Ring Road

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Ring Road Page 40

by Ian Sansom


  – refusal of a, as marking out a man, 143

  – see also entries under beer, champagne, Martini, Shloer and wine

  drugs, 90, 171, 172, 208, 364

  – and Chupa-Chup lollies, 221

  – crosswords and, 221

  – see also entries under cocaine, dope and Prozac

  drummers,

  – the usual trouble with, 297

  Duchess of Malfi, The, 325–326

  duffel-coats, 77, 273

  durability,

  – surprising, of well-worn phrases, 239

  duvets, 113, 223n.

  – are always too hot or too cold, 192

  dwarf,

  – ‘The Laughing’, 301

  dying, 314–315

  Dylan, Bob, 74, 75, 150

  – is a myth these days, like Odysseus, 67

  ears,

  – large, as a sign of intelligence, according to a magazine, 287–288

  – wet behind the, 68

  – see also entries under Van Gogh

  Easter, 74

  eating, 238, 255

  economics,

  – a simple lesson in, 224

  ecstasy, 79–80

  editors, 151–153, 162

  – lickspittling, 313–315

  education, 240

  eggs,

  – can’t make an omelette without breaking, 177

  electrocution, 118

  – see also entries under acupuncture

  elegance, 174

  elocution lessons, 300

  Elvis, 139, 239

  embarrassment, 2, 110, 111, 267

  Eminem, 150

  – as an example, 91

  emotions

  – confused with sentimentality, 232

  – how to avoid, if at all possible, 254–255, 264

  – outside the home, 232

  employment,

  – hasty, 126

  ennui, 98–99

  enthusiasm, 2, 71, 135

  – distrusted, 3n., 136, 326

  – exhorted, 315, 326

  Enthusiast, The, 68n.

  envy, 333

  err,

  – to, is human, 344–345

  evil,

  – Banoffee pie symbolises, 324

  – reviewers are, 325–326

  evolution, 102, 172–179

  exaggerations, ix–xii

  exercise, 237

  – videos, 193

  expectations,

  – unfulfilled, 4, 110

  experience, 236–237, 347

  face, 9–10, 235

  – Frank Gilbey’s, is like the sour-dough bread in the River Café Cook Book (One), 138

