He stepped away and looked up at me with wide eyes and a smile.
“So... how was your winter break?” He asked.
“It was fine.” I responded, “It was actually really boring. How was yours?”
“I missed you.” He said immediately, as if he’d been wanting to spit that out the whole time.
I laughed embarrassedly and looked at my feet. I stuffed my hands in my pockets and bit my lip. Ryan missed me. It was adorable. And yet I was terrified of admitting that I missed him too.
There was a pause, and then he said, “I told you I would.”
I smiled even bigger and blushed. My cheeks were on fire. When I looked up at him, he seemed to be blushing as well. It was much more obvious on his pale skin.
There was a moment of tension between us, and I wanted to break it. I wanted to tell him how much I missed him over winter break. But I couldn’t. My voice wouldn’t obey my mind. If I didn’t do something soon, the tension would grow to be too much for both of us.
I suddenly knew what to do. A bit hesitantly, I reached forward and grabbed him by the waist. I leaned in and kissed him. I felt his body melt into my arms and he grabbed hold of my neck with a sigh. And with that the tension was gone.
At his touch, my heart immediately started up again. I felt my pulse everywhere. It felt like my chest was exploding with each beat. It was marvelous. Feeling brave and wanting more, I slipped my tongue into his mouth. He didn’t seem to mind it at all. He sighed again, almost moaning. And when he dug his tongue into my mouth, I got goosebumps all over my lower back.
We kissed slowly and lovingly. But instead of making me hard and horny, it just made my heart swell up again. It had never been that way with a girl. Just Ryan.
Finally, I deemed myself satisfied enough for now. I pulled away from our kiss and smiled at him. He grinned as well and wrapped his arms around my neck to hug me again.
“James...” He whispered in my ear.
Why is that such a fucking turn-on?
I hummed deeply. “Ryan...”
He backed away and looked me in the eye without letting go of my neck.
“Can I talk to you about something?” He asked.
Immediate curiosity clicked in my brain, along with worry and stress. What did he need to talk to me about? Subconsciously, I worried that he would make me come to terms with something I didn’t want to come to terms with.
“Sure.” I said, a bit uncertainly.
He took hold of my hand and led me over to his bed. “Come here and sit down with me.” He said.
We sat together and he took both of my hands. The worry kept my heart at an unnaturally fast pace. I started guessing what Ryan might possibly want to talk to me about. Maybe he was going to ask me if I’m actually gay or not. Maybe he was going to end whatever relationship we might have. Maybe something bad happened to him over winter break that he needed to talk about.
Worry, worry, worry.
Ryan looked down at our interwoven hands. He sighed as if he were about to begin a long monologue.
“James, I know you’re still a bit confused about everything.” He began, “I mean, I know you’re a bit unsure of yourself right now. And you’re probably scared, which I totally understand. I mean, I’ve been through something very similar, James. You can’t deny that. I had a very difficult time figuring out my sexuality. And although you might be straight, I’m guessing this is still very difficult for you.”
All of a sudden the word straight didn’t really fit with me. But I pushed that thought from my mind for now.
“So I just want you to know that I understand what you’re going through.” He continued, “And I’m always here if you wanna talk about it. And I’m always gonna be your best friend, you know that right?” He looked up at me.
I smiled. “That’s good to know, Ry.”
Ryan smiled back, but when he looked back down at our hands he suddenly started appearing very nervous. I don’t know what it was, but I started noticing that his hands were shaking. He took a few deep breaths and they were shaky as well.
“What’s wrong?” I asked.
“Look...” He said, “What I’m saying is... I know you’re going through a confusing and scary process right now. And I’m not trying to scare you or confuse you even more. But there’s just something that I need to tell you.”
What...?
“Okay...” I said.
“I need to tell you something... because you’re my best friend. But I’m afraid to tell you because I don’t want to scare you away.”
He gripped my hands tighter and looked up at me again.
