Finally she was able to calm down. She looked up at me with teary eyes and nodded.
“You gonna be okay?” I asked, biting my lip.
She nodded again, more forcefully this time. She flashed another partial smile at me.
“Can I have one last kiss?” She asked.
Oh, fuck...
But I owed it to her. I’d just broken her heart. She deserved one last kiss. So I pulled her in close and tried to make it the best kiss possible, to let her know that I still cared about her.
The kiss turned out to be longer and more intense than I expected. I tried as hard as I could to put emotion into it. But it was a bit like kissing a board, really. I felt no emotion. I felt no passion. No love.
And then for the briefest of moments, an image of Ryan flashed through my head. And suddenly I found it easy to pretend that I was kissing him instead of Loryn. That’s what helped me find my emotion. I put my hands on her waist and used tongue. She moaned softly and it ruined whatever image of Ryan I was holding on to.
I drew away slowly, giving her few more pecks out of guilt.
She looked at me longingly and sighed. “It was amazing while it lasted.” She said.
I nodded. I couldn’t find anything else to say. So instead, I leaned in and kissed her forehead.
“Hopefully I’ll see you around.” I said. I gave her a quick smile. Then I stood and departed from the bench.
I left her without looking back. I left the lifeless tree and the dull grass and the gray sky and her vibrant hair. I walked back to Nickerson Hall. In fact, I practically jogged. I just had to get away.
I hated myself for leading her on. I hated myself for making her cry. I hated myself for asking her out in the first place, for having sex with her, for breaking up with her. I hated myself.
And most of all, I hated the fact that I’d imagined Ryan while kissing Loryn. Why did it feel so good to pretend it was him? Why was this happening to me?
While thinking about Ryan, I realized something. During one of our fights, he’d accused me of using Loryn to prove that I was straight. He said that I would just fuck her and be done with her.
He was right.
I did fuck her. And I did break up with her right after that. Ryan was right. I’d done the same thing to her as I’d done to him.
Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.
I was a stupid, selfish, idiotic asshole. I wanted to go back and fix everything I’d done. How could I ever make this up to Ryan and Loryn? I’d completely used both of them in some sort of stupid quest to understand my sexuality.
On my way back to my dorm, I tried to piece everything together. In my head, I went through everything that had happened since arriving at school: I fucked Ryan out of curiosity. It was good. The best I ever had. So I continued with that. It was great. And then I decided to end that because I felt it was wrong. I felt as though I shouldn’t be fucking a guy if I’m straight. Then Loryn came into the picture. I experimented with that too. She was great at first, but then I started changing my mind. I fucked her. It sucked. But I pretended that my relationship with Loryn was great. Because I wanted it to be great. I didn’t want to admit that Ryan was still the best I ever had.
But he was. Ryan was amazing. Having sex with him fulfilled so much more than just physical desire. It satisfied me on a deeper level, and left me wanting more every time.
And it wasn’t just the sex. I wanted to kiss him. I wanted to hold him. I wanted to just be with him. But that must mean...
Shut up, James. Fuck that. Don’t you fucking say that. You’re straight.
I was in tears by the time I got back to room 125. Ryan was still in his bed on his laptop. I realized then that I’d only been gone for fifteen minutes or so.
“What’s wrong?” He asked. That sixth sense of his was kicking in. The one that could tell whenever I was upset.
Or maybe it was just the look on my face.
I didn’t know that I was crying until a tear tickled my cheek.
“James...” He set his laptop aside and looked at me worriedly. I loved that he was able to toss aside our differences. The fight we just had wasn’t on his mind at all. He was just concerned about me.
Why does he have to be so amazing?
I broke down then. I sobbed. I didn’t know what to do, I just knew I needed human contact. I needed comfort. So I walked over to Ryan and crawled into bed with him. I needed a friend. I needed a hug. Damn it, I needed cuddles. Fuck being manly. Fuck trying to act straight. I needed to cuddle with Ryan.
He accepted me in his bed willingly. He said my name several times with worry. He shushed me when I cried. He pulled the blanket over me and held onto my waist. Although he was much smaller than me, it felt good to be comforted like this. I buried my face in his skinny chest and he wrapped his arms around me.
“Jamie...” He whispered.
God, I love it when you use that nickname.
“I’m here for you.” He said. His voice was full of comfort and sincerity.
He didn’t ask questions. He didn’t try to get me to explain. He just comforted me. Although he was my best friend and he probably deserved an explanation, he didn’t ask for one. He simply let me cry without question. His kindness made me cry even harder.
After laying together in silence for several minutes, he spoke up.
“I have to tell you something.” He said.
I looked up at him with anticipation.
He took a deep breath. “There was never anything going on between me and Brandon.”
Just that asshole’s name got my blood boiling a bit. But then Ryan’s statement sunk in. Nothing happened between the two of them?
“I met him at one of those Gay-Straight Alliance Club meetings.” Ryan explained, “I just kissed him that one time. But it was a mistake. And I ended it after that.”
A weight was lifted off my chest that I never even knew was there in the first place. It was as if I had been subconsciously furious about Ryan kissing Brandon. And now, knowing that nothing had actually happened between them made me feel infinitely better.
