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Ring Road

Page 41

by Ian Sansom


  – excuses, 22, 251–252

  – fallacy, 18, 54, 110

  pathos, 49–54 passim, 336

  pessimism, ix–366 passim

  – socialism and, 196

  – see also entries under communism

  pessimist

  – secret hopes of a, 148–149

  Philosophy for Beginners, 3n., 7n., 32n., 73n., 125n., 250n.

  photographs, 2–3, 103–104, 136, 329, 353–354

  – blurred, 63, 151

  – in family albums, 130

  – wonky, 298

  piano,

  – stories, 79–80, 160

  pies/puddings, 87, 121, 124–126, 313

  pious, the,

  – are more difficult to forgive than the average sinner, 106

  pity, 255

  platitudes, 25

  Plato, 125

  – ‘Phaedrus, commodity fetishism, and our symbolic lives and psychic habits’, 32

  plot,

  – thickens, the, 141

  – see also entries under conspiracy

  plumbing, 102

  poems, 244

  poetry,

  – Billy Nibbs’s, 61, 67–68

  politics, 41–42

  politicians, 43, 196n.

  popcorn, 43, 44

  potatoes, 70, 101

  – Mystery, recipe for, 124

  – perfect roast, how to cook, 29

  – see also entries under chips, Chip Crisps, food and snacks

  prayer, 31, 53

  – compared to sex and saying thank you, x

  preaching, 71, 81–82, 187–188

  prejudice, 312n.

  priesthood,

  – fantasy of becoming a member of the, Francie McGinn’s, 77

  – peculiar satisfactions of the, 267

  – see also entries under Catholicism and clergy

  profundity,

  – drunken, 111–113

  progress, 84, 133–134, 151, 177, 186–188, 222, 245–246, 319, 323–324

  Protestant,

  – quiff, and drainpipe trousers, a, 42

  – an unstinting, example of, 44

  Prozac, 320

  publishers,

  – lies and venality of, 68, 109–110

  pubs, 35, 61–65

  Pullman, Philip,

  – problem of evil in the work of, 157

  – see also entries under autodidacts

  quality, 172

  – consistency and, 247

  quiet,

  – desperation, 82, 97, 239, 255

  queuing,

  – as a vital sign, 85

  rabbit,

  – senseless killing of a, 98

  rain,

  – drizzle, 70, 119

  – midsummer, 102

  – molested by, 15

  – playing timpani, 296

  – sheeting down, 11

  rat,

  – giant, 343

  reading, 239, 240

  regret, 137

  religion, 53n., 71–83 passim

  – as a disease, 142

  – see also delusions

  religious,

  – but not good, 82

  – doubt, and Hormone Replacement Therapy, 37

  – revival, rumours of a, 188–189

  reporterese, 314–315

  resilience, 285

  resolve, 13, 114

  responsibility,

  – in dreams begins, 41–42, 163

  restaurant,

  – French, 198

  – Irish-themed, 24

  – Wong’s Chinese, 117

  return,

  – of the prodigal, 1–18, 126

  risk, 301

  road,

  – common, the, 22

  – middle of the, 150

  – ring, 1ff.

  roads,

  – how many, must a man, 150

  – diverged in a wood, two, 13, 83

  rock,

  – between a, and a hard place, 181

  rot,

  – inwardly, 133, 216–218, 254–255

  rubbish, 224n.

  – modern life is, 17–18, 238, 258, 335

  – stench of, 55

  rut, a, 26

  – is the opposite of a buzz, 99

  sacrifice,

  – too long a, 77, 237

  saddest,

  – tale, arguably, 318n.

  sainthood,

  – and tea-making, 91

  salads, 77, 196, 237

  Salinger, J.D.,

  – author of the greatest work of twentieth-century fiction, allegedly, 156–157

  – see also entries under autodidacts

  salmon of knowledge, the, 275

  salt,

  – pinch of, 37

  – of the earth, 13

  sandwiches, 21, 23–24, 64, 85, 248–249

  – and capitalism, 246

  Santayana, George, 31

  saveloys, 170n.

  savings, pensions and investments, 221

  scapegoat, 135

  scene-setting, 14

  scholarship,

  – and homeless despondency, 73n.

  school, 132–137

  seasons,

  – the four, 243

  second income,

  – fish-fingers and, 195

  self-absorption, 204

  self-conceit, 108

  self-control, 143, 264

  – complete lack of, 83, 216–218, 278

  self-deception, 5, 40, 310

  self-entrenchment, 155–156

  self-esteem, 158

  – new shower unit and, 102

  self-impersonation, 20–21, 279

  self-invention, 5, 22–23, 37, 88, 137–138, 142, 165, 242, 279, 286

  serendipity, 327

  – see also entries under coincidences

  seventh son, the

  – of a seventh son, evidence of God’s amusement, 4

  sex, 143–144, 170, 205, 306

  – and teaching your grandmother to suck eggs, 181

  – compared to prayer and saying thank you, x

  – money, and death, 171

  – Rotary Club raffle sounds like telephone, 291

  – shop, first and probably the last, 183n.

