by Mary Ting
Dearest Claudia,
Happy Birthday!
In my heart, in my soul—M
“In my heart, in my soul?!?! Who’s M???”
My heart skipped a beat, startled by Patty’s voice. She was reading over my shoulder. I hadn’t noticed her behind me. My instinct was to hide the letter, but it was too late. She immediately crossed her arms, tapping her foot on the floor, while grinning from ear to ear.
“I…I…he—” She didn’t even give me a chance to finish.
“I can’t believe my best friend didn’t tell me she has a boyfriend.” She sounded disappointed.
“Boyfriend? No. Not at all. It’s not like that. I…” I didn’t know what to say. “I just met him.”
“Okay, then at least tell me his name?”
I knew she wouldn’t budge until I told her. “M stands for Michael,” I said, giving her a look asking if she was satisfied.
“Nice name,” she said, nodding and smiling. She didn’t stop there. “Where does he go to school? Where did you meet him? How old is he?” She asked me a ton of questions.
How could I ever explain to her that I was in love with my guardian angel? She would think that I was crazy and needed some psychiatric help. “Do you believe in angels?” I asked, out of the blue, hoping her answer would guide me to what and how much I should disclose of my secrets. However, these were not my secrets to tell, so I decided not to say anything.
“I guess. I mean they did exist a long time ago. Why are you changing the subject?”
“No, I’m not changing the subject. I…um…” Should I tell her? I wanted to badly, but I knew that it would mean that I might be putting her life in danger, and I couldn’t do that to her. I had to protect her, even if it meant keeping the truth from her.
“Why do you ask, Claudia?” Patty looked confused.
“I…well…nothing.” I was searching for the right words.
Suddenly, her eyes narrowed on my neckline. “Who gave you that beautiful necklace?”
“What?” I was caught off guard. I had forgotten about it. I couldn’t think fast enough, so I ended up telling her the truth. “Michael gave it to me,” I said quickly as if it was no big deal. I felt guilty that I couldn’t tell her the whole truth, but it was a small step towards the day I hoped to tell her everything.
“A guy doesn’t give a girl a necklace like that one unless you mean something to him,” she said with a smile. “Do you know in some cultures, a butterfly is a symbol for a young man in love?”
“Really?” I said in surprise, trying not to appear excited at the thought that Michael could be in love with me. Knowing Patty, she was trying to read my face. I had to give her my ultimate serious look.
“Nope,” I said, plain and simple, while straightening out the shirts hanging on the racks, hoping she wouldn’t notice my flushed face.
“Other cultures believe that the butterfly represents the soul. Maybe he’s telling you that his soul belongs to you, huh?” she asked playfully, obviously teasing me. “How romantic,” she said and let out a heavy sigh. Her elbow was lightly pressed on the rack, and she looked straight up to the ceiling, as if her dream man had appeared right in front of her eyes.
I looked at her and let out a small giggle. “In my culture, a butterfly represents a gift to say happy birthday, and that’s it,” I said and turned on my heel to move on to the next rack of clothes.
Patty shadowed right behind me. “So, do I get to meet him or what?”
“Meet whom?” I replied, pretending not to understand.
“I can’t believe you! I get it. You’re embarrassed of me!”
“No, it’s not like that. You’re my best friend. Stop being so ridiculous!”
“What’s wrong? You know you can tell me anything, don’t you?” Patty said tenderly.
“Yes, it’s just that he is really nice, and I don’t think this relationship will go far,” I said, telling her the truth.
“Sorry, I didn’t mean to upset you, especially on your birthday. I’m sure you’ll tell me more when you are ready,” she said, looking preoccupied. She walked toward the cash register and reached down.
I was relieved that she dropped the subject. What could I say to make her understand? I didn’t even understand it myself. How could I explain our relationship—one that was forbidden? As I was pondering these thoughts, Patty stood up and surprised me with a wrapped box that had “Happy Birthday” all over it.
