The Desire to Touch

by Taylor, N

  I walk with the dress over towards the divider in the room, which defines room from changing room.

  After struggling to get into it, I walk back into the room with everything squeezed into the ridiculously tight dress which I think should hang looser.

  “Sit over here doll, Mary-Claire will do your hair and makeup.”

  He turns to the girl, “You know the look of Nancy go bouffant and if you can get some loose curls in there.”

  I sit and Miss 6ft 2 short black bob gives me a sarcastic smile, she pulls a brush out of her bag then sets to work putting rollers in my hair and adds tons of makeup to my face.

  I download the song onto my phone and listen to it, practicing over and over trying to get the pitch and memorise the words.

  After thirty minutes of relentless pampering, I sit stunned by the reflection looking back at me, I’m a sixties pin up!

  I check the messages on my phone just to see if I’ve accidentally missed a text from someone - nothing. Would he still say we were ‘friends’ if he could see me now? I hear Lucas singing one of his numbers and with the live band he sounds amazing. I could sit and watch him a million times and still be in complete awe of him.

  I stand and pull the creeping dress down a bit and look at Mary-Claire, “Wow.”

  She warms a bit, “Looks good.”

  “You’re a miracle worker,” I look back at myself in the mirror.

  She laughs, “Not really, is this your first time?”

  “Singing? No but it has been a lifetime, so I feel like its all brand new.”

  “Well you’ll be fine.” She glances down at my wrist then looks back at me giving the same reaction I’ve had a thousand times, pity floods her eyes.

  Change of subject come on, think…“He sounds so amazing, I’ll never get used to it.”

  She smiles at me as she starts to pack up her bag. Awkwardness fills the silence so I grab my phone and send a text to Meagan:

  I can’t believe I’m doing this! Shitbags!!!!

  You owe me x

  Pretty much straight away my phone pings:

  Meagan xxx

  19 Sep 2012 08:35pm

  Got a gr8 table we can’t wait

  to see you sing again! xx

  We? Oh she must have Lacey with her to see me make a fool of myself in public, I reply:

  :P x

  The nerves start to emerge through my body again, I take a deep breath just to try and steady them but it just makes me want to hyperventilate.

  I hear the MC speak and a large applause ensues, oh wow that sounds like a really big crowd.

  Lucas appears in the doorway,

  “Hey Doll,” Sweat drips from his forehead, “Looking good Ellie, wow! You know what you’re doing right?”

  I swallow hard causing the butterflies in my stomach to start up again, “I’ve learnt the words,” I hold my stomach to calm it, “I’m sorry if it’s awful, I think I’ve got the pitch to start at.”

  “Listen,” he wipes his head with a towel, “It’s so hot under those lights, we will be fine, you’re with me and if you’re that bad they’ll turn your mic down.” He winks and starts to undress.

  The nerves are starting to get the better of me and I can feel myself shake as if I were cold. Devil girl appears and starts writing her obituary while Angel girl is warming up her voice.

  “You haven’t heard me sing though!”

  Lucas grabs my shoulders making me jump, “Stop it! You’re over-thinking things again.”

  I drop my shoulders in defeat and smile, “Ok.”

  “We’ve got fifteen minutes I’ve ordered you a drink, I need to change quick.”

  Jerry appears at the door and smiles his intimidatingly creepy smile, he leans into the door frame and crosses his arms while he looks at me for a second then saunters into the room making a b-line.

  “Ellie.” Jerry smiles.

  In nothing but a pair of boxers Lucas spots Jerry and manages to jump in front me, cutting Jerry off.

  “Hi,” I wave over Lucas’s shoulder.

  “So nice of you to help us out tonight, does your uncle know you’re here?”

  Shit!

  “Yes Meagan has told Brendan.” Lucas informs him.

  A young girl, no older than twenty one, walks in with a tray of drinks balanced on one hand, she spots Lucas and instantly blushes.

  “Ah drinks,” Lucas seems grateful for the distraction.

