Dear NSA: A Collection of Politically Incorrect Short Stories

by Harmon Cooper

  Only one hacker, a teen known as Tig-o-Bitties – TigBit for short – could take on Healy and his henchmen.

  TigBit and the Chinese Firewall

  TigBit grew up hacking. He wasn’t like his peers, other teens on 4Chan who tried to hack into the Pentagon or take down the North Korean Government. TigBit was old school. He’d modified an Altair 8800,[30] miraculously upgrading the dinosaur to the point that it could run Windows 10. He’d painstakingly reconstructed Babbage’s differential machine just for the hell of it and named it Ada. He built a mouse out of toilet paper, clock pieces and a restaurant menu. He’d even built his own microprocessor, albeit crude, that resembled Intel’s 8080 processor from the seventies.

  TigBit wasn’t just a hardware guy. He was a coding wizard, mastering BASIC and COBOL at the age of five. It took him hours to build what other coders built in weeks. TigBit worked in blasts of hacking which he called ragers. A rager could last anywhere from fifteen hours to thirty hours depending on his mood. [31] He was fueled solely by Kool Aid packets, which he liked to pour out on his hand and lick. If he felt a downswing in energy, he’d make a six shot espresso (with the espresso machine he’d built), pour it over a brownie, crack an egg on top and eat the concoction.

  In a twist of fate no one could have seen coming, TigBit was the first person the President of the United States contacted when the internet was completely shut down. By this time, Healy was living on an island in international waters and RedPill and BluePill had gone into hiding. TigBit took the call from his basement. The following is a transcript of the call, taken from the President’s memoir:[32]

  President: Is this TigBit?

  TigBit: Speaking.

  President: I’m contacting you because of your skill with computers.

  TigBit: I do have those. Yes.

  President: As you know, the internet has been completely shut down for a few days now. I haven’t gotten my Netflix yet…

  TigBit: Sorry to hear that, sir. I probably should tell you that the internet isn’t completely shut down, but even the above average hacker will have problems logging in. I repeat – Healy didn’t shut it down. He simply made it impossible to log on.

  President: You’re getting too technical for me!

  TigBit: I repeat. He didn’t shut it down; he made it impossible to log on.

  President: OK, that’s enough technical jargon. I’m calling because our team of computer experts at the FBI suggested I contact you.

  TigBit: How do they know about me?

  President: I can brief you on this later. We need you to get to DC pronto!

  TigBit: Airports have been shut down over the last few days because airlines don’t know how to run their systems without using computers.

  President: I’m aware of this. In exactly one hour, a helicopter will land in your cul-de-sac. I’d like you to get on this helicopter and come to DC. TigBit, the American people need you.

  TigBit: You scratch my back, I’ll scratch yours.

  President: What’s that?

  TigBit: If I help the American government, I want you to make an amendment to the Constitution that will keep the federal government’s hands off the internet. I also want you to declare access to the internet a basic human right. Finally, I want to form a taskforce to hack the Chinese internet service providers, allowing all Chinese people free access to the internet.

  President: The first two I can do. The final request… why… this could be considered an act of war!

  TigBit: China holds too much of our debt to go to war with us. A war with the US would simply crumble their economy. They may be angry, but they won’t do anything. They’re pussies.

  President: Please, mind your language TigBit! How do you know all this anyway?

  TigBit: Because my parents are Chinese immigrants and I see how easily they’ve adapted. Just because people have access to the internet, doesn’t mean they’ll be waving Free Tibet flags and downloading videos of that dude getting run over in Tiananmen Square. Paranoid is as paranoid does!

  President: But how do you know this will work?

  TigBit: Dammit, Mr. President, this isn’t the time for redundant questioning!

  President: And if their government simply shuts down the internet?

  TigBit: Let’s focus here!

  President: But it was your idea…

  TigBit: What was my idea?

  President: Disrupting Chinese politics by allowing free access to the internet through the disruption of their firewall!

