Tara Road

by Maeve Binchy

  He looked embarrassed. 'A man can't be beautiful, sweetheart,' he said awkwardly.

  'Yes indeed he can, and you are.' She reached out and touched his hand. Danny looked around. 'It's all right, we're allowed to hold hands, we're married. Now that couple over there, they're the ones who shouldn't be caught.' She laughed over at a couple where the older man was being very playful with his much younger companion.

  'Ria?' Danny said.

  'Listen, let me speak first. I'm delighted your dinner was cancelled tonight, delighted. I wanted you on your own without half the country being in our kitchen and all joining in.'

  'But that's what you like,' he said.

  'Yes, it's what I like a lot of the time but not tonight. I wanted to talk to you. We don't have time to talk these days, no time to do anything, not even make love.'

  'Ria!'

  'I know. I'm not blaming either of us, it just happens, but what I wanted to tell you was this… and I needed time and space to tell you… what I wanted to say was…' She stopped suddenly, unsure how to go on. Danny was looking at her, confused. 'You know how I said you look young, I mean it. You are young, you are like a boy, you could pass for someone in his twenties. You're just like you looked when Annie was a baby, with your hair falling into your eyes, unable to believe that you could be a father. You have that look in your eyes.'

  'What are you saying? What in God's name are you saying?'

  'I'm saying that honestly, Danny, I can see these things. It's time for another baby. Another start of a life. You're more sure and comfortable now, you want to see another son or daughter grow up.' A waiter approached them with plates of figs and Parma ham, but something about the way they sat facing each other made him veer away. These were cold starters, they could wait a little. 'It's time for you to have another child, to be a father again. I'm not thinking of myself only but of you, that's all I'm saying,' Ria said, smiling at the strange shocked look on Danny's face.

  'Why are you saying it like this?' His voice was barely above a whisper. His face was snow-white. Surely he couldn't find it such a staggering idea. On and off she had been saying this over the years.

  Only this time she had phrased it in terms of fatherhood rather than her own need or their joint life with a new baby.

  'Danny, let me explain…'

  'I don't believe you're saying this. Why? Why this way?'

  'But I'm just saying that it's the right time. That's all. I'm thinking of you and your future, your life.'

  'But you're so calm… this isn't happening.' He shook his head as if to clear it.

  'Well of course, I want it too, you know that, but I swear I'm thinking of you. A baby is what you need just now. It will put things into perspective, you won't be rushing and fussing about developments and market share and everything, not with a new baby.'

  'How long have you known?' he asked.

  It was an odd question. 'Well, I suppose I've always known that with the other two grown-up almost the day would come.'

  'They'll always be special, nothing would change that.' His voice was choked.

  'Well don't I know that, for heaven's sake, this would be different, not better.' Ria sat back from her position hunched up and leaning over the table. The waiter seized the opportunity and slid in their plates without any comment. Ria picked up her fork but Danny didn't move.

  'I can't understand why you're so calm, so bloody calm,' he said. His voice trembled, he could hardly speak.

  Ria looked at her husband in astonishment. 'I'm not very calm, Danny my darling, I'm telling you I think it's time we had another baby and you seem to agree… so I'm very excited.'

  'You're telling me what?'

  'Danny, keep your voice down. We don't want the whole restaurant to know.' She was a little alarmed by his face.

  'Oh my God,' he said. 'Oh God, I don't believe it.'

  'What is it?' Now her alarm was very real. He had his head in his hands. 'Danny, what is it? Please? Stop making that sound, please.'

  'You said you understood. You said you'd been thinking about my future and my life. And now you say that you want another baby! That you do, that's what you were talking about.' He looked anguished.

  Ria was going to say that the way it normally happened was that the woman had the baby but something stopped her. In a voice that came from very far away she heard herself ask the question that she knew was going to change her life. 'What exactly were you talking about, Danny?'

  'I thought you had found out and for a mad moment I thought you were going along with it.'

  'What?' Her voice, impossibly, was steady.