  He hands me a white wine and he grabs a tumbler, after necking the contents he passes the glass back to the waitress who turns on her heel and leaves showing him her best walk. I take three consecutive gulps of the wine and almost instantly feel the warmth of the alcohol run through me. Shit! I still haven’t eaten since lunch, heeding my own warning I place the glass on the side knowing it would be safer this way.

  “Lucas tells me you met our tailor today Ellie?” Jerry comes closer as Lucas has moved from his spot to start dressing.

  “Yes, erm Lorenzo? Very nice man.” I Smile.

  Lucas pulls on some charcoal suit trousers and grabs a clean shirt.

  “Well its best if you don’t tell anyone about going there,” Jerry says winking at me.

  I nod with understanding. Why the hell is everyone dragging me into their dodgy shit?

  “Good girl,” Jerry smiles in his creepy way and turns to walk out of the room, “And Lucas, do not let me down.”

  “Have I yet?”

  Jerry walks out and Lucas looks at me smiling, “We don’t mention the friends remember?”

  “Yes I think I’ve got that message loud and clear.”

  I look down at my feet, “Lucas I have no shoes.”

  “Wing it, go barefoot, Nancy did on some performances.”

  “Are you like the walking Wiki on her or something,” I laugh.

  Lucas finishes dressing and walks to Mary-Claire for her to re-gel his hair to the side. The wine has finally worked its magic and now I feel ready to take on the world, I go to grab my bangle through force of habit but I realise I still haven’t got anything.

  Shit!

  “Two minutes to curtain.” A little voice shouts into the room.

  Mary-Claire is still trying to sort Lucas’s hair and he looks at me, “What’s up?”

  I look up at him and raise my arm to show him my wrist.

  “Erm,” he starts scanning the room, “M-C I need your bracelet for Ellie’s outfit, you can have it straight back afterwards and I just think it’ll finish it off.”

  She shrugs and removes it, passes it to me and then goes back to fighting with Lucas’s hair. I slip it on and it covers the scar, just, but I feel less self - conscious. Lucas leaves Mary-Claire and walks to me and clasps my hand.

  “Ready?”

  “No!” I shake and the nerves are back attacking my body. I’ve changed my mind, I don’t want to do this anymore.

  Chapter Fourteen

  Lucas leads me out of the room, down the hall and we stop in the wings of the stage. My heart is pounding in my ears and I can see the little squiggly lines in my eyes. The wine has made me giggle more than be nervous now. I tell myself to behave and force a straight face, I hum a quick note to check how I sound but I start to giggle again. A hand appears in front of me and places a mic in my hand and then an earpiece gets popped into my ear. I look at Lucas who still has hold of my right hand and he looks down at me,

  “Don’t panic, it’s empty out there, hardly anyone in.”

  I nod at him - I can’t bring myself to speak, crap I’d better find my voice pretty damn quick as the MC joins us in the wings. He smiles at me then walks onto the stage to introduce us, Lucas squeezes my hand and in return I give him a big goofy grin. Next thing I’m being led out onto the stage, the lights are down and he leads me to a block in the centre of the stage that is covered in some silky fabric.

  We sit, ‘Legs Ellie!’ I suddenly remember to keep my knees together so as not to show the entire audience my poor choice in underwear, Lucas is sa
t right next to me so I turn into him a bit so my legs are shut.

  “Shine, Doll face,” he whispers in my ear.

  The band strikes up and the lights come on lighting us on the stage, It’s so bright, I can’t see any faces just the glare from the spot light. My nerves are at an all time high and I don’t know if I can pull it off.

  Lucas squeezes my knee to count me in and on cue I open my mouth, old Ellie kicks in and I’m singing, I’m actually doing it! ‘Go Me!’

  I may not be in tune and for all I know I might even be singing the wrong words but hey, the bitch is back! Angel girl is applauding but Devil girl has turned blue from where she’s held her breath for too long. I look at Lucas and he is smiling at me while he sings and I smile back and sing, occasionally I look into the lights but never at the faces in the crowd, I can’t take seeing their faces of anger and pain as I probably kill the notes.