I had no idea what he was talking about, but I knew one thing was certain: nothing he could tell me would scare me away.
“I’m not going anywhere.” I confirmed, smiling.
He took another shaky deep breath. “Okay then.” He said, “I’m gonna tell you then. Okay?”
“Okay...”
“I’m gonna tell you... and I don’t want you to freak out, okay?”
“I’m not gonna freak out.” I said, starting to get extremely curious.
Ryan looked back down at our hands. We were both silent for a few moments while I waited for him to spit out whatever it was he needed to tell me. The shaking in his hands spread throughout his entire body and soon he was practically shivering. I started to worry about him and I instinctively moved to pull him closer, but he squeezed my hands tightly and wouldn’t let me.
I rubbed his hand with my thumb. “Ry...?”
When he looked back up at me, he was crying. A watched a tear slide down his face. Finally, he spoke.
“I love you.” He said.
There was silence as it sunk into my brain. Silence except for his soft sobs.
He loves me. He loves me. Oh God, he loves me.
I think I knew it all along. I think I always knew he had feelings for me. I guess I just didn’t realize to what extent. I didn’t realize it was actually love.
Oh God, he’s crying. He loves me and he’s crying. What do I do?
But before I had a chance to do anything, he started talking again. Through his sobs, I could hardly understand him. “I’ve had feelings for you for a while.” He cried, “I mean... Even when we first met, I was attracted to you. And even before we had sex, I had a little crush on you. But after that... I just started falling for you. And now I can’t stop. I can’t stop loving you.”
He buried his face in his hands. Watching him cry like that made me tear up as well. I didn’t know what to do to make him feel better, but I went with my instincts. I wrapped my arms around him and hugged him. I let him drench my shirt in tears. I let him dig his fingernails into my back. I shushed him softly but it didn’t help.
Ryan loves me...
While I held him, things started clicking in my mind. It all made sense now.
That’s why Ryan told Chelsea and Jared that we had sex. Those two are some of his closest friends, and he probably needed someone to talk to about it. Because the entire time, I was just using him for sex. The entire time, he loved me.
That’s why he was crying so much when I got home from that party. Because he felt so guilty about telling Chelsea and Jared, and breaking his promise to me. He didn’t want to lose me. Because he loved me.
That’s why it always looked like he’d been crying after the two of us had a fight. Because I probably broke his heart with all the stupid homophobic comments I made when I was angry. He probably hated fighting with me. Because he loved me.
That’s why he kissed that Brandon guy. He was trying to get over me, trying to move on. He said it was just a one-time thing. Maybe he intended to have sex with Brandon to try and forget about me. And that’s why he looked so terrified and traumatized when I walked in on him kissing Brandon. Because he didn’t want me to walk in on it. Because he loved me.
He’s loved me all along.
And I fucked it all up.
I’d been completely using him this entire time, using him for sex
, doing the whole “friends-with-benefits” thing. Now I understood that mysterious look he always got on his face whenever we had sex. That look was love. No one had ever looked at me that way before. No one had ever loved me before.
I’d probably broken his heart at least a dozen times without realizing it.
Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.
In that moment, I hated myself for being such a selfish asshole. I couldn’t believe that he still loved me, even after all the shit I put him through.
Nothing I could ever say or do would be able to make it up to him. But I tried anyway. I pulled him out of my arms and looked at him. His eyes were red and puffy and his cheeks were covered in tears. He was still sobbing.
“Ryan...” I said, “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry for everything I did to you.”
He closed his eyes and cried harder.
“I can’t believe all the horrible things I said to you, calling you a fag and stuff like that... it was horrible of me.” I continued, “I’m so sorry. I had no idea, Ryan. I mean... maybe I thought you had a little crush on me. But I didn’t think it was anything serious. And I can’t believe I used you as much as I did. I had no idea it would hurt you so much. I’m sorry... I’m so sorry...”
I couldn’t say it enough. I hugged him again and started crying a bit as well. I hated myself so much.
