The mention of Wayne’s name seems to open the cage of butterflies in my stomach. I turn to steal a glance, and realize he’s looking in my direction. His royal blue shirt enhances those kind eyes. I hope the sermon is on self-control, because I have none.
When it’s time for Pastor to deliver the message, he places his well-worn Bible on the wooden pulpit. “Have you ever tried to lead an activity with someone who doesn’t want to listen to directions? Our oldest is a student teacher in elementary school and he told us about a young man who decided to make a craft before hearing how to put it together. It was only after the boy finished he held up the mangled mess and asked if he did it right. Anyone relate?”
Heads nod and murmurs pop up across the sanctuary.
“That’s what today’s message is about. Trusting God with life’s directions.”
Those anxious butterflies spread from head to toe.
“The Book of Joshua starts off with instructions from God. Joshua needs to pay attention because the Israelites didn’t listen to Moses, and the people paid a hefty price. But this is a new generation, and they’re willing to obey. I’m sure there was fear, that they heard the stories from their ancestors. They had no proof they’d find the Promised Land in their lifetime.”
Was New York City my Promised Land? Not so long ago I thought so.
Pastor Reynolds opens his Bible. “And even if they made it, there were threats from other nations. If I were Joshua, my plan would have been to freeze. Because the past was scary, and so was the future.”
Oh, Joshua, I get you.
“But the leader acted in wisdom. He waited for God’s orders instead of trying to make it happen. The first order, don’t paralyze yourself. Joshua didn’t plant his feet in cement, and neither should we. Not knowing what’s ahead can cause us to stay put. Do nothing. Ignore His voice. Another command is one I’m guilty of, don’t presume. I’m always trying to second guess what God’s up to. I should wait and listen, but I’m usually asking Him and everyone else so many questions.”
I look over and see Mom scribbling away. Should I be taking notes?
“Let’s turn to Proverbs 16:9.” He waits a moment. “In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps. Here are the instructions. Don’t paralyze yourself. Don’t presume. Sarah went ahead of God’s plan and it didn’t go well for her. So, what to do? Pray. I don’t mean a quick, ‘Help!’ I am challenging all of us to seek Him with everything you’ve got. Fast. Talk to Him in the car. The shower. In private moments at home. But know He hears us. And He cares.”
Suddenly, I feel like those butterflies are tamed and back in the cage.
I don’t hear the rest of the message. I never thought about God caring what happens next with me. I’ve been too busy asking and pushing my way into my future. When Pastor asks if anyone wants to pray, I kneel right where I am.
“Lord, I’ve been more like the Israelites Moses was leading, and I want to be Joshua. Help me seek You more than the approval of others. Forgive me for wandering in circles.”
When I rise a few minutes later, I notice the altar is full of praying people. Even Kyle Swarthmore is up front with Pastor Reynolds. I’m the only one in the pew. But Wayne is heading my way.
His smile is nearly my undoing. “Hi, Trish. Good message, right?”
“It was just what I needed to hear. Wayne, I don’t know what God’s plan for me is. But I’m ready to let Him show me.”
His beam warms me from head to toe. “Have you heard from the Chamber?”
Our hands touch on the pew, and a surge of electricity courses up my spine. “No. I haven’t heard from anyone. Both Ed and Aiden said no matter what the answer was, it would take a couple weeks.”
He nods and inches his hand closer to mine. “Did you want to pray together?”
“I’d love that.”
Wayne laces his fingers with mine. “God, we look to You as the author and finisher of all things, including Trish’s future. You know what’s best for her. You know I love her. Help her, help us trust You to make our paths straight. We thank You in advance, and it’s for Your glory. Amen.”
I don’t let go. “Amen.”
He swings our hands. “So, do you have plans for this afternoon?”
Chapter Twenty-Seven
Wayne takes a sip of his ice water and pushes the Jack Frosty’s menu to the side. “I’ve missed you, Trish. I want to work this out.”