  shame,

  – ER, Sex and the City, and Sebastian Faulks’s Birdsong excite a sense of, 75

  sheets,

  – nylon, 148

  – soiled, 104

  Shloer, 213

  shoes, 33, 84–85, 288, 291

  – princess, 286

  shopping, 172, 236

  – and funerals, 263

  shopping mall, the

  – arguments in favour of, 289, 338–339

  – depressing aspects of, 18, 238, 289

  shops, 16–18, 84–89, 183, 202, 276, 312, 338

  shout,

  – how to, without getting a sore throat, 300

  show business, 299, 302–303

  showing off,

  – see entries under show business and writing

  signatures, 248–249

  – sudden recognitions and revelations connected to, 130–131, 242, 295

  signs, 23, 72, 73, 81, 190, 244–245, 252, 310

  – and wonders, 80

  silence,

  – his mind moves upon, 26, 53, 103

  – the rest is, 366

  silent

  – melancholy, the, of the plumber, 102–103

  Silicon Valley,

  – our very own, 245

  sins, 306–307

  Sisyphus, 250

  sleet, 44, 54

  small town, 14, 55, 230, 333, 345

  – compared to city, 7, 127, 328

  – compared to country, 152

  Smart, Elizabeth,

  – By Grand Central Station I Sat Down And Wept, a surprising success among the older ladies in town, 240n.

  smile, 21, 288, 315

  – beatific, not very convincing, 274r />
  – how to, without feeling happy, 300

  – philosophical, example of, 8

  – see also entries under grins and smirks

  smirks, 277

  smoking, 11, 97, 204, 208, 215, 308, 332, 333, 364

  – kills, 116

  snacks,

  – between meals, inadvisability of, 209n.

  – see also entries under food, Chip Crisps and Chunky Butts

  snow, 31, 332–333

  society,

  – there is such a thing as, pudding as proof that, 125

  sociology,

  – town’s only degree in, 3n.

  Sodom and Gomorrah,

  – skateboarding and, 308

  solicitors,

  – aspersions cast upon, 60

  soul,

  – the awakened, 101

  soup,

  – chicken and celery, recipe for, 123

  – lentil, 307

  – primal, 102

  Spam,

  – Hawaii and, 140n.

  sparkling white wine, 81

  standards,

  – the difficulty of maintaining, 83, 212

  status, 19, 38, 42, 108

  storm,

  – the gathering, 54, 69, 114, 242

  success, 19, 39, 108, 117, 120, 138, 235

  – cast-iron guaranteed secrets of, 250–251

  suicide, 4, 197n.

  Sunday,

  – lunch, 29, 90–91, 319

  sunflowers,

  – Van Gogh’s, evidence of the unendingness of art, 111–112

  sunshine, 55, 70, 115, 180, 207

  sushi,

  – and Christian guilt, 307

  sweets, 87–88, 149

  – see also entries under butter-balls

  System, The, 248

  tan,

  – the St. Tropez, 40

  tea, 91, 116, 149, 153, 265

  – and wine, 124–125

  teacher,

  – ‘career’, euphemism for, 134

  – English, 63–64

  – leather-jacket wearing, readyrubbed rolling, 66

  – Music, 135n.

  teenagers, 261

  teeth, 21

  – Monica Hawkins’s father’s, true story about, 46n.

  – Clarence Kemp’s, true story about, 318n.

  television,

  – is a huge comfort, 28

  – Morecambe and Wise on, 36

  – programmes, inheriting other people’s, 337

  – stool, the, 122

  – wide screen, 127

  temptation,

  – and the smell of barbecued meats, 83

  – is Christmas in Tenerife, 194 texting, 31, 74

  – a guide to Christian, 32n.

  themes,

  – disowning of, xi

  – residual evidence of, Iff

  time,

  – and money 120–121, 251

  – ‘Wounds All Heels’, 312

  ‘Too much pudding will choke the dog’, 169n.

