Ryan kissed me. And I loved it.
But if I loved it... what does that say about me...?
Chapter Fourteen
.
While I was laying in my old bedroom in my parents’ house, the only thing I could think of was Ryan.
I’d already arrived home for winter break, greeted warmly by my parents and siblings just like Thanksgiving break. There were still a couple more days until Christmas, when I would be seeing my extended family. For now, I didn’t have to worry about the holidays. I’d already gotten all my gifts for family and friends. I could relax.
But I couldn’t. Ever since I’d arrived home two days previously, I’d been almost numb from Ryan’s kiss. I tried to go as long as possible without thinking about it. I wanted to just relax over the holidays, without having to worry about school or anything. But now that I was all settled in back home, all I could think about was the way he kissed me. And the confusion that went along with it.
It was already 11:00 at night, and my family was asleep. But I was wide awake, laying in bed fully clothed with all the lights on. I didn’t browse the internet or watch TV. I simply sat there and thought about everything.
It was a relief not to have a girlfriend anymore. I was so glad that I’d already broken up with Loryn. Plus, the two of us had texted each other a few times since our break-up, and we were on good terms. That was a relief as well. Although I wasn’t necessarily attracted to Loryn, I still cared about her. And I wanted us to be good friends. She didn’t seem too sad without me.
So that problem was over and done with. Now I could focus on the real problem in my life right now.
My sexuality.
I’d been over this so many times that my brain hurt. Laying in bed, I went through the facts again: I had sex with four different girls several times in high school. Then I had sex with a guy several times in college. The guy was better. I didn’t just want him on a sexual level, I wanted him on a romantic level too. I loved kissing him. I loved being with him. He was my best friend.
But just because I’d done all those things with Ryan, does it have to mean I’m gay? Ryan said countless times that it’s natural for every guy to question his sexuality at least once in his life. It doesn’t mean they’re gay. It just means they’re curious and hormonal and horny. Maybe that’s me. Curious, hormonal, horny James. Maybe this all meant nothing. Maybe I could breathe a sigh of relief, knowing that I’m straight.
But then I remembered the sex with Loryn. If I’d had sex with her before meeting Ryan, it would’ve been the best sex in the entire world. Compared to the other girls I’d had sex with, she was by far the best. However, Ryan was ten million times better. And having sex with Loryn after having sex with Ryan wasn’t satisfying at all. She couldn’t compare to him.
That’s when I rethought my sexuality again. I weighed my options. Boys and girls. Sex and romance. Which was better with who?
As far as boys go, the only boy I could think of was Ryan. I didn’t find myself attracted to any other guys I knew. Sure, some of them were good-looking. But I didn’t have any desire to have sex with them or do anything romantic with them. Only Ryan. So there, I found a little glimmer of hope.
But then, what about girls? Out of all the girl friends I had, I now had no desire to do anything sexual or romantic with them.
Just Ryan.
It was only Ryan.
Fuck this.
Angry and frustrated and sick of thinking about it, I threw the covers off of me and decided to take a shower. Hot showers always helped to calm me down.
I walked to the bathroom and stripped off my clothes. I turned on the shower and stepped in even though the water wasn’t anywhere close to being hot yet. It was freezing, and gave me chills all over my body. But I felt as though I needed it, to help me wake up, to help me see clearly.
When I was so cold that I was shivering, the water finally started to grow warmer. It got hot slowly, and with each degree the temperature rose, I found myself feeling a bit aroused. It must’ve been something about the heat, or maybe it was because I was just thinking about Ryan.
At the moment, I didn’t really care that my thoughts were considered “gay.” I didn’t care at all. It felt good to think about him. It felt good to remember the sex.
The water in the shower got to a point where it was too hot, and I quickly turned it to the perfect temperature. I closed my eyes and let water run over my hair, over my face, down my body. I ran my hands all over my chest and my stomach.
I remembered Ryan’s moans and screams. The way his face looked when he came. The way it felt to be inside of him. The way he touched me. The way he said my name...
“Fuck...” I moaned quietly, so no one would hear me.
I looked down and realized that I was incredibly hard. Normally it would’ve bothered me that thoughts of Ryan had given me an erection, but at the moment I didn’t care.
I didn’t touch my dick yet. I teased myself instead by continuing to run my hands all over my chest. I filled my mind with images and thoughts of Ryan. I pretended that he was here, naked in the shower with me, sucking on me. He’d done it a few times before, during our “friends-with-benefits” stage. The sensation was far better with him than with a girl. And since I could remember exactly what it felt like, it was easy to imagine that he was here doing it now.
I started breathing heavily. Even though the water was hot, I got chills again. I started moaning involuntarily. I tried to keep it as quiet as possible so my family wouldn’t hear.
I still didn’t touch myself, but my dick was throbbing.
I imagined Ryan licking it and sucking on it, that mysterious and sexy look on his face the entire time.
“Mmm... Ryan...” I moaned.
I wanted him here so badly. It was killing me that we were so far apart. If we were at school together right now, I would have pulled him into the shower and fucked him as hard as possible.
But I was alone. Alone with my fantasies. And I couldn’t help but wonder if he ever fantasized about me.