I recall part of the sermon. Remember God orders our steps. He knows. “I do, too. We have to trust God through the job and relationship process. I worked with Jenna on a list about each job, and I think something about New York City came to light that I didn’t realize before.”
He pales. “I’m starting to hate the words ‘New York City.’”
“I understand, but it isn’t what you think. Jenna and I wrote things out and an aspect of the job with Aiden is that I get a second chance. I went there thinking I was going to change the world and show everyone in Speculator Falls. Instead, I returned here humiliated with a lot of apologies to make. I was certain my life was going to be glamorous and metropolitan, filled with event planning. I guess I want to hear a ‘yes’ from them so I won’t feel like I was wrong.”
Wayne clears his throat. “How far do you have to carry that need to feel fulfilled by a dream that was crushed? Will Aiden offering the job officially be enough? Do you need to rent an overpriced, rat- infested apartment before you feel redeemed? That’s what I don’t understand.”
I nod, because he’s not wrong. “I’m hoping the call will be enough.”
“And if it isn’t?”
“We always said we’d be honest. The other revelation I had is the window display job. If the Greater Adirondack Chamber board feels I’m a good fit for their support, I’d still have to raise my own funding. They would promote me across the Adirondacks, make businesses aware I’m there to help them, but I’d have to have resources ready for each job.”
He plays with the menu until our waitress takes the order. “You’d be like a missionary.”
I furrow my brow. “In what way?”
“They have to raise their budget. You also would be traveling a lot, but it still would be within the Adirondacks. You could be based in Speculator Falls.”
My thoughts drift to a future where Wayne and I are married. Living in the same home. Raising Noah. Even if the job is unstable, my overall life as I dream it feels secure.
Wayne’s snapping fingers bring me back to reality. “Trish. You okay? Did you hear what I just said?”
Our food arrives, and I try to recall his words. “I’m sorry, I was daydreaming.”
The crease in his forehead tightens. “I know you’re afraid of starting a job from nothing. But you wouldn’t be alone. We would be a family.”
My sigh could fill a bunch of balloons. “And if I moved to The Big Apple, I would be on my own.”
Wayne picks up his fork. “You’re making it seem like a threat. By your own words you’ve said all New York is to you is validation. We love each other. We want to be together. I don’t get why this is so hard.”
Suddenly, I’m not hungry, and I’m forgetting the sermon. “I don’t want to fail.”
His reply is a hoarse whisper. “Again.”
The hair rises on the back of my neck. “What did you say?”
Wayne puts the fork down. “I corrected you. You’re afraid of failing again.”
I grab my purse and stand. “How could you say such a thing?”
“Trish, sit down. Let me explain.”
I choke out the words. “What? All the ways I’m a failure? I’m sorry, I can’t do this.” I turn and march out the door, passing Jill, who is on her way in. “Go ahead, you can have him.”
.***
Two days later, I’m still grieving about the way things ended with Wayne as I drive to Schroon Lake. The more Wayne and I try to make our relationship work, the wider the chasm between us. My fifty mile commute north
helps me clear my mind and pray as I prepare to create displays for the rural businesses.
“Father God, I’m confused and hurting. I don’t understand why You would give Wayne and me such powerful feelings for each other when we can’t seem to agree. I don’t want him or Noah to have regrets, but this aches. Help me know what to do. Give me this time away from home to hear from You. Let praise and trust flow from me. Even if it doesn’t work out the way I want. Amen.”
I repeat similar prayers throughout my time at the credit union where I set up for a customized display. The wire roll I unpack reminds me of fishing line and my ice excursion with Wayne. I brush away fresh tears when a woman calls my name.
I drop the cable and turn. “Meg Anderson? What are you doing here?”
Jenna’s younger sister stops in front of me. Her multi colored leggings enliven the drab foyer I hope to transform. “I go where the teaching jobs are. This one should take me to the end of the school year. I’m taking the place of a middle school Science teacher on maternity leave.”
