The Desire to Touch

by Taylor, N

  Lucas

  20 Sep 2012 09:20pm

  Thanks for the chat, lots to sort

  You ok? Call me x

  My heart is racing and the disappointment is let out in a huge sigh as I lay my head back down on the pillow. I know he is having major issues so I hit reply, though I have to swallow hard to rid the feeling of bitter disappointment.

  Glad you’re ok, I’m gd thanks

  long story, pop by when free x

  I place my phone back on the side and try desperately hard to close my eyes and sleep, but the niggling is still there in the back of my mind. No sod this I can send one message and if he decides to reply then great but I just want to say no hard feelings, chances are he’s changed his number already anyway. I have nothing to lose. I open the last message from Trey and type out a reply.

  Hi, Hope you’re ok. Just to say

  thanks for everything, enjoy Paris

  I debate putting a kiss on the end or not, but in my haste I click send then place my phone on the side. I close my eyes again but this time sleep comes easier, I feel happier now I’ve had the last word.

  Chapter Seventeen

  “Well, thank God it’s Friday,” Aubrey collapses into her desk chair. I look up and smile then continue typing up an email.

  “Look you, you’re normally more fun than this and stop moping over him it’s been four days. Let go.”

  “I am,” I mutter not taking my eyes off the screen, “I’m coping as best I know how and to be honest I’m doing better now than two years ago.”

  My phone has pride of place on the desk though it shouldn’t be on display, I have tried not to but I know my eyes are darting to it every five minutes. Nothing much has come through on it for days, a few texts exchanged with Meagan and a phone call with Lucas, but nothing from the one person I’m waiting for. Why did I text him, I was being so strong then I caved in and even I can see that no reply means I’m off his radar, day four post text.

  The past few days have dragged in general, I know I need something new to focus on. Who am I kidding; I need to immerse myself into the party planning, this event has more and more pressure being piled on. I think I may look for another job when it’s done because I don’t know if I can hack the stress. It’s not helped that I am now having to get used to the emptiness deep within, I don’t know if this new decision-making lark is great or a hindrance. Sometimes my duo were no help and sometimes they made things harder but they helped me, they were one part of me that no one could touch.

  “Earth to Ellie?” Aubrey calls waving her hand in front of me.

  “Sorry,” I blink rapidly bringing myself too.

  “Look its 3:30,” She closes my screen down, “I’m making the decision that its time to go home. You and I both need a good drink and you need to let your hair down.”

  “I’m not going to argue with you,” I smile at her as we collect our things and make our way out of the office.

  I make my way back to the apartment and look forward to a long hot soak in the bath. Meagan is in the kitchen creating some concoction for us and Lacey has been roped in to “Cheer Ellie up”, another of Meagan’s grand idea’s. I am quite looking forward to some food, drinks and a good laugh.

  I leave the bathroom and I’ve put on my comfy boyfriend jeans and a black baggy jumper that hangs off one shoulder, I know we’re not going anywhere so I rough dry my hair and walk into the living room to join the girls who are cackling away.

  “Evening Jones,” Lacey calls not removing her eyes from the television.

  “Alright?”

  “Right come on,” Meagan appears at the kitchen archway laughing, “Its ready, come and eat up.” She walks back into the kitchen laughing aloud. Lacey stands laughing and follows her in. I hate it when I feel I’m the only one who’s not been included in a joke.

  I walk into the kitchen and the table has been laid beautifully, I look at Meagan astounded and take a seat, I notice she is trying to stifle her laugh behind her hand.

  “Meagan this looks amazing,” I take a deep breath and the aroma of chilli fills my nostrils making me salivate.

  I stick my fork in and I’m just about to put it to my lips when I see the faces on the girls, “Should I not eat this?” I dubiously place the fork back down.

  “No, no honestly its fine, I just hope it’s nice.” Meagan giggles.

  “Hell yeah it is!” Lacey laughs shoveling the food into her mouth.

  I pick the fork back up and tuck in, the tastes explode in my mouth and my tongue feels like it’s having a mini orgasm.

