Beyond the Checkpoint

by Addison M. Conley

  “You never answered my question.”

  “Carol asked me to stay away, and I abided by her wishes. I was trying to do the right thing.”

  “Why would she do that?” Ali gripped Lynn’s knee tight to hide a slight tremor.

  “I never meant for you to pay for my sins.” Eyes brimming with tears, he removed a white linen handkerchief and dabbed them. Softly, he said, “Please forgive me. You’re my only child. My wife and I couldn’t have children.”

  New tears rushed into Ali’s eyes. “I forgive you, but do you know how much you’ve hurt me?” We’re both hurting. Give him a chance while he’s still alive. Ali softened her tone. “Please tell me about those years.”

  “I’ve prayed so many times for God to forgive me. The truth is I fell madly in love with your mother.” The smile faded. “My marriage was okay, but we had fallen out of love early on.” He brushed his pants. “I was unhappy and working lots of overtime to be out of the house. I was thinking of divorce, then I met your mom.”

  He shook his head and sniffled. For a man of such power, he seemed so vulnerable in this moment.

  “My mother was obviously smitten with you to risk her marriage. Tell me about the good times.”

  “We lived by the seat of our pants. We’d steal away for an hour or two once a week. Longer if we were lucky. We would often walk down by the monuments, talking, enjoying dinner together, or…” Thomas cleared his throat, and his eyes darted away before looking back at Ali. “I want you to understand, I loved your mother.” His hand started to tremble, and he covered part of his face.

  “If you loved her, why did she stay with Edward?”

  He stood and shuffled over to the window, not saying a word. Ali felt rotten. Her mother taking the other half of the story to the grave only added to Ali’s pain. It wasn’t his fault, and insinuating otherwise was not going to resolve anything.

  He finally said, “Looking back, people may think it was to protect my career, but it was really about you and your siblings. Yes, Carol and I ignored all the consequences in our blissful adventures. We lied and told our spouses we had to work late all the time.” He blew his nose. “When Carol got pregnant, I was both elated and terrified. My wife was sterile, and I was excited about becoming a father. At the same time, I was petrified we would be punished for unethical conduct.”

  He turned, and his face shone utter despair as if he aged several years in the past five minutes.

  “The sad truth is the world was extremely misogynistic during that time. Much worse than today. Carol would have been scorned and fired immediately. Because of my stature and accomplishments and simply being male, they probably would have slapped my hands and forgotten about it the next day.”

  He rubbed his forehead and paced back and forth. “The punishment toward your mother wouldn’t have stopped at work. Edward would have divorced Carol, and that would not have been the end. The law would have instantly let him take everything—all the kids, including you, and every penny.” He stopped. His eyes focused on Ali. “Edward could have banished your mother for life from seeing her own children. The world was so harsh back then.”

  A new sadness cursed through Ali. I missed so much. What if this man had raised me and not Edward?

  Thomas crossed the room and sat back down, leaning his elbows on his knees. “Your mother asked me to stay away so she could be with her children. She loved being a mom. Without her children, the light of life would have gone completely out of her. So, we broke up.” His voice cracked. “When you were born, I was delighted you were healthy. You were beautiful. It was painful, but I honored Carol’s decision. And she honored mine by sending a picture and note every now and then.”

  “What about your wife? How did she deal with this?”

  He folded his hands, and his face turned pale. “I didn’t tell her at first, but she eventually found out. When you first started school, she discovered an antique box with your pictures, notes, and the cancelled checks. Up until that point, I was able to hide the financial transactions because it was my family money that enabled us to live a comfortable life. The checks to your mother came from those assets.”

  “Did you split up?”

  “No. It took me by surprise, but she agreed with the child care payments and believed they were my moral obligation. By that time, I never would have left her. She had been diagnosed with multiple sclerosis. Over the years, we both softened and her illness brought us closer together. She died ten years ago. I never remarried.”

  Ali could barely see through her tears. He reached for her hand, and she didn’t resist. Lynn handed them more tissues and took some for herself.