Pushing past a cramp in my leg, I rise and face her. “That’s great. Maybe it will help you find something more permanent.”
She shrugs. “Steady employment in this field is harder to come by than in Ohio. Kyle offered to float my resume around New Jersey, but I don’t know. I really like this area, and with Jenna’s baby, I don’t want to move.”
Meg’s eyes sparkle as she mentions Kyle, and Jenna’s bundle of joy.
“Sounds like you and Kyle are going strong.” Another pang rocks my heart.
She tucks a piece of hair behind her ear. “We’re taking it a day at a time. He’s not the guy you all know. He’s changed.”
I remember seeing him at the altar, definitely something I’d never seen before. “That’s great. How does Jenna feel about it?”
Meg rolls her eyes. “She’s protective. And hormonal. If Jenna could lock me up in the spare room, she’d do it.” Meg sobers, and clears her throat. “How about you? I haven’t seen you and Wayne sitting together at church for quite some time.”
I wish the floor would open up and take me to some secret vault where I could hide. “Yeah. We’re kind of at an impasse. I’m not sure it’s going to work out.”
She reaches for my arm. “Trish, I’m sorry. You two looked so happy. I hope things change for the better. Well, I should get in line before they close. Good to see you.”
Meg gives my arm a squeeze, waves, and trots off to the teller line. Hard to believe the college grad from Ohio who threw herself at Will Marshall last year was serious about Kyle. Before I have a chance to process it, my phone rings.
The ID comes up Aiden Parker.
Chapter Twenty-Eight
I stare at the screen for a few rings, as I try to calm my heart rate. What if Aiden offers the job? What do I say? What if he doesn’t? Will I be relieved? I breathe in and exhale with a silent prayer. Lord, I place my trust in You. I’m done leaning on my own understanding. I know you will direct my steps. Amen.
Peace wraps around me like a favorite blanket. “Hello, Aiden.”
“Trish. I wanted to apologize for taking so long to get back to you. There’s a lot going on, but I’m finally able to share where things are with my team and the hiring process.”
Here we go.
My voice has a slight shakiness to it. “What’s going on?”
“As I had mentioned early on, my desire to have you on board was unofficial. I wasn’t promised much beyond building the team. I was denied the opportunity to hire the co-lead position until next year. Your interview was for the position of team event associate.”
I tap my foot at the same speed I would if I’d drank ten energy drinks. “Right. Just spill it, whatever it is.”
A sigh from the other end greets me. “My boss thought your interview was strong, but he had someone in mind the entire time. He outranks me, so his niece is getting the position. I’m sorry. I believe there will be more openings very soon, and I’d like to consider you for one of them.”
I freeze. New York City isn’t the place for me. The revelation falls on me like a beautiful, gentle rain. I didn’t need that job for redemption. I didn’t get it as confirmation.
“Aiden, it’s fine. I appreciate you taking the time to interview me. You can shred the resume.”
He clears his throat. “Are you sure? Just because it’s a no today doesn’t mean it always will be.”
The more peace I feel, the bigger my grin grows. The knots in my shoulder disappear. “I’m sure. I’m meant to stay in the Adirondacks.”
And God willing, find my way back into Wayne’s arms and future.
.***
Once I complete the Schroon Lake storefronts on Friday and add the work to my growing portfolio, I call Ed Sterling to see if they have any news concerning my position within the Greater Adirondack Chamber.
The administrative assistant’s tone sounds like a deflating balloon. “I’m so sorry, you just missed him. He’s not only gone for the day, he starts a two week vacation. I’ll make sure he returns your call as soon as he’s back.”
Ugh. Hurry up and wait seems to be the theme for me.
By Saturday, my life’s pace feels at a standstill, even with the peace I have about not getting the job with Aiden. With winter weather behind us in Speculator Falls, business should be picking up at the department store, but it’s not very busy.
Of course, that’s when Shirley McIlwain enters.
She doesn’t even browse and pick up items like the last time. She marches right up to the counter and slams her purse down. “What’s this I hear about you interviewing for a job in New York?”
