the hall, his boot heels squeaking the whole way. Sydnam was admitted to the room and shut firmly inside. He almost expected to hear a key turning in the lock.

  He stood in the middle of the room, noting both its neat refinement and its slight shabbiness and listening to the distant sounds of girls chanting something in unison, an occasional burst of laughter, and someone playing rather ploddingly on a pianoforte.

  He had no idea when classes ended for the day. And it might well be that the elderly porter would forget that he was here or deliberately neglect to tell Anne Jewell that she had a visitor.

  At some point he might have to sally forth in search of her.

  But the door opened again after he had been there for fifteen minutes or so, and a lady stepped inside. She looked vaguely familiar, and Sydnam assumed she was the famous-or infamous-Miss Martin herself. He had met her no more than a time or two while she was Freyja’s governess, but the story of how she had left Lindsey Hall, figuratively thumbing her nose at Bewcastle, was legend. His father had met her marching down a country road, carrying her heavy portmanteau, and had stopped his carriage and persuaded her to accept a ride to the nearest stagecoach stop.