  “As I said, your mother never mentioned Edward’s vices or the abuse. Was there ever a time when it wasn’t bad?”

  “I have some early memories before he started drinking. You gave my mom monthly payments. Why?”

  “I was responsible for bringing you into this world. It was the least I could do.”

  “She probably used it for all of us.”

  “I’m sure she did. The only time I insisted on control was when you enrolled in college. I paid the university and landlord directly. I would have withheld payment if you didn’t take school seriously.” His smile returned, and his eyes lightened. “But you rarely made mistakes. I was proud of how hard you worked to earn your grades and pay for your own books.”

  “Thank you. I’m grateful for not having a college loan.” Ali wiped her hand down her face. “Did you get me the job at NPIC and later help with my promotions at NGA?”

  “No! Well, not illegally if that’s what you’re implying.” His brow furrowed. “As you recall, you went to a job fair at your university. Several members of the Intelligence Community were there.”

  “Oh my, God. You were there!”

  The crooked smile popped on his face. “I took your application, but I already knew your grade point average and all about your extracurricular activities: student government, debate team, volleyball team, and an excellent scholar. I simply made sure your resume got to a few supervisors, but it was your achievements that easily set you apart from the others and got you the job. Of course, as you know, you had to pass the polygraph to get a real assignment.”

  “Things were so different. It was so boring in the beginning. They basically kept me in a corner reading training manuals and military equipment identification books.” She raised her brows. “Then it was like an avalanche after I passed the poly. By the way, the poly has never been easy for me.”

  Thomas’s face quirked, and he tilted his head. “Why?”

  “Every time the tester played good cop/bad cop or needled me during breaks, it would remind me of Edward taunting me. He often called me useless and an ungrateful brat and worse…” Ali’s anger bubbled up. “I would have taken more slaps over Edward’s emotional abuse any day. He was always accusing me of everything. I was worthless in his eyes.”

  “I’m so sorry, Ali.”

  “Oh, honey,” Lynn wrapped her arms around Ali. “Let it out and let it go. He can’t hurt you anymore.”

  She cried as Lynn soothed her. When she calmed down, she heard Thomas blow his nose several times.

  “You have a remarkable partner. I was worried during that second deployment.”

  Ali turned back to Thomas. “Didn’t you cross the line by being involved in the operation since you knew I was your daughter?”

  “Admiral Kent made me the lead. He hinted about our relationship when he sent me forward. I should have recused myself, but I wanted to be near you.” Thomas glanced between them. “I never knew he suggested to Lynn to use her feelings to manipulate you.”

  “Ali, honey. We’ve talked about this. I—”

  “It’s in the past. I know you didn’t do anything to hurt me. I love you.” Ali hugged Lynn. “I have for a very long time. It took me time to realize how lucky I was. I could have lost you at any time over my selfishness.”

  Ali released Lynn and shifted in he
r seat. “Thomas, when did you first know I was gay?”

  “Do you realize you called me Thomas? Sounds so much better than Mr. Blair.”

  The corner of his eyes crinkled, and he smiled. “It was around the time you started coming out at work. Ali, your sexuality doesn’t define who you are. I look at you and see an accomplished, stunning, strong woman who happens to be my daughter.” His eyes shone brightly. “I look at the two of you and see a loving couple. I may have had some difficulty understanding early on, but I never would have shunned you.”

  “Thank you. Those words mean a lot to me.” Ali squeezed his hand, then stood and leaned in to hug him.

  “Thank you for seeing me so soon. This day turned out better than I hoped. I wasn’t sure you would forgive this old man.”

  “You’re not old.”

  “I know one thing that’s not old. It’s my nose. What’s that delicious smell?”

  Lynn popped off the sofa. “Shepard’s pie. I almost forgot. Let me check it, and I’ll be right back.”

  “Ali, I don’t want to anger you. This may be too soon to suggest, but I’m a firm believer in counseling. Talking to a psychologist could help you a lot. The agency offers it all the time to returning deployers, and it pains me to see so few accept.”

