Sweet Wild of Mine

by Laurel Kerr

  June checked the time. It would be morning in the UK. Mady Budge hadn’t said much in her message. She’d just confirmed she was Magnus’s mother, and she’d be willing to renew contact if he wanted. But Magnus was a famous author. His first books had remained on the bestseller list for weeks. The woman might be more interested in money than a reunion. And June needed to know this critical fact. Because somewhere in her sleeplessness, she’d arrived at the inevitable conclusion. She had to tell Magnus. Now that Mady Budge had contacted her, June had no choice. She’d messed up, but keeping quiet would only compound her mistake. This, June realized too late, wasn’t about her. It was about Magnus.

  But if she was going to reveal this to him, she wanted all the facts. Dangling a half answer in front of him seemed worse than the whole truth…even if it meant telling Magnus that his mother just wanted to take advantage of his success.

  June grabbed her phone and headed downstairs. Feeling uncharacteristically nervous, she dialed the number Mady had provided. The first ring seemed like it would never come, but it was only the delay of a transatlantic connection. Finally, she heard a voice on the other line.

  “Hullo?”

  June swallowed and then dug for her normal confidence. She charmed people. That’s what she did. She could handle this. “Hello, is this Mady Budge?”

  A long pause. “Aye.”

  “This is June Winters. I’m the woman who emailed you.”

  An even longer hesitation. “Aye.”

  June rubbed her temple. The woman may have left before Magnus’s formative years, but there were already striking similarities. She just hoped the lady wouldn’t hang up.

  “I have a confession to make,” June said. “Magnus didn’t know I contacted you.”

  Silence, but no click of the phone.

  June took a breath and continued, “I am sorry to put you in this position, but I wanted to talk to you personally before I admit to him what I did.”

  “No m-m-m-m-matter,” the woman said. At her disfluency, June squeezed her eyes shut. Mady Budge sounded so much like her son. She even blocked exactly the same way on the m. Then again, both Magnus and Mady started in a similar manner, and people who stuttered often had difficulties with the first letter of their name.

  “I thought that m-m-m-might be the case,” the woman said. “I don’t blame him. I shouldn’t have left like I did.”

  “Why did you?” June asked gently.

  The woman didn’t speak, but June could tell she was trying. June leaned her head against the cool wall. She’d meant to heal a family. Instead, she’d just dug at old wounds.

  “I couldn’t take him with m-m-m-me,” the woman said, and June believed her. “I had no education, no skills, no m-m-m-money. I m-missed him. Every single day.”

  June stared at the clock on the wall, watching the little hand tick the seconds away. She needed to know if the woman was telling the truth, and June knew the only way was to open up herself.

  “Ms. Budge?”

  “Aye?”

  “I was a first-rate fool to start this, but it’s like a raging bull now. There’s no stopping it. I contacted you because I care for your son. There’s a hole inside him that’s wider than the Atlantic, and he doesn’t deserve that. Do you know how he’s spent the last few weeks? He’s been helping me care for my nan. She’s elderly and gets confused something fierce. He sits with her and tells her about life on Tammay. He hates talking about his boyhood home because he was so unhappy there, but he does it because she lived on the island as a girl during the war and it brings her peace. Your son doesn’t deserve more hurt than he already has. So, what I’m asking is…do you really want a relationship with your son? A real one?”

  “Do you love my son?”

  June squeezed her eyes shut as the truth hit her. She did. She loved Magnus Gray, and she was about to lose him. “Yes.”

  “But you’re going to t-t-tell him what you did even if it might m-m-m-make him leave?”

  “Yes. It’s what’s best for him.”

  “I love my son too,” the woman said, and June noticed she spoke without a hint of disfluency. Mady let the words hang in the air, giving them time to float there, cementing their importance. When she spoke again, her stutter returned. “I loved him since he was a p-p-p-peedie b-b-bairn, and he grabbed my finger. But I wasn’t strong, not like you. I m-m-m-made the only choice I could. Staying on with his d-d-da would’ve killed m-me, but I’m not that feartie anymore. I’ll not bother him. I’ve lost that right. But if he wants anything from m-me—anything—I am here.”

  “Thank you,” June said. “I’ll tell him when he wakes up.”

  “Aye,” Mady said, and then paused. “Good luck, hen. What’s for you will not go past you.”

  After Mady hung up, June stayed in the kitchen for a long time, just staring at the walls. She didn’t sit in silence very often. She normally hated it. To be honest, she didn’t like it now. But she needed it. Maybe if she’d thought before galloping ahead like a racehorse, she wouldn’t be in this pickle.