“Thanks, Patty!” I said while giving her a tight squeeze.
“Oh, it’s nothing. I saw you admiring it, and I wanted to get it for you.”
“Thank you so much. You are always so thoughtful.” I hugged her again. I couldn’t remember what I was previously marveling at; regardless, whatever it was, I was thankful.
“A friend hears unspoken words,” she said and smiled back. “Open it and try it on before it gets busy again.”
“What? What if Mrs. Lee walks in?”
“Don’t worry, she won’t be in. It’s Saturday.”
“Oh yeah, I forgot. You told me she never comes in on Saturdays,” I said and started to open the box with anticipation. My eyes brightened as I pulled out a black chiffon dress with gold trimmings and a sash that tied at the back to accentuate the waist. “Patty!” I called her name with excitement. “Thank you so much!” I hugged her again. “I absolutely love it! Now I have something to wear to Ryan’s birthday party.”
“Ryan? Your ex-boyfriend?” She sounded disgusted and surprised.
“Yes,” I said slowly, knowing she would disapprove. “It’s at the Grand View Hotel, so I need something nice to wear.”
“The show-off who likes to fan his money around? The one who thinks he is above everyone else?”
“Yes. No. I mean, he wasn’t that bad,” I said in his defense. “Anyway, I broke it off, remember. We’re still friends. And plus, he invited practically the whole senior class.”
“Yeah, the whole senior girl class,” she said sarcastically. Then her eyes got bigger as she said excitedly, “Did you say the Grand View Hotel? The…Grand View Hotel?”
“Uh huh,” I said slowly.
“Too bad I don’t go to your school. Maybe I’ll crash the party.” She arched a brow. “See, show-off,” she muttered.
I shot her a “give him a break” look.
“Okay , he went out with you. He must have half a heart.”
I shot her the look again.
“Okay, he had a heart for six months and then lost it,” she said giggling.
I shook my head laughing softly, grabbed the dress, and headed toward the dressing room. My heart pounded rapidly and I stopped abruptly, recalling that dreadful night. I took a deep breath and walked in. As I undressed in the dressing room, I could see what was left of the wound that had healed almost completely. The bite mark left four tiny scars; evidence of Julia’s existence. I placed my hand over them as flashbacks of that terrifying night came to mind. I snapped back to reality when I heard Patty’s voice.
“I’m waiting!” Patty yelled.
“Hold your horses. I’m coming out!” I yelled back.
“You don’t have to yell, I’m right here.”
“Sorry,” I said, smiling as I stepped out of the dressing room. Turning side to side, I looked in the mirror and back to Patty to see if she approved. Patty looked proud of herself. “Thanks, Patty. I don’t know what to say.”
“You’re welcome.” She smiled. “I love it on you! This dress was meant for you. Watch out, senior class, here comes Claudia,” she teased.
I blushed, but it wasn’t the senior class that I wanted to see me all dressed up. Would I ever have the opportunity to show Michael? “Are you telling me the truth, or are you selling?” I winked.
“Look at yourself in the mirror, and there is your answer.”
“Thank you for my beautiful gift,” I said and gave her a long hug again.
“I’m glad you like it. Someone’s gotta dress you pretty. Now ge
t back to work.”
“Yes, boss,” I said sharply, and then we both laughed.
Patty attended to a customer who had just walked in, and I quickly changed back into my jeans and T-shirt. Since it was a typical busy Saturday, time flew. I was scheduled to work only a half day, since Patty knew that it was my birthday when she set the schedule. I was happy to get off work early, since I was eager to visit Gamma.
Chapter 10
Gamma lived in a two-bedroom house, a couple of blocks from where I lived. I could have parked my car at home and walked to her house, but I wanted to show her my new car. Anxious to see her, I quickly ran toward the front door and banged on it, as if I was going to break it down.
“I’m coming,” she exclaimed in her loud voice, which wasn’t very loud.
