by Jessie G.
“How is that fair to him? What does he get out of it?” Kyle barely knew them, owed them nothing, and he still came to stand with them. It defied reason.
“That’s a question for him. I haven’t really spoken to him and I don’t think he’d confide in me the way Javi does, at least not at this point. The reason is going to be hugely important to him, as important as your reasons for needing him. As important as the fight he’s willing to take on for you. Whatever they are, you have to be willing to make them important to you, because there is no denying he’s coming in with his eyes wide open and plenty of time to think about it.”
“You’re telling me to break down the walls, Red. It’s not that easy.” Breaking down those walls would leave him weak when he needed to be strong. It was an impossible request.
“It’ll be worth it. Start by listening closely the next time Javi tells you he loves you. It’s not the fabrication you think it is. And no, he didn’t fall in love with you that first day, but he does know when he did.”
His heart stuttered dangerously, every instinct screaming at him not to ask, “When?”
“You told him he was strong.” The moment escaped him and once again Red didn’t make him wait. “The way he remembers it? He wasn’t allowed to be on the furniture, but every day you’d have him sit in a chair, then you’d remove his collar and tend to the bruises on his neck.”
The image hit him so vividly, sucking the air from his lungs and he had to look away from the tears in those unique eyes. “Please stop.”
“No.” Red knelt before him and took his hands. “No, look at me. He remembers begging you to kill him. You gave him the gun and said if he wanted to die, he had to kill you first. That you weren’t strong enough to do it, but that he was strong enough to end it for both of you. You took his hand, guided the gun to your own head and told him it was okay, that if he was ready then you were ready.”
“Red, please stop.” Saul had faced men hell-bent on killing him and hadn’t been as terrified as he was listening to Red dredge up the worst memory of his life.
Despite his plea, Red didn’t stop. “Javi said that was the first time he felt your pain and knew that he had to keep fighting. For you. That no matter what they did to his body, his heart was yours and he couldn’t take that away from you.”
When he tore himself away and ran from the office, Red didn’t try to stop him.
Chapter 27
Saul
Every memory Red dredged up followed him across every mile he drove. Like a coward, he’d run from the office and tore out of the parking lot, sure the hounds of hell were at his heels. Saul thought he’d already been to hell, but this excavation of every feeling he’d tried to bury was the real hell. No matter which way he turned someone was begging him to show his heart, to wear it on his fucking sleeve. It was unreasonable and counterproductive. Red said it himself, he’d become a certain kind of man to save Javier. What was the point of stripping that away when they were preparing to face the fight of their lives?
The wandering led him to the cemetery and the grave of the little girl Javier had risked it all for. It wasn’t the first time he found himself sitting on the ground, staring at the simple marker, begging this child who did not know him for help. Years before they died, his parents had written him off as too far gone. They still took his money, but they no longer cried for him or prayed for his soul. They feared him. They believed he was evil and wanted nothing to do with him. If his own parents believed that, how could anyone else feel differently?
“Red would tell you that real family has nothing to do with blood.” Looking up, he smiled at what he knew was a projection of his own mind. Lily Escardo was an angelic representation of Javier’s lost innocence. “He believed he was nothing until you all welcomed him in and showed him that he was so much more.”
It wasn’t the same. His parents had loved him and tried to raise him to be a certain type of man. He was the one who failed them, who turned his back on that love and those teachings. All the good intentions he pretended to have didn’t excuse that.
“So, you were a bad man once upon a time. Are you a bad man now?”
Yes, he was. He’d selfishly brought another innocent into their lives. Kyle. How could he have been so thoughtless? So self-absorbed as to think he could take that beautiful man for himself when it would only put a target on his back.
“Because he accepts every part of you.” Didn’t that only make him more selfish? “You accepted every part of him. Who wants a whore?”
God knew he hated that word. Javier hadn’t been a whore; he’d been a pawn to his Uncle, to Durango, but never a whore. Kyle had made his choices without shame, living his life without boundaries. That didn’t make him a whore.