  – the music, time to, 147, 306–307

  – see also entries under make up, facts, 159–160, 322–323

  – scientific, 113

  failure, 112, 134

  fair,

  – play to you, 19

  faith, 73

  falling, 119

  – see also climbing

  families, 36, 130

  – and Huddersfield, 33

  – disintegration of, 155, 185

  – other people’s, 96

  – size of, 1–2, 273

  fantasy, 77, 98

  – product of grief 217–218

  – see also entries under sex

  fashion,

  – comes and goes, 2

  – failing to keep up with, Francie McGinn’s, 76–77

  – mistakes, for the larger lady, 42

  Father Christmas,

  – as wardrobe assistant, 76

  – Davey Quinn Senior does not believe in, 121

  – Frank Gilbey as, 349–350

  fathers,

  – absent but dominating presence of, 91, 293

  – and fat necks, in profile, 11

  – as genial buffoons, 211

  – eating steak, 293

  – underestimating their children, 223

  – vague, like the Holy Spirit, 208

  – who shout, the damaging long-term effects on children of, 254

  fatness, 74, 86–87

  fear, 181

  feeling,

  – imprecision of, 131, 341

  feminism,

  – and biblical interpretation, 305

  – and rock‘n’roll dancing, 233

  Fiddler on the Roof, The

  – strictly goyische version of, 299–300

  fight, 278

  finger,

  – in every pie, Frank Gilbey has a, 87

  – see also entries under pies/puddings

  fire,

  – redeeming, 364–366

  fish, 198

  flirting, 349

  flood,

  – Great, the, 311

  Florida,

  – terminal illness and, 27

  food, 16–17, 74, 85–86, 98, 121–126, 138, 140, 178, 187, 198, 254, 265, 268, 293

  – Bob’s mum’s, 29–30

  – Christian, 77, 307

  – deserves respect, 252

  – frozen, 200

  – good-intentioned, 199–200

  – implies sex, money and power, 252

  – poets’, is love and fame, 61–64, 108

  – sea, 333

  – see also separate entries under angel delight, avocado, biscuits, breakfast, carvery, chips, Chip Crisps, Christmas dinner, Chunky Butts, Delia Smith’s Christmas, fish, fudge/toffees, garlic, gâteaux, gravy, ham, kebabs, meatloaf/Meatloaf, Mediterranean, pancakes, pies/puddings, potatoes, sand-wiches, saveloys, snacks, Spam, Sunday lunch, sushi, sweets, and waffles

  foot,

  – diseases of the, 193, 210, 230

  forgiveness, 106, 211, 344

  four-letter words, 241

  franchising,

  – the beauty of, 246–248

  freedom, 232–233, 265

  – see also entries under bondage

  freewill,

  – obvious downside to, 83, 306

  freshness, 249

  – problem with, as a concept, Freud, Sigmund, 171

  friends, 158, 292

  – gathered flock of, 62–63

  Friends, 249, 349

  – and its effect on the coffee-buying public, 271–272

  – is at least funny, 234

  friendship,

  – overrated, 280, 315–316

  fruit,

  – forbidden, 83

  frustrations, 54, 99

  fudge,

  – and toffees, 161

  fun, 83, 146, 204

  funerals, 257, 266–267

  futility, 83, 239

  future, 22, 23, 127

  gamblers, 332–334

  garage,

  – archetypal, an, 47

  garden, 4, 283

  – loss of innocence in, 203–204

  – recovery of stolen goods from, 328–329

  garlic,

  – mushrooms, with melted Brie, a passing fad, 272n.

  – the slightest hint of, Mr Donelly can sniff out, 198

  gâteaux,

  – Black Forest, has firmly taken root, 272

  generalities,

  – glittering, xi, 4–5, 180, 367–386

  generosity,

  – can be hard to bear, 25

  gentility, 159

  gift,

  – implies obligations, 4

  glamour, 174, 238

  God,

  – clearly has a sense of humour, 70–71

  – closest thing to, is the sound of Enya and a running bath, 182

  – displays an apparent lack of interest in the workings of local councils, 71

  – has an excellent three tone resonance, 303

  – in the world of the sandwich, Bob Savory is like, 143

  – is absent from the high seas, 50

  – Is Dead, according to Nietzsche, and Gerry Malone, 32

  – is like broadband radio, 303

  – is like the weather, 70

  – i
s on extended sabbatical, 32

  – pissing directly onto car, 11

  – plucking at an eyebrow, 11

  good,

  – unequivocal, the 38

  goodness, 50

  – boring aspects of, 210

  gossip, 1–366

  government,

  – local, 196n.

  grammarians,

  – amateur, 317

  grandeur,

  – et misère, 29, 83, 314–315

  grandfathers, 130–131

  gravy,

  – simple lesson concerning, and worth repeating, 29

  grief, 104–105, 171, 211, 254–255

  – feels like indigestion, 260

  – stages of, 340–341

  grins, 63, 245, 276, 288

  – see also entries under smile and smirks

  gripes,

  – as bad as Achilles, 240

  groves,

  – of Academe, 3n.