  'You know, Ria, you must know that I'm seeing someone, and well, we've just discovered she's pregnant. I am going to be a father again. She's going to have a baby and we are very happy about it. I was going to tell you next weekend. I thought suddenly that you must have known.'

  The noise in the restaurant changed. People's cutlery started to clatter more and bang loudly off people's plates. Glasses tinkled and seemed about to smash. Voices came and went in a type of roar. The sound of laughter from the tables was very raucous. She could hear his voice from a long way off. 'Ria. Listen to me, Ree-ah.' She can't have said anything. 'I wouldn't have had this happen for the world, it wasn't part of any plan. I wanted us to be… I didn't go looking for something like this…'

  He looked boyish all right, helplessly boyish. This was too much to cope with. It wasn't fair that she should have to cope with something like this. 'Tell me it's not true,' she said.

  'You know it's true, Ria sweetheart. You know we haven't been getting on, you know there's nothing there any more.'

  'I don't believe it. I won't believe it.'

  'I didn't think it would happen either, I thought we'd grow old together, like people did.'

  'And indeed like people do,' she said.

  'Yes, some do. But we're different people, we're not the same people who married all those years ago. We have different needs.'

  'How old is she?'

  'Ria, this has nothing to do with…'

  'How old?'

  'Twenty-two, not that it matters… or has anything to do with anything.'

  'Of course not,' she said dully.

  'I was going to tell you, maybe it's better that it's out now.' There was a silence. 'We have to talk about it, Ria.' Still she said nothing. 'Aren't you going to say anything, anything at all?' he begged.

  'Seven years older than your daughter.'

  'Sweetheart, can I tell you this has nothing to do with age.'

  'No?'

  'I don't want to hurt you.' Silence. 'Any more than I already have hurt you and honestly I was wondering could we be the only two people in the whole world who'd do it right? Could we manage to be the couple who actually don't tear each other to pieces…?'

  'What?'

  'We love Annie and we love Brian. This is going to be hell for them. We won't make it a worse hell, tell me we won't.'

  'Pardon?'

  'What?'

  'I said, I beg your pardon. What am I to tell you? I didn't understand.'

  'Sweetheart.'

  Ria stood up. She was trembling and had to hold the table to keep upright. She spoke in a very low carrying voice. 'If you ever… if ever in your life you call me sweetheart again I will take a fork in my hand, just like this one, and I will stick it into your eye.' She walked unsteadily towards the door of the restaurant while Danny stood helplessly at the table watching her go. But her legs felt weak, and she began to sway. She wasn't going to make the door after all. Colm Barry put down two plates hastily and moved towards her. He caught her just as she fell and moving swiftly he pulled her into the kitchen.

  Danny had followed them in and watched, standing uncertainly as Ria's face and wrists were sponged with cold water by Caroline.

  'Are you part of the problem, Danny? Is this about you?' Colm asked.

  'Yes, in a way.'

  'Then perhaps you should leave.' Colm was perfectly courteous
but firm.

  'What do you mean…?'

  'I'll take her home. When she's ready and if she wants to go, that is.'

  'Where else would she go?'

  'Please, Danny.' Colm's voice was firm. This was his kitchen, his territory.

  Danny left. He let himself into the house with his front-door key. In the kitchen Danny's mother-in-law, her dog and the two children were watching television. He paused in the hall for a minute considering what explanation to make. But this was Ria's choice, not his, how to tell and what to tell. Quietly he moved up the stairs. He stood in the bedroom, uncertain again. After all, she might not want him here when she returned. But suppose he went elsewhere? Might not this be another blow? He wrote a letter and left it on her pillow.

  Ria, I am ready to talk whenever you are. I didn't think you'd want me here so I've taken a duvet to the study. Wake me any time. Believe me I'm more sorry about all this than you'll ever know. You will always be very, very dear to me and I want the best for you.

  Danny

  He reached for the phone and made the first of two calls.

  'Hallo Caroline, it's Danny Lynch. Can I speak to Colm?'

  'I’ll see.'

  'Well, can you ask him to tell her that I've said nothing to the children and I'm in the study at home. Not the bedroom, the study, if she wants to talk to me. Thank you, Caroline.'

