by Jessie G.
“It works. How long have you and Master Saul been together?”
“Almost seven years.” That seemed like the safest answer and was basically the truth. When Tory’s eyes dropped to his bare neck, he flinched. “It’s been a very long road.”
“Is he good to you?”
“Saul is the best man I know.” The note of concern in that question had him rushing to answer. He definitely didn’t want Tory or anyone else to think badly of Saul. There wasn’t a better man alive, Javier believed that wholeheartedly, and the issues in their relationship were too unique to explain to a man he just met.
Tory relaxed and offered him another understanding smile. “Then I hope that very long road evens out for you.”
Javier knew everyone had something to overcome, something unique to them, and it was obvious Tory understood complicated relationships. Javier wanted to know how their relationship came about, how they realized they were better off as three, and how they made it work. The only thing holding him back from asking was his unwillingness to share his own story.
Evan’s voice reached them as he walked back with Saul. “Four times at the dealer this month, it’s ridiculous. If you can’t fix it, I’m taking a match to it.”
Saul laughed. “I’ll work on it in the morning and let you know what I find. Javi, get a work order so Red doesn’t yell at me later for forgetting to write that piece of shit up.”
After the paperwork was handled, Evan took two passes out of his wallet and wrote something on the back. “Walk around the line and give these to the bouncer, you’ll get right in. Don’t bring your wallets either. The night’s on me.”
As the pair drove away, Javier looked up at Saul. “Do you miss it?”
Saul didn’t hesitate to answer. “There are parts of it I miss, others not so much.”
The need to know what Saul really wanted and needed had him pressing for more. “Like?”
Saul kissed the top of his head and started around the car they were working on before Evan’s arrival. “Like, it was a long time ago. Whatever the future holds, it will be something completely different.”
Javier could have put money on that deflection. Given a second to think about it, he probably could have predicted it word for word. Maybe it was being faced with the reality of a real, working, triad relationship. Or maybe it was memories of that blond gazing at them both as if he’d happily crawl in between them. Whatever it was, Javier refused to be deflected. “I know I can’t be everything you need.”
Saul glanced back, his frown a combination of anger at being pushed and sadness at the spotlight Javier was shining on their deficiencies. “We’ve discussed this, Javi. There is nothing I miss that compares to having you.”
CHAPTER 4
Saul
Saul watched Javier’s face, saw the total shock, and wondered how many ways he’d failed to give Javier what he needed. Those words shouldn’t come as a surprise. Hadn’t he shown every day that he was totally invested? “It hurts to see that surprise on your face.”
That seemed only to shock Javier more and Saul had to walk away from it. What else could he do to show Javier that he would give his life for him? Didn’t he understand the feeling behind that?
“Saul...” One slim hand wrapped around his upper arm. “You’ve never said anything like that before.”
“Words aren’t my thing.” What he truly longed for was better left unsaid. Through his controlled actions, he’d proven that he could and would accept whatever Javier felt secure enough to give. That he would be there in whatever capacity was needed. If he tried to put that into words then Javier would know how much he was setting aside and that knowledge wouldn’t help them move forward. Giving Javier a safe environment to grow, to test his own boundaries, was more important to their growth than indulging in any kinks he might prefer.
“I’m not surprised because I didn’t know, but because you’ve never said anything like that to me. It was…” Javier looked down for a moment. “...hot.”
Saul stepped close and lifted Javier’s chin. “Do you need words?”
“Not all the time, no. I love you just the way you are. But maybe, once in a while, it would be nice.”
Saul searched the face he’d loved through hell and felt that familiar little pang. Maybe he was the masochist because, even knowing Javier’s feelings were just an illusion, Saul couldn’t stop himself from asking, “You love me?”
“Please, that’s definitely not a surprise. We’ve loved each other through the worst moments of our lives. Loving each other was never our problem, was it?” There were many ways Saul manipulated Javier and felt he’d done so to keep him safe. This illusion of love Javier was feeling had been an unintended result. How could Javier love the man who held him captive, who stood aside and let others hurt him repeatedly? The answer was simple and heartbreaking—he couldn’t.
