The Desire to Touch

by Taylor, N

  I clamber off the bed and look around at the room, it really is stark in here - almost cold. There are no pictures on any walls or on any unit tops, I tiptoe into the open plan bathroom to see if there are any in there but there’s none.

  I can’t say I’m too keen on the whole open bathroom thing but I guess it has it’s plusses, like if the loo is taken you don’t have to bath while someone’s toileting and you get to watch TV whilst washing. I continue to look around but boredom is setting in fast, I decide to text Meagan and see what she’s up to, so I leave the bathroom and walk back into the bedroom to grab my phone.

  ‘Shit! I left it in the kitchen, oh crap I could be up here for ages.’ I sigh and decide the best course of action is to go and get it, I know where it is in the kitchen and that’s the first door just past the stairs, I can sneak in and out surely?

  I make my way to the top of the stairs and listen to see if anyone is in the hallway, nope - the coast is clear. I tentatively tiptoe down a few steps and lean over the banister to double check I’m in the clear. Still, no one seems to be around so I carry on down a few more steps until I hit the corner where I just have to descend the last stretch. A shadow appears at the bottom of the stairs so I dart back up and hide around the corner out of sight, someone’s in the kitchen. ‘Shit!’

  I hear a feminine giggle come from the kitchen, then I see Kyla gliding out in her skinny jeans and cropped white cardigan with her perfectly smooth toned stomach on show. Her hair is tied in a loose ponytail, with her natural mahogany curls cascading down her back, ‘Bitch!’ I throw daggers at the back of her head with my eyes, swanning through the house with her flip-flops on, making that stupid shlip shlap noise. ‘Argh! No, calm it Ellie, calm down.’

  When she is out of sight, I slip down the stairs and into the kitchen where I pick up my phone and purse. Then, making my way back to the stairs I plan on heading back up until I hear Kyla’s cackle of a laugh echoing from a room near the living room. I really should just head back up, I don’t need to listen in. I’m secure in myself, though my ego could always do with a little boost, no, I trust him – well, what I know of him. Hah, who am I kidding! Right, I can slip over there. I can be quiet and just have a little listen surely that can’t hurt?

  Devil girl is dressed for the occasion in her cat suit ready to be sneaky whereas angel girl just stands there shaking her head. Listening to myself for once, I shimmy along the wall and stop just before the door so I can listen in.

  “I told her no! I don’t care if it’s a positive image boost, I’m fed up with it!” Trey’s voice is angry.

  “Why the fuck are you laughing, Kyla?” Sean asks.

  “It would appear that Trey has another skank in the house for the night.”

  “Fuck you Kyla!” Trey snaps.

  “Skank?” I whisper to myself, my heart is pounding and I can hear the blood rushing through my ears, almost making it hard to eaves drop.

  “Touchy! Well, whatever, I’ve just seen some slutty purse in the kitchen.”

  Ouch…I look at the purse in my hand – it’s not slutty is it?

  There’s silence in the room, I can’t see Trey but I can hear his silence and I feel the betrayal forming into bile in my throat, why doesn’t he say something? Anything? Even if it’s “She’s not a skank”? I’m starting to shake more and I look heavenwards and plead inwardly ‘Please, if he says just one thing then I will know my trust was not misplaced’.

  The silence is broken by Sean who is laughing, “Oh wait, please tell me you didn’t? You so did, you pulled the whole ‘come let me show you the stars then I’ll fuck your brains out’ line.” Sean’s laugh gets louder, “There, your face says it all - look at that smile – you so did, you dog!”

  Chapter Ten

  I’m going to be sick! I feel the blood draining from my body starting with my face, ‘Oh shit, I really think I’m going to pass out – I have to go, I need to get home.’

  The lump is back in my throat and I’m struggling to swallow it, the tears start to form in my eyes but I blink them away, even though they are not tears of sadness but tears of pure anger. No! I will not cry, I just have to get home, how could I have been so bloody stupid?