“I just thought you needed to know that.” Ryan said, “You’re my best friend and you deserve to know what’s going on in my life. I’m sorry you walked in on us. I didn’t mean for you to find out that way.”
“It’s fine.” I said, sniffling.
“You okay?” He asked.
“Yeah.” I nodded. I did feel a lot better.
And with that, Ryan was content. He didn’t need any further explanation. He just needed to know that I was okay.
With both of us feeling better, we fell asleep, wrapped in each other’s arms.
Chapter Thirteen
.
Our finals passed quickly and before we knew it, we were leaving for winter break. As Ryan and I both packed a suitcase to take home, we chatted merrily with each other. We were finally back on good terms again, and I was pretty sure that this time it was for good. He hadn’t asked me any more questions about why I was crying that day we snuggled in bed together. I guess he thought it was best not to invade my privacy. He probably figured I’d tell him if I wanted to. But for the most part I guess he understood that I broke up with Loryn.
So as we packed our suitcases, since I was in a pretty good mood, I decided to bring that up.
He was sitting cross-legged on the floor, folding shirts and trying to stuff too many items into his extremely small suitcase. There was a break in our conversation, and we were silent for a few seconds. Then, without looking up at him, I spoke.
“Hey, Ry?”
“Yeah?”
I hesitated. When I didn’t say anything for ten whole seconds, he looked up at me with anticipation.
“You know I broke up with Loryn, right?” I asked.
He sighed and looked at me with a saddened expression. “Yeah, I figured.” He said, “You haven’t been hanging around her the last week or so.”
I nodded.
He looked down for
a moment or two and then looked back up at me and asked, “Is that why you were so upset the other day?”
I cringed at the memory of breaking up with Loryn. But remembering my comforting and slightly romantic interaction with Ryan right afterward was heartwarming. I smiled at him.
“Well, that was part of it.” I said.
Ryan nodded without asking for any further explanation.
I busied myself by folding clothes. I tried not to look at him as I said softly, “Thanks... for being there.”
Out of the corner of my eye I could see him looking up at me. He stared at me for a few seconds and I didn’t stare back. I blushed however, and I could tell he noticed because he chuckled slightly.
“No problem, Jamie.”
I laughed at his use of my nickname.
“You like me calling you Jamie?” He asked, smiling.
“Yeah.” I said.
For a split second I wondered, should I really tell him what I think of that nickname? How would he react? Would it make things awkward?
I went for it anyway.
“It’s cute.” I said. As soon as the words slipped out I felt my heart pounding rather furiously. I couldn’t believe I’d just said that. But it was the truth. Why shouldn’t I admit the truth to my very best friend?
I still didn’t look directly at him, but I caught a glimpse of him smiling. He didn’t comment.
I decided to change the topic. “So, you excited for winter break?” I asked.
He grumbled in a silly fashion. “No.”
I was about to ask why but then I remembered what Ryan told me about his parents. They weren’t very supportive or accepting of him. Going home to see them must be very hard for him.
“Aww...” I said sympathetically, “It’ll be okay.”
He shrugged. “It doesn’t bother me as much as it used to.”
“You mean all their hateful comments and stuff?” I asked.
“Yeah.” He sighed. “I’m just...used to it now.”
I understood what he meant but that didn’t make it any less awful. The fact that he’d suffered so much discrimination from his parents that he was now used to it was horrifying to me. It was almost as if he’d come to expect it from them. All his hope was lost. It made me hate his parents, even though I’d never met them. It made me hate society for not accepting gays. It infuriated me.
I guess Ryan noticed the anger in my expression.
“It’s okay though, really.” He assured me, “It doesn’t upset me anymore.”
“Bullshit.” I said, laughing.
He rolled his eyes at me. “Okay... maybe sometimes it does.”
I found myself wishing that he didn’t have to go home for winter break. Anything would be better for him than spending Christmas with his homophobic family in his homophobic town. But if he just stayed at school, he’d be all alone. Then I came up with what I thought was a brilliant plan.
“Hey, you should come stay with me over winter break.” I suggested, “That way you won’t have to be near your parents.”
He laughed. “Come on, James. Be serious.”
“I am!” I said, “Wouldn’t that be fun?”
He smiled gratefully. “I can’t. I have to go home. My parents would be a tad upset if they found out I was going to spend my winter break at another boy’s house.”
“Ah...” I said, realizing the dilemma.
“Plus there are a couple friends from high school that I promised I’d hang out with over the break.” He said.
I remembered what Ryan said about his high school life. He lost almost all his friends when he came out of the closet. And while a few of them stuck around, for him it seemed like Adam was his only friend. Perhaps he meant that he would be visiting those few friends that stuck around. But in the back of my mind I secretly worried that he meant he would be visiting Adam.
“Not Adam, right?” I asked.
He looked up at me in surprise. “No. Why would I ever hang out with Adam?”
“I don’t know.” I shrugged. “You just said you were gonna hang out with friends from high school. I thought Adam was a friend from high school.”
“Well he’s also my ex-boyfriend, which complicates things a bit.” He said, “And besides, he’s also an asshole.”