  tragic, the, 103, 314-315

  travellers,

  – and the pool of Narcissus, 139

  – are tourists in other people’s reality, 356

  – change climates, not conditions, 264

  True Christian Manliness,

  – the Boy’s Brigade and, 141

  truth,

  – is very probably non-existent, 162–163

  Twain, Shania,

  – video, as an aid to communicating effectively to the church’s young people, 83

  twilight,

  – the coming of a universal, 15–18, 29, 54, 100–101, 107

  ukuleles, 231

  underwear 39, 269

  unhappiness,

  – irreducible, 29, 82, 154, 238, 255

  upholstery,

  – as a business, 118

  – limits of, as a hobby, 236

  urine, 5, 207, 306

  Van Gogh, Vincent, 112

  – see also entries under sunflowers

  velocity,

  – maintaining, importance of, 13, 18, 54

  violence, 63, 105, 278

  Virgin Birth, 52

  – unorthodox view of, 53

  Virgin Mary, 52

  – business advice from the, 120

  – hanging out the Christ child’s clothes, 53

  – plaque, 49

  virtue,

  – examples of, 49–50, 64, 195, 200

  vision,

  – see delusions

  vomiting, 58, 103

  – see also diarrhoea

  vulgarity, 43, 63–64

  waffles, 336–337

  wages, 251

  – the, of sin is death, 183

  waiter,

  – forgotten arts of the, 301

  wallets, 14, 120

  wallpaper, 128–131

  walls,

  – of Jericho, 297

  war,

  – First World, 311

  – Second World, 173–174

  wart-charming, 275

  waste,

  – the, even in a fortunate life, 29, 347

  weather,

  – about the, 1, 11, 31, 55, 70, 84, 102, 115, 132, 164, 180

  – more about the, 195, 207, 219, 243, 256, 270, 296, 311, 332, 366

  weddings, 89–90, 213, 258, 285–286

  wife,

  – is the key of the house, 267

  wild oats,

  – sowing of, 83, 204–205

  wills, 59–60

  wind, 19, 270–271

  windscreen-wipers, 11–12

  wine, 75, 88, 140

  – and tea, 124–125

  Winterson, Jeanette,

  – having read, and yet still having to work in an in-store bakery, the unfairness of, 215–216

  wolf in sheep’s clothing, a, 141

  wooing, 294–295

  woolly,

  – hat, for seamen, the knitting pattern for, 50

  women,

  – role of, in the New Testament, 305

  – who have never had their colours done, 291–292

  work, 92, 285

  – donkey, 61–62, 128–129

  – kills you, 115–116, 172, 251

  – nice, 89, 288–289

  world,

  – end of the, 197

  worship, 79, 186

  writers, 156–157, 240

  – arrogant, xi

  – baseless hopes of, 154

  – bullying, xi

  – done up in fancy clothes, 110–111

  – self-regarding, ix–xii

  – wilful and selfish individuals, x

  writing, 324

  – the, is on the wall, 130–131

  yearning, 29–30, 108

  yes,

  – an enormous, 366

  zeal,

  – without knowledge, 164–166, 309–310

  Zeitgeist,

  – author clearly au fait with the, 32, 91, 363–364

  Acknowledgements

  For previous acknowledgements see The Truth about Babies (Granta Books, 2002), pp. 335–7. These stand. In addition I would like to thank the following. (The previous terms and conditions apply: some of them are dead; most of them are strangers; the famous are not friends; none of them bears any responsibility.) I am particularly grateful to The Enthusiast.