  I’m standing, with my dress undone at the back and I’m cold, trying to pull myself together. I try to retrace my stuff - I need my coat. Shit! That’s in the living room and I can’t idly walk past the room they’re all in just for them to insult me to my face. I know there’s another door by the kitchen that leads into the living room but then there’s my shoes, ‘Crap they’re on the roof.’ I am so angry I don’t know what to do. ‘Fuck it, fuck ‘em all!’

  I make a dash for the main door, the whole time trying to fight the urge to leave him a note. Damn it, I can’t. I have to say my piece even if it’s the last thing I ever say to him.

  I run back into the kitchen and hunt for a pen and paper - I find a notebook with lots written in next to his laptop but no pen, fast thinking I take my eyeliner out of my bag and scrawl all across his work:-

  I TOLD YOU I’M NOT ONE OF

  THOSE GIRLS!!

  FUCK YOU!

  Wow, that feels so much better – a bitterly twisted smile crawls across my face and I’m not going to hide it, he deserves everything he gets. Ok, really time to go, I pick the pad up and leave it on the worktop where my bag was and head for the front door. As I reach the door there’s a harmonic outburst of laughter from the games room and I shudder at the possibility of what the source of the joke could be.

  Yeah, that’s right, you have a good old laugh at the little British girl that you screwed over. I pull the glass door open slowly, so as not to make a noise, slip through the gap and stop at the edge of the step. The crisp coldness of the evening hits me and helps cool my fuming skin, my back is freezing, I have no shoes on and in front of me is a sea of razor sharp gravel – this is not going to be fun!

  I slowly put one foot onto the gravel and it’s like a bed of knives and pins ripping into its bare sole. I pull my foot back but the whole time I know I need to go as Trey will be seeing them off before long. I spot the well-watered flowerbed next to the step, “Sorry flowers but there may be some casualties,” I whisper, as I start to step between them. After about eight leaps I reach the other end, which is the grassed lawn. I hot foot it down the lane, staying on the grass, whilst getting my phone out of my bag and trying to hold my dress together.

  The gates couldn’t have closed properly after they came in, as there’s a gap where they don’t quite meet. I squeeze through them and walk along the pathway, back out onto the main road, with every step, shivering and eyeing carefully to make sure I don’t tread on anything nasty. I look at my phone and its 12:38am, ‘Too late for this crap’ I think to myself. I open the Internet on my phone to try and find a local cab number and, as I scroll through, a message beeps.

  Meagan xxx

  18 Sep 2012 00:40am

  Are you ok? Having fun? X

  I hit call and she picks up first ring.

  “Hey what’s up?”

  I struggle to hold back the pain in my voice, “I’m so sorry to call late I’m just getting a cab home.”

  “Why what’s wrong?”

  “Nothing honestly.”

  “Are you ok?”

  Those three words are my undoing and a few uncontrollable tears start to run down my cheek. “Not really, I just want to get home.”

  “Right where are you? I’m coming to get you!” Meagan demands.

  “Look I’m at least an hour away,” I narrowly avoid treading on a shiny object on the pavement, “If I get dropped off at the bridge can you pick me up from there?”

  “Sure, of course I will, do you need me to find a taxi number?” she offers.

  As if by some random act of God a taxi heads towards me with its light on so I flag him down. He swings the car around and pulls up at the curb.

  “I’ve just flagged one and I’m about to get in but if you leave in about 10 we should me
et at the bridge.”

  “Ok,” she pauses, “Did he hurt you?”

  “No, no, nothing like that honestly, I’ll explain it to you when I see you.”

  “Ok babe, I’ll see you soon.”

  “Bye” I say hanging up. I look at the driver and ask him to drop me at the bridge, he puts his foot down and we pull away from the curb.

  We pull up to the bridge Meagan is standing there next to her car in her pyjamas, I pay the driver and climb out of the back and into her caring arms.

  “I’ll take you home,” she says hugging me tightly.

  On the drive back I explain what happened and she is fuming to say the least.

  “He said nothing?” she asks in shock, I shake my head.