“But that’s what they think they are and you accepted them.” It wasn’t balanced. Having sex wasn’t a crime, but murder was. One he deserved to pay for.
“For how long? What punishment would provide absolution? Life in prison? Death? You’ve created your own prison just by denying Javi’s love. You flog yourself every day with your sins and shout to anyone who wants to call you friend that you’re undeserving. Has it absolved you? Then turn yourself in, confess your crimes, live your life behind bars. Will that be enough penance?”
“Isn’t that what I deserve?” It was bad enough that he could fabricate Lily talking to him. How far gone was he that he was talking back?
“Everyone who loves you would say you’ve paid enough.”
“They don’t know!”
“They know. You wear your sins on your sleeve and they accept you. They call you friend and love you. Think about Red, how he reacts to people? He holds himself apart from the evil he sees in others. You’ve seen it with your own eyes. If you’re so evil, why doesn’t he see it in you? Why does he love you?”
“I don’t know!”
“Of course you do. You made bad choices and did bad things, but your heart was never evil. Javi saved you all those years ago, just as you saved him. Now you have to do it again. Not from this fight you think you're facing, but from the half-lives you’ve been living. Did you really fight so hard to get to this point only to live in limbo? You both did it for love, loving me, loving your parents and loving each other. Now you have to learn to love each other without all the walls between you. Javi deserves that, you deserve that and Kyle needs that.”
“Why? What does Kyle need from us?”
“I don’t know, Saul, I only know what’s really inside you. To know what’s really inside him, you have to ask him.”
“And, let me guess, I have to open my heart?”
“It’s always been the strongest weapon you have.” Lily smiled gently, her image fading. It was insane to sit here visualizing his crazy thoughts as this beautiful little girl, but what if she was right?
♦
Bull’s truck was parked at the curb when Saul drove in. It didn’t surprise him, not when he left Red kneeling on the floor of the office, tears falling down his beautiful face. The man should beat him for it, but Saul knew that wasn’t why they’d come. Red would need to see that he was all right and Bull would move mountains to give Red what he needed.
Following the laughter to the kitchen—had it really only been a few short hours since he followed Javier’s humming to the same place?—Saul found all of them around the table waiting for him. Beneath the smiles he could see the strain his disappearance had caused. Red was sitting on Bull’s lap while Kyle and Javier stood arm in arm against the counter. The others were there too, friends who had accepted him even as he tried to push them away. All waiting for something he wasn’t sure he could give.
“How was Lily?” Javier’s voice was stronger than he’d expected, maybe a little reproachful.
“Direct, as always.”
“Good, I hope she kicked your ass.” That was interesting and totally un-Javier-like and, because he was a sick fuck, the aggression in Javier’s tone turned him on.
Red was refusi
ng to look at him, his fingers drumming a steady beat against his leg. The nervous habit he’d all but abandoned returned in full force, even with his other hand held securely by his lover. Seeing it now made him feel like an ass.
“Red, look at me.” There was little satisfaction in seeing those eyes lift instantly, not when they were filled with regret. “You were right.”
“Was I?” The tremble in Red’s voice killed him.
“Yes, and I thank you for caring enough to tell me what I needed to hear. I’m sorry I ran out on you like that. You deserved better.” Saul looked around at these friends who had become his family, who accepted every part of him, and knew they were owed an apology. He could only hope it was enough. “I hurt so many of you and I’m sorry for that.”
“The question is, are you done yet?” Bull cut off any forgiveness Red would give him.
“I don’t have a choice. Everywhere I turn you are all telling me the same thing.” Someday maybe he’d believe it. Not yet, but someday.
“It’s because you have such a thick skull, it’s taken all of us to hammer the point home. We’re with you, but if you’re not with us, what’s the fucking point?” Bull demanded. He was right, they were all ready to go into battle for him and he was so busy trying to take away their reasons that he wasn’t giving them the support they needed. To pull off Alaric’s plan they needed him to have his head in the game.
