by Ian Sansom
advertisements,
– in the back of local newspapers, to be avoided, 67–68, 73, 168, 188
advice, 188
– ask, how not to, 309–310
ageing, 229, 234, 239
– and the mutual admiring of power-boats and younger women, 154
– Kate Winslet in the film Titanic and, 237
– rocker, an, 90–91
agonies,
– of conscience, 170, 185, 306–310
‘ah’,
– how to whisper, 300
airports, 6–7
alive,
– the feeling of being, xi, 6, 83, 86, 240, 268, 313, 358, 365
Alzheimer’s, 142, 253–255
– and television, 28, 355
amateur dramatics, 159, 299, 325–326, 332–366
amateurs,
– compared to adepts, 127
ambitious,
– soul, the, x, xii, 5, 25, 57n., 73, 90, 108–109, 117, 15–151, 164–166, 204, 247, 253, 299, 351, 361
America, 66, 138–139, 204, 234
– comes to us unbidden, 205–206
– ‘downtown experiences’ in, 222
– huge plate of nachos eaten in, photographic evidence of, 139
– hugging imported from, 258
– see also separate entries under Florida, Friends, and New York
Americanisms, 141, 221–222, 360–361
angel,
– Delight, 121
– Gabriel, 274
– ministering, a, 348
angels,
– on the side of the, 50, 91, 195
anger, 114, 359
anonymity, 9
antagonisms, 25, 228–229
anti-climax, 25
anxiety,
– the age of, 56
apologies, ix–xii, 1–366, 367–385, 386–388
architects,
– culminated, 15, 16, 18, 24, 155, 156, chap. 11 passim
Aristotle, 352
– Nicomachean Ethics, 3
arithmetic, 14, 217–218
artists,
– naïve, 223n.
– others, 108, 111–112, 113, 153
– see also entries under sunflowers and Van Gogh
aspirations,
– hindered, examples of, 96, 99, 109–110, 151–152, 361–362
assertions,
– concerning God, chap. 1–21 passim
– concerning the world, chap. 1–21 passim
assumptions,
– made about characters, 1ff.
– made about readers, ix–xii
Australia,
– a backpacker from, even in our town, 356
– everyone seems to have relatives in, 134
– the difficulty of imagining, 34
autobiography,
– disguised as fiction, 12, 29, 76, 131, 295, 325
autodidacts, 352
– books preferred by, 156–157
– see also entries under books and writers
averageness,
– our bedimmed, 14–18, 22, 76, 86, 172ff.
avocado,
– the first, 272
avoidance,
– of plot, 2–365
awry,
– things going, 28, 44, 69, 83, 103, 109–110, 119, 192–194, 305–310, 329–331
babies,
– almost only mention of, 4–5
bad,
– people, examples of, 41, 46, 109–110, 317–318
– Scotsman, the, 239, 281–286
– things happen, 98, 216, 314–315, 317–318
bakers, 16–17
baking, 30, 200
balls,
– to have someone by the, 147, 181
– up, 64
balm, 83, 126, 233–234
banalities, 48, 260, 340–343
bands, 79, 82, 83, 135, 186, 296–297, 299, 304–305, 351–352
– brass, 135n.
Baptists, 189
barbers, 182–3
bathing,
– deluxe, in the Oasis spa pool, 107–108
be,
– yourself, an unnecessary reminder to, 242
beard, 59–61, 108
– shifty and patriarchal, example of, 165
– washing of, in order to remove the smell of butchered meat, 59
beautiful,
– sentence, 1
beauty,
– not widely available here in town, 357
– plastic surgery and, 229, 235
– Sting, Elton John, and the interiors
of brand new German cars are
all examples of, according to
Bob Savory, 246
– see also entries under luxury and brilliance
beer,
– Czech, 127
– other (including Guinness), 57, 76, 91, 103, 163
Being,
– and Doing, compared and contrasted, 77
bells!,
– Hell’s, 206
betrayal,
– myriad depressing examples of, 83, 109–110, 133–134, 135n., 147, 283–285, 330–331
Bible, the
– and the Body Shop, 182
– confused with God, 72–73
– How Not to Read, For All It’s Worth, 309–310
– more effective than a hot milky drink, 181
– watching romantic comedies on video instead of studying, 307
bicycle polo, 57
big–headedness, 196–197, 199
birth, 3, 5
– Davey Quinn’s, a disappointment even to himself, 4
biscuits, 29, 37, 90, 195, 210, 307, 316, 325
– are a godsend, 337
blame, 104–105, 152, 253, 284
blasphemy, 32, 188
blind, the
– leading the blind, example of, 71, 90–91, 188
boat,
– push the, out, 61, 64, 198, 301
bondage,
– freedom from, 346
– is hoarse, 216
bones,
– a bag of, 89
– let’s make no, about it, 331
– sticks and stones may break my, 279
– unavailability of from local butchers, 336
books, 28, 52, 65, 108, 150, 165n., 346–347
