Remember Me (Weaver Series)

by Dena Nicotra

  “I am sure that in time you will discover your energy source back there in Mayberry.”

  “Excuse me? I scoffed, oh no, tell me you did not just refer to my hometown as Mayberry.”

  “I’m sorry Joey. It’s just that you should know more than you do. I think it is cute as hell, but how you have survived is beyond me.” He shook his head and looked at me with what appeared to be pity. “Well, at least you are here now. So tell me Joey, when did you first realize you could weave?” He asked and propped his elbows on the table and stared at me.

  “I—I guess it was…” I hesitated.

  “It’s not a trick question Joey.”

  “I know, it’s just not a question that I have ever had to answer.” I was stalling. After Kalan’s last warning, I didn’t know what I should or should not say. It was extremely difficult to try to answer a question while simultaneously shouting for someone across the span of my brain. It was no use. My guardian brain angel was nowhere to be found. “I guess as long as I can remember.” I lied.

  “You mean you don’t have a memory of your first weave?”

  “Nope.” I said and pulled the top of my drink so that I could shake the ice into my mouth. I was simultaneously hiding under my mental blanket and hoping it was working.

  Kess cocked his head to the side and smiled. His coffee colored eyes seemed to size me up. “That’s interesting.”

  “What’s your first memory?” I asked trying to shift the focus off of myself. Fortunately, Kess was more than willing to share about himself and spent the next hour telling me about his family and the long line of weavers that he descended from. Apparently, weavers were considered guardians for mortal life and I had been squandering my abilities. We spent the rest of the day wandering down the beach and in and out of the shops along the peer. His lectures continued along the way.

  I found that I was more that eager to learn what I could about my abilities and even managed to impress Kess a time or two with my weaves. As the sun began to set we found a bench that looked out at the water where we could sit and rest. My arms were loaded with bags from my purchases and it felt good to set them down. I stretched my arms over my head and yawned. It had been a long day.

  “So you are telling me that there are dark and light weavers?” I asked.

  “Uh-huh. Every weaver is charged with guarding the dark or the light. Or the good versus the bad. Some, however, are capable of both.” He whispered the latter comment.

  “So how do you know which one you are?”

  “You mean you don’t know? He laughed. “That’s not surprising since you apparently know very little about your lineage. I think it is pretty obvious that your threads are light.” He added and stood to stretch his back.

  “Does that mean that I am weaker because I’m a Light Weaver?”

  “No, of course not.”

  I bit the skin on the side of my thumbnail. “Oh, okay good. So Kess, what are you?”

  His smile made the hairs on the back of my neck stand up. If it were not for Kalan’s words, I would never have trusted this guy in the first place.

  “Now that really hurts Joey. After all the time we have spent together you don’t know?”

  “Light?” I offered.

  “Right.” He replied and winked.

  “Oh good, for a minute there I thought that I was hanging out with one of the devil’s minions.” I wiggled my fingers at him for dramatic emphasis. In truth, I wasn’t completely convinced that I was with a saint either, but I saw him as more of a womanizer than an evil seed.

  “No. That’s not me. Though, I have been called worse” he said with a laugh.

  The wind was picking up again and with the sun quickly setting, the temperature seemed to drop dramatically. I felt cold and exhausted. Despite the enjoyable drive, I decided it was better to use my own way to get home. I thanked Kessler for the lessons and we arranged to meet on the pier at the same bench on Friday. That gave me a little time to rest and get settled in.

  I was grateful to be back in my apartment, even if it wasn’t quite home to me. Every bone in my body ached and my head was pounding. I made a hot cup of chai tea and curled up on my bed, pulling the covers up around me while I watched television. My toes still felt sandy, but I was too tired to care. I set my cup on the nightstand, turned off the lamp and television and sank into my pillows. The darkness engulfed me and I fell into restless dreams.