  When she heard Magnus stirring, she slowly got to her feet. Realizing her shoulders were bent forward, she straightened. June Winters did not slouch. She didn’t avoid problems either. She faced them. And she wouldn’t start flinching now…even if her heart felt heavier than wet Georgian mud.

  * * *

  Magnus woke slowly, which was unusual. His mind sought the protection of sleep, but his body had been trained since childhood to wake before sunrise. With a groan, Magnus rolled over. Concrete thoughts had yet to form, but he felt a sense of loss.

  His eyes slowly opened and focused on the empty swath of bed. June should be lying there, her eyes closed in slumber, a half smile on her bonny lips. But she wasn’t.

  Magnus’s memory came crashing back and, with it, an even greater sense of unease. His conversation with Josh still plagued him. He hadn’t talked to June about it yet. Part of him wanted to retreat, but he found he could not. He needed to speak with her. Perhaps their relationship wasn’t just about her trying to fix him like a bloody piece of rusted farm equipment.

  He stood up, the floorboards cold beneath his feet, but he didn’t bother with socks or slippers. He was used to drafts much worse than this. After all, he’d grown up in a centuries’ old crofters’ but-and-ben. Still, the chill bothered him more than usual. Perhaps it was waking up without June’s warm body tucked against his.

  He wondered if she’d made it to bed last night with her mate being in town. Magnus was just about to go look for her when he heard her tread on the stairs. He started forward but froze when she appeared in the open doorframe.

  The lass looked stricken. He rushed to her. “Your nan?”

  June shook her head. “No, but you may want to sit down.”

  He paused. Thick and deadly, dread pumped through him. He hadn’t felt the sensation in years, but it tasted familiar. After all, it had been his constant companion growing up.

  “What is it, lass?”

  June swallowed. Then she lifted her chin and held his gaze. “I tracked down your mother.”

  * * *

  Everything inside Magnus froze. He couldn’t think. He just stood dumbfounded like a bloody bleating sheep, except he wasn’t making a sound.

  June gave him a timorous smile, her bonny pink lips quivering ever so slightly. But he felt nothing beyond a baltic wind sweeping through the hollow inside him. June and her light had started to fill that emptiness, but that vanished with her words. Hell, the brightness had been leaking from him ever since Josh had hinted Magnus was the latest in a long line of projects.

  “Magnus, say something,” June pleaded softly, her green eyes luminous in the dull light from the lamp.

  But Magnus couldn’t. And not because of his stutter. He simply had nothing to say to her.

  “I know it was beyond stupid.�
� June wet her lips. “I had this fool notion I could fix things for you. I sense a loss deep inside you, and I didn’t want you to leave Sagebrush without helping you resolve it.”

  So Magnus’s fears were right. He had been nothing but clay to June…and a sad, pathetic lump at that. A lump that wasn’t even complete.

  Anger and betrayal sliced through him. He’d lived his whole childhood being beaten and slammed into a shape his da desired, like an ingot on a forge. He’d almost traded his life to escape, but this time was worse. This time Magnus feared he’d have to barter his soul.

  He walked over to the closet and began to pull out his holdall. Fingers touched his shoulder, and time blended together. It wasn’t June’s hand he felt, but his father’s meaty one. He flinched, his body tensed for a blinding blow.

  When it didn’t come, he whirled around, and his bag practically knocked into June. He caught it just in time, but she still jumped back. He saw fear flash in her eyes, but it wasn’t enough to cause him to simmer down. He might be a manky bastard, but he didn’t care. He couldn’t stay in the flat any longer. Walking over to the nightstand, he grabbed his computer and shoved it in his knapsack.

  “Magnus…” June spoke his name softly, like she was addressing a feral dog. He ignored her. His days of being cajoled had ended.

  Hoisting both bags over his shoulder, he headed out the door. Despite his anger, he remembered to tread quietly. He didn’t want to rouse June’s nan. Magnus had reached the back door, his hand on the handle, when he heard June call his name again. By the sound of it, she was standing directly behind him. He didn’t turn around.

  “Magnus, I think we should talk.” He could hear the tears in her voice, and he almost relented. And that? That enraged him even more. The lass had gotten inside his head, something his father had never achieved.

  He turned the knob and yanked open the door. He heard the fall of footsteps behind him.

  “You need to know your mother loves you, Magnus, even if you don’t contact her. She wanted you to know that.”