  We pull up to the hotel foyer and Meagan offers to see me up but I tell her I just want a nice hot bath and my bed. I thank her for rescuing me and she assures me she will be around tomorrow – to check up on me, I expect.

  After dodging Uncle Brendan and Earl, I escape to the lift and make my way up to the apartment, my little haven. I throw my bag on the bed and slip out of my clothes leaving them where they lay. I walk straight into the bathroom and turn on the shower, deciding I’m too tired to fuss around a bath – I just want to get clean. I can’t actually believe how dirty and cheap I feel, I need to scrub at my skin to try and feel cleansed. I throw myself under the cascading water and I can only pray it has the power and cleaning strength to match that of disinfectant, then I begin the mission of cleansing myself.

  I grab the towel from the side and wrap myself in it, again avoiding seeing myself in the mirror. My skin feels raw but I do feel a little better now the cheap smell of him has gone. Walking into the bedroom I throw on some shorts and an oversized t-shirt, I’m in no mood to sort washing out now, I just want to warm up. I wonder if I could sue him if I came down with hypothermia.

  I rough dry my hair then drop the towel on the floor along with everything that’s been emptied out of my wardrobe, note to self - should really tidy up before going to bed.

  I glance at the clock, jeez its 2:00am and in no way do I feel sleepy! If I go to bed now to try and sleep, I know I’ll end up just mulling it all over in my mind and then I’ll regret my actions. Stepping over the many scattered clothes, odd shoes and bags I make my way into the kitchen, grabbing a mug I make a hot chocolate to try and warm myself from the core as I’m still freezing. Git! Not only does he humiliate me but he makes me ill.

  Suddenly I remember Brendan’s secret stash in the top cupboard, I leave the hot chocolate to cool down a bit and grab a chair to stand on. Damn my short stature!

  I climb on the chair and find Brendan’s cigarettes hidden just behind the cooking oil in the cupboard, I grab one out of the packet and climb back down sliding the chair back under the table. I am so looking forward to this, this may be all I need to calm me down and help me sleep…maybe?

  Heading back into the lounge, I try to open the large window but it’s locked. So I grab a nearby stool and open the top window. On tiptoe to reach, I squeeze my head, one shoulder and arm out of the window precariously balancing while I puff away. ‘Oh Hell yes, I needed this!’ With the other arm still on the inside of the room, I hold onto the frame trying to steady myself as the stool is tipping - I hear the door close behind me.

  “Sorry Brendan,” I call out, “It’s been one of those days, I had to pinch one and I’ll replace it tomorrow.”

  “I thought we agreed smoking was dangerous for your health.”

  Shit! Trey makes me jump. Stumbling, I drop the cigarette then lose my footing on the stool and knock it over. My top half is stuck in the window frame whereas my arse is just hanging there.

  “Fuck, Ellie!” Trey shouts running towards me. I’m kicking my legs around trying to find something to balance on, as the air is slowly being squeezed out of my lungs by the stupid position I have gotten myself into. Trey’s arms grasp my backside and hoists me up to stop me from suffocating to death. As he lifts me, I am able to free myself from the trap but I know I have to turn around and face something worse.

  He sets me down and as I feel both feet arrive safely on the ground I push him away from me, running into the kitchen I pick up my mug and dump as much brandy as I can fit into it. I take a few gulps to steady my nerves and then turn and look at him, “What are you doing here and how the hell did you get in?” I am so angry, I’m surprised steam isn’t coming out of my ears.

  “Why did you leave?” Trey asks.

  I laugh, “I’m surprised you even noticed!”

  “Of course I did, I found your note,” he raises an eyebrow at me.

  “No wait, don’t answer me with another question, how did you get in?”

  “Your uncle lent me his card.”

  “Why are you here?” I guzzle down the rest of my drink and finally feel the warmth in my bones again.

  “You left, I was worried.”

  “Well, as you can see, I’m fine so you can leave now,” I wave my arm toward the door and realise my scar is on show, Shit! I retract my arm and cross them to hide it.

  “I’m not leaving until you tell me why you ran out on me and left that note!” He crosses his arms mimicking me.