  Then he dialled another number. 'Hallo, sweetheart, it's me… Yes I told her… Not great… Yes, of course about the baby… I don't know… No, she's not here… No, I can't come over, I have to wait for her to get back… Sweetheart, if you think I'm going to change my mind now… I love you too, honey.'

  In the kitchen of Colm's restaurant the business of preparing and serving food went on around them. Colm Barry gave Ria a small brandy. She sipped it slowly, her face blank. He asked her nothing about what had happened.

  'I should go,' she said from time to time.

  'No hurry,' Colm said.

  Eventually she said it with more determination. 'The children will worry,' she said.

  'I’ll get your coat.'

  They walked from the restaurant in silence. At the gate of the house she stopped and looked at him. 'It's like as if it's happening to other people,' Ria said. 'Not to me at all.'

  'I know.'

  'Do you, Colm?'

  'Yes, it's to cushion the shock or something. We think first that it's all happening to someone else.'

  'And then?'

  'I suppose then we realise it's not,' he said.

  'That's what I thought,' Ria said.

  They could have been talking about the vegetables or when to spray the fruit trees. There was no hug of solidarity or even a word of goodbye. Colm went back to his restaurant, and Ria went into her home.

  She sat down in the kitchen. The table had crumbs and some apple cores in a dish. A carton of milk had been left out of the fridge. There were newspapers and magazines on the chairs. Ria saw everything very clearly, but not from where she was sitting. It was as if she were way up in the sky and looking down. She saw herself, a tiny figure sitting down there in this untidy kitchen in the dark house while everyone else slept. She watched as the old clock chimed hour after hour. She didn't think about what to do now. It was as if it hadn't sunk in that it was happening to her.

  'Mam, it's the drill display today,' Annie said.

  'Is it?'

  'Where's breakfast, Mam?'

  'I don't know.'

  'Oh Mam, not today. I need a white shirt, there isn't one ironed.'

  'No?'

  'Where were you, were you at the shops?'

  'Why?'

  'You're in your coat. I could iron it myself, I suppose.'

  'Yes.'

  'Has Dad gone yet?'

  'I don't know, is his car there?'

  'Hey Mam, why isn't there any breakfast?' Brian wanted to know.

  Annie turned on him. 'Don't be such a pig, Brian. Are you too drunk to get your own breakfast for once?'

  'I'm not drunk.'

  'You were yesterday, you stank of drink.' They looked at Ria, waiting for her to stop the fight. She said nothing. 'Put on the kettle, Brian, you big useless lump,' Annie said.

  'You're just sucking up to Mam because you want her to do something, make you sandwiches, drive you somewhere, iron something. You're never nice to Mam.'

  'I am nice to her. Aren't I nice to you, Mam?'

  'What?' Ria asked.

  'Aw here, where's the iron?' Annie said in desperation.

  'Why have you your coat on, Mam?' Brian asked.

  'Get the cornflakes and shut up, Brian,' Annie said. Ria didn't have any tea or coffee. 'She had some before she went out,' Annie explained.

  'Where did she go?' Brian, struggling with cutting the bread, seemed puzzled.

  'She doesn't have to account to you for her movements,' Annie said. Her voice sounded very far away.

  "Bye Mam.'

  'What?'

  'I said, goodbye Mam.' Brian looked at Annie for reassurance.

  'Oh goodbye love, 'bye Annie.'

  They went round to get their bicycles. Usually they did everything to avoid leaving the house together but today was different.

  'What is it, do you think?' Brian asked.

  Annie was nonchalant. 'They could be drunk, they went out to Colm's restaurant, maybe the pair of them got pissed. Dad's not up yet, you'll note.'

  'That's probably it all right,' said Brian sagely.

  Danny came into the kitchen. 'I waited until the children left,' he said.

  'What?'

  'I didn't know what you'd want to say to them. You know? I thought it was better to talk to you first.' He looked anxious and uneasy. Danny's hair was tousled and his face pale and unshaven. He had slept in his clothes. She still felt the strange sense of not being here, of watching it all happen. That feeling hadn't gone during the long wakeful hours of night. She said nothing but looked at him expectantly.

