Wrath

by Victoria Christopher Murray

  The thought of that made me snuggle deeper into his embrace, and his arms tightened. I smiled; even in his sleep, he held me as if he would always protect me.

  It amazed me that I was thinking about Xavier in terms of always. But it was hard not to see into the future, hard to think there would be a time when all of this between us would come to an end. Being with him was always so wonderful. Just like last night…

  Eight hours before:

  My first shoe was off the moment I crossed the threshold of the apartment. Once I closed the door, I dropped my tote bag right there, kicked off my other shoe, and began a striptease that left a trail of clothes through the hall, into the living room, and straight to the master bedroom. By the time I stood in front of the jacuzzi tub, I was naked and ready for a relaxing soak.

  This would be the first Friday since Xavier and I had met when we wouldn’t be together. But that cliché about all good things ending was cool in this case—I needed this time, because the next few weeks were going to be epic with the face-to-face negotiations working out Tasha Rose’s divorce.

  Within ten minutes of coming home, every part of me from my lips down was soaking in a bath filled with ylang-ylang oil and lavender salts. My own Quiet Storm playlist filled the air, and I closed my eyes, falling into the music.

  At your best, you are love…

  You’re a positive motivating force within my life…

  The song made me push deeper into the warmth of the water. Maybe I’d fallen so hard and so fast for Xavier because he was my motivating force. Or maybe I was his. I settled inside those thoughts as I sang along with new lyrics, dozens of songs, until the water became too chill. Now my plan was to do nothing more than to set up a plate of cheese and crackers, along with a couple of glasses of wine.

  Just as I had the food and wine arranged, my landline rang. There was only one reason I had that line—that was my connection to the building’s concierge.

  “Ms. Jeffries,” the gentleman said when I answered. “You have a delivery.”

  “That’s fine,” I said, wondering why he was calling when all packages were held for us. “I’ll pick it up in the morning.”

  “It’s not a package,” he said. “A gentleman has a delivery for you from a Mr. Xavier King.”

  What had Xavier done? Flowers? A box of chocolate? “Okay,” I said, hoping I didn’t sound as giddy as I felt. “Send him up.” I wrapped my bathrobe tighter as I made my way to the front door. When I opened the door before the delivery person even rang the bell, I was surprised to find a young black man in a black suit, holding an envelope instead of flowers.

  “Ms. Jeffries.” He handed me the envelope.

  My smile was mixed with a bit of a frown as I slid out the handwritten note:

  I know you’re winding down, but after seeing you earlier, I didn’t want this Friday to end without being with you. Fridays are our days. So if you get here in the next thirty minutes, you’ll beat the midnight hour… Love, X.

  There wasn’t a Cheshire cat in the world who had anything on me when I glanced up at the young man. “I’ll meet you downstairs in ten minutes.”

  The man hadn’t even finished nodding before I closed the door in his face. I’d apologize once I got downstairs, but right now, I had to get ready for my midnight rendezvous. In less than ten minutes, I was in the back of a town car, dressed in a pair of jeans, a tank top, and a navy blazer. And by the time the clock ticked to midnight, my lips—and really, every part of my anatomy—were pressed against Xavier King.

  THE MEMORY OF the hours that followed made me sigh. But then I rolled away, although I didn’t get far. Xavier grabbed my waist and pulled me into a hug.

  “Where are you going?” His voice was filled with sleep and lust.

  “Nowhere,” I said. “I was just…”

  He rested his chin on my shoulder. “You’re feeling guilty?”

  My answer: I rolled over, faced him, and kissed his nose.

  His response: “You are.”

  “I’m sorry,” I said. “I don’t want you to ever think I don’t love being with you. And I’ll get over it. I always do.”

  “But guilt is not what I want you to feel when you’re with me.”

  “And it’s not guilt, not really. I can’t explain it.”

  “I can,” he said, pushing himself up. He rubbed his eyes before he leaned against the headboard. “You were raised a certain way; you believe a certain thing.” With his fingertips, he traced the side of my face. “I get it.”