“If you disappear again I won’t be here when you come back. I didn’t come all this way to be abandoned so quickly.” Kyle leveled him with a glare so heated he felt the burn of it across the kitchen. “Frankly, I expected better.”
“You deserve better.” If Saul did nothing else right, he would do better by Kyle and Javier. Their belief in him wouldn’t go unappreciated again.
Kyle tossed his head back and Saul nearly groaned. “Blah blah fucking blah...don’t fucking do it again.”
Clearly he was no longer in charge either. It was so wrong of him to be turned on by the two of them glaring at him, so wrong. “I won’t.”
Chris looked at Javier who shrugged. “Chris is hungry. Are we all eating or shall we glare at him some more?”
“We can glare while we eat,” Bull suggested, getting in one more dig. “No point in letting that meal you worked so hard on go to waste.”
For a few minutes the kitchen buzzed with the chaos of family dinner, everyone pitching in and jockeying for a seat. When the commotion settled, the only empty seat was between Kyle and Javier. Neither looked his way when he took it. They were angry, which was fine. They were still at his side, which was better.
As the conversation picked up, he felt Javier’s hand rest on his thigh, the gentle touch promising that no matter how mad he was all would be forgiven. Seated at his right, Kyle looked down and smiled quickly, but wasn’t so ready to extend the olive branch. Kyle would make him work for it and both responses warmed him.
Chapter 28
Kyle
“Okay, this is cool. Do you have parties up here?” The rooftop hosted tables, several chairs, a bar and a barbeque. Without a yard, they’d transformed it into their outdoor space and it had served as a gathering place as well as a haven for those who needed privacy.
“Sometimes. Want a drink?” Saul asked as he made his way to the bar.
“I’ll probably need something. Whatever you’ve got is fine.” With the sky clear and the moon high, Kyle imagined if he found the right spot he could see the ocean between the buildings. It was nice, high enough to dull the street noise, and private, like a little oasis in the city. He could easily imagine having sex up here, under the never ending expanse of stars, the warm tropical breeze teasing his skin.
Kyle didn’t know how long he stood there staring at the skyline without really seeing it, when it dawned on him that they hadn’t made a sound. Or maybe he hadn’t heard. Either way, they’d come up here for a reason and getting lost in his own meandering thoughts wasn’t going to move them forward. Turning back toward the table, he found them both watching him with those contradictory responses he was coming to crave.
“So...helluva week, huh?” Kyle took a chair at the table and accepted the drink, swirling the glass thoughtfully. Saul’s laugh was rich and deep, and echoed off the surrounding buildings. It was a nice surprise and a great ice breaker. “As understatements go and all that.”
Javier grinned at Saul’s amusement and shook his head. “He’s just a little crazy, did you notice?”
“Yeah, he’d have to be to put up with us.”
“Were truer words ever spoken?” Kyle settled back, feeling more at ease. “Just thinking about it makes my head spin. Do you know that five days ago I was in London doing a photo shoot on the Eye? Somewhere between baring my ass for anyone in London with a telescope and today, I gave up everything I’ve built over the last ten years.”
“The twenty six boxes I hauled out of your car would beg to differ,” Saul teased before sobering. “So, how does it feel?”
“I haven’t felt this amazing in a long time. Amazed, excited, terrified, eager...like the best thrill ride ever.” When Saul nodded, he sighed. “I guess that doesn’t tell you anything.”
“It tells me that you want to be here. We’d love to know why.” They both looked at him encouragingly, openly, and Kyle believed without judgment.
It was a question he’d asked himself often over the last month. He tried to look at it from every angle, forced himself to replay the horrible story Saul told him and the clear warning that came with it. None of it changed the overwhelming feeling that he belonged here.