Finally, it got to a point where I couldn’t take it anymore. I reached down and started rubbing my cock. Slow at first, and then faster as the fantasies progressed. In my head, I was now fucking Ryan. At first, I imagined it was hard and fast. But then I realized I preferred it to be slow and sensual. At the same tempo as the fantasy in my head, I rubbed my cock.
After a while, my imaginations became so intense and my sexual desires were so fierce that I got light headed. I sat down on the step stool in the shower and continued.
I kept my eyes closed. I wasn’t at my parents’ house, alone in the shower. I was in my dorm room, with Ryan in the shower with me. I wasn’t jacking off. I was fucking him. No. I was making love with him.
I imagined his soft, silky kisses. I imagined the passionate and sensual rhythm we maintained. I imagined his face, his body, his hair, his eyes. Him. And his voice when he said my name...
“Fuck... Ryan...” I moaned, louder than I intended.
I came and the feeling was so intense that I nearly fell over. I was brought to my knees on the floor of the shower. I moaned without knowing I was doing it. I watched in shock as it spewed all over me, all over my cock, all over the floor. Fuck. I’m coming. Oh, God, yes. I’m coming.
It was so good that I started shaking. It was like my orgasm continued, even after I stopped coming. I curled up in a ball on the tile floor and rubbed myself all over. I kept my eyes closed. I thought of Ryan, but the rest of my mind was blank. All I knew was pleasure. Ecstasy. Heaven. Bliss.
Ryan.
It took me a while to recover, and when I did my legs were still shaky. I stood and washed my hair unconsciously. I finished my shower and turned the water off. Somehow, I ended up dried and dressed and back in bed. But I was in such bliss that I couldn’t remember how I got there.
I nestled into my pillow, pretending Ryan was next to me. I loved that after-sex feeling I always got with him. If only he were he
re to share it with me. If only we’d actually had sex instead of me jacking off alone in the shower.
Finally, I missed him so much that I couldn’t take it anymore. I grabbed my cell phone and dialed his number. It was almost midnight, but I didn’t think he’d be asleep just yet.
“Jamie!” He answered excitedly.
My heart warmed. Just the sound of his voice...
“Hey!” I laughed.
“How’ve you been? How’s your break going so far?” He asked.
“Pretty boring.” I replied, “Not much has happened yet.”
“Yeah same here.” He said.
Suddenly I started worrying about him. I wondered if his parents were treating him well.
“How’re things with your parents?” I asked.
“Oh, you know.” He said, with a slight laugh in his voice, “Same old, same old.”
“What do you mean?” I asked.
He took a deep breath. “They’re just making rude comments as usual.”
My heart wilted. I felt so terrible for him, having to live with parents that didn’t accept him.
“What kind of rude comments?” I asked, out of curiosity and worry.
“Sometimes they just say things like... I don’t know... my dad always asks me if my ass is hurting from all the ‘homo sex’ I’ve been having.” He said it in a low voice, mocking his dad’s tone.
“Are you serious?” I asked, appalled. It absolutely sickened me to hear the details. But I wanted to know more. “What did you say back?” I asked.
“I usually just ignore him.” Ryan said.
For some reason it saddened me to hear that. I wished Ryan would’ve told his dad where to shove it, or something like that. I wished he were confident enough to stick up for himself.
“And my mom...” Ryan continued, with an exasperated sigh, “She always asks me if this ‘phase’ is over. Like my sexuality is temporary or something.”
I snorted at the absurdity of his parents’ comments.
“Did I ever tell you what happened when I came out?” Ryan asked.
“No, what happened?” I asked anxiously. I wasn’t sure if I wanted to hear this story or not, but it sounded like Ryan needed someone to vent to. And I was more than happy to be that person.
“They thought I was joking at first.” Ryan said, “And then when I finally convinced them, my dad said he wouldn’t allow it. Yeah, like I can change it. Like it’s my fault. But he wouldn’t hear it. He kept saying ‘I won’t have a gay son.’ But I kept telling him that I couldn’t help it and there was nothing I could do to change it. And he got all upset and stormed out and started throwing things.”
I cringed, imagining what would happen if I ever told my parents I was gay.
“What about your mom, is she more supportive?” I asked.
“No, not at all.” Ryan said, “She’s just not as vocal about her disapproval.”
Suddenly a wave of fear came over me. I still wasn’t sure of anything when it came to my sexuality. However, if I did turn out to be gay, what would happen when I told my parents? After hearing their homophobic comments about Ryan over Thanksgiving break, it was terrifying to think of what they’d say if they found out they had a gay son. Would they behave just like Ryan’s parents did? Or worse? I instantly got sick to my stomach.
“Ryan...” I said after a moment.
“What?”
I didn’t know what to say, but I knew that I needed a friend. Not just any friend, but Ryan. My best friend.
“I’m scared.” I said, my voice shaking. Only he could ever bring out such intense emotions from me.
He was silent for a moment, processing what I said. I realized that he probably concluded I was telling him I was gay. I panicked and back-tracked.
“I mean, I’m still not sure of anything yet.” I said quickly, “But... what if...”