  My shoulders relaxed. “Thank you for never making me feel ridiculous,” I said, grateful I had a man who held no judgment.

  “But what are we going to do about this?”

  It didn’t sound as if he was serious, so I said, “Well, we can be celibate forever,” and then I chuckled, expecting Xavier to join me in the joke.

  But even though he said, “That’s an option,” he didn’t crack a smile. He added, “Or…” He rolled to his left and reached into the nightstand drawer. Even when he pulled out a velvet box, I didn’t get it. Even when he turned and faced me, I didn’t get it. But when he flipped that box open, my mouth did the same.

  “Chastity, there haven’t been a lot of good things to come into my life,” he began.

  I wanted to look at him, but my eyes were stuck on the box, or rather, on the diamond that glittered inside.

  He continued, “But I must’ve done something amazing for you to happen to me. I never dreamed I could be with a woman who would laugh with me, cry with me, a woman who lets me be me.”

  I pressed my hand against my chest, trying to figure out what was happening, but it was hard to think with this jewel glimmering in my face.

  Xavier said, “I loved you from the moment I saw you. And what I know now is I want to spend the rest of my life trying to make you as happy as you’ve made me.”

  “Xavier” was all I could get out.

  He kept on, “You’ve given me peace, you’ve given me hope, but most of all you’ve given me love. So can we continue this journey? Together? Can you take this walk with me as my wife?”

  His words were so beautiful, even more so than the diamond that tried to blind me. But his words, this ring—what was he doing?

  My hesitation made him ask, “What’s wrong?”

  “Nothing. It’s just… this seems so fast.” Moving my eyes from the ring, I said, “Xavier, we’ve only known each other two months.”

  “But I’ve had so much bad in my life I know when I’ve found my good thing. So yeah, this may be fast for someone who is looking in, but from where we stand, this is right.”

  My first response was: No, this feels wrong, but I didn’t say that. I said nothing, and the silence continued for seconds and seconds and seconds.

  It continued for so long that Xavier pressed his lips together, slammed the box shut, and said, “Forget it. I don’t know what I was thinking.” He stood and shook his head. “I don’t know why I thought this could happen for me.”

  My eyes widened as he paced the length of his king-size bed and the volume of his voice rose. “This is how it’s always been, how it will always be,” he said, sounding more hurt than angry.

  Then he stopped, and, with a grunt, he pitched the velvet box across the room, sending it crashing against the window, making the glass (and me) shake.

  “Oh my God. Xavier, what are you doing?” I screamed.

  He glared at me before he slumped onto the bed as if exhaustion had taken over. He held his head in his hands. “I don’t know why I thought this was going to be different when everything is always the same.”

  It took me a moment to catch my breath, and then I scooted to his side. Pushing myself off the bed, I knelt in front of him. The cool air made goose bumps rise on my skin, but I ignored my nakedness. My focus was on this broken man.

  “Xavier,” I whispered. I tried to take his hand, but his fingers were like glue against his head. Still, I pried one finger at a time until he lower
ed both hands. Again, I whispered his name, but it wasn’t until I used my fingertips to raise his chin that he looked at me. “Why did you…”

  “I just give up,” he moaned.

  “Give up what?” I whispered.

  “Trying to be happy.”

  “What are you talking about?” I asked. “We were discussing this, and then you went off.”

  He shifted his glance away, so I sat next to him, though I didn’t let his hand go. We stayed side by side, and it occurred to me that without anything covering us, we were most vulnerable. Maybe in this moment, this was how we needed to be.

  I held on to him, though I stared at the box, which rested at the window’s base.

  He finally said, “I’m sorry.” When he tried to pull away, I held on tighter. He sighed. “I shouldn’t have…”

  “No, you shouldn’t have.” I paused. “But I understand,” I added, giving him the compassion he’d given me.