When she opened the door, I flung my arms around her tiny body and kissed her on her cheeks several times. It always amazed me how beautiful her short curly white hair looked on her. Most elderly people have gray hair, but her hair was a pure shade of white. And it was all natural, not dyed; that was the beauty of it.
“I missed you! It’s been too long,” I said even though I saw her practically every Sunday.
“Come in. Come in.”
My eyes automatically went to her hands that were holding a wooden red rosary. I felt a little uncomfortable interrupting her, assuming she was praying. It amazed me how her house always looked so tidy, not a picture frame out of place.
“I see you got a new car, but then again, I knew before you,” she teased.
“You knew I was getting a car?” I asked excitedly. “Mom told you.”
Of course she would share that kind of information with her since they spoke practically on a daily basis. She led me to the window. We could clearly see my parked car.
“It’s beautiful,” she said, and I noticed the wrinkles on her forehead.
She looked tired and older today. She sat in her rocking chair and took a deep breath.
“Tired, Gamma?” I asked while I helped her place the blanket on her lap.
“I’m just old, honey. You know, I’m eighty-eight years old.”
“You don’t look that old,” I stated.
She smiled, and her eyes fixated outside the window toward my car. “You know, when I was your age, I had a car too. It was the most exciting feeling. That was a very long time ago. Now, I’d rather not drive. Tell me, what are your plans?”
“I’m meeting Mom for dinner, but you probably already know.”
She smiled. As I continued to speak, I sat facing her to give her my full attention, and that was when I saw her eyeing my necklace.
“Beautiful,” she commented while placing it gently on the palm of her hand. I froze. I had forgotten to hide it underneath my shirt. I didn’t want to make it obvious that I was trying to keep it a secret, so I relaxed after my initial shock.
“This gift was not from your mother. Who could have given such a beautiful gift to you? Perhaps a gentleman?”
I didn’t say a word. I didn’t know what to say.
“Love is everything when you find it. It can take you places and make you feel like you’ve never felt before. It makes you strong, and at the same time, it can make you feel vulnerable because you give all of yourself completely. Humans are unique because we can feel it and give it. Am I boring you with love talk?” Her eyes widened questioningly.
“No, Gamma, not at all.” I knew what she meant because I felt it. I wanted to tell her the truth, but what would she think? When words fail me, my emotions take over. I didn’t know what possessed me; I lunged into her lap and started sobbing. I couldn’t stop. I was overwhelmed with all that I had endured lately, and I just broke down. I thought about my friend Claudia, angels, alkins, fallen, and Michael. Everything happened so fast.
“What’s wrong, honey?” she asked, worriedly. “Did I say something to offend you?”
Gamma was always there for me when I needed a bandage on my cut. She was always there for me when I needed a good cry, and she knew how to comfort me and make me feel safe. This was the first time I couldn’t open up to her, and I felt crushed. I felt like I was doing something behind her back, but this was one secret I couldn’t tell her, no matter how guilty I felt. I couldn’t answer her. I just continued to sob.
“Are these tears of pain, sadness, or happiness? I can’t help you if you don’t tell me,” she asked tenderly.
They were tears of all the above. I finally managed to stop and wiped my tears. I wanted to ask her questions, but I didn’t know where to start. I thought of many different ways to approach it, but I had to start with the first question that came to mind.
“Do you believe in angels?” I asked, hesitantly.
She looked stunned, and answered with a troubled look on her face. “Yes.”
“Why? How do you believe in something you cannot see?”
She was searching for words. She closed her eyes tightly, then reopened them. I don’t know what I had expected her to say, but I was disappointed. I thought, being as religious as she was, she would have some answers.
“Well, I…that’s a good question. I just do, honey. Why do you ask this question? Did something happen?”
I didn’t answer her, instead I immediately asked another. “Do you believe in God?”
“Yes,” she said, as I had expected.
