“Phew.”
He relaxed again, the colour returning to his cheeks in a sudden rush. For a couple of minutes, they lay there together, staring up at the ceiling in silence. She had been with plenty of men before. When you grow up living in a compound, where people ritually got naked, things happen. Normally in the forest. She couldn’t remember doing this though. Just lying. Thinking.
“So, you never knew your father?” Michael broke her thoughts for the second time in as many minutes. He rolled over onto his side to face her. “Not at all?”
“I don’t even know who he is. She has a couple of ideas. A few men she thinks it could be.”
Once again, his face paled. He was like a traffic light system, she thought, but with just two colours. Red and white. She found herself chuckling. The men in the pack were so damn cocksure, with an air of superiority that often didn’t live up to the promise. Lying here with him, like this, was different. Refreshing.
“So, is that it? Is that the worst thing about being a wolf?”
“Oh, not even close.”
This time, his expression was one of genuine concern, a thick crease between his eyebrows.
“I’m sorry,” he said. “Whatever it is. Whatever you had to go through. I’m sorry.”
Such simple words. Such a simple sentiment, and yet no one in the pack had ever said that to her. Not that they knew all the details. No one except her mother and Whipper knew those. But they knew enough and even Chrissy hadn’t managed to say the words. When Freya had returned from that trip, mute from all that she had seen and done, Chrissy had come and taken her by the hand and led her to her bathroom, where she had wiped the remaining blood stains from her hands and mouth. But she hadn’t said she was sorry. After all, it had to be done. For the good of the pack.
“Do you want to get out of here?” Freya asked, slipping from under his arms and onto the floor where she picked up her jeans. “I was meant to show you around. Come on. Time to see some of the good bits of being a wolf.”
“To be honest, I think I’d rather see the good bits you’ve already shown me again.” And at that she stopped, kicked her jeans from around her ankles, and leapt back onto the bed.
Chapter Nine
Freya
Only when they finally stepped outside, and saw the sky in all its shades of purple and pink, did she realise evening was already upon them.
“I guess time flies when you’re having fun.” He grinned at her and butterflies swarmed in her stomach. A strange sensation was tingling through her fingers, giving her the urge to reach over and wrap them around his. To hold hands. Rejecting such sentimentality, she shoved her hands deep into her pockets. She didn’t do holding hands.
“So, what are you going to show me?” Michael asked. He was keeping a two-foot distance from her, as if that would disguise the fact that they had spent the last few hours writhing around naked in his bed. “There were some buildings I noticed on the way in. Large ones. I was wondering what they were for.”
“Actually, I thought we could go for a walk.”
“A walk?”
“It’s a pretty special night.”
This was the first time she could remember not spending the full moon as a wolf. Of course, there were several hours to go and, hopefully, she could get in a bit of a run later. Several members of the pack were already out, getting prepared, others still inside, probably eating family meals, before leaving the children for the night.
“So, is this a big event?” he asked, as they walked. “I thought I read somewhere that the moon isn’t actually significant.”
“The moon has nothing to do with us turning. That doesn’t mean it isn’t significant.”
“So it is?”
“Well, according to the stories, the first time Eve—the first werewolf—turned, was under a full moon. Of course, according to those stories, Eve was also in a dungeon the first time she turned, so how she would have even known it was a full moon, I have no idea. You have to try not to analyse these myths too much, or they tend to fall apart.”
“Sounds familiar.”
Evening birdsong filled the air and dappled clouds were sweeping across the sky in shades of burnt umber and magenta. For some reason, even with these clouds, the moon seemed brighter than usual.
“So where are we heading now?” he asked.
“Depends how fast you walk. There’s a clearing a couple of miles in. If we don’t get that far, there are a couple of other places on route. We need to be off the tracks by the time the wolves start running.”
After brief consideration, she picked a path that stayed completely clear of their main routes. She knew what it could be like, how easy it was to get swept away with the fever of the pack, when they were racing under a full moon. The last thing she wanted was for him to get flattened, when he was supposed to be under her watch.
For the first part of the walk, he was quiet, visibly concentrating on his feet as he stepped over tree roots and around undergrowth. Enjoying the silence of his company, she led on, deeper and deeper into the forest. Above them, the clouds began to disperse and the moon grew brighter and brighter in its fullness.
“Thank you,” Michael started up the conversation again, as he strode over a small stream.
“For what?”
“For this. For showing me what it’s like to be part of the pack.”
“That was my job, remember. What I was told to do.”
“Still, thank you.” He walked for a few moments longer before he spoke again. “I know you said you sometimes have people coming to the compound, but I assume you go out too? The cars looked new. You must need to get supplies in.”
“We do. People leave for things. Spend some time in the city too.”
“And you? What about you? Do you ever leave?”
Her stomach sank. It hadn’t taken long for reality to kick back in. For the realisation that this romantic, moonlit stroll was as far from her reality as she was ever going to get. How could she explain to him? She couldn’t. That was the truth of the matter. The way he had looked at her that afternoon. He would never look at her like that again, not if he knew. Fighting down the anger that was building inside her, she upped her pace.