  This just fuels my fire and infuriates me so much more, “For fuck’s sake!” I grunt and push past him racing for my bedroom, I grab a cardigan off the bed and put it on, then take a deep breath and head back to the living room.

  Trey is sitting on the sofa facing me and watching my every move but I lean against the wall on the other side of the room keeping distance between us. I spot my shoes and coat on the table next to him and he looks at them, then slowly looks back at me.

  “You must have been cold?”

  I’m still seething and his comment just bounces off me, my facial expression stays the same.

  A little voice echoes in my mind ‘You shouldn’t be in here alone with him! Sod off Fairy Wings, I’m dealing with this myself. Old Ellie is climbing her way back out.’

  “Ellie. Please,” Trey stands and starts to approach me with his hands out.

  “Do. Not. Touch. Me!” I warn.

  Trey stops still and searches my face to make eye contact, “I don’t understand what happened. I mean, I was gone like half an hour, did I say something wrong before I left?”

  I remain silent, Trey runs his hands through his hair as if losing patience. “Ellie!” he shouts.

  “I got bored in your room and I wanted my phone,” I snap.

  “Right?” he sits on the arm of the chair in front of me crossing his arms and legs.

  It feels like he’s waiting for a really lame excuse.

  I just don’t have the energy to keep the anger up, that’s just not me anymore. My voice softens, “I went to get my phone and you…her…she was laughing, no she was cackling that you had a skank upstairs.” I walk away from him towards the window but I feel his presence at my side.

  “That’s just Kyla, no one takes notice of what she says.”

  I glare at him, “Oh I’m sorry, I didn’t realise I was supposed to ignore some hot shot movie slut slagging me off to my boy…”I shut myself up and compose myself, as it’s obvious he is not that, “to the million dollar movie star who wants to bed me. If you give me a minute, I’ll erase the offended memory and crack on with my life.”

  He smiles, “There’s that smart mouth again.”

  “You didn’t say anything, you didn’t stand up for me. I guess it confirms my original thought, that I am just another faceless name on your ever growing list.”

  “Ouch! Now you know that’s not true.”

  “Really?” I face him again, “You said you didn’t take anyone up to the roof!”

  “I don’t…”

  “Bollocks! Not what Sean said, “Oh let me show you the stars then fuck your brains out”,” I mimic.

  “No, Ellie, please you’re wrong I...”

  “You’re right, I am wrong, very wrong to trust you and to have let things get this
far.” I hang my head in shame and look at my wrist, all the self-loathing I had been fighting comes flooding back causing a disgusting taste in my mouth.

  “No Ellie, will you fucking listen!” He grabs my wrists making me wince and spins me round to face him.

  Looking me directly in the eye he says, “Do not listen to Sean he’s a jackass! I never take anyone up there, okay, maybe one person once and that was ‘Movie slut’. That’s why they jerk around because Kyla told Sean all about it.”

  “Then why didn’t you put her straight? ‘Say, I have a friend here, not a skank’.”

  “I don’t know,” he pinches the bridge of his nose, “I’ve never had to before, I don’t introduce the current girl to my friends. I usually just fuck them and move on.” He shrugs with his brutal honesty.

  “Ellie, you must realize, I’m never short of offers and I don’t chase anyone.”

  “And I told you I’m not like the other socialites you fuck. I’m not a party girl, I’m not known in any circles to anyone. I guess this is where our two worlds collide, I can’t handle this and to be honest I don’t need this.” I pull my hands away from him and walk over to the sofa and sit, bringing my knees up in front of me, holding them close.

  “I like that you’re different,” he says kneeling on the floor in front of me trying to hold me.

  “Don’t, please.” I hold myself tighter.

  “Ellie, listen I don’t think of you as a conquest ok? I won’t deny that when you ran into me a few days ago I wanted you, but after dinner that night, I saw that there was something deeper to you and since that night I’ve wanted to find out more.”

  “Trust me, you really don’t.”

  “I do, why else would I drive all this way at 2am to see that you’re ok?”