  TigBit: Yes! That’s what we’ll do. The Great Firewall of China must come down! Bring down that wall, Mr. President!

  President: Get ahold of yourself, man! China isn’t the enemy here, Broderick Healy is! The internet is essentially shutdown!

  TigBit: There are many enemies to the internet, including Comcast, China, Russia, the NSA, AT&T and Time Warner, but that’s not what is important. Stopping Healy is what is important. So, Mr. President, do we have a deal?

  President: Fine. The helicopter is on its way.

  The HCF Task Force

  The narrative takes an interesting turn after TigBit created his Healy-China Firewall, or HCF, Task Force. The HCF Task Force relocated to Seattle, under the watchful eyes of Bill Gates, who was also interested in cracking Healy’s global hack.[33]

  Bill Gates was instrumental in the early technological development of the HCF Task Force. While the world thought he was somewhere in Sub-Sahara Africa curing disease (which he was), he was also developing some of the most powerful software ever known to man. On the first page of the book, Gates and TigBit: Heroes of Code, Enemies of Healy: A Memoir, one of the engineers on their team named Phuck Aducke (French-Vietnamese origin), explained what it was like to work with the two men, one a hacker, one a billionaire:

  I don’t know if I would call them geniuses. Any man can be a genius if he dedicates his life to his task. Most men are buffoons because they spend the majority of their time thinking of places to jab with their penises, that or sport games which they have no direct control over.

  Critics will argue that Gates and TigBit had different goals. Gates wanted to reopen the internet for business because much of Microsoft’s projected revenues could only be reached through global internet access. TigBit wanted to stop Healy too, but he was also interested in bringing down China’s control over their media. Gates only became interested in the Chinese firewall after TigBit calculated how much money he would make if Chinese people could access Microsoft products and information freely. ‘I’ll be able to cure every disease in the world!’ Gates is quoted as saying.[34]

  After their formation, the HCF Task Force set about locating RedPill and BluePill, the men partially responsible for the viral video hack spread by Healy. As soon as their locations were revealed, the US Government sent a Task Force to apprehend the two suspects.

  BluePill’s Interrogation

  RedPill and BluePill[35] were born and raised in the Punjab. Their parents were devout Sikhs who had never used the internet before. Their father owned a wheat farm somewhere on the outskirts of Amritsar. When questioned about his children’s role in the global internet shut down, he said, ‘Dismantling the internet is something that will benefit all of humanity. I’ve lived my entire life as a poor farmer. What has the internet ever done for me? Why should I care about the internet or those involved with it? Can the internet water my crops? No. Can the internet sell my wheat to a company in Delhi? No. Can the internet do anything aside from distracting young people? I don’t know. I’ve never used the internet. If I had known my sons were so heavily involved with internet, I would have arranged marriages for them.’[36]

  Through a Joint Task Force with the Indian Army (which hardly did anything aside from supply the American Marines unlimited trips to the chow hall and unlimited trips directly to a line of squat toilets following every meal), RedPill and BluePill were quickly apprehended. They were extradited to America under a new provision of the Patriot Act, which allowed Am
erica to apprehend subjects globally that they deemed a threat to their citizens (Remember: thousands of Americans had committed suicide due to the Internet blackout).

  After an afternoon of waterboarding, rectal feeding, listening to Metallica nonstop and other forms of torture mastered under the Bush Administration, BluePill finally explained how they had shut down the internet. The following transcript was provided under duress:

  BluePill: Stop sticking food in my ass! What the fuck is wrong with you people!?

  Homeland Security Agent: How did you do it? How did you shut down the internet!

  BluePill: I won’t tell!

  Homeland Security Agent: Again ------,[37] more food! More rectal feeding!

  BluePill: No! It hurts! Please!

  Homeland Security Agent: How did you do it? Tell us how you did it and I’ll take the tube out of your ass.

  BluePill: Fine! I’ll tell (sobbing). I’ll tell you anything you want. It was… it was my brother’s idea!