“I don’t know what I believe,” I said, worried about what she would think of me. “I don’t understand why He would allow bad things to happen to good people and why He would allow good people to suffer.” I was thinking about Claudia and her tragic death.
“Well, it is difficult to believe in someone you can’t see. I don’t know why some people just believe and some people question His existence, but you wouldn’t be human if you didn’t question it. It doesn’t make you a bad person. Humans are special beings because we have the freedom to make good or bad choices. Bad and good things happen to all people. If things happen beyond our control, then it was just meant to be. Everything in this universe is about balance. If there is good, there must be bad. If there is happiness, there must be sadness. But one thing is for sure, there is always a light at the end. You just have to be patient and believe. Humans are all different, and life experiences mold us to become who we are. I cannot tell you to believe or not to believe. You, and only you, will find the truth. It might be tomorrow, or in a year. Who knows? It is something you will find in your own time.”
“Do you think less of me?” I asked, not able to look her in the eyes.
“Of course not, Claudia,” she said, lifting my chin. “You have much to experience, and I will never judge you.”
She had never judged me. I had been perfect to her in every way since the day I was born. In her eyes, I was special, and I could do no wrong. She was my comfort zone, and that was one of the many reasons why I loved being with her. Listening to her words of wisdom, I placed my arms around her small belly and lay my head on her lap again. As I let Gamma’s words sink in, I felt like a little girl longing to feel safe and accepted.
We continued to enjoy each other’s company, with me chatting about school and work, when we were interrupted by Gamma’s phone. I immediately thought of Mom. I hadn’t realized that I had been there for two hours, and I was late for dinner.
“I’ll tell her to meet you there,” she said quietly. “No, no, no…you girls catch up. I’m sure. Talk to you later,” she said and hung up the phone.
I stood up, not wanting to leave. Gamma walked me to the door.
“Why won’t you come out to dinner with us?” I asked.
“I want you to have your time with your mom. I’ll only get in the way.”
“Gamma, that’s not true,” I said, thinking she was always considerate of other people’s feelings. She wanted Mom and me to have our quality time together, since I didn’t get to see her that often. And I knew that once she made up her mind, she stuck to it. I knew there was no way I could convince her to come out with us, so I
didn’t bother to pursue it.
Gamma opened the door. “Have a wonderful dinner with your mom. Oh! I almost forgot,” she said as she placed an item around my wrist. “I had this made especially for you. It was blessed by Father Roy. May you find comfort and peace in whatever lies ahead.”
It was a bracelet made with brown-colored stones. In the center was a cross that blended with the bracelet so it was hardly noticeable. There was a symbolic meaning behind her gift, and it was a fashionable way for a teenager to hold a rosary.
“This one is for you to wear, and this one is for your car.”
They looked exactly alike. “Oh Gamma, they’re beautiful. I will wear it all the time, and I will put this one in my car.” I placed my gifts over my heart to show her how much I appreciated her thoughtfulness. “I love you,” I said, as I kissed both of her cheeks and hugged her before I headed out to my car.
“Happy birthday!” she said excitedly. “And drive carefully! Don’t stay out too late! And call me later!”
I turned to wave good-bye, blew a kiss, and drove away to meet Mom for dinner.
“Mom!” I waved to her where she was seated at a booth waiting for me. “I’m sorry. I lost track of time.”
She got out of her seat to hug me. “It’s all right, honey. It’s been a while since you got to spend some quality one-on-one time with Gamma. How is she?”
“She’s fine, but she looks so frail,” I said worriedly.
“That’s what happens when you get old. Don’t worry. I’ll go check on her later. She is strong, and you know how stubborn she is. I guess you couldn’t convince her to come out with us.”
“Nope.”
“What would you like to eat?” she asked, changing the subject.
“The usual, the house special hamburger, please,” I replied. “I’m so hungry, I could eat a horse.”
“That hungry, huh?” She laughed softly. “Anything else?” she asked lovingly.