  “God Meagan,” I chew, “This is amazing.”

  The girl did well, she was slaving away in the kitchen for hours and she has pulled a rabbit out of the hat, this is exquisite.

  Meagan laughs, “I hope you enjoy it because,” she laughs, “I didn’t make it.”

  “What?” I look at Meagan, “You were out here for hours.”

  “I know,” she plays with her fork, “I was doing so well and it looked lovely until Lacey came in and started pointing out that you’re supposed to remove that little bit of paper, the absorbent pad thing from the ground beef before cooking it.”

  I burst out laughing, “You what? You cooked the little bit of paper?”

  “It gets worse,” Lacey adds continuing her Olympic challenge of eating without chewing.

  I suspiciously eye Meagan, waiting for her to continue.

  “Well it wasn’t melting down so I cut it up with the scissors and stirred it in hoping that would help it melt.” Her eyes look innocent as she speaks.

  I laugh again, my jaw has locked from the hysterics and my fork has fallen out of my hand and bounced across the table spilling food everywhere.

  “Tell her what you did next.” Lacey chimes in again.

  “There’s more?” I squeak out while gasping for air.

  Meagan nods, “Well the recipe called for a chilli pod and well I didn’t know what that was I had chilli powder in a box, so it said put in the chilli pod and I did.” She smiles and takes a mouthful of the food.

  “What she means to say is she put the little sachets of chilli powder into the pan, she didn’t open them she threw the three little bags into the pan still sealed!”

  “No fucking way!” I start to convulse by holding the laughter in but it comes out in an ear shattering, high pitch laugh. “Oh my God, you silly cow.”

  “Room service was very helpful while you were in the bath.” Meagan laughs.

  “Oh thank you,” I cry wiping tears of laughter away from my eyes, “I needed a good laugh.”

  The doorbell ringing interrupts us and Meagan jumps up, “I’ll get it.”

  I’m trying to calm myself but the little giggles of remembrance keep creeping up while I’m chewing and I inhale a little piece of rice. I start coughing loudly and I stand to try and remove it from somewhere deep inside my lung, Lacey jumps up and starts hammering me on the back.

  “Cough it up Ellie, don’t you die on me Bitch!” She laughs.

  “Stop it!” I half choke, half laugh. I grab my drink off the table and drink some but this starts the coughing again, I double over the table and start coughing until it shifts. I stand and take a deep breath and sigh wiping the once tears of laughter, now tears of death from my cheeks.

  “Sheesh, my whole life flashed before my eyes.” I look to Lacey who is staring towards the living room.

  “What’s up?”

  “Ssssh.” She points her finger to me to stay still and be quiet.

  I listen and I hear Meagan talking to someone.

  “No, you listen to me you jumped up dick, you can’t just come swanning over here and expect her to fall at your feet.”

  There’s a mumble in response.

  “No, screw you and your fucking pussywagon!”

  “Who the hell is she swearing at?” I ask Lacey as she blocks my view of the living room, “She’s swearing, we should go in there.”

  “Just stay there Ellie,” La
cey whispers.

  There’s a mumble again, no I need to go and see if she’s ok, before I know it I’ve barged past Lacey and made my way to Meagan.

  Shit! Standing there in front of me is all 6ft of the glorious blue-eyed man I have fantasised about for the past three nights.

  “Ellie I…”

  “What do you want Trey?” I cut him off.

  “I wanted to talk to you, to explain?”

  Meagan turns around to look at me square on, “You don’t have to talk to him.”

  “No it’s fine,” I can’t take my eyes away from his, it’s like he has that hold over me even when I feel so hurt by him, “I’ll be ok.” I break the stare and look at her with a smile.

  “Fine,” she looks at Trey and gives him a cold look, “We’ll be in the kitchen if you need us.” Meagan turns on her heel and walks back to the kitchen where we can see Lacey staring, open-mouthed.

  “You better come in,” I hold the door open for him and wait for him to enter.