“No, it wasn’t.” The ugly truth was, Saul could have secured Javier’s safety after prison in a hundred different ways, but he was just too selfish to walk away from the only light in his life.
Javier came closer—his movements equal parts seduction and caution—and placed his hands on Saul’s chest. “We’re not in hell anymore, Saul. I’ve tried so hard to be strong for you, but I only feel truly strong when I’m with you.”
“For me? Javi, is that why you asked for your own room? Did you think you had to prove something to me?” How stupid was he not to have seen what Javier was doing? And he’d let it go on for eighteen months! More time lost and he only had himself to blame. He’d let his own hurt blind him to Javier’s intentions.
Burrowing closer, Javier laid his head over Saul’s heart and admitted, “I overheard you and Bull talking. I don’t know what all was said, but I clearly heard you say that I wasn’t strong enough for whatever Bull thought you should be doing.”
“He told me I was failing you.” There was no need to elaborate, to use the title Bull had used, the one Evan and Tory had thrown around. The longing in Javier’s eyes was unrealistic; no matter what his fantasies might have been, they just weren’t possible now.
Javier reared back, anger vibrating through him. “That’s not true! You kept every promise you ever made to me.”
Just thinking about those two years in prison and imagining all the ways Javier must have suffered made him physically ill. “No, pequeño, I didn’t. You were all alone in prison…”
Javier cut him off with a sharp shake of his head. “We had an agreement before we went in that we wouldn’t turn evidence on Durango, that we didn’t need that target on our backs. Neither of us went into that decision blindly and we knew by withholding it the DA wouldn’t go to extra lengths for us. That was the price we had to pay for our freedom and I don’t regret paying it.”
That was more than fine since he had enough regrets for both of them. “And you suffered for it.”
“You didn’t? We just show it differently.” Javier was calling bullshit, telling him he saw what Saul was trying to hide. That was new. Not that Javier was trying to read him, but that he was comfortable enough to call him on what he saw. “I can be strong with everyone except you. You gave me the ability to feel what I feel, both good and bad. With you I’ve never had to hide the bad. If I was wrong to believe that…”
Being Javier’s security, giving him that safe place to be and feel, that was the most important role of Saul’s life. What he devoted years to. Even if it left him vulnerable, he wouldn’t take that away from Javier now. “You weren’t wrong to believe that.”
“When the time comes we’re going to finish this. That promise has already been made to Alaric and Miguel. I don’t want to wait until then to have what I’ve dreamed for so long.”
“What have you dreamed of?” Saul held his breath waiting for the answer. Javier had never been so expressive of his wants, so determined to have them heard. To see the eagerness in his eyes, the want overriding the usual fear, ramped him up in the few seconds it took for Javier to ans
wer. It was no secret that he wanted Javier over him, under him, and any other way he could have him.
“You. Finally being yours.”
Even though he saw the answer in Javier’s eyes, the words rocked his world. The breath he’d been holding left him in a rush and in its wake he felt both exhilarated and exhausted. The wait had been tremendous. Curving one hand around Javier’s throat, Saul leaned down to press their foreheads together. The visual of his hand at that slender throat both aroused and alarmed him. There was a time when he would have collared this beautiful, broken angel. Would have taken one look at Javier and done anything to tether them together. As always, the desire was crushed under the reality of the collar that had tethered them together. The offending leather, with the torturous spikes on the inside, had left more permanent marks on Saul’s memory than it did on Javier’s neck.
“Did I misunderstand, Saul?” The trembling question cut through memories best left in the past. They’d sucked him in again, leaving Javier hanging for an answer he should have already known.
How much of a selfish bastard was he that he would take what Javier was offering knowing the feelings behind it weren’t real? Whatever punishment awaited him in the afterlife, any time spent with Javier would be worth it. “I will give you the words you need, Javi, but you must do something for me.”