I didn’t need to finish my sentence. He understood.
“If you are...like me,” He said, knowing that the word gay scared me, “How do you think your parents would react?”
“Not well.” I responded.
He sighed deeply, understanding my fear. He’d been through it all. He knew exactly what I was going through.
Except, maybe not. I might not be gay. I’m still unsure.
There was a moment of silence between us, but it was a comfortable silence. There was hardly ever any awkwardness between me and Ryan. I liked it that way. It was easier to be honest with him.
I used that honesty. “I’ve been thinking about you.” I said softly. I didn’t mention that I’d just jacked off to him. But still, my comment was brave and gutsy.
I could almost hear him smiling. He chuckled softly. “Really?” He asked.
“Yeah.” I said. And why not talk about the elephant in the room? “That kiss was pretty amazing, Ryan.”
I blushed as soon as I said it. I couldn’t believe I was saying that to a gay boy. What would my friends think? What would my parents think? Part of me cared and part of me didn’t. And the part of me that didn’t was the one that smiled.
I knew he was blushing too and it made me smile wider.
“Really?” He asked again. This time his voice was incredibly soft.
“Yes.” I answered.
“Jamie...” He sighed, “You’re amazing.”
My heart filled up like a water balloon, so full that it was ready to burst. So full that it hurt. But it hurt in a good way. Ryan thinks I’m amazing.
I wanted to say something else, but I couldn’t think of anything. We sat in another comfortable silence. He was the one to speak next.
“I’ve been talking about you a lot. I told my parents all about you.” He said.
“Oh really?” I asked jokingly, wondering just how much he really told them, “What did they say?”
“They think you’re my boyfriend.” He said frankly.
I blushed fiercely, but this time it was in a bad way. “Why do they think that?”
“Just the way I talk about you sometimes.” He said, a slight giggle in his voice.
“Oh...” I said, my voice trailing off in thought.
“Yeah,” Ryan continued, “And when they asked if you were my boyfriend, I wasn’t sure how to answer them.”
My heart stopped.
“Because I’m not sure I really know the answer.” He concluded.
Ryan thinks... we’re together? He thinks there’s potential in this relationship? Well... maybe so... but not yet. I’m not ready for that yet. I might not even be gay.
There was another moment of silence.
Then I spoke. “Just... give me some time, Ry.” My voice was soft and full of fear and pain.
“Okay.” He said sincerely, “I understand, James. I really do. I didn’t mean to pressure you into anything. You take your time and figure everything out, okay?”
I was genuinely touched by his understanding. “Okay.” I whispered.
“I’m going to bed, okay?” He said.
“Okay.” I repeated.
“Don’t worry, James. Everything’s gonna be alright. I’m here for you, if you ever want to talk.”
My heart swelled up again. “Thank you.”
“Call me again sometime this break?” He asked.
“Yeah, probably.” I said, “Goodnight, Ryan.”
“Goodnight, Jamie.”
He was the first to hang up, leaving me holding the phone up to my ear and listening to silence. I set down my phone and curled up under the covers. In my mind, there was fear and panic and shock. But in my heart where was happiness and tenderness.
Ryan thinks I’m amazing. He’s been talking about me a lot. He wants me to be his boyfriend. He understands that I’m not ready. He’s here for me.
At the moment, that was all that mattered.
Chapter Fifteen
.
It seemed like years since I was last on campus, even though it was only three weeks. Winter break was finally over, and I was walking through
my college campus on a chilly night in January. Actually, walking is a bit of an understatement. I was practically jogging, which was very awkward since I was lugging around the giant suitcase I’d taken home.
My heart was pounding so fiercely that it made my whole body vibrate and my ribcage ache. But it wasn’t from the physical exertion of jogging. It was from pure excitement. I couldn’t wait.
I hadn’t seen Ryan in three weeks, and it was killing me. Sure, I’d called him and texted him a lot over winter break. But now I needed to see him in person.
To be honest, the goodbye kiss he gave me the last time I saw him was an utter tease. It left me wanting more. So much more.
Who am I kidding? I want to kiss him. Right fucking now.
I passed by some friends who were also carrying suitcases. But I didn’t stop to chat with any of them for too long. I was on a mission, and I had to see Ryan.
Finally, I made it to Nickerson Hall. It looked strange, the way your home always does after you get back from a long vacation. On my way to room 125, I waved to a few friends who were sitting in the lounge area of the building.
Before opening the door to our room, I silently prayed that Ryan was already here. It would be a major disappointment if he wasn’t. I swung the door open enthusiastically and my wishes came true. He was standing near his bed, unpacking his things.
He turned when he heard me, and smiled brightly when he saw me.
“Jamie!” He exclaimed.
I dropped my suitcase on the floor as he ran into my arms.
We hugged each other as tightly as possible. I practically lifted him off the ground. He weight next to nothing, so it was easy. When I set him back down, we still didn’t let go of each other. We didn’t say anything. He buried his face in my neck. His nose was cold.
It was probably the most relaxing moment of my life. Just holding someone that I was completely comfortable with was enough to make it perfect.
The Love We Breathe Page 11