  “You look well.” He smiles trying to touch my face but I pull away.

  “We should go in the bedroom, for privacy.” I lead him to my room the whole time pulling my sleeves down and not looking at him. One touch and I’ll melt, I will just succumb to him and I need a clear head to deal with this Oh shit what do I say?

  Thank God Marie cleared my room for me earlier. Trey walks in and removes his jacket, I look at him as if to say you’re not staying long.

  “I’m just hot and tired,” he reassures me.

  “What do you want Trey?”

  “I’ve missed you.” He walks towards me and I start to back away.

  “Missed me?” I snort, “Let’s get over the niceties and down to why you’re really here. If it’s about a kiss and tell then don’t worry I won’t admit to being on your list.”

  “Ellie, my flight landed less than an hour ago. We got straight in the car to come here, I wanted, no needed, to see you.”

  “What the hell? Have you forgotten that four days ago you just upped and left me without a word?”

  “I know, I handled that really badly.” He sits on the edge of my bed.

  “Really badly? You fucking left me, you ran.”

  “I know and I have thought of nothing else since then, I’ve been thinking how I can turn things around so that you will believe what I say…so you trust me.”

  “Trust? Jesus Trey, I don’t trust anyone and then you - I felt safe with you and trusted you with all I had - but you ripped all that out. We’ve known each other a week and I am so angry at myself for trusting you to the extent I did.” I lean back against the wall and look down at my sleeves.

  “I never meant the way it came out in the back of the car you know.”

  I snort.

  “Really, I realise now how it sounded, well I realised as soon as you ran and Michael turned around and gave it to me straight.”

  “It took someone else to point that out?” I‘m shocked.

  “You don’t understand Ellie, from the moment you first ran into me I wanted you.”

  “I know this Trey you’ve said it before.”

  “No, Ellie I wanted you and I ran after you but you’d got in a taxi and gone. I went to go back in and find Jerry but he was off chasing the excuse I gave him and then I found this.” He gets his wallet out and pulls out my ID card. “You had dropped it when you ran out of the building and I’ve kept it on me since.”

  “That’s kind of creepy.” I look at him wearily.

  “No,” he laughs, “I got a room here that day just hoping to meet you again and I did.”

  “So you didn’t have interviews here?”

  “I did but I hadn’t been staying in the hotel, I changed that as soon as your pass told me where you worked and I’m so glad I did.”

  “I got in a lot of trouble losing that.” I look down again.

  “I’m sorry, I had to know more about you, you ran into me and you didn’t know who I was and the rest I’ve said before,” he sighs. “There’s depth to you and I want to know what’s hidden deep inside.”

  I can’t believe I’m hearing this; I have a stalker, a celebrity stalker!

  “My trust in you is shot, gone.” I shake my head pulling my sleeves down.

  “I never meant to treat you the way I did and some of the things I’ve said I don’t… I don’t mean them in the way they come out.”

  Why does he seem so needy and desperate for my approval, this is so not how I expected things to go – hey I didn’t expect to see him again.

  “I want to be with you, this time apart has proven to me that I don’t want to be without you but I want to protect you from the life I lead.”

  “I’m fed up with everyone protecting me, I’m big enough to look after myself now, so please don’t wrap me up in cotton wool like everyone else.” I look at him and see that pained look in his eyes again, which makes me want to walk over and touch his beautiful face.

  “First off I am not ashamed of you, I could never be ashamed of someone as beautiful as you.” He runs his hands through his hair. “Please sit down, I need to explain this to you.”

  I walk over and sit on the edge of the bed keeping a safe distance from him.

  “Do you have any idea what it’s like to be in the public eye all the time?”

  I have a fair idea from back home but for ease I will just play dumb so I shake my head.

  “Every step I make is known about and usually watched or photographed, Christ if I take a piss everyone knows about it!”

  “What has that got to do with me?”