“Anything.” That breathless whisper held such heartbreaking promise.
All Saul wanted was one moment of peace with Javier, just one. One not clouded in memories of the past or worries of the future. One that didn’t remind him of how truly undeserving he was. Was that really so much to ask? “You’ll move back where you belong, immediately.”
Javier was nodding before he finished speaking. “As soon as we get home.”
Javier was a reward Saul knew didn’t belong to him. The things he did in the years before they’d met could not be excused by his flawed intentions. It was easy to say he and Miguel joined to help support their family, but their parents would have wished for them to be anything other than what they’d become in those years. As a mercenary for Durango, Saul’s job was to hurt or kill people on command, unknowing if they were innocent or not. Durango was their jury and he, the blind sheep executing his orders. Even as she took the money Saul brought every week, his mother wept for what he’d become.
Still, it wasn’t until Javier was dragged before him that Saul knew why he’d become a monster. Because it was a monster that Javier needed; it was only a monster that could save him. Through some divine intervention, Javier had seen that and never blamed him for the part he had to play to keep his promise of freedom for them both.
As if reading his thoughts, Javier whispered, “We both paid too heavy a price for a debt that was forced on us, Saul. I’m done paying, are you?”
Unable to resist for another second, Saul covered that mouth with his own, caressing his soft lips until Javier opened for him. Sweeping in, getting his first real taste, nearly buckled his knees. Coaxing Javier to open wider, Saul sought out every secret, needing to take everything Javier was offering. No matter how it appeared that he saved Javier, the man had saved his soul. Because of Javier he remembered the man he believed himself to be. His long dormant sense of morality and humanity reared to the forefront, and Saul knew his future and his redemption lay in the arms of this broken angel.
Javier whimpered and pressed close, wrapping strong arms around his waist, anchoring them together in that moment. “Take me home, Saul. Make me yours.”
Saul glanced over and caught the rush of bodies pretending to go back to work. “Billy...”
“Go, before the garage spontaneously combusts.”
CHAPTER 5
Javier
Saul’s silence was killing him. Sure, he was the strong silent type, but there were always words. Usually short and to the point, but words nonetheless, except today when Javier needed something to keep his nerves in check. If not for the hand holding his, anchoring him, Javier would have fled under the oppressive weight of the words left unsaid. Saul continued to lead him, taking them into the bathroom where he finally released his hand so that he could set the taps in the shower.
“Saul…” The desperate plea was barely a squeak when Javier finally gathered the courage to say something—anything—and it embarrassed him. This was Saul, the one person he was totally, completely, unwaveringly sure of. The man he loved, the man he knew loved him, the man who would kill for him. Javier didn’t want fear between them. In seven years he never felt it, and he’d be damned if he would give in to it now. Clearing his throat, he tried again. “Saul, I need you to say something.”
Apparently satisfied with the temperature of the water, Saul came back to stand in front of him. Those dark eyes were deep with want and a host of other emotions Javier couldn’t name. A small smile tipped up one corner of that otherwise harsh mouth as Saul teased, “Did you think I would suddenly become chatty in the ten minutes it took us to get home, pequeño?”
Every time Saul called him that, his voice changed. It always came out quieter, deeper, and so achingly intimate that it made his heart flutter. Hearing it now calmed the jitters the silence had caused and Javier boldly stepped forward, erasing the space between them. “I know, but...but I might need a few. So I know you want this...me.”
“Want you?” Saul rested a hand on Javier’s hip, encouraging him even closer without grabbing. It didn’t take a genius to know Saul could be a grabber or that he was displaying tremendous caution and Javier hated it. He wanted to be the man Saul grabbed, to be the one Saul lost control with, but knew he might never be that person. “That’s one thing you never have to worry about. I’ve wanted you for so long.”
