Foxy_T

by Tony White

  As he look at her while saying this she feel him eyes fill her up until she feel full of him even if him never say what she want to hear. She smile at him and feel a bit sorry for him and him boyish manner and then she feel like just going upstair with Ruji-Babes this time was not so bad.

  So it obvious that things aint gonna run so smooth as Zafar Iqbal think even though right now him feel like he score a six fe win the test.

  Next day he phone the register office and see how much him need fe pay up in order to get marry. When him eventually speak to someone she go through them procedure and the various form they need to fill and whatever and what him need to bring in order fe do this. It seem pretty simple except he never had that much money at that time so they talk about it and decide they can do this in a week or so when him next giro come and maybe they go half each or whatever. Plus his birth certificate was definitely up his sister place so they couldnt do it that morning even if they did have the money up front. So they both agree that they maybe meet up in a couple of weeks and fix a date fe go up the register office and do them things. There was plenty of dates left in January when they could get marry so no rush. Then after that they could find a place or whatever and move in.

  Zafar had never been able to save no money. He never work at anything for long enough or earn enough fe save and put money by. He never dealt more weed than he needed to cover the cost of his own smokes is it. And he never upgrade to brown or white like some of him spar.

  ‘Time like this man I wish I got some savings,’ he said to Foxy-T. ‘Or like a car fe sell. Just fe get some little cash init.’

  Then he pack his bag and the two of them walk up Whitechapel and Foxy-T buy a ticket and all so she can come stand on the platform with him then catch the East London back down to Shadwell. And the two of them stand there and wait for that train a few minutes. Zafar bought a bar of chocolate out of the machine and they sat on the seats there and share it and Foxy-T link her arm in his and the two of them leaning on each other like that. Then the train come and they kiss quickly and he get on and find a seat then turn and look through the window at her. And as she stand there watching him she was stand on one foot init like she does when she concentrating on stuff like when she try fe figure out some problem with the PC them and can see exackly where they is going wrong. And it feel a bit like that now init and also like a part of her was leaving on the train with him. And she want fe like smile and wave init but he just stand there and look and not make any kind of move just stand there and look at her. And the train doors shut and it pull away slowly and in a second he was out of sight and the train had gone under the footbridge and round the corner down towards the tunnel and on the few miles to Dagenham.

  As the train disappeared she felt a bit out of it. And like she couldnt remember what it was like having him there and how that make her feel. She wondered if she could even remember what him face looked like. And felt like if he wasnt there then the part of her that exist when he was there is gone with him. But then she realise that she could remember him face. It was clear in her mind what Zafar look like. How he look a bit cheeky when he saying something fe try and provoke her and the way he laugh that laugh like him try fe act more cool than even him arrogance would allow. But that was all she could remember as she stood there on the platform and then turn to walk down the subway. Because without him there she couldnt think of how she was when he was around. Like she remember him but she forgot herself. Or at least that part of her what had gone on the train with him.

  One thing Zafar did before him leave was also to open up a email account. Though he never use the thing and didnt really like write letters or things is it but just so they could keep in touch if they need to. But they never spoke except him leave a message one time to say he arrive. So they wasnt them kind of lover who speak on there mobile every five minutes and say ‘Hi darling,’ or whatever. Only he check his email in some little internet cafe on Stratford Broadway when he went shopping with him sister Radya on like Monday. There wasnt nothing in there that time. But then he found a internet cafe in Dagenham on like the Wednesday evening and he open up him emails and there was a email from Foxy-T.

  He press print init so he can read it at home but also him sit there and read it upon the screen.

  It say:

  From: Foxy__T@hotmail.com

  Sent: Monday 4 November 2002 22:37

  To: zafariqbal1000@hotmail.com

  Subject: Hi

  Hi Zafar, I been thinking and running things through my mind about the two of us and what we was planning and the more I think about it the more it seems like pure foolishness. I never feel this way when you was here because in a funny way Zafar when your there I cant seem to think straight or do things for myself. But now you arent here in the flat anymore I can see how stupid we was being. Ruji-Babes and me is getting along like old times and I feel like I was all wrong about her and how for some reason because I aint thinking straight when your around I’m probaly treating you and Ruji both unfair. Like I must be leading you on in someway even though deep in my heart I know that I dont love you enough for the two of us to get married. I really dont. I know I said yes and everything but I cant believe that I meant it because I dont feel that way now. I was just like saying all that fe shut you up. All them thing people say about love and know when you meet the one for you and everything is just pure bullshit Zafar but even if it wasnt and it was true I wouldnt feel that about you. So I feel its important to be straight with you now. I dont think theres any way we should still be thinking about getting married so I think we shouldnt meet up and do them things at the register office next week like we planned to do. I’m sorry to say that I dont love you and I hope you wont be hurt by this too much but I’m sure that in your heart of hearts Zafar you must feel the same way. I remember when I was in love with a couple of boys at school like head over heel man before Ruji and me was together and I can honestly say that I never feel that way with you. I dont think we know each other well enough really to even say we are friend let alone be man and wife like that. I can say that I feel like I dont know you at all hardly. So how can we get married Zafar answer me that questions.