  I’m high on nerves at the moment and oh how I have missed this feeling, I look back at Lucas and there’s a look of bewilderment in his eyes and I start to panic but manage to cling on to my cool and carry on. I can hear my own voice in my ear and it’s really off putting so I slyly hook my hand under my hair and pull the ear piece out.

  For the first time since last night I feel like I’m flying again and a world of worries has been lifted off my shoulders. Out of nowhere the deep dark voice creeps into my mind, like a cloud of black evil the words, “Sing my Angel, remember it’s just for me no one else!” I can feel the heat of his breath on my face like he’s next to me again. I swallow hard and feel the sweat start on my palms making it hard to grip the mic, Angel and Devil girl start battling the black cloud to banish it from my head.

  I painfully continue and smile through it all, though I know my eyes would tell it all if anyone could see, A tear runs down my cheek and Lucas looks at me worried but still singing. I shake my head at him and continue the song.

  The song is over when it feels like we’ve not long started, Lucas takes my hand and kisses the back of it.

  “Thank you.” He whispers.

  “Anytime.” I smile back.

  The band stops and the applause starts, we stand and bow. Lucas turns and gestures his arms to me and I bow again smiling at him, then I look to the crowd and spot Meagan whooping and whistling. Everyone is standing and it’s a lot to take in, I grin at Meagan and see Lacey sitting with her so I wave, then I spot Trey at the table with them and he too is standing and clapping.

  Shit! I look to Lucas and gesture to him for him to bow and we turn to leave when I see Lorenzo standing by the entrance smiling at me. I don’t smile back I just stare at him in shock, why is he here? Lucas grabs my hand and leads me off the stage, in the wings he picks me up off the floor and bear hugs me.

  “Ellie that was…you were amazing, thank you.” He kisses my forehead as he plants me back on the ground.

  “Did you see him?” I ask.

  “Who?”

  “Lorenzo, he was by the entrance.”

  “Really? That’s not good doll, Jerry has strict rules on him going to any of his places. I’ll have a word with Jerry in a minute. First we need a drink to celebrate you saving my skin!”

  We run back to the dressing room and I quickly change into my clothes and return Mary-Claire’s bangle. I grab a wipe and take most of the makeup off – turning me back into Ellie not the pinup girl.

  I can’t get the feeling of the rancid heat off my face, it feels like its burnt into my skin and I scrub for a bit but just make my face sore.

  “I need food Lucas, I’m starving.”

  “Yes that’s fine, let me change then we’ll head out to see the others and have a drink.”

  A waitress appears at the door to the dressing room, “Miss Jones?”

  “Yes?” I turn to see another young lady in her uniform.

  She approaches, “Mr. Fines would like to see you in the bar.”

  “Ok thanks.” I smile at her as she leaves and I look to Lucas.

  “Don’t worry,” he puts his arm around me, “I won’t leave you alone with him.”

  We walk down the hall and out of a staff door that brings us into the main bar area, which is crammed with people while the band plays in the background.

  “You said it was empty tonight.” I look at all the people around and Lucas just smiles at me.

  Meagan runs up to me squealing and she jumps into my arms, “Ellie you were amazing, literally amazing!”

  Oh I love her youthful exuberance, it’s so refreshing.

  “Well I was literally crapping myself!” I release her so she stops clinging on.

  She looks at me funny, “Did you enjoy it though?”

  “A big part of me did yes.”

  “Well it’s irrelevant, I am so proud of you and I’m not the only one,” she smiles wickedly.

  “Yeah what is he doing here?” I grab her arm and lean into Meagan whilst looking for Trey.

  “I only mentioned it and he was more than up for coming.”

  “You told him? God’s sake Meagan I’ve known the bloke for three days, not exactly planning on moving in anytime soon!”

  “What can I say, the guy is obviously head over heels for you.” She claps her hands in her uber excited way.

  “Three days Meagan…three!” I hold up my fingers to her face, she holds her hands up in defense.

  Lucas grabs my arm and pulls me into him quickly, “What were the tears about?”

  With that I feel the heat and rank stench on my face again I wipe my cheek and force a smile, “Nothing, just overwhelmed.”

  Another young attractive waitress appears at my side, “Miss Jones, Mr. Fines is very insistent on seeing you.”