“Then why haven’t you…”
“It had to be when you were ready. It has to be on your terms. If I tried and pushed you away…” Saul shook his head. “After all we’ve been through together…you wanted your own room.” Saul let him see the hurt his actions caused. It was a rare glimpse at a vulnerability he often forgot existed. Saul was always strong for him, unfailingly, and these little peeks into the man behind the armor were painful reminders of how much Saul had changed to meet his needs. “There is no pressure here. Take whatever you need from…”
“What about what you need?” Javier wasn’t selfish and didn’t want this selfless sacrifice from Saul. He wanted so much, everything that Saul was, but not a sacrifice.
“You’re everything I need in any way I can have you.” Javier knew he didn’t mean it, knew if he asked Saul to take him the way Saul would want to, he would refuse. Before long Saul would need the thrill of a lover who could take the aggression he so carefully hid, no matter how hard he tried to deny it. Javier loved Saul for the effort, but he was not a selfish man. They both needed something the other couldn’t provide, but for this first time it had to be just them. This moment was their reward for surviving and coming out the other side together.
He’d asked for words, but realized they said too little and hid too much. With purpose, he reached up and began unbuttoning Saul’s shirt. “On my terms?”
“Yes.”
Javier pulled the shirt free to open the last two buttons before sliding his hands beneath the parted material. It wasn’t the first time he’d touched Saul’s bare skin, and that brick wall of a chest continued to fascinate him. Heat always seemed to radiate off Saul, warmth that he could never seem to get close enough to. The muscles bunched beneath his fingers as he trailed up from those washboard abs, over that sculpted chest, until he was pushing the shirt off Saul’s shoulders. As it fluttered to the floor, he asked, “Whatever I need?”
“Always. Anything.” Saul’s voice dropped to a rough timbre and his fists clenched. That visual confirmation that Saul wanted him said so much more than words.
“So, if I wanted to fuck you, you’d let me?” Javier teased softly. Oh, how well he knew his man. The look of utter disbelief on Saul’s face was comical and he had to bite his lip to keep from laughing. It m
ade him wonder if a younger, inexperienced Saul had ever been topped, but just couldn’t imagine it. He could be wrong, but he believed most men found enjoyment in either position, though they usually gravitated to one or the other. Then there were men like Saul, who he doubted ever trusted anyone to top him. In his estimation, Saul came out of the womb dressed in leather chaps and wielding a whip, and that was all there was to it.
More importantly, that was what he needed from Saul. To know that Saul had total control over both their lives because Javier knew he often had little control over his own mind and body. Trusting both to Saul allowed him to believe that he was always safe and protected and cared for. At his lowest, he could go deep inside, hide in the place Saul built for him, and trust that when he came back, he’d find Saul standing guard.
“You think teasing me is the right way to go?” Saul bared his teeth, but the amused glint in his eyes betrayed the action.
Javier raked his fingers through the coarse, dark hair on Saul’s chest and purred, “Oh, will you bite me, my big, bad wolf?”
Saul leaned in and snapped his teeth beside Javier’s ear, the sound tingling along his spine. Warm breath followed, raising bumps all over his body. “You know what happens to little boys who tease?”
Javier clung to Saul’s shoulders and went up on his toes to get closer. Eager to know, he whispered, “What happens?”
Another snap of Saul’s teeth, this time taking a small nip of his ear, was followed by the soothing lap of his tongue. “They get eaten up.”
Fuck, but he wanted to be eaten up. From the tips of his toes right to the top of his head. He wanted that mouth on every part of his body. “Will you…eat me up, Saul?”
“Every delectable inch,” Saul promised. “Take off your clothes, Javi.”
Eagerness had him fumbling, making his attempt at a sexy strip tease look amateur at best. If the heated look in Saul’s eyes was any indication, Javier guessed it didn’t matter. They’d seen each other naked before and yet this time it felt new. This time neither of them were hiding the want or pretending to be unaffected. This time they would look and admire, touch and taste...this was their moment, finally, and he was so ready to get started.