  My Papaw and I were holding hands and walking through the rows of a blooming cotton field. I in one row, he in the next. It was so quiet and he began to tell me something about a gift. I tried to understand but nothing he said made any sense. Something about a mineshaft, and a girl named Genessa. The field was green and the sun was shining brightly, warming my back. In the next moment the bolls were nearly empty. Each plant was dry, russet colored and void of their fluffy white treasures. The withered stems scratched my bare legs as I ran. The sky was dreary and bruised with rain clouds. I screamed for my Papaw. A dull sense of loss filled me with dread. Before I could scream again, I heard my Mamaw call my name. I twirled around to see her in the distance near the tree line by the bayou. Her hair was pulled up in her usual bun and even from a distance I could make out her familiar blue cornflower apron. She was motioning for me to hurry. All at once I knew something was behind me. Chasing me. I didn’t dare turn around, but as hard as I ran, my legs would not move fast enough and I never got any closer to her.

  The scene shifted and I was on a Ferris wheel. Deranged carnival music filled the air and the chair rocked. I was way too high! The chair continued to climb despite my screams. As I continued to beg for help, I could hear the faint laughter of a girl. Frantically I looked below and saw a dark figure with green eyes glaring up at me. “My blanket!” I screamed and shoved the covers off of my head.

  I sat up in bed, sweat running down my neck. The red digital numbers on my alarm clock read 4:30. I took several deep breaths to calm myself before climbing out of bed to go get a drink of milk from the kitchen. This was a habit I’d had since childhood. My Momma would get me a little cup of milk if I had bad dreams and it stayed with me as I got older. I flicked on the light hoping that the sterility of fluorescent lighting would somehow chase away the surreal feelings.

  “I am so sorry Joey,” came the familiar voice. I had to brace myself against the counter.

  “Why are you doing this to me?” I voiced this to my empty weaver-baked kitchen, and felt the hot sting of tears. His voice was firm and clearer than it had been since I had first heard it.

  “I know that you are afraid, and I am so sorry for that. I just need you to trust me.” I thought I heard a quaver in his voice. “I am counting on you.”

  “Counting on me for what?” I pleaded. My whole life was in an upheaval and I could feel the strands of doubt twining around me. Maybe I was going crazy. Maybe Kalan was a figment of my imagination. After all, how many girls could rearrange their lives and those around them? What if I was totally insane and only thought that I could change things. Maybe I was a complete nut case that chased delusions; like that story I had done a book report for in English class about The Yellow Wallpaper. The poor lady went completely buggy because her life was too much to handle, and she spent her last days trying to tear a ghost out of the funky wallpaper.

  I opened the refrigerator and poured myself a small cup of milk. My hands quivered as I sipped it slowly and fought back the shudders that raked my body. Maybe I was a crazy lady. Maybe I really was losing my grip on my sanity. Oh God, what if I never had my sanity at all? I finished my milk and sat down on the cool linoleum floor drawing my knees up. The tears were flowing freely now. Fetal position felt comforting. The last thing I remembered was a voice in the distance that seemed to be humming softly. I woke up freezing three hours later. My whole body felt stiff and I was utterly shocked to see a form sitting with his back to my refrigerator staring down at me.

  “Kalan?” I whispered hoarsely. I immediately recognized him, but so
mething was not right. I could see him, but I could also see through him. He wasn’t solid. I crawled on my hands and knees toward him, not caring in the least that I was not dressed appropriately. His smile made me feel at home, even if I could see the banana magnet through the top of his head. A quick shift of my knees brought me face to face with him and I reached to stroke the air where his cheek would be.

  “Joey, we do not have a lot of time.” The voice was in my head and it was a crushing blow to be so close and yet so far from him at the same time. How I longed to feel his arms around me, to rest my head against his chest. Yet when I tried, I felt only the cold refrigerator door.

  “Shhh baby. Don’t cry.” He soothed. I rocked back and sat looking at his smoky presence. A plethora of questions were swirling in my mind. How could this be happening? Salty tears reached my lips and I wiped my cheek with the back of my hand. I felt a sick sense of loss, like the way I felt when I looked at pictures of my Papaw after he passed away -- comforted and miserable at the same time. It was almost unbearable. I stood and was surprised when he did too. My legs felt shaky and I was vaguely aware of my chattering teeth. I wrapped my arms around myself and shivered.