  Homeland Security Agent: You’ll have to do better than that, BluePill. Feed him again! More food!

  BluePill: No! OK! OK! I’ll tell you how we did it. Please, leave my anus alone!

  How They Did It

  I suppose there could be a better title for this section, but the four words above will have to do for now. The point of this section is for you to understand the basics of what Healy and his henchmen did. For the techless at heart, I’ll keep the language simple and I’ll try and wrap it up in a few paragraphs.

  Let’s again focus on Broderick Healy, and the way he maneuvered his way to the top of the Tech industry. It was through his constant questioning that Healy discovered what was essentially the Internet’s kill switch. It all began with the Communications Act of 1934, which gave the President control over the media under times of crisis. Now if you remember correctly, or if your grandparents remember correctly, there was no internet in the 1930s. However, there were forms of the internet in the 1960s, which the American Government became heavily invested in. Weary of the impending digital age, a program was created under the Nixon Administration to investigate a kill switch for “future phone-line based communication methods”.[38] Fast forward twenty years and the internet kill switch was born. In a rare case of government foresight, the director off the program, Derrick Koch Gobbler, decided to move the switch from analog (a red button somewhere) to digital (a red button that could be anywhere).

  The internet kill switch became as clickable as a “like” or “share” button.

  Once Healy discovered this, he spent half his fortune trying to recreate a button that, when pressed, would permanently disable internet access.[39] He was at his wit’s end when he met RedPill and BluePill on 4Chan. The two brothers provided the missing ingredient in Healy’s plot and soon, his cancer images were being shared all around the world. Every time his images were shared or the link was clicked, a new kill switch button was propagated. At this point it became a virus on a person’s computer and before shutting down the internet, it infiltrated the person’s social networks starting with Facebook and Frogfeet, eventually infecting everyone associated with that person.[40]

  The only thing the Kill Switch Virus couldn’t get past was the Chinese firewall.

  The Reverse Engineering Heard ‘Round the World

  Once Gates and TigBit understood what Healy had created, the HCF Task Force in Seattle had a meeting over burritos that has since become famous. The burritos, delivered by a drone delivery company called DroneRitos, are said to be what inspired Gates to stand on the table and shout: “We’ll reverse engineer the crap out of the Kill Switch Button! Now give me my burrito, dammit!”[41]

  The next day, TigBit went to work in what he called “The Cave.” The Cave was inspired by the cyberpunk book Ready Player One, in which one of the players drove around the country in an RV, resting to use a haptic suit to access a virtual reality world. TigBit, even though Gates had provided a lush estate for the HCF Task Force, preferred working in his RV. [42]

  Fueled by music from an old RPG called Chrono Trigger, TigBit worked nonstop, coding and coding until Gates had to physically pry him out of his trailer. What follows is the transcript of their conversation.

  TigBit: What are you doing!? I’m almost finished!

  Gates: You’ve been in here for five days without food or sleep! You must eat, TigBit!

  TigBit: I’ve never felt more alive, Bill! All I need are energy drinks! I’m crashing fast!

  Gates: Listen, TigBit, and listen to me well. I see something in you, I see… I see myself in you.

  TigBit: I’m not a Microsoft lackey, Gates! I despise what you’ve done with software. I’m a Linux baby! A Linux baby!

  Gates: It doesn’t matter what you are, TigBit, you’re my friend and you are a very, very good coder and hacker.

  TigBit (sobbing): I’ll never be as good as you, Bill! I’ll never create a multi-billion dollar company.

  Gates: There, there, that’s what I like to hear. Just as long as we’re clear. So, what have you discovered? Just tell me and I’ll get the team working on it while you rest.

  TigBit: Really? You’d do that for me?

  Gates: I’ll do anything for you, TigBit.