“Look,” I cried, “I am still confused and scared. I’m still unsure of myself, you’re right. But I do know that I love kissing you. I love being close to you like this. But... I don’t want to hurt you.”
“How would that hurt me?” He asked quietly through sobs.
“I don’t want to lead you on...in case I turn out to be straight or something...”
He groaned with frustration but didn’t say anything. I had no idea why.
Wiping his tears away, he looked at me. “Don’t worry about me right now, James.” He said, “I just wanted to tell you how I felt about you so that there wouldn’t be any more secrets between us. But for now, I want you to focus on yourself. I want you to focus on figuring out who you are.”
“Okay...” I said hesitantly.
Sniffling, he grabbed my face and planted a quick kiss on my lips. “Don’t worry about leading me on. I’m fine. Just figure things out.”
I nodded.
“I love you.” He said, his blue eyes bravely staying locked on mine.
I couldn’t tear myself away from those eyes. He was giving me that mysterious look again. Except now it wasn’t so mysterious. Now I knew it was love. And he was giving me that look in the most intense way he ever had. It was as if his eyes digging straight through mine and down to my heart.
I had to figure things out.
I had to do it now.
Time to face reality.
Chapter Sixteen
.
I woke up from a strange dream, but I forgot it right away. I opened my eyes and immediately realized that it was still dark. The next thing I realized was that Ryan was in my arms.
He was sleeping soundly with his head resting on my chest and his arm wrapped around my stomach.
I remembered the previous night in a flash: I arrived back at school, Ryan confessed his love for me, we both cried, we spent the rest of the night cuddling and kissing, we fell asleep in my bed together. And that’s how I ended up here.
I turned to look at the clock. It was only 3:00 in the morning. I smiled at the fact that I was allowed to go back to sleep. But then I turned back to the sleeping boy in my arms.
I couldn’t believe all of this was actually happening. Less than a year ago, I would’ve found it disgusting to be snuggling up with another boy. But here I was, and I was completely comfortable. Ryan loved me, and I was happy about it.
Before I could think too much about my sexuality, I decided to just go back to sleep. At first I wondered if I should wake Ryan up and ask if he wanted to sleep in his own bed. Although it was nice to have someone to cuddle with, it did make me a bit scared to know that it was a guy.
You know what? Fuck it. Who am I kidding?
I was comfortable. He looked comfortable. He was sleeping so peacefully that it would be a crime to wake him up. And having him lay against me the way he was actually made me smile.
Squeezing him tighter, I nestled my nose into his hair. I took a deep breath and became intoxicated by his scent. I fell asleep again easily.
When I woke up next, it was light outside and Ryan wasn’t there anymore. Feeling slightly cold without him, I frowned.
Where did he go?
The clock read 9:13 in the morning. Classes didn’t start again for another day or two, so we were free to do whatever we wanted today. I looked around our dorm room. It looked so different after being away for three weeks. For one thing, it was much cleaner than it normally was. And also, I had gotten used to being at my parents’ house. It was strange to be back at school.
Ryan wasn’t in his bed, and when I got up to check the bathroom, the door was closed and I could hear the sounds of him taking a shower. I nodded, glad to know that he didn’t just leave without waking me up.
Sitting back down on my bed, I immediately started thinking about yesterday. After Ryan told me he loved me, I’d told myself that I needed to figure things out now. Perhaps it was time to stop procrastinating. I needed to think about all this. But I realized quickly that I needed some fresh air.
I slipped some jeans on over the boxers that I was wearing. I changed t-shirts, put some shoes on, grabbed my keys and my cell phone, and left the room. I walked out of Nickerson Hall. Since there were no classes today, everyone was pretty much still asleep. The dorm building was quiet, except for two or three people watching TV in the lounge. Without greeting them, I slipped out the front door and into the open air. It was a bit chilly, but I didn’t mind. The cold felt good on my skin after being under the hot covers with Ryan all night. I knew I had to stop somewhere and start thinking. But for some reason, I just kept walking. I passed a few people who were out and about getting coffee or going to the cafeteria for breakfast. But I didn’t see anyone I knew, so I just kept walking. It was good to be alone.