  “No need to worry. I’ve been seeing one on and off privately for several years. It took me a while to find someone I felt comfortable with.”

  “Good.”

  Lynn bounced back in the room. “Dinner’s done.”

  Thomas immediately rose. “I’ll help set the table.”

  During the meal, they shared happy stories. Ali perked up when Thomas mentioned a brother, two sisters, and nieces and nephews living in New York, Pennsylvania, and Ohio.

  “I’d like to see some pictures sometime and hear more stories. Will you join us for dinner again?”

  He patted her hand. “That would be my pleasure.”

  After Lynn served dessert, Thomas said, “There is one more story,” he fluttered his hand in the air, “a little sad, but I think you should know.” He paused, and his jaw tightened, but his eyes remained bright. “Your mom allowed me to name you. Alaina was my youngest sister, and Ali was her nickname. She died during high school.”

  “Oh my, God. How?”

  “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to make you cry again.” He reached out for Ali’s hand. “It was a car accident.”

  Lynn handed everyone tissues and rubbed Ali’s shoulder.

  “Thomas, the tears at this point are a way of releasing pent-up pain and an enormous relief rather than anger. Lynn and I have learned the hard way that holding bitterness only denied ourselves happiness.” She turned and kissed Lynn gently on the lips.

  “I agree.” The clock on the wall chimed nine p.m.. “I’m usually in bed by now, but I’m so happy you called. Every fiber in my body feels relief and joy.”

  “Don’t be a stranger. I’d like to see more of you and get to know you better.”

  “Likewise.” His eyes started tearing up again. “Well, I’d best be on my way.”

  After putting on his jacket, Thomas stepped forward and embraced Ali. She returned the emotional act with a tight grip. “Hugs never felt this good before. Thank you.”

  Chapter 53

  Lynn busied herself by cleaning the house. Ali was talking with her sisters, and it was taking longer than Lynn expected. At the sound of the door, Lynn turned to see Ali. Her eyes were red. Her clenched jaw and furrowed brow revealed an anger Lynn didn’t often see.

  “What happened?”

  “It was interesting and informative.” Ali’s eyebrows flicked up. “I knew Denise wouldn’t freak. Initially, Stephanie was still as a mouse and walked out on the deck, leaving us sitting in the kitchen. Then she took a walk, leaving pies in the oven. She was gone until we cleaned up.” She crossed her arms. “When she returned, everything careened off the emotional cliff.”

  Ali yanked the kitchen chair back, scraping it across the tile. She slouched back, folded her arms across her chest, and clenched her jaw. Lynn filled a glass of water and placed it on the table.

  “Thank you.” Ali took a swig and set the glass back down hard. “I thought yesterday with Kevin would be the worst. He left for college when I was eleven and never returned home. And he always acts so,” Ali threw up her hands, “straitlaced. But he listened and believed me. Stephanie,” Ali’s voice cracked, “shocked me today. She knew about my abuse but kept quiet all these years! Can you fucking believe that?” Ali smacked her hand on the table and almost knocked the water over.

  Lynn was momentarily speechless. While Stephanie wasn’t as liberal as Denise, she seemed to be kind to Ali.

  “Apparently, Mom confided some to her and even talked about leaving Edward.” She sucked in her bottom lip and reached out for Lynn’s hand.

  Lynn leaned over and placed a delicate kiss on the corner of Ali’s mouth. “I’m sorry.”

  “Anyway, Stephanie was always Daddy’s girl and didn’t believe Mom at first. Today she revealed that she’s been seeing a therapist for the past five years dealing with her marriage, and the guilt that she saw Edward…”

  Ali squeezed her eyes shut. A tear leaked out of one corner. “Stephanie…” Ali’s mouth turned and twisted. “She saw Edward hit me when I was sixteen.” The tears streamed down her cheek. “He was screaming I was a ‘pussy-licking whore.’ I remember as if it were yesterday but didn’t know Stephanie witnessed the attack. And to hear Stephanie say those words and know she didn’t do anything just cut me to pieces.”