– as the long alternative route to friendship, 154
– borrowing, 239–240
– business, 143, 244, 245
– self-help, 107, 209
– the best, are usually rhyming, 244
– see also entries under autodidacts and writers
boot,
– put the, in, 110, 331
born,
– again, no good time to be, 75
– to the manor, 152–153, 165
bowels,
– in the, of the Lord, 306
boxing, 90, 100, 276–277
boys,
– will be boys, 193–194, 277–278
brain,
– not apparently in use, 25, 146
– see also entries under idiocy and lechery
breakfast, 91–92
– dog’s, 256
– fried, 57, 193, 336
– see also entries under eating and food
breast,
– making a clean, of it, 345
breathing,
– Benny Goodman’s, the sound of, 289
– intercostal diaphragmatic method of, 300, 351
bribery, 147
bric-a-brac, 48–49, 236, 367–388
brides,
– to-be, 290–291
brilliance,
– currently unavailable, 357
– see also entries under beauty
brooding,
– passages, 14
brothers, 23, 272, 332–333
– see also entries under boys
bulimia, 285
bunkum, 132
burst,
– of eloquence, 16
4
bush,
– let’s not beat about the, 1
business, 19, 141, 224–228, 289
– as usual, 84, 121, 321–322
– favours and, blurring of the distinction between in a small town, 225
butchers,
– see civilization
butter-balls, 88
– see also entries under sweets
buzz, 188–189
– opposite of a rut, 99
cadence,
– lovely 19, 207
calumnious,
– strokes, 277
cancers,
– various, 27, 44, 65, 115, 116, 202, 216, 302n.
cannibalism, 14
cant, 4n., 186n.
capitalism, 117, 136, 175–177, 235–236, 289
capricious,
– introduction of new characters towards end of book, 332–334
caps,
– baseball, 92, 360
– it was all, in them days, 257
captive,
– states, 29, 83, 95, 105, 106, 147, 181, 237, 253, 255
cars, 219, 312
– looking as though you know about, 11
carvery,
– Good Friday, 73–74, 82–83
– see also entries under Easter
catechism, 306n.
catharsis, 114, 213
– readily available, on payment of a small cash fee, 156
Catholicism, 79, 306
– see also entries under priests
cause,
– and effect, 131, 277n.
celebrity, 21
– as a warning and witness to the meaninglessness and transitoriness of human life, 2
– see also entries under show business
champagne,
– of life, gone flat, 29, 111, 255
– see also entries under drink and sparkling white wine
change,
– you must, your life, 180
charity, 350
– bags fiasco, the, 94
charms,
– hellish, Frank Gilbey’s, 225
cheese, 57, 140
– a big, 20
– on toast, 237
childhood, 30, 79, 98, 161–162, 301n., 343
chinos,
– the final humiliation, 182
Chip Crisps, 209n.
chips, 58n.
chiropody,
– recommended as a career, 21 On.
– see also entries under foot
chops, 59, 226, 238, 270
Christmas, 10, 31–36, 200, 241, 313
– decorations, 36
– dinner, 35, 346–347
– snow at, 31
Chunky Butts, 209n.
Chupa-Chups, 221
church,
– declining influence of, 2
– going, 92, 185–186
– Happy, the, 308
– of the Cross and the Passion, 2, 49, 79
– throwing confetti in, 258
chutzpah,
– putting the pah into, Frank Gilbey, 87
cine-films, 161–162
cinemas, 43–44
– home, 28
– long gone and lamented, 41
city, 86, 220, 328
– and empirical questions of essence and existence, 7
– breaks, our equivalent of the Grand Tour, 138–139
– the self and the, 5, 127
civilization,
– butchers and the decline of Western, 17, 59
– celebrated in all its richness and diversity, 56–57
clarity,
– entirely lacking, 99, 131
– Billy Nibbs suddenly acquires, 114
classic,
– the, as a concept, 249
cleaning,
– some money-saving tips on, 335
clergy, 70
– see also entries under priesthood
clever,
– phrase, worth quoting 49, 79, 175
clichés, 238
climbing, 119, 267–268
– see also falling
clothes, 33, 41, 127, 138, 141, 153, 174, 201, 271, 284–285, 286, 288, 335, 347
– suitable for line dancing, 232, 237
– that are pleasing to God, 76
clothing,
– cheap, 193
– dodgy-looking, 92
– minister’s, 76–77, 182
– see also entries under caps, chinos, shoes and underwear
cloud, 70, 195
– has a silver lining, every, 265
– of unknowing, 73n.
cloudcuckooland, 108
clubs, 175, 355–356
coal, 235
cobbling, 312
cocaine, 303
coffee, 57, 57n., 153, 169–170, 220, 234, 324, 337–338
coincidences, 101
– almost unbelievable, 46n.