  “Go back to your bed.” His lips did not move but I could hear him clearly. I nodded and wandered down the hall, glancing over my shoulder to make sure he was following me. I crawled into my bed, and watched him do the same. His face was so close to mine. Despite the fact that I could see the night stand through him, I focused on his expression. He seemed content and nonetheless, equally sad. In a momentary lapse of perception, I attempted to reach out to him and found myself disappointed when I clutched the pillow. “Oh my God Kalan, I need you.” I cried. This just wasn’t fair. Nothing made any sense to me anymore. I wanted to appear less vulnerable, but it just wasn’t possible. “I don’t think that I am strong enough for all of this.” I said, sounding more than a little defeated.

  “Pull your blanket up.” He whispered. When I did, I felt a sudden rush. It was as if I was falling through a dark hole. One minute I was screaming and the next, I was standing in front of an oddly familiar Cypress tree. The water of the bayou lapped softly against the muddy bank. My pajama bottoms were wet and my feet were bare. These observations were random and mingled with rapid awareness of my surroundings.

  I scrambled to weave, changing my clothing first because the fear of water moccasins was my first thought. Bare feet was not going to work for even one second longer. The weight of a hand on my shoulder stopped me before I could do anything else. I whirled around to see Kalan, and was washed in warmth the moment his eyes met mine. “Oh good God, you scared me!” I blurted. My heart pounding like a wild animal caught in a trap.

  “Shhh,” he raised one perfect finger to my lips. Realizing he was no longer transparent, I reached up to touch his cheek and when he lowered his face to me I drank in the cedar scent that was unmistakably his. Every nerve in my body was alive and resonating. Slowly his lips brushed mine and I stood on the tips of my toes to accept his kiss. My hands made their way to his waist so that I could pull him closer. I couldn’t get close enough. Nothing in my personality matched my actions, but I didn’t care. We were meant for each other and being with him made me feel whole.

  Everything I had done was in an effort to reach this moment. The earth could have fallen from space and it would not have mattered. Kalan was my world. To feel his lips against mine was enough to take away every bit of sorrow I had felt. Those melancholy feelings that had absorbed me gave way to something visceral.

  It almost seemed like each kiss pulled me under, like the current of the ocean. I couldn’t be more willing to drown. His hands were gentle as he cradled the sides of my face. My skin felt hot beneath the coolness of his palms. How desperately I wanted more. His lips made their way to my neck and I felt a new rush of heat surge through my flesh. A soft moan escaped my lips and I leaned against the tree to keep from falling. Each kiss felt like bolts of lightning zapping my bloodstream. I was willing to surrender anything in that moment.

  He kissed me back with a passion that matched my own and I let go of any doubts that I had for coming to California in that moment. His flesh was real. His kiss was real. There was no denying what we both wanted to happen next. I tugged at his shirt buttons and jerked his shirt over his beautiful shoulders.

  At the same time, he unfastened the button on my jeans and traced his fingers along the lower part of my abdomen. I thought I might pass out from the heat that engulfed my body. I finally had my Kalan. He was in my arms and as warm and real as life itself. I’d never done what I was about to do, but I’d never been more ready. I was sure that if we prolonged this any longer I would go insane from the desire I felt. His warm hands continued to stroke my sides ever so gently as he planted little kisses on my neck. My knees threatened to buckle and then…he completely stopped. I looked up into his vacant eyes and felt the heat escape from between us. Then as if he heard something in the distance that terrified him, he jerked back.

  “What’s wrong?” I pleaded, searching his face for answers.

  “We don’t have much time.” He said. I bit my lip to keep from crying. “I have been so foolish with this time, I should be explaining and instead I—“

  “Don’t say that Kalan. I don’t want to think of any time spent with you as a waste, or foolish.” I spoke so low that I wasn’t sure he even heard me.