  He tried to smile, but his lips wouldn’t curve upward. It wouldn’t have mattered even if he were able to force it… his eyes were glazed with sadness.

  “Can we talk about this, please?”

  His eyes narrowed as if he was unsure, as if he couldn’t trust what I would say. But then he gave me a half nod.

  When I faced him, his eyes lowered. He’d just noticed my nakedness, but again, I used my fingers to lift his chin and guide his eyes to mine. “I love you, Xavier. I love you,” I repeated because I now knew this man couldn’t hear those words enough. “But I was shocked. You never mentioned wanting to marry me.”

  “I have. Maybe not in those exact words, but almost right away I saw my future with you.”

  How could I fault him? Hadn’t I awakened with thoughts of ‘always’ on my mind?

  “Okay, maybe I’m dense,” I said, hoping that bit of self-deprecation would ease the tension. It worked; he smiled. I continued, “This is a big deal and I want to talk about it.”

  “What else can I say besides I love you and I want to spend the rest of my life with you?”

  “And you know what? I want that, too,” I admitted to Xavier and myself. “I’m just afraid…”

  His smile was hopeful, though his tone was not. “Of what?”

  “We haven’t given ourselves enough time.”

  He took both of my hands into his. “But what does time have to do with anything? Our hearts aren’t on a timer; love doesn’t come with a clock.” He paused. “All you have to do is ask yourself if you love me, and if the answer is yes, then…”

  His words sounded so right, so why was I concerned? This was only an engagement. We could take a year, maybe two, to get to know each other. This would just show our commitment of wanting to take our relationship to the next level.

  “So…” He stood.

  As he moved toward the window, my mind churned with each of his steps. Inside, I screamed as he lifted, then opened the box, the diamond still shining.

  This time, he knelt on one knee. “Chastity Jeffries, will you make me the happiest man on this earth and become my wife?”

  Happiest. This man had experienced so little happiness. I stared at the ring, then shifted my eyes and my smile to him. When I nodded, he grinned and slipped the ring onto my finger, so slowly, so focused, as if he was committing this moment to memory. Xavier King was a man who was only going to do this once.

  His eyes were glassy when he whispered, “I love you, Chastity.” He pulled me into his arms, and I felt his words. But more than that, I felt his relief. As if now he had a place where he belonged.

  That made me smile, and I drew him closer. This had to be how my mother felt, her reward for being faithful to the man God had chosen for her.

  And then—my eyes widened. My mother. My father!

  Oh my God. Xavier should have talked to them first, especially my father. As I held my fiancé, I remembered my father’s words. Not the ones he’d spoken; the unspoken ones were more powerful—how he’d never come to love Xavier.

  Since he’d said that a few weeks ago, I’d been hoping I’d misread my father. But even if I had then, what we’d just done was going to make everything worse.

  21 Chastity

  Pushing the heavy burgundy drapes aside, I peeked outside. The October sun made a valiant effort, but the fall night was descending. Glancing down, there was no way I’d be able to see Melanie from the twentieth floor. But looking out the window gave me something to do—besides staring at my ring.

  I raised my hand and once again, I was hypnotized by the diamond’s rainbow hues that danced in the fading light of dusk. I did what I’d been doing in the forty or so hours since Xavier had placed this ring on my finger—I smiled. And then I did what always followed—I sighed.

  Moving back to the kitchen, I checked the two bottles of wine, then returned to the living room and fluffed the pillows on the sofa. When that was done, I tucked my hands inside my jeans, stood in the middle of the living room and slowly spun in a 360, in search of something new to do. Finally, I clicked on the television, then turned it right off before I sank into the sofa.

  This was what I was trying to avoid—being still. Because every time I stopped working, stopped moving, I started thinking and remembering and filling myself with anxiety all over again…

  Two days before:

  We fell back onto the bed as if we were performing a synchronized dance, both of us panting from our passion.

  “Wow,” Xavier breathed after several moments. “If this is what being engaged does, I cannot wait for us to get married.”