– totally incredible, 332–366 passim
– see also entries under serendipity
collecting,
– as opposite of experience, 236
college,
– Bible, 80
colour,
– grey, 290
– magnolia, 287
– nylon sheets retain their, 148
– off, 177
– of urine, one of life’s few constants, 4—5
– pink, teal, salmon and peri- winkle, 287
– so-called ‘heritage’, looks like bird-shit, 119
Colour Me Beautiful™, 287
comeliness,
– of phrase 43, 195
committees, 54
– are a cul de sac, 226
common sense, 227–228
communication,
– breaks down, 77, 104–105, 212–213, 232, 262
communism, 117, 196n., 231
– see also entries under pessimism
complacency,
– examples of, 41
condensation,
– mistaken for epiphany, 131
conscience, 41–42
conspiracy, 146–147, 335
– see also entries under plot
consultants,
– management and brand, ridiculed and mocked, 249–250
contraries,
– the importance of maintaining oneself between, 123, 346
controversy, 330
conversation, 1
– extremely limited, examples of, 123, 125, 145, 232, 330–331
conversion, 79–80, 188
Cookson, Catherine,
– triumphant, 240n.
crime,
– doesn’t pay, 94
crisis,
– what crisis? 350
criticism,
– as inevitable as breathing, 325–326
– is bad for the soul, 325–326
cross,
– how to make a, 190–191
– the, as a stumbling block, 192
– used to light fires, Francie McGinn’s, 192
crowd,
– the apparition of these faces in the, 5, 63
cruises, 65, 136
– see also entries under holidays
crust,
– on Mrs Quinn’s meat pie, over-cooked, 124
– outer, nothing much to beef about, 170
– upper, 329–330
crying, 110, 255, 261, 342
culture,
– notes towards the definition of, 164–179
– total lack of, 56–57
dances, 136, 178–179, 203
dancing, 2, 38, 240, 321, 358
– line, 229–242 passim, 347–348
– rock n’roll, 233
Dante Alighieri, 157–158
– LASCIATE OGNI SPERANZA, VOI CH’ENTRATE, in English, 72
daughters,
– polished after the similitude of a palace, 308n.
day-dreams, 93–101 passim, 108, 216–218
dead,
&
nbsp; – being, compared to sitting in a cinema, 44
– difficulty of feeling sympathy for the, 27
–half, 119–120
– you’re not, yet, 180
death, 50–51, 171
– drawing strength from, a terrible truth about, 117
– imminent, and baking, 200
– industrial, 27
– no longer has the clout it used to, 258
– The Book of the, in imitation red vellum, 341
decay, 55–56
decline,
– long, slow and inevitable, 2–366 passim
décor, 206, 355–356
decorating,
– painting and, 62, 72, 88, 109, 119–121, 126–131, 294
déjà vu, 122–123
dejection, 113
Delia Smith’s Christmas, 346
delusions,
– sad and consoling, 51–53, 67–68, 108, 216–218
– see also religion
demystification,
– effects of, 73n., 306–307
De Niro, Robert, 307
depressing,
– truth about life, a, 102
dereliction, 16, 17, 93, 164
– see also entries under death, decay, decline, despair, destruction, or just look around you
desire,
– see shopping,
despair, 29, 110–111, 284
– and U2, 315
destruction, 15–17, 42, 84, 109, 151, 176, 323–324
dialogue, 145–147
diarrhoea, 103, 306
– see also vomiting
DiCaprio, Leonardo, 264
– in short trousers, 307
Dickens,
– a glass raised to, 334
– what the, 269
dignity, 174
disappointments, 93, 326–327, 365
– huge, 4, 110
– not so huge, 240–241
disapproval,
– Mrs Donelly’s silent, 44
disasters, 131
discord, 77
discouragement, 68n. 102
disgrace, 93
disgust, 255
dishonesty, xii
disillusion, 112, 192–194, 344
disintegration, 88–89, 217, 282
dissatisfaction, 241
divorce, 155–156, 302, 305, 309
– lamentable, 344–346
DIY,
– necessity of, turned into a virtue, 127
dog, 100–101, 197
– as an excuse, 262
– Dickensian, 334
– every, has his day, 321n., 329
– fouling controversy, 45
– little cold wet, compared to wind, 270
– looking after a, is a breeze, compared to looking after a child, 45
– owning, and the opportunity to act as a lord of misrule, 45
– scarf knitted from the hair of a dead 2
– With The Kindliest Expression, The 47
dope, 97
down,
– and out, 131
– in the world, come, 362n.
dreams,
– see nightmares
drink, 126, 140, 187, 281, 332, 333, 349, 357
– fashions in, 65
– is not the answer to your problems, 104–105, 111, 116, 163, 255