  “It’s not that our time together is a waste” He shook his head slowly from side to side. “It’s that I don’t know when we’ll have this again.” He stressed this with such sorrow in his voice. A part of me wanted to scream because I was so frustrated. I just wanted to open my mouth and scream and scream until I had no voice left at all. Not that this would do any good of course, but I didn’t know what to do. Nothing made any sense.

  The other part of me wanted to implore him to return and continue where we left off. Damn the consequences, whatever they were and just let us have what time we could together. From the look on his face, I knew that wasn’t an option.

  Regaining his composure, he sighed and ran his fingers through his hair. The white-blonde mixed with the darker shades underneath and I was distracted by a familiar thought. Like déjà vu…or was it presque vu ? Kalan stepped away from me and put his hands on his forehead. I watched his body sway and he staggered to reclaim his balance. I couldn’t get to him fast enough. As I started toward him, he collapsed on the damp ground in front of me. I screamed his name and watched helplessly as his eyes rolled back in his head and his solid presence began to transition to something murky.

  I sat in the wet leaves trying to pull his limp body to my lap, but my hands grasped the wet dirt beneath him.

  “Kalan, can you hear me?” I tucked my loose hair behind my ears. Crying, I bent over to kiss his lips. Please God, don’t let me lose him again I prayed. If I could just get him somewhere warm and dry. Something was terribly wrong. I could feel it deep in my soul. The thought of anything happening to him made me feel helpless and terrified.

  “Please remember me,” he uttered before closing his eyes. Desperate, I closed my eyes and thought of my apartment, focusing on the small details. If I could just get us back under the blanket, maybe I could save him. The red digital display of my clock came into focus and I realized with shock that I was in my bed, and Kalan was no longer with me. I threw the covers back and sat up to gulp in air. My mind was racing. What had just happened? Where was he? I scrambled from the bed and shouted his name as I ran down the hall, but the kitchen was empty…I was alone. I felt a sense of loss that threatened to crumple me. I had to find him. Nothing had ever meant more to me. I wiped away the silent tears that spilled down my face. “I will find you,” I whispered hoping he could hear me.

  The next three days were a blur. I had not heard from Kalan and while thoughts of him consumed me, I wandered through the hours with little purpose. I called my Momma Thursday night and listened as she went on and on about my sister’s social life. Her new b
oyfriend, her lead in the upcoming play, perfect prom dress (a shade of blue that matched her eyes positively perfect), and how much she was going to be involved in the spring session of cheerleader camp. Blah, blah, blah – my Momma yabbered on and on without so much as a pause to let me interject about my own life. I loved my little sister and the truth was, I had done a lot of arranging for her. Bailey was a shy little thing when she first started school but with a little sisterly assistance she managed quite well. Since Momma always wanted to be that outgoing, cheerleader type when she was young there was no stopping the ‘living vicariously through your child’ phenomena that took over in our house; a fact that got on my nerves more than a little at times.

  It was a relief not to have to go into details about my own life, but at the same time, it was frustrating not to be asked.

  “Momma? I asked just before we hung up, how’s Mamaw?” The pause was so long I thought she’d already hung up.

  “She’s fine baby. She’s not exactly living in reality with the rest of us, but she’s happy and that’s all we can ask for.” There was an undercurrent of annoyance in her voice. It was subtle, but it let me know how much of a strain this was on her. Momma didn’t do well with situations that required her to devote too much of her attention in any direction she didn’t favor. Not that she was ever vocal about her displeasures, but I knew very well how she felt.

  I made a mental note to email my sister to congratulate her and promised to call again in a week to check in. I went to the living room window and looked out at the pool. The courtyard was empty and the sky was tinged with pink. The day was nearly over and I had done absolutely nothing. I hadn’t eaten, I hadn’t even gotten out of my pajamas. I leaned my forehead against the window and sighed. I needed to get out of this apartment. For three days I had done nothing but wait for Kalan to return or to at least talk to me. The silence was too much. If he wasn’t going to come to me, I had to find a way to go to him.