“Freya, don’t do that,” he said, stumbling over tangles of roots and broken branches, as he tried to keep up.
“Do what?”
“You can talk to me.”
“No, I can’t.”
“I get it. It’s because you’re meant to be the Alpha, right? You think you’re not good enough. We all feel like that sometimes. Everyone feels like they don’t fit in, now and then.”
“Sorry?”
“I mean, whatever it is you don’t feel you can tell anyone. You can tell me - anything.”
Stopping in her tracks, she twisted around and looked him square in the eye.
“You think that just because we spent a couple of hours screwing, you know me? You think that because you’re happy to share about your freakish family upbringing, I should do the same? You don’t know anything about me. And trust me, that’s the way it’s going to stay.”
* * *
Michael
* * *
Given how quickly the mood had changed, it took him a moment to catch up as he suddenly realised that his guide, and the only one who had any idea where the hell he was in the middle of this forest, was marching off into the distance.
“Freya.” He tripped and stumbled on more undergrowth, as he struggled to catch up with her. “Freya, wait! Look, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to offend you.”
Her silhouette continued to get smaller in the distance. If he lost sight of her, he’d had it.
“Please, slow down. Please, I’m sorry. I really am sorry.”
By normal Blackwatch training standards, he was pretty fit. Compared to Freya, however, he was seriously lacking. Four minutes of trying to follow her through the maze of trees, and he was struggling. He’d caught his trousers so many times, the hems were
trailing. And the humidity, combined with all the mosquitos and other bugs, was causing him to sweat and blink at a rate that was bound to see him go flying any second.
“Please! Wait!”
Finally, she slowed her pace, before drawing to a stop and turning around.
“I know that maybe I blurred the lines a bit earlier, but you’re here to ask questions about the pack. Not ask stuff about me, personally. Is that clear?” She spat every word at him.
“I’m sorry. I am. It just didn’t make sense to me, that’s all. You come across as so fearless, so smart. I…” Her glare had failed to soften by even a fraction. “I’ll just stop talking now.”
Clamping his mouth closed, he waited for her reply. If he’d learned anything about her in the last twelve hours, it was that she wasn’t going to give away anything about herself that she didn’t want to. He had pushed things too far.
“I’ll only ask questions about the pack from now on,’ he assured her. “General stuff. Is that fair?”
“Fine, but if I don’t like something you ask, I’m not answering it.”
“I understand.”
Moving forward, and substantially surer footed than he had been when attempting to run, he struggled to think of a suitably-safe question to break the silence. There had been a couple more things he’d wanted to ask, but they both felt a bit too close to the previous topic to risk. So, for the time being, he decided it was better just to walk in silence.
Country living had never been something that particularly appealed to him. It was too inconvenient. Living in London, for as long as he had, he couldn’t even imagine not having everything he wanted on his doorstep. When this trip was over, there would probably be a couple of weeks of write ups and presentations before he was sent on his next placement. Of course, there was the chance he could be reassigned to somewhere in the sticks. There were a few vampires in Cornwall, not to mention a whole load of them in North Wales, but most of Blackwatch’s work was in the cities. Vampires needed humans, after all. The only real chance you had of ending up in the middle of nowhere, was if you wanted to go there, which he didn’t, or if you messed up big time, which he didn’t plan on doing. Even so, this place had more appeal than he’d expected. The birdsong was so much clearer and more varied than he’d ever experienced in London. Spring had passed and they were well into summer and the whole of the forest floor was alive with colour. And he was seeing just a small fraction, of course. He couldn’t imagine what it would be like for the wolves, who knew every inch of it, and with their sensibilities.
“Do you eat as a wolf?” he asked, finally hitting on a question that he was pretty sure had no personal implications. “I mean, I know you eat as a human, but can you eat as a wolf too?”
She didn’t even bother to break her stride, or look at him, as she started to answer.
“We can eat as a wolf, but when we change back our digestive system changes with us.”
“What does that mean?”
“It means that when we eat a piece of chicken as a human and change into a wolf it’s not a problem, because a wolf’s stomach is designed to eat stuff like that. But the other way round and you, say, eat a whole rabbit, fur and bones and all, when you’re a wolf, and then change back to a human… well it ain’t going to be particularly pleasant for you. We’ve developed stronger digestive systems than the average person, obviously, but it’s still not something I’d recommend doing too often.”
“So, you don’t eat as a wolf then?”
“Not unless we’re spending most of our time as a wolf, for some reason - living as one.”
“And you do that sometimes? I mean werewolves in general. Other werewolves. I wasn’t trying to ask about you in particular.”
Her face softened.
“Some wolves do. We have a few members of the pack who prefer to spend the majority of their time out here as wolves. They live in these forests almost permanently and only come back when the Alpha tells them they have to. I’ve done a couple of months, here and there, when I first turned. The more you stay as a wolf, the better you get at it. Like blocking others out. That’s when I learned to do it.”