  Me and Ruji is safe now and I feel that what I feel for her is like twenty times more than I feel for you. I’m not saying this to hurt you Zafar please dont think I would do that but I just trying to be honest with you like I say. Because thats the least you deserve Zafar. But I love Ruji and I know all them little things about her and I dont know what I would do if something I did cause her any more pain than I have already done. Ruji and me is gonna be together for a while yet I think and even if it dont last for ever it worth holding on to that. Who can say what is in the future. But I know she sickly and that sometime and I think we need each other in a way that you and me dont need each other. For myself Zafar I is getting by and muddling through the usual kind of days at E-Z Call you can imagine cant you. But I cant really even seem to remember much about you Zafar so this make me think that I must have been going a bit mad when you was around and putting a lot of burden on you just because you was there. And certainly not because we have anything in common the two of us. You and me is so different Zafar and you must know this too. I cant even think of why I would love you but I know why I love Ruji in a way that I cant even remember with you. And also I dont know why I said I’d move out to Dagenham with you and find a place. I dont know what I was thinking when I said I would do that. I must have been going mad because my life is here with Ruji-Babes and are work and everything which I love doing and thinking how easy I was talking myself into giving up all of this makes me think that I would do the same thing to you Zafar and just up and leave you without knowing what I was doing so it seems like I really dont want to do that to you or to myself by dropping everything and move out there with you. I’m just glad that I didnt completely fuck everything up with Ruji and she is still here for me because if she wasnt I dont know what I would do Zafar I really dont! Even when she is cross with
me and upset like she was for a few days after you gone. So what I’m saying Zafar is that we should call it all off and not go through with this stupidness. I’m sorry if I led you on but I really dont think we can get married and thats the way I feel. I can only say that I’m really sorry because I dont mean to piss you about just that I dont think I really thought about what we was doing or saying and somehow we was leading each other on. So just get on with your life Zafar I know that you will make a go of it out there for yourself and maybe find some girl whose into the same kind of things that you are. Dont worry about replying to this email I mean it you should just forget about are moment of madness and thats what I will try to do as well. You forgot that jacket. You know the one that the robber left. I wore it a couple of times but I dont like it really so I will send it over in a parcel or something if you want. I got your sisters address written down here somewhere. Sorry I’ve been so stupid as to let you think we could get married. But lets forget all about it and get on with are lives. Are real lives not this foolishness. Ruji-Babes sends her love too and wish you luck for the future. Her uncle is coming over this week from back home. Sorry Zafar but it has to be this way.

  Foxy-T

  Believe me Zafar in a daze when him read this init. Him pure shock and just close down him email and just sit there for a bit. Then him get up and take them page off the printer and step outside. Man only use ten minutes of him time init but fe true him no feel like sit there now and him no feel like he can reply is it. Man have fe think sometime init so he just fold that up and put it in him pocket. When him reach at his sister place Zafar just smoke a couple spliff and think about them thing she say. Couple a time him start fe write a letter init but Zafar aint no writer is it and him just screw them thing up. He never knowed what type a letter fe write is it. None a them sound right is it.

  ‘Dear darling Foxy-T.’ Then what man?

  What he done instead was he just read that email over and over init. Just sit there and ignore him sister and that and reading that email till they gone to bed and him have the sofa fe sleep. Man hardly slept is it through just turn them thought round in him head. Even when him wake Zafar read this letter when he was eat his breakfast in front of the telly after him sister gone fe take her kids to school and gone to work. He put down the bowl of Weetabix and just sat there for a minute or two staring at the telly but not even watching it. He was mad believe me. Him just eat up inside through pure anger.

  ‘Fuck!’ he thinking. ‘She fucking me around bad this time.’ No way she can do that him think. Once you promise them thing you dont take them back. No way man. She was his. He was set on that it was his life now that they was gonna be together. She was everything to him and without her he would have fe start again init. He sat there all morning till the cereal was dry around the edge of the bowl just thinking over this and thinking how could she do this. She promised! She fucking promised! He was well angry and even forgot the telly was on init.

  Somehow man come to himself around lunchtime init and if he hadnt been plot some way to get Foxy-T back he might have done something stupid probaly I dont know. If it werent his sister place he might have smash things up and wreck the place. But Zafar aint totally stupid is it. So come lunchtime him make a coffee or whatever and roll up a nice spliff and sit out on the patio in the cold and think long and hard about thing.

  Looking at the fence and the walls around him and hearing the noise of the roads and shit all around for a second him felt like he had felt that one time before when he was sitting in the yard out back of E-Z Call and think that about all England patchwork fields and that just a prison and the streets of the city no different. Like they is there only fe control youth like him and keep them lock up init.