  “Okay,” I feel his presence as he approaches, I look to my left and see Trey joining us. ‘Fuck this Trey, can wait let’s see how he likes being left hanging’, “Thank you I will come now.”

  I look at Lucas, “Let’s get this done with.”

  “Ok Babe,” he places his hand on my lower back and walks with me through the crowds of tables full of people eating and drinking, we dodge the mass of Monday drinkers by the bar and reach a small set of steps that lead up to the VIP area. Lucas keeps his hand in place, more for my protection than anything else but I can feel eyes burning in to my back. We climb the five or so steps behind Miss Long Legs and I glance over my shoulder briefly and, as I thought, Trey is staring at us as we walk. I also notice that the view of the stage from this elevated position is really good, not the VIP area for no reason then.

  The area is a dark, sullenly lit, full of black velvet sofas and chairs.

  “Ellie, Ellie, “Jerry stands and approaches from behind an oak table, “Why darling, you have surpassed yourself tonight!”

  “Well, I wouldn’t say that.” A nervous smile creeps across my face.

  Jerry stops right in front of me and holds his arms out trying to coax me in for a hug, but I just hold myself rigid and feel Lucas’s hand tighten on my back. Jerry leans in to kiss my cheek and then the other, the whole time his over-powering aftershave floods my senses, offending them.

  “Picture?” A voice asks. Someone with a camera in front of their face is waiting for us to pose. Jerry throws himself in between me and Lucas, he throws his arms around us and plants a third gut-wrenching kiss on my cheek for the photographer. The flash goes off and the man runs off without removing the camera from his face.

  “Ellie hasn’t eaten yet Jerry, so I need to get her some food.” Lucas attempts to remove us from the situation and holds his hand out for me to stand back by his side.

  “Patience Lucas, lets not forget she saved your ass tonight! Darling come and join us.”

  Jerry places one hand on my shoulder and with the other he gestures to the table he was sitting at. I look over at his ‘friends’ and there are four men sitting in black suits and black shirts. One of the men has shades on and two men sit either side of him in very close proximity, guarding him. A fifth man is standing at the back of th
e room and his stance is much like that of Michaels, each of the men has more gold than the Federal Reserve hanging from every appendage. I glance at the table, which has cigars burning away in the ashtray, filling the room with clouds of thick smoke. I feel like I have walked in on a private meeting with the Godfather and, as Jerry speaks, the three men sitting do not take any notice of us, but the fourth man stands to remove his jacket and in doing so makes a more than obvious show that he has a gun holstered.

  I grab for Lucas’s hand as I am so tense right now, I could possibly leave a puddle on the floor. Jerry takes the hint from the man, “On second thoughts, maybe another time.” Reaching into his pocket Jerry pulls out a wad of notes held together with a gold money clip, solid gold if I know Jerry. He starts thumbing through the notes and pulls a few free, passing them to me.

  “No, honestly Jerry, that’s not necessary.” I wave my hands at him.

  “Nonsense you saved more than Lucas’s ass tonight,” he thrusts the money into my hand, “The reason I wanted to see you is, I want you to do a permanent set here.”

  What? “I don’t think I can Jerry I am swamped with work at the moment.” Quick thinking again - go me!

  “Well, at least think about it, even if it’s once a week. I’m thinking of a permanent fixture with you and Lucas.”

  Yes I am flattered, yes my ego is being preened but my Angel is severely reluctant and starts thinking of all ‘What ifs’.

  I smile, “I’ll think about it and thanks for the money.”

  “Right,” he grabs the waitress that has the laborious task of refilling the mafia’s tumblers, “Rachel, food for Miss Jones and her friends and their drinks on the house all night.” He smacks her bum sending her on her way and I see the cringe on her face as he touches her. I want to tell her I feel the same way every time I see him.

  “What the hell has come over you?” Lucas jests at Jerry turning me towards the steps.

  “Close call tonight Perez, do not fuck me around again or you know what’ll happen! Try and keep your dick in your pants from now on!”

  Lucas salutes as we make towards the top step then we stop, “Jerry, I forgot to say.”