Given that she had been the one to shift back to the personal, he was starting to feel a little more confident in this line of questioning.
“How does that work? The voices in your head. How do you hear them?”
“At first, it’s complete chaos. After the ceremony… well, I can’t even start to explain how horrendous it is. Everyone is instructed not to change for the first couple of weeks. It gives the new wolves time to adapt in peace. To learn about themselves. To talk amongst themselves Then the Alpha and some of the others gradually turn back. It’s another reason ceremonies don’t take place every year. It’s time consuming and a lot of pressure on the pack.”
They had slowed to a pace little more than a gentle stroll.
“So, the Alpha, she’s always there in your head? How do you hear her if everyone else is talking too?”
“Oh you hear her all right. Unless she doesn’t want you to. She can make any conversations she wants private.”
“Like the betas too, I assume?”
“Mostly.”
A slight smirk flickered on her lips and he got the impression that there was far more to that single word than it gave away. Still, he skipped over that and kept the conversation on track.
“I imagine it’s a bit like being in a canteen. Do you know what a canteen is?” He remembered that she’d never been away from home before. ‘It’s a massive eating hall. They have them in schools and factories and places. They’re always full of people and noise.”
“I know what a canteen is, dumbass,” she said, slapping him on the shoulder. “I’ve never thought of it like that before though, but I guess you’re right. You just have to find the people you want to talk to and block out everything else that’s going on around you.”
“But you can’t ignore everyone, right? Isn’t that the whole point?”
“Sort of. I mean, it depends how good you are at it. I don’t have to listen to all the rubbish anymore, just my mother. And the betas too, like you said,” she added, as an afterthought.
They were getting close to being personal again, and he did not want to land himself back her bad books. But, at the same time, she had been the one hovering around the topic for the last few minutes. It seemed like the right moment to ask.
“What’s it like, when she orders you? When you have to do the things she tells you to?’
Freya stopped walking again. Sighing, she leaned against a tree trunk.
“I can’t imagine it any other way. It’s just how it is. Think of it like a megaphone going off in your mind. It consumes you. You don’t want to focus on anything else. You can’t focus on anything else.”
“What about now. It can’t be that strong, while she’s not here?”
“When you’re far away from her, you still know when she’s contacting you. It’s not clear enough to pick up the details, but you can feel it. You can sense what she’s telling you. That properly sounds ridiculous. I know it must.”
“No, I understand. At least I think I do.”
Her eyes were gazing out into the forest and Michael found himself consumed with the urge to tilt her head towards him and kiss her again. As if reading his thoughts, she shifted her position. Heart pounding, he stepped forward, only to be startled back again.
The howl that pierced the night air, was unlike anything he had ever heard before. Loud and sonorous, it sang out into the sky. Every bird took flight. Even the grass at his feet seemed to ripple in response. The sound had barely started to fade, when the next one started, and then the next and the next. Soon the whole forest was alive, reverberating in a way that caused every hair on his body to rise up. He looked for signs of life in the darkness, as the wind billowed around him, sending a cloud of leaves spiralling up and into the air. With the world singing, he lost himself in the music. How long passed, he couldn’
t have said but, when the howling finally faded, the air felt warm around him.
“Wow”
Beside him Freya nodded wordlessly. She had transformed, not into a wolf, but into something almost ethereal, as if she were glowing from the inside. “You know that’s the first time I’ve heard it like that, since I was a kid. I’d forgotten what it sounded like.”
He was caught in her wistful look. The way her eyes seemed lost in the past. Then, in an instant, the look and the glow were gone.
“You must be the first outsider to have heard that from inside the forest in over a hundred years,” she said.
“Thank you,” he replied, although the words didn’t seem strong enough for what he had just experienced. “Thank you for showing me this. For sharing it with me.”
In that moment, something shifted. Something that made him feel like his world was never going to be the same again. This time he took the lead. Stepping forward, he slipped his hands around her waist, pulled her in and kissed her like he’d never kissed anyone before.
Chapter Ten
Michael
He couldn’t sleep. Somehow, the night managed to be too quiet and too noisy at the same time. Crickets, toads and owls and all the sounds that weren’t normal for night-time in the city, pervaded his senses. Besides, he wanted to make this last. To remember her like this, asleep and at peace, her face displaying none of the worry that was normally etched there; her mind no longer filled with whatever burdens it usually carried. Lifting his hand, he drew a fingertip across her temples. He hadn’t actually fallen for her, had he? he asked himself, as a squirming sensation twisted in his stomach. He couldn’t have. He had spent less than a day with her. And she was a werewolf. The exact thing he had come to study. Maybe that was the reason his head was so filled with her, watching her sleep like a weird stalker.
From outside, came another howl. Some of them were still out, enjoying the last pale light of the full moon. Closing his eyes, he sank back down onto the pillow next to her. Hopefully, Jessop was getting more of the factual stuff they needed. He didn’t feel his remaining days here were going to be as productive as he had planned.
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