  He reaches his hand over and clasps the tips of my fingers, “I don’t want to drag you into this world, I don’t think you could handle it. Ellie, even now we’re talking you’re looking down at your hands, I can feel you trying to pull away. I want to keep you to myself, I don’t want to share you with anyone.”

  A little smile escapes from within but I try to hide it.

  “You’re so timid and nervous, are you going to tell me you’d be able to handle this, everyone knowing what you’re doing before you even know?”

  “I’m not always timid,” I snap.

  He smiles showing his beautiful teeth, “Not when you’re smart-mouthed, no.”

  “I wasn’t always like this you know.” I look at him, crap lets avoid this.

  He looks at me confused, “What do you mean?”

  “Nothing, why do you want to protect me so much? Surely, if I’m all that you say I am, that just proves my point that our two worlds don’t mix.”

  “But they can, we can try?” He slides towards me.

  After four days of wanting it to happen it has, Trey Thomas is begging me to give us a try and all I can think is ‘No.’

  “I don’t have the strength for this Trey.”

  “Will you please tell me what has made you this way, what you’re so scared of?” He asks trying to look me in the eyes.

  “I can’t,” I shake my head and pull away from him.

  “Ok, I get it actions speak louder than words,” He stands, “Come with me.”

  “What?”

  “Please come with me, bring Meagan and Lacey if you’d feel safer. Please, I know I can’t ask you to trust me but I need to show you something.” He grabs his coat and places my pass card on the bed.

  It’s 6:35pm and I am trying desperately hard to come up with an excuse but my brain has gone on strike, I look in the mirror and realise I’m not dressed.

  “I’m not dressed to go out.”

  “Ok, I’ll go and wait in the lobby till 7pm and if you don’t come down then I know I’ve asked too much of you, I promise I will leave you alone if you don’t come.” He puts his coat on and leans in towards me placing a chaste kiss on my cheek, then leaves the room.

  I’m left speechless, I raise my hand and touch where he kissed, the skin tingles from the magical feeling he’s left behind. Meagan and Lacey come barreling in the room.

  “What happened? Where’s
he gone?” Meagan starts with a barrage of questions.

  They both take a seat surrounding me.

  “He said he missed me and realises he was wrong in his actions.” I take a breath, do I really want all this agro?

  “And?” Lacey jumps in.

  “He said he knows actions speak louder than words, he wants us all to go and meet him in the lobby by seven to go and do something to prove he means what he says.”

  “So what does he say? Does he want to be with you?” Meagan pulls my hand away from my wrist.

  I nod and stand debating whether to grab clothes from the wardrobe, I walk away and head for the kitchen. I feel a presence behind me as I start scraping plates into the bin.

  “Are you going to meet him?” Lacey asks.

  I place the plate on the side and shrug, “I don’t know.”

  “What are you scared of?” Meagan asks, walking up to me and placing her hand on my shoulder.

  “I don’t know anymore.” I reply scraping another plate, although I can’t see them, I can feel their eyes talking to each other with looks.

  “Well I still think he’s a grade A dick for the way he treated you and...”

  “Yes but he’s obviously making an effort, isn’t it better to live a life regretting something you did than something you didn’t do?” Lacey interrupts Meagan

  “Your psychology major going well then?” I look at Lacey smiling and she pokes her tongue out at me.

  Where are the duo when I need them? No! I scream at myself what have you really got to lose by going to see what he wants?

  I turn to look at the girls who are standing, frozen just watching me.

  “What’s the time?” I ask

  “6:50,” Meagan answers.

  “Right, well looks like we’re going to see what Mr. Thomas has lined up for us.”

  Lacey jumps up and down and Meagan rolls her eyes.

  “Best hurry then,” Lacey pushes me towards the bedroom where I go in and throw on some leggings keeping my baggy black jumper on. I slip on my boots and run my fingers through my hair trying to put some of the towel-dried kink back into my dead straight, thin blonde hair. Not that he deserves any effort on my part, but I still don’t want to look a mess for him so I put on a bit of eyeliner and mascara. I exit the room where both the girls are waiting anxiously just outside my door.