  gyms,

  – and clubs, 358

  – private, are cleaner than council Leisure Centres, 230

  habits,

  – heaven gives us, to take the place of happiness, 28, 56, 91, 306–307

  Hackman, Gene,

  – Frank Gilbey looks a bit like, 140

  hair, 180, 184–185, 348

  half-truths, ix–xii

  Halloween, 284

  ham,

  – addicted to, Billy Nibbs is, 56

  – not often in the house, 30

  – posted in an envelope, ix

  – writing as, ix

  handwriting,

  – inadequacies in, 34, 249

  – see also entries under signatures

  hap,

  – what hap may, 331

  happiness,

  – rabbits and, 97–98

  – see also entries under habits

  hatred, 114

  health,

  – at least you’ve got your, 355

  heaven, 346

  hell, 274, 310

  heroes, 148, 197

  high,

  – seriousness, total lack of, ix–388 passim

  hippies, 187, 256–257

  history,

  – burden of, 31, 130131

  – local, 161–162

  – PMP (pre-mobile phone), 31

  hobbies, 236

  hobby-horses,

  – ridden, 14, 29, 84, 135, 172–173, 202, 258

  holidays, 25, 308

  – see also cruises and travelling

  Holy Spirit, the,

  – descends upon the Baptists, 189

  – is off-duty, 83, 181

  – the sin against, 323

  home, 9, 10n., 24–25, 47–49, 93, 206

  – improvements, 48

  hopes,

  – dashed, 110–111

  – wild and unreasonable, 5, 95–96, 345

  horses, 334

  hospitality, 30, 34–35, 57, 154

  humiliation,

  – art is born of, 90, 155–156

  – examples of, 69, 83, 110, 131, 143

  humility, 195

  husbands, 35, 82, 91, 115, 213

  hygiene,

  – personal, 59, 108, 182

  hymns,

  – deep theological confusion and repressed sexual longings in, 65–66

  idiocy, 103, 167n.

  ignorance, 260

  illness,

  – the whole point of, according to Bob Savory, 253

  imagination, 205, 217, 230, 273

  immortality, 218

  impervious, the

  – the impassive, and the imperturbable, 313

  inadequacy, 133

  inarticulate, the,

  – raids on, 52, 53, 99, 216–218

  – see also entries under feeling, imprecision of

  inciting,

  – incident, 1

  inheritance, 160–161

  injury, 6, 12, 115–121

  innocence, 4, 33

  inspiration, 66–67, 91, 307

  interminable,

  – passages, necessary to the plot, 54, 225–226

  intimacy, 180–181

  intrigue,

  – attempts at, 30, 131, 147, 295

  investments,

  – value of, may fall as well as rise, reminder that, 221

  jazz, 57

  – and Sunday lunch, 90–91

  Jehovah’s,

  – Witnesses, 5–6

  – see also entries under God, Jesus and religion

  Jesus, 52, 352

  – preference in kitchen work-surfaces, conjectured, 77–78

  – probably would have been a fidgety audience, 304

  – telling jokes, 37

  journalists, 314–315

  justification,

  – by faith alone, 71–72

  – see also entries under virtue

  Kant, Immanuel,

  – Critique of Practical Reason, 3

  kebabs, 59, 124

  kindness,

  – milk of human, 200

  kisses, 77, 113, 364

  kitchens,

  – empty, 48

  – kosher, 78, 86

  – middle-class, 122

  – standard of, in private rented accommodation, 93

  – unutterably depressing, 122

  knitting, 2

  – see also entries under woolly hat

  knives, 22–23

  knowledge,

  – carnal, 181

  – is strength, 114

  – scientific, 113

  – what to do with, 343

  Korea,

  – Bobbie Dylan is big in, 75

  language,

  – foreign, (French), 236, 300

  – foreign, (Italian), 3n., 39–40

  – prison-house of, 39, 71, 123n.