  But chilling like that on the patio him figure that if this is the case then even more reason for him to plot and scheme some way of get around what Foxy-T a say in that email. And the spliff done nothing fe cool him anger but it allow him some focus and a way fe think clearly about him situation. But funny thing was that what him thinking about while him a sat there was not Foxy-T. See the thing that rankle him mind that worry him like a loose filling and that him see no way past the thing him have fe remove like a bad tooth you understand was Ruji-Babes. No way round it. Man have bad tooth him have fe go the dentist seen. If him want Foxy-T him have fe get rid of Ruji-Babes for good. But how he a go do that? It seem impossible fe get her out the way. But man know him so angry that he knowed this the only way fe get Foxy-T back for himself. Because inspite of what she say in that email he knowed that she wasnt going mad when she say ‘Yes.’ Zafar knowed that she want it as much as he do just that evil bitch Ruji-Babes so fucking demanding and poisonous that she turn Foxy-T against him and try fe act so weak that Foxy-T have no choice but look after her and commit to there dead relationship for fear that Ruji-Babes do something stupid like kill herself or take a overdose or whatever. And he knowed this the way Ruji-Babes control Foxy-T init through act weak and keep aks Foxy-T fe prove herself. But he also knowed that Foxy-T no like it seen cause she told him init and even if she say things run smooth now is just through habit init and through Foxy-T try fe play safe. But fe true is a threat that Ruji-Babes use even if she would never say them thing out loud and both a them knowed it.

  Well he reason if that the way she want it that the way she can have it init. And Zafar make up him mind at that point. He knowed damn well him cant talk Ruji-Babes out of it and reason with her because she beyond reason that one. And if she a go kill herself anyway at some point or other then him course is clear. She practicly begging for it anyway.

  Zafar sister Radya not about in the day like I say cause she at work init and Zafar got no cash fe go and get the tube over Whitechapel but him remember where she keep her cash and Child Benefit book and stuff in the back of the kitchen draw so he figure that him may have fe borrow it and see what him can scrape up in the way of change. The Child Benefit book is there alright but there aint no cash in the draw. But when him check it he see that the benefit due that week init and she no collect yet. Him figure if he cash it he can pay her back at the weekend even if him have fe nick something fe do it.

  Zafar sister sent him fe collect the benefit once before init when him stay there like five year ago so him remember which post office he need to visit and he sit down there at the kitchen table and fill it out as if she signed it for him to collect. But that money aint no use fe tube fare him need that fe other things init so him start look in them cups on the shelf or whatever to see if he can find like a couple of dollar fe tube fare only there aint none there nor down the back of the sofa or anywhere. He know that him sister keep her change and then take it up the bank when she got twenty quid worth or so so perhaps she done that either way theres no cash to be seen anywhere. But Zafar that vex and wound up that he think fuck it man and decide fe walk it anyway. He decide fe the benefit first and then walk over Whitechapel init. So him fresh up and get on his clothes then slip on him jacket and trainer and set off.

  Dont take him long a walk over the post office down Dagenham Road is it. Once he pick up that cash him feel a whole lot better man. And now him have near enough a hundred dollar tuck in him pocket give Zafar courage. And once he got that he set off toward Whitechapel. Since it only take a half hour on the tube him figure it be a couple of hour walk but him well wrong. Where him sister live is in them flats up Rush Green Road which is practicly in Hornchurch. So him step up the Dagenham Road and figure he follow the road back over Ilford way. And the best way him figure fe do that is turn back on Rush Green Road and follow that past the park and the school and whatever and over Wood Lane roundabout then he can follow Wood Lane up till Goodmayes and get on the High Road.

  Listen man if you never been up that way let me tell you is a serious distance from Whitechapel. It took him upwards a half hour just fe reach Green Lane and him walk cross the railway bridge and up on the High Road and some serious walking take him along past the railway yard at Seven Kings.
This was all his manor when him a young rude boy. Him and his spar from school would sneak in the yards with there cans and tag everything in sight believe me. The hole in the fence was still there now init down the side of Aldborough Road. And checking the graffiti upon them trains and shit he could see that nuff youth is found there paths a bring them down this way too. Anyway this take him upwards of one hour. Zafar had glance at him watch as he leave the post office and it like two or whatever and it was at least three before him even reach St Mary’s church there. For a second him tempt fe broke into that hundred dollar and get like a tube ticket but something about this walk was focus him mind and allow Zafar fe meditate upon the things he have fe do.

  Before him left Zafar had skin up a few little spliff fe keep him going init and him spark one up now as he step under the North Circular and past that sports ground there. Part of him want fe stop and take a seat there in that little park. But he been walking for ages now man and him figure that if he stop now he stop for good since him feet already get sore init. Funny thing is since him a kid he know this road like that from always drive up and down it with him family or whatever. But he never walk down this way is it and him find that he never knowed half a what is there. Everything look different and where ever he look is some shop or carpet warehouse or take away what he never seen before and fe true some a them shop may be new init but it also feel like he had somehow shorten the road in him mind so he think say one bit might just be pure houses and one bit might just be pure shop but when him walking along there he see that it aint like that at all.

  By the time he get to Woodgrange Park though him feel that he better take a five minute break or else him no gonna make it so when him reach the cemetery gates he nip in there init and find a spot out of the wind fe smoke a quiet spliff. So him find a bench and while him smoke him watch the wind batter them trees and blowing the last of the leaves off.