I chuckled slightly. “Okay, I was just wondering.”
I stuffed a few things in my suitcase and then looked at my watch. My plane was taking off in three hours, and Ryan’s parents would be here any minute to pick him up. Like most students, I would be taking the bus to the airport. I realized I needed to hurry up and finish packing.
While I was busy concentrating on my schedule, I guess Ryan was still thinking about our previous conversation.
“Thanks for offering.” He said, “You know... for me to stay at your house during break.”
I stared across the room at his big blue eyes. “No problem...” I said.
“It’s just that... my parents wouldn’t be too happy about the idea, and they’re already almost here to pick me up... It just wouldn’t work.”
“Yeah, I understand.” I said.
There was a pause and then he spoke again. “Besides... why would you want a fag like me living in your house?” His voice was full of sarcasm. He refused to look at me, but he had an angry expression on his face.
I realized what he was talking about. Perhaps he was still upset by that comment I made during our last fight. I’d shouted, I’m not a faggot like you. Until now I didn’t realize that I had never apologized for that hateful comment. In fact, I hadn’t apologized for my actions during that fight at all.
Immediately I dropped what I was doing and rushed over to where he sat on the floor. I sat next to him, our backs against his bed, and wrapped my arm around his shoulders. He still didn’t look at me.
“I’m sorry I said that.” I said, as sincerely as I could, “I’m really sorry. I should never have called you such an awful name. Especially after all you went through in high school. I bet people called you that every single day.”
“Yeah.” He whispered matter-of-factly.
“You shouldn’t have to hear those kinds of comments from your best friend.” I continued, “I was just upset that day. I’m sorry. Okay?”
He nodded slowly and looked up at me with big eyes. “Okay.” He whispered.
I leaned over to give him a sort of side-hug. But it ended up being a bit more affectionate than I intended. My nose was nestled into his neck and I could smell his hair. I rubbed his shoulder slowly. My head was resting against his. When I realized how all these factors looked when put together, I pulled away.
I guess Ryan didn’t think twice about the hug. He just half-smiled at me. “I’m sorry for what I said that day too.” He said.
I laughed. “You don’t need to be.”
He smiled wider.
I stood up and the two of us finished packing. We chatted about less serious topics, and laughed together. I realized how much I loved talking to him. He was so funny and interesting and knowledgable and wizened. He was the complete spectrum of fascinating. It was like he’d been through hell and back and he was still able to joke around and have fun.
When it was time for him to leave, I realized I should probably give him a hug goodbye. But instead, we found ourselves standing and staring at each other for a few moments. I don’t know why, but neither of us could find anything to say. We must’ve stood there for at least two full minutes, just staring at each other. And yet it wasn’t awkward in the least bit. Reading his eyes was like reading a book. A really sad, yet heartwarming book. Full of gut-twisting conflicts and relieving resolutions, extremely fun to read. I couldn’t set that damn book down.
We still didn’t speak. But after a long while, Ryan took a step towards me, grabbed my face with both hands, stood on his tiptoes, and kissed me. It was smooth and gentle and effortless. I’d almost forgotten how silky his lips felt against mine. I’d almost forgotten that feeling. Almost.
A
t first I was in complete shock. We had never kissed without having sex. We’d kissed before, during, or after sex. But never without any kind of sexual activity attached to it. And now he was kissing me. We were fully clothed and standing and I was about to leave. There would be no sex. This was just a kiss. And that was partially strange and partially exciting to me. For one thing, it was much more romantic. And for the most part I find romantic to be better than sexy.
After the shock partially wore off, I put my hands on his waist and kissed him back. I tried as hard as I could not to interrupt the tempo, the movement. It was slow and gentle. It was full of caring and comfort. It was everything. We’d never kissed this slowly or this passionately. It was always heated and rushed. But this was a million times better.
Regretfully, he pulled away. He kept his hands on my face. He smiled up at me and I got lost in his blue eyes again.
“I’ll miss you.” He said softly.
I smiled dazedly. I was dizzy and happy. I loved that kiss. I wanted more.
But Ryan didn’t give me more. Still smiling, he let go and pulled away. He grabbed his suitcase and opened the door to leave. He wasn’t gonna say anything else? He was just gonna kiss me, say I’ll miss you and leave? I had to stop him.
“Ryan...” I said, not knowing what I was going to say next.
Halfway through the doorway, he stopped and turned to look at me. We stared at each other for another extremely long moment. At first I was trying to think of something to say, but then I got distracted thinking about our kiss.
Finally I spoke.
“I’ll miss you too.” I said.
A smile slowly crept onto his face. It was the brightest and most beautiful smile I’d ever seen. It comforted me, knowing he had something happy to hold on to before venturing off to his parents’ house.
Without saying anything more, he left. I stood in our room, frozen. Ryan just kissed me. His lips just touched mine.
Part of me was afraid that whatever friendship we had built was extremely complicated now. But in this very moment of blissful happiness, it was simple. We kissed. We liked it. We’d miss each other this winter break. I didn’t care to think about the rest.
The Love We Breathe Page 10