The temperature in the room feels like it is rising to a volcanic level as beads of sweat form on my forehead and palms.
Shirley doesn’t give me a moment to explain. “You’ve been down that road before. It didn’t work. Remember?”
I open my mouth, but her narrow gaze paralyzes me.
“Trish Maxwell, you’re an asset to this community. You belong in Speculator Falls. You always did. Get that through that beautiful head of yours.”
Wait. What?
My temperature cools and I feel comfortable as I smile. “Shirley, that’s the nicest thing you’ve ever said to me. Thank you.”
She swats her hand as if she were hitting a fly. “Well, it’s true.”
I take the bold step to reach for her hand and squeeze it. “I didn’t get the job. I think deep down I never wanted it. I wanted to feel like they needed me after they let me go. I love it here. I don’t want to go.”
Her grin widens. “Good for you. So, what’s next? Taking over this store when your parents retire?”
My laugh echoes throughout the aisles. “No. When Dad’s home full-time, I suspect Mom will be anxious to put more hours in here. I’ll help out as they need me, but I believe I know the direction God’s given me. I’m meant to be in the Adirondacks.”
“Praise God. How does your paramedic feel about it?”
Just hearing about Wayne is a blow. “We aren’t together.”
Shirley rolls her eyes. “That’s ridiculous. I watched Ben and Jenna battle back and forth before they finally got together. Life’s too short. The man is in love with you, and I can see by the goofy look on your face that you feel the same. Go get him, Trish. What do you have to lose?”
“I hope to see him over the weekend.”
Shirley nods. “See that you do. He’s a keeper.” She turns. “Now, I need a candle. Help me find something flowery that isn’t going to make me gag.”
Yes, Ma’am.
.***
After church, I maneuver through the crowds with a repetitive “Excuse me,” heading to the lobby in an effort to find Wayne. He darts out of the sanctuary and heads down the hall. Shirley’s encouragement re-plays through my mind, and the sermon on bold faith gives me courage.
He’s at a jogging pace as he moves toward the kitchen.
My high heels aren’t going to
let me reach him unless he slows down. “Wayne! Wait up.”
Wayne turns, we lock eyes, and he stops. “Hey.”
My bravery dissipates like fog on a summer morning. “Can we talk?”
There’s no smile. His ocean blue eyes hold no sparkle. “Didn’t we try that last week? It didn’t end well.”
I nod. “I know, and I’m sorry. I jumped to conclusions. I’ve been praying a lot and…”
He reaches for my elbow, sending a rush of electricity through my veins. “How about we move this somewhere more private. The kitchen should be free for ten more minutes.”
He guides me inside the kitchen to the stainless steel counter. “You said you were praying.”
My words spill out. “Wayne, you were right about not needing to pursue the job in New York City. I had to find out on my own. God showed me not receiving the offer was His confirmation. I belong here. Not there.”
He places his hand on my shoulder. “That’s great. God gave you direction you were seeking.”
I take a step closer. “Now that I have it, you were the first I wanted to tell. We made it over that relationship hurdle. We can move forward and plan our future.”
Wayne falls back a couple paces, sending my heart into a freefall. “Trish, when you insisted on going to Binghamton, I supported you even though I didn’t agree. Then you were determined to interview in Manhattan, despite my misgivings. I felt you tossed my feelings aside. When we tried to talk it through after you returned, you bolted at the first sign of miscommunication.”
The pit in my stomach evolves into an abyss. “I know. I messed up. I apologize.”
“I forgive you. But…”
My hands shake in tandem with my voice. “Don’t. Wayne, please.”
He continues his retreat. “A successful relationship takes two people constantly working on unity. That’s not us. Your journey might have helped you know what career path to pursue, but your methods pushed me completely out of the picture. Your actions separate us. I think it’s best we make it permanent.”
Engaged: Surrendering the Future (Surrendering Time Book 3) Page 14