“When I hit the highway with all my belongings, knowing that I was only twenty-something hours from seeing you again...it was exhilarating. Heart racing, palms sweating, can’t sit still...you know what I mean? No matter where I was, what I was doing or who I was with, I felt this pull to get back. Every day it got stronger, desperate and overwhelming. Don’t think I didn’t hear every word you said, Saul, every word. I replayed that conversation in my head, the pain, the warning...I tried to use it to do you what you said. It just wasn’t possible.” Kyle paused and considered his own words. He’d only emphasized more of the want without really answering the question of why. From the look on Saul’s face, Kyle knew it wasn’t enough.
“Can’t that be enough?” Javier whispered, reading Saul’s expression.
“No,” Saul said slowly, almost regretfully. Saul was the type of man that needed to peel away the layers to get to the root of a problem. “What drives a smart, capable, successful man to get tangled up with two mechanics that live under threat every day? What drives an independent man to get involved with someone whose idea of relationship is to control and dominate? That feeling, the one that was overwhelming and desperate, I want it...I just want to know what drives it. Do you know?”
“Yeah, I knew you’d ask.” Of course he knew. A month of thinking had turned him inside out, made him look at his life from every direction, and not everything he found was pretty. If there was any apprehension at all it was because his own past was going to seem pretty run of the mill in comparison. That didn’t make it less important...or at least he hoped they would see it that way.
“I grew up in the middle of nowhere, a town so small in Georgia that Google doesn’t bother to map it. Blink as you’re going down Main Street and you’ll miss it entirely. You know what they think about gays in the rural south?” It was a rhetorical question and he didn’t wait for a response. “The postmaster was gay. Married, but gay. Doing his best to hide his indiscretions, but gay. You can only hide that shit for so long, yeah? Somehow the wife found out and before long the whole town knew. They beat him so bad the coroner had to use dental records to identify him and his battered body lies in an unmarked grave in Shitsville’s version of Potter’s Field.”
Javier shifted closer to Saul, looking for that ever present safety, and asked, “How old were you?”
Seeing the immediate comfort Saul provided made him want to crawl arou
nd the table and ask for the same. Did he have that right yet? He wasn’t sure. “Nine. At nine you don’t understand murder or hate crimes. At nine you don’t know you’re gay, or what gay is, but I remember my folks whispering about how careful they had to be that no one found out. Guess they saw something in me that I didn’t know. They told me to keep my head down and never give anyone a reason to look too closely. I had a few good friends, ranch boys like me, but mostly I avoided people and became anxious whenever anyone noticed me. I figured out I was different when my friends started noticing girls. I really tried to notice them, which now sounds ridiculous, but all I kept noticing were my friends. My folks’ warning stayed with me and I kept my head down, never giving anyone a reason to think I was different. I learned the label when I was fourteen. An older boy was down at the lake foolin’ with his girl. There we were, hiding in the bushes to spy on them, my friends all squirming and giggling, and I didn’t take interest until the guy dropped his pants.”
“Spying? I had no idea those boy-next-door looks hid a little deviant.” Saul teased.
“Oh yeah, that’s what I am.” Well, Kyle thought with some amusement, if spying hadn’t made him a deviant, being a porn star certainly had. “I told my father about the incident at the lake and he asked me what I thought. It really never dawned on me to lie, ya know? I said the guy was hung like our prized stallion. My father got this weird look on his face, not disappointed, just scared. Reminded me that I needed to focus on school, to keep my head down and never tell anyone I was gay. Then he said the sooner I could get out of town the better.”
Even now thinking about it made him tear up. It was the first time he felt like a disappointment, like he wasn’t wanted. “My plan back then was to go to college so I could help build up the ranch business. Figured I’d take it over one day. I told him so and he looked horrified. From then on they kept pushing me to do better, to take summer classes, anything so that I could graduate early. In my last year of high school a boy came out to a few of his ‘close’ friends. They didn’t kill him, but we never saw him again. When I got accepted to college I couldn’t pack my bags fast enough. Didn’t even take the summer off. Picked up my diploma at the office and was taking my first college class the next week. I was sixteen.”