When I reached the center of the campus, where the large fountain was, I stopped. I sat on the edge of the fountain, right where I’d sat with Loryn the very first time I kissed her. The water splashing against the concrete was loud and annoying, but in a weird way it helped me clear my head. A few people passed by and I started feeling paranoid and claustrophobic, even though I was in the open air. I wished I could be alone. I wished that I was the only person on the entire planet, just for the next few minutes. I bent down and put my head between my legs. My knees covered my cold ears, and it blocked out everything. I closed my eyes. It felt good. So I let the thoughts start flowing.
My whole life, I thought I was straight. Even throughout puberty, and after puberty ended. I had never once doubted my sexuality. I had never once considered being gay. In fact, I almost forgot that being gay was an option. I had never questioned it. I never once had to declare, I’m straight. It just seemed like my default setting. I liked girls. That was it.
My first real girlfriend was Lindsey McFearson. We started dating near the end of my sophomore year of high school. I lost my virginity to her, and she lost hers to me. We always had a kind of bond after that. I thought I really liked her. Maybe it was even something close to love. Or maybe it was just teenage hormones. Nevertheless, we stayed good friends after that. And now I didn’t want to be anything more than a friend to her. Sure, she was pretty and nice and a great person. And after having sex with her a few times, I realized she was definitely not bad in bed. But I had no desire to do anything more. I missed her, but in a friendly way.
Then there was Selena. She was a good friend of mine throughout junior year, and we started flirting a bit after I broke up with Lindsey. She was kind of considered one of the school’s sluts. But that didn’t bother me. She was feisty and funny and sexy. She had that effortlessly beautiful look to her,
and yet she piled on make-up. We had sex at a mutual friend’s party one night, and after that we started hooking up all the time. I never had a real relationship with her. But I liked her. Somewhere inside I knew she was hooking up with other guys behind my back. But I didn’t hate her for it. We weren’t exclusive. She was an animal in bed. She was the best. But somewhere down the line, we just grew apart. We stopped having sex. Even though I’d seen her completely raw, without all the make-up, without the sexy clothes, without the slutty act. Although I knew her way more than the average guy, we just grew apart. I missed her, but it was also in a friendly way. I no longer had any desire to fuck her.
Then there was Alex. I only had sex with her one time. We were kind of dating, not exactly in an exclusive relationship. The one time we had sex wasn’t bad, but it wasn’t anywhere near as good as with Selena. Somewhere down the line, things just didn’t work out between us. There was a bit of drama when we “broke up,” with her girlfriends calling me names and spreading rumors. I hadn’t seen her since. And I didn’t miss her.
And the only other girl I’d ever had sex with in high school was this chick from my friend’s graduation party. I don’t remember her name. I don’t remember exactly what she looked like. But she was crazy, and that’s just about all I remember. I was drunk. She was drunker. We fucked. It was strange. We never saw each other again.
And then there was Loryn. I didn’t know whether or not my relationship with her had been meaningful or not. What I do know is that for the most part, in my opinion, it was fake. I used her to bottle up some scary emotions and thoughts. It was weird to have sex with her, even if it was just that one time. Because at that point, I was already unsure of my sexuality.
And that was the extent of my history with girls. Sitting at the fountain, I looked at the big picture. All five of those girls were beautiful in their own way, and I’d liked them each for different reasons. Some of them meant a lot to me and some of them didn’t. But there was a common thread. None of the relationships I had with them ever worked out. We always broke up for confusing reasons. The general theme in each “break up” (whether official or not) was that we were “growing apart.” I’d never had a relationship with a girl that lasted longer than six months.
The Love We Breathe Page 12