  The Alabama 3, Janet and Allen Ahlberg, Mulk Raj Anand, Gerry Anderson, Aharon Appelfeld, Robert Alter, Diane Arbus, Louis Armstrong, Matthew Arnold, Roger Ascham, Clement Attlee, Erich Auerbach, Edward L. Ayers Jr, Ronnie Barker, Mel Bartholomew, Susan Wise Bauer, the Be Good Tanyas, Simon Russell Beale, Richard Beckinsale, Derek Bell, Hilaire Belloc, Arnold Bennett, Irving Berlin, Rodney Bewes, Lexy Bloom, Dirk Bogarde, Paul F. Boiler Jr, George Borrow, Louise Bourgeois, David Bowman, Myrtle Brown, Sir Thomas Browne, Kurt Brungardt, Gavin Bryars, Robert Burton, Aldo Buzzi, Café Brazilia, Abraham Cahan, Sandra Calder, Stephen Calder, Calexico, Betsy Cameron, David Cannadine, Frank Capra
, Joe Carey, Anthony Caro, Harry Carpenter, Humphrey Carpenter, David Carradine, Jim Carrey, Alison Carson, Charlie Carson, Ciaran Carson, the Carter Family, Nick Cave, CBBC Scotland, Paul Celan, Anton Chekhov, G. K. Chesterton, Nick Clarke, George Clooney, J. M. Coetzee, Nik Cohn, Eddie Condon and his Band, Caroline Cooper, Mr and Mrs Cooper, Mrs Conville, Henry Cooper, Brendan Cormican, Ben Cove, Miles Coverdale, Jim Crace, Mr and Mrs Cromie, David Dabydeen, Nick Davies, Sara Davies, Les Dawson, Peter Day, Richard Deacon, Daniel Defoe, Iris DeMent, Govindas Vishnoodas Desani, John Dewey, Hugo Duncan, Dave Eggers, Barbara Ehrenreich, Ralph Ellison, Lucy Ellmann, D. J. Enright, The Enthusiast, Bill Evans, Gil Evans, Lee Evans, John Evelyn, Robert Faggen, Frantz Fanon, Ronald Firbank, Carol Fitzsimmons, Richard Flanagan, John Florio, Northrop Frye, Janice Galloway, Ray Galton and Alan Simpson, Dr Gaston, Malcom Gladwell, Philip Glass, Brian Glover, Nikolai Gogol, Ray Gosling, Antonio Gramsci, Mark Gray, Anna Greene, Davey Greene, Jane Greene, Jenny Greene, Sophie Greene, Jane Greenwood, Alec Guinness, the Tyrone Guthrie Centre, Reg Gutteridge, Christine Hall, Terry Hall, Sophie Harrison, Alethea Hayter, Hannah Henderson, Werner Herzog, Christopher Hitchens, Peter Hitchens, Eric Hobsbawm, David Hockney, Courtney Hodell, Min Hogg, A. M. Homes, Rachel Hooper, Irving Howe, Susan Howe, Victor Hugo, T. E. Hulme, Julian Humphries, Tilly Hunt, Kenneth T. Jackson, Kevin Jackson, C. L. R. James, Sid James, Skip James, Tove Jansson, Richard Jefferies, Justine Jordan, John B. Keane, Alice Kessler-Harris, Khaled, the Sir James Kilfedder Memorial Trust, Roy Kinnear, Victor Klemperer, Ivan Klima, Eric Korn, Karl Kraus, Kronos Quartet, Andrey Kurkov, Jean de La Fontaine, John Lahr, Le Corbusier, Kim Lenaghan, Daniel Libeskind, the staff of the Linenhall Library, Belfast, Professor Longhair, Edna Longley, Michael Longley, Robin Lustig, George McAuley, Peter McDonald, Robert MacFarlane, Rev. F. W. McGee, Liam McIlvanney, Cherrie McIlwaine, McKeown’s, James MacMillan, Dr McNutt, Ian McTear, Bernard Malamud, Neeraj Malhotra, Sir Thomas Malory, David Mamet, Greil Marcus, Marcel Mauss, Vladimir Mayakovsky, Jonathan Meades, Arthur Mee, Johnny Mercer, Billy Miskimmin, Trevor Miskimmin, Eugenio Montale, Eric Morecambe, William Morris, Grandma Moses, Frank Muir, Randy Newman, Michael Newton, Red Nichols, Lorine Niedecker, Catherine O’Dolan, Charles Olson, Peter Owen, Camille Paglia, Tom Paulin, Nicholas Pearson, Itzhak Perlman, Harold Pinter, Sadie Plant, Cole Porter, Robert Potts, Francis Poulenc, Philip Pullman, Gordon Ramsey, the Redskins, Dan Rhodes, Charlie Rich, Jonathon Richman, Richard Rorty, Jonathan Rose, Leonard Rossiter, Julian Rothenstein, Josiah Royce, John Ruskin, Mark Russell, Edward W. Said, Will Salmon, Sampson’s Cycles, Robert Sandall, Ted Sansom, Gerald Scarfe, András Schiff, Ben Schott, Kurt Schwitters, David Sedaris, Richard Sennett, Doctor Seuss, John Seymour, Shakira, Verity Sharp, Carol Shields, Sho’Nuff Records, Roger Scruton, Aura Sibisan, Mike Skinner, Christopher Smart, Smylie’s Sectional Buildings, Sharon Smith, Stevie Smith, Muggsy Spanier, the Specials, Johnny Speight, Francis Spufford, Graham Swift, Jonathan Swift, Jeremy Taylor, Tesco.com (Knocknagoney), Edward Thomas, Irene Thomas, Rosie Thomas, Rosie Thornton, Peter Townend, Louise Tucker, William Tyndale, Ralph Vaughan Williams, Geza Vermes, Gina Vitelli, David Wardle, Steve Wasserman, Evelyn Waugh, Tim Westwood, David Wheatley, E. B. White, Hugh Fearnley Whittingstall, David Widgery, Norman Wisdom, Ernie Wise, P. G. Wodehouse, Stevie Wonder, Usa Yardley, Rafi Zabor, Israel Zangwill, Slavoj zizek.

 

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