  'Ria, are you all right? Why have you your coat on?'

  'I don't think I took it off,' she said.

  'What? Not even to go to bed?'

  'I didn't go to bed. Did you?'

  'Sit down, sweetheart…'

  'What?'

  'I know, I'm sorry, it doesn't mean anything. It's just something I call you. I meant sit down, Ria.'

  Suddenly her head began to clear. They were no longer little matchstick figures way down below, people she was watching from far away. She was here in this messy kitchen wearing her coat over her good black party dress. Danny her husband, the only man she had ever loved, had got some twenty-two-year-old pregnant and was going to leave home and set up a new family. He was actually trying to tell her to sit down in her own house. A very great coldness came over her. 'Go now, Danny, please. Leave the house and go to work.'

  'You can't order me out, Ria, and take this attitude… we have to talk. We have to plan what to do, what to say.'

  'I will take whatever attitude I like to take, and I would like you not to be here any more until I am ready to talk to you.' Her voice sounded very normal from inside. Possibly to him too.

  He nodded, relieved. 'When will that be? When will you be… ready to talk?'

  'I don't know, I'll let you know.'

  'Do you mean today? Tonight, or… um… later?'

  'I'm not sure yet.'

  'But Ria, listen sweet… listen Ria, there are things you have to know. I have to tell you what happened.'

  'I think you did.'

  'No, no. No, I have to tell you what it was about and discuss what we do.'

  'I imagine I know what happened.'

  'I want to explain…"

  'Go now.' He was undecided. 'Now,' she said again.

  He went upstairs and she stood listening to the sound of a quick splash wash, and his opening drawers to get clean clothes. He didn't shave, he looked hangdog and at a loss. 'Will you be all right?' he asked. She looked at him witheringly. 'No, I know it sounds a stupid thing… but I
do care and you won't let me talk. You don't want to know what happened, or anything.'

  She spoke slowly. 'Just her name.'

  'Bernadette,' he said.

  'Bernadette,' she repeated slowly. There was a long silence then

  Ria looked at the door and Danny walked out, got into his car and drove away.

  When he had gone Ria realised that she was very hungry. She had eaten almost nothing since lunch-time yesterday. The figs and Parma ham had not been touched last night. She cleared the table swiftly and got herself a tray ready. She would need all her strength for what lay ahead, this was no time to think about diets and calories. She cut two slices of wholemeal bread and a banana. She made some strong coffee. Whatever happened now she would need some fuel to give her energy.

  She had just begun to eat when she heard a tap at the back door. Rosemary came in carrying a yellow dress. It was something they had discussed the other night. Was that only Saturday night? Less than three days ago? Rosemary always dressed for work as if she were going to be on prime-time television, groomed and made up. Her short straight hair with its immaculate cut looked as if she had come from a salon. The dress that she had brought to lend to Ria was one she had bought but hardly ever worn. She didn't have the right colouring, she had said, it needed someone dark.

  Rosemary held the dress out as if she were in a dress shop convincing a doubtful buyer. 'It looks nothing in the hand but try it on, it's absolutely right for the opening of the flats.' Ria looked at her wordlessly. 'No, don't give me that look, you think it's too wishy-washy but honestly with your dark hair and say a black scarf…' Rosemary stopped suddenly and looked at Ria properly. She was sitting white-faced, wearing a black velvet dress and gold chain, and eating a huge banana sandwich at eight thirty in the morning. 'What is it?' Rosemary's voice was a whisper.

  'Nothing, why?'

  'Ria, what's happened? What are you doing?'

  'I'm having my breakfast, what do you think I'm doing?'

  'What is it? Your dress…?'

  'You're not the only one who can get dressed in the mornings,' Ria said, her lip trembling. Her voice sounded to her a bit like a mutinous five-year-old. She saw Rosemary look at her face, aghast. Then it was all too much. 'Oh God Rosemary, he has a girlfriend, a girlfriend who's pregnant. She's twenty-two, she's going to have his baby.'