  lechery, 82, 83

  liberality, 82, 83

  library,

  – you should really support your local, 239–240

  life,

  – friends, is boring, 210

  – ‘is hard’, unhelpful statement of obvious truth that, 98

  – secrets of a long and happy, 116

  – ‘this is the’, 138

  literary,

  – failure, feels like a kicking, 111

  literature,

  – like Guinness, is good for you, 64

  loathing, 153

  – self, 29, 95, 112, 211, 284, 306

  local, 19

  logic, 78

  – diabolical, 227–228

  London, 10

  – availability of funny spaghetti, truffle oils, and novelty cheeses in, 29

  – Hell is a city much like, 5, 7

  – Mrs Gilbey cannot see the point of, frankly, 138

  – teenage ambitions to visit, in order to visit Soho, 22

  loss,

  – of luggage, 7–8

  luxury, 37

  – in short supply, 357

  – see also entries under beauty, biscuits and brilliance

  magnificence,

  – examples of, 2, 38, 83, 112, 169

  make-up, 76, 193

  – see also entries under face

  malevolence, 227–228

  mal-talent,

  – example of, 94

  manure, 283, 285

  marriage, 36–37, 77, 89–90, 180–181, 213–214, 267, 315

  – and paranoia, 95

  – and Reformation theology, 307

  martini, 116

  – dry, best in the world, 65

  massive

  – desire to be, 95–96, 108

  meaninglessness,

  – and transitoriness of human life, 2, 102

  meatloaf/ Meat Loaf, 302n.

  Mediterranean,

  – the weather is, almost, 115

  – goat’s cheese tartlets, warm, 272n.

  memory, 7–8, 97, 173–174, 266, 341, 343

  men,

  – all sorts and conditions of,
35, 135–137, 182–183

  – and women, are not the same, 177, 211

  – ruined, 22

  – smell of, the, 58, 281, 288

  menu,

  – suggested, for a week, 124

  metaphysical, the, 7

  mistakes, 68

  mistrust, 92

  misunderstanding, 13, 212, 345

  modesty, 73, 195

  – false, xi

  money, 3n., 13, 14, 19, 26, 68, 138, 175, 195, 221, 224, 237, 301, 362–363

  – how to make, 91, 110, 113, 117, 120

  – Tourette’s syndrome and, 145

  moped,

  – Mr Donelly’s Honda 50, 47–48

  Moses, 297

  mothers, 93, 159, 223, 255, 260–261, 266

  music, 7–8, 41, 66–67, 90, 99–100, 135, 149n., 174–175, 212, 289, 363–364

  – Christian rock, 74–76, 186, 296–298, 351–352

  – country and western, 10, 105, 230–231

  – gangsta rap, 91

  – on cassette, 8

  – sweet spiritual, 79, 82

  – see also entries under Eminem, meatloaf/Meatloaf, musicals

  musicals, 2, 43

  names, 88, 220, 271

  navels,

  – contemplation of, 26, 53

  neighbours, 49, 328

  New Age, 207

  – loofahs, etc., 107, 209

  newspapers, 4

  – and the six essential questions, 319

  – The Daily Mail, 93, 226

  – The Guardian, 221n., 225

  – The Impartial Recorder, 63, 84, 87, 95, 103–104, 114, 133, 149–152, 192, 278, 298, 311–331 passim, 348, 350, 352–354

  – The Sunday Times, 127, 221n., 319

  Newton-John, Olivia, 299

  New York,

  – is Frank Gilbey’s kind of town, 138–139

  – this is certainly not, 271, 356

  New Yorker, The, 316, 321

  Nicomachean Ethics, 3

  Nietzsche, Friedrich,

  – Beyond Good and Evil, 3

  – guide to pronunciation, 32

  nightmares, 104, 110

  nostalgia,

  – isn’t what it used to be, 8, 29–30, 129, 159, 177, 197, 215, 276, 319

  novels,

  – reading, ix–xii

  – writing, ix–xii

  occupations,

  – perished, 15–17

  optimism,

  – see pessimism

  paint, 191

  – magnolia, 271

  – see also entries under decorating

  pancakes,

  – Findus Crispy, 122

  parents, 122–123, 158–159, 253

  – a grown man thrown upon mercy of his, 62

  Paris,

  – not making it quite as far as, 165

  passages,

  – of good style, 14, 45, 137–138

  past, the, 15, 17, 19, 137

  – is history, according to Frank Gilbey, 179

  – has a long memory, 9

  pathetic,

 

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