  “Oh my, God.” Lynn embraced Ali. “It’s all over, honey. Cry. Let it out.”

  “I’ll get snot on your shirt.”

  Lynn reached out and grabbed some tissues. “I don’t give a frak but take these.” She rocked Ali. “Let it out. I’m here for you. I always will be.”

  Ali wiped her face. “Anyway, I guess the realization that I was a lesbian, and her father physically abused me, sent Stephanie into denial and into her own little make-believe world. The psychologist gave Stephanie the standard forgiveness speech about how she’d never feel peace until she faced me, which she did today.” Ali squeezed Lynn’s hand. “Stephanie doesn’t like to display tears in front of anyone, but today was different. She had a total meltdown.”

  Lynn took Ali’s hand in hers. “That’s good, right?”

  “Yeah, except a part of me is so damned pissed at her.” Ali’s voice turned sharp. “She was twenty-one and a college graduate. She could have stopped it, but she didn’t!” Ali wadded the tissue and threw it in the trashcan. “You know, I think it would have been years before she said anything, if ever. She thought it was an isolated incident, and he was only angry because he found out I was a lesbian.” The last sentence was said through gritted teeth.

  “People make mistakes all the time. At least she was trying to deal with it through the therapist.” Lynn could see the mix of sadness and anger. “Don’t let the negative consume you, honey.”

  “It was the way she said things after the tears. Stephanie had the gall to say, ‘So many things made sense since he wasn’t your dad.’” Ali picked up the dish towel folded on the table and threw it across the room. “It got worse. She then said something about ‘Her dad would not have done such horrible things if he hadn’t been wounded by our mother’s actions.’ Can you believe that shit?”

  “Sounds like she didn’t think before she spoke.”

  “She followed that up with, ‘Alcohol does terrible things to people,’ then started loading the fucking dishwasher. Those are the exact same goddamn words Mom would say whenever I tried to talk with her. They even said that to the police over his two DUIs!” Ali pounded her fist on the table. “Dammit! Lots of people have problems with alcohol. It doesn’t make a person an abuser or pedophile.”

  Lynn’s gaze shifted from focusing on Ali’s crossed arms and angry face to looking behind her through the screen door. Stephanie was there, standing like a stone statue. Her face
was pale, and her eyes puffy from crying. Ali wasn’t aware of Stephanie’s presence.

  “You’re right. I’ve been meek and mistreated you. Neither Mom nor I protected you like we should have.” Stephanie softly said.

  Ali’s head whipped around. “You have a lot of nerve!”

  “Easy, honey,” Lynn whispered.

  Stephanie slowly opened the door and gingerly walked in. “I’m partially the reason for your pain. I turned a blind eye. I didn’t want to believe that monster was my dad.” Stephanie’s head was bowed. “I only saw him hit you that once, and I wanted so desperately to believe that it wasn’t true. I should have known better, but I was still young, too. I should have stopped him, but I was also scared. He was so drunk. The pain and guilt will be with me forever. Please forgive me.”

  By now, Denise had quietly come through the door. “Ali, Stephanie and I had a long talk after you left.” Her mouth formed a half-smile. “Well, I sort of did most of the talking in a voice that shook the earth. But after I shut up, she admitted this to me.” Denise put her hand on Stephanie’s shoulder. “I believe her. That doesn’t excuse what happened, but we need to heal. No matter what comes our way, we’re still sisters.”

  Stephanie pleaded, “I love you, Ali, and I am so sorry for my pathetic response. From now on, I promise not to shut you down when you want to talk.”

  Ali leaned her elbows on the table and rested her head.

  “Please, Ali. Say something,” Stephanie pleaded.

  Ali rose and stepped towards Stephanie, looking her in the eye. “I forgive you, but I have to confess that it’s going to take me a long time to feel close to you again.”

  Stephanie sniffled. “I understand. I’d feel the same way if I were in your shoes.”

  “I’ll give it my best if you will, too.”

  Ali hugged her sisters. When she broke contact, she walked over to Lynn, wrapped her arms around Lynn’s neck.