  When he pushed up and smiled down at me, I did the same, but my smile wasn’t from that deep place inside. Inside, I felt nothing but uncertainty.

  Then Xavier said, “I love you, Chastity,” and my angst faded away. He pulled me to him so that I rested on his chest. “You have made me happier than I ever thought I’d be. I am truly the happiest man on earth. You are what I’ve been searching for my entire life.”

  My stomach fluttered a bit at his words—what he’d been searching for and not whom. His words felt odd to me—he’d been searching for a thing and not me? Was I just helping him to fill in a blank in his life?

  As quickly as those questions came, I pushed them aside. Ridiculous! Not only did I know what he meant, I knew he loved me. I felt it.

  He said, “We need to celebrate.”

  “Okay.” I began scrolling through this week’s calendar in my head. “I think Tuesday evening works, and then maybe Thursday, but first, I’d want to check and—”

  “No,” he interrupted me. “I want a real celebration. Something spectacular. A story we’ll be able to tell our kids and our grandkids.”

  What was he thinking? An engagement party? He was going to have to slow his roll. An engagement party would be something only Sisley Jeffries could plan. The thought of my mother, the thought of my father, made all of my anxiety rush back.

  Then Xavier said, “Let’s go away,” and just like that, my attention was back on him.

  “On a trip?” Before he could answer, I shook my head. “We won’t be able to do that for a while. I just got to the firm and…”

  He waved his hand. “I’m not talking about a long trip; we’re too busy for that. But I can get away for a long weekend, next weekend. Columbus Day.”

  “Are you thinking about driving back to Bear Mountain?”

  “No, that’s not sexy enough.” He paused. “What about Las Vegas… no, what about New Orleans? Have you ever been there?”

  “I took a couple of quick trips with friends when I was in Atlanta. I can’t say it’s my favorite place.”

  “Well, you’ve never been there with me. So let’s go to New Orleans next weekend.”

  After a moment, I said, “Okay,” thinking being together for three days could be the first step for us to really get to know each other without the hustle of our lives going on around us.

  He hopped out of bed and began pacing again, his energy much different than it’d been an hou
r before. This time, the air was electric with his excitement, and I tucked a pillow beneath my chin, grinning as I watched him. He said, “I’ll make the arrangements; you won’t have to do anything.”

  “Really?” I said, falling into his joy. “I won’t even have to pack?”

  He jumped back onto the bed, making the mattress rock, and I squealed when he pulled me into his arms. “I will pack for you,” he said. “No, forget about packing, I’ll just buy you everything when we get there. Just come as you are.”

  I pushed away from him a little and took in our nakedness. “Just as I am?”

  He grinned. “Baby, I love you especially the way you are now.” He held my face in his hands. “I want to give you everything, Chastity. But even if I gave you this whole world, it wouldn’t be enough.”

  This time when we kissed, I felt a little better, a little more secure about the ring on my finger…

  THE DOORBELL MADE my eyes pop open. I scooted to the edge of the sofa, but before I stood, I slipped the diamond from my finger and tucked it inside my jeans pocket. Then I exhaled. It was showtime.

  * * *

  “I REALLY LOVE what you’ve done with my place,” Melanie said as she emerged from the second bedroom, which I’d set up as a library.

  “Well,” I began, “technically it’s not your place if I’m paying rent.”

  “Good point.” She chuckled before she flopped down onto the sofa. From the counter that separated the living room from the kitchen area in the open floor plan, I watched her, wondering if I should make my announcement now or wait until she was walking out the door.

  “I’m really happy you called me for a girls’ night, but you know Kelvin was feeling some kind of way. Except for the party, he hasn’t seen you since you got back.”

  I filled both glasses with wine, but still I didn’t make a move.

  She continued, “And he wants to meet your new man.”

  “This is definitely not like when we were in school,” I said, ignoring the new man part. “We just don’t have the time.”