  TigBit told Gates what he uncovered. That night as TigBit slept, Gates used the information to recreate the Kill Switch Virus in the form of a benevolent virus he called, the Microsoft Kill Switch Killer. The MKSK was tested, approved and distributed to the masses via air drops. Once people installed the virus, it counteracted Healy’s virus. It also spread through social networks, dis-infecting (by infecting) other people’s computers. By the time TigBit woke up from a two day nap, the MKSK had obliterated the Kill Switch Virus.

  Within the week, Broderick Healy was apprehended by the Feds on his private island. Using war dolphins,[43] the US military was able to infiltrate Healy’s private estate. Once the dolphins approached the shores, they began firing water-to-surface missiles at Healy’s mansion, which was made to resemble the Death Star (round, gray, big). No one knows what happened to Healy, but it is believed that he was killed by one of these torpedoes. [44]

  The Great Internet Reset of 2030 began as soon as the Kill Switch Virus was eliminated. RedPill and BluePill were transferred to ADX Florence, a high security federal prison in Colorado and TigBit sued Gates for stealing his code. Of course, a hacker hardly has the legal resources of a multi-billion dollar company like Microsoft, and it took all of three months for Microsoft’s lawyers to dismantle TigBit’s case.

  As 2030 progressed, the Chinese kept their firewall, the United States Congress returned to their debates on restricting internet freedoms, Homeland Security continued enhancing their advanced interrogation tactics, and TigBit was offered a job at Microsoft’s rival, Apple, as a chief coder. As of this writing, Gates has gone back to Africa to wage jihad against a new strand of Ebola. The war dolphins that allegedly killed Broderick Healy have been returned to the marina in New York Harbor and the world continues to wait patiently for the next crisis to present itself.

  Rest Assured: I Didn’t Sleep with your Mother

  As confessions are necessary for any final e-mail, I’ll begin mine now.

  I sold the iPad you gave me for $300 and used the money to pay our outstanding electric bill. I also bought a used Segway off Craigslist for $200. I will graciously subtract my net gain of $300 from the $500 that you still owe me. However, I do think it’s only fair that you cover Rudolf’s vet bill of $72.98, because it was your hemp soap that got him so sick in the first place. This brings us to a grand total of $272.98.

  Before I continue, I’d like to update you on a few things around the apartment. Rudolf has gained a considerable amount of weight and has been meowing constantly. He’s starting to lose hair on his forehead and his whiskers have turned a rare shade of yellow. Hemp poisoning is no laughing matter; it’s nothing short of a miracle that he’s still alive.

  The left side of our bed still holds the imprint of your body
and a spectral version of you continues to move freely through the apartment. I’ll wake up in the middle of the night and see you next to me, the blanket to your waist and your freckled shoulders illuminated by the soft moonlight. I’ll slowly turn you over to kiss your forehead. You’ll meow at me and lick my nose with your sandpaper tongue. Sometimes you even scratch me.

  With my newfound freedom, I walk around the house naked and pass gas as often as I’d like. This beats holding it in all night until my stomach feels like the insides of an over-inflated hot air balloon. Other changes: I use the restroom with the door open these days. I keep the toilet seat up and burp as loudly as possible whenever the urge strikes me. I drink like Homo erectus from the gallon of whole milk in the fridge and beat my chest with both fists whenever I’m frustrated.

  You might like the more primitive me. I’ve grown my beard out and begin my mornings with one hundred push-ups and fifty sit-ups exactly. I’ve quit brushing my teeth and have started an Inuit diet. In my spare time, I’ve created a variation of the Gangnam Style dance that incorporates elements of the Harlem Shake and have watched my YouTube views soar to the double digits. I’ve also picked up sex toy origami and can now make a dildo out of a single sheet of paper. I will open an Etsy account soon.

  Still, my life isn’t the same without you. Sometimes I pretend you’re in the shower next to me. This often ends with me using the handheld showerhead in a way that I probably shouldn’t mention here. Other times I have a mock fight with you so the neighbors won’t ask questions regarding your whereabouts. I don’t want them to think I killed you or something.