  Magnus stiffened as fresh pain ripped through him, threatening to cut him to pieces. His whole life he’d been numb, but June had taught him to feel. And this? This was agony, worse than the physical pain of taking a shovel to the head and a bullet to the shoulder.

  He walked out the door into the darkness. The whole time, even as he spoke, he kept his eyes trained on the horizon, even though he didn’t see a glimmer of light. “Fuck off, June.”

  * * *

  June had no idea how long she stood in the kitchen after Magnus left. She couldn’t move. The pain was too great.

  She didn’t even have righteous anger to sustain her. She’d done this. She’d driven him away.

  She didn’t cry. Not yet. All her energy went into absorbing the blow. She didn’t understand how to handle the emotions pounding in her heart. Guilt. Regret. Hurt.

  June simply didn’t know what to do. Because she, the ultimate fixer, had broken something beautiful. And, for the first time, she had no idea how to repair it.

  * * *

  Magnus walked straight to the zoo. He hadn’t put on a coat, and he welcomed the chill lingering in the air. It gave him a semblance of calm, which he needed to deal with Bowie. Magnus had never been clear on how long he planned on staying. After all, he was working for free.

  But not anymore. He had no intention of remaining in Sagebrush Flats any longer than it took to make his goodbyes.

  He stepped through the quiet zoo. At this hour, even the animals were abed. Well, most of them. The honey badgers—the nocturnal peedie buggers—were probably awake and causing mischief.

  Magnus put his bags down in his old room by the nursery. He tried lying down, but sleep danced out of reach. Instead, he kept seeing June and her bonny pink smile. He growled and punched the air mattress. It gave a sad sound and started to deflate. Magnus scowled at it. Evidently, he’d be giving Bowie money for a new one.

  Sighing, Magnus rose to his feet and headed back outside. He needed to say goodbye to Frida anyway.

  * * *

  Honey twitched her nose as she watched the Giant One stomp into the darkness. He was angry, but not a fun angry. His eyes did not flash, and his face had not turned interesting shades of red. No. Instead, he seemed sad and quiet.

  Human melancholy, Honey decided, was boring.

  She scurried into his room. Swiveling her head, she scanned for mischief. When her gaze fell on the large bag, she gave a toothy grin.

  She bounded over and sniffed. It reeked of the Giant One. Perfect.

  With her claws and incisors, she managed to get inside. Material spilled out. She pounced on it, tossing the articles into the air and then playing with them. This wasn’t as fun as attacking a snake, but reptiles were not readily available.

  Honey paused in her mayhem. Although it was an unusual thought, she realized Fluffy would enjoy this. Leaving the semidestruction behind, she hurried into the night. She slunk past the Giant One as he talked to the grizzly. Fluffy did not appear to be in the enclosure, but she found him playing chase with the two female mountain lions. When he caught sight of her at the edge of the other animals’ enclosure, he immediately left his game to follow her. She led him straight into the maintenance building.

  When he spied the pile of human clothing, he skidded to a stop. Then, he immediately pounced. Honey joined him. She had not had this much fun in weeks. And it wasn’t just because the Blond One was not at the zoo. Honey had been feeling very peculiar lately, and she couldn’t seem to stop herself from preparing a burrow.

  Chapter 15

  “I’m leaving,” Magnus told Frida. At the sound of his voice, the old bear raised her head. With the darkness, the grizzly didn’t appear to see him. She sniffed the air instead. Clearly catching his scent, she heaved a huge sigh and rested her chin on her massive paws.

  “You’ll have to find another mate to blether with,” Magnus informed Frida. The beastie nonchalantly flicked an ear.

  “I’m serious.”

  Frida emitted a low rumbling sound, and Magnus leaned against the fence. He wished he could pat the old girl like one of his da’s cows.

  “I won’t be coming back, so this is truly goodbye.”

  The grizzly ignored him, and despite everything, Magnus felt his lips slowly form into a half grin. “The silent treatment will not work. I can’t stay here any longer.”

  Frida shifted and then grunted. The old bruin most likely wanted Magnus to stop talking so she could go back to sleep. But he didn’t leave. Bowie wouldn’t be awake yet, and Magnus didn’t want to be alone with his thoughts.

  “I know it’s as sudden as a blast of wind,” Magnus continued, “but there’s no helping it. It’s time for me to return to London. My editor and agent might not be pleased, but I have clips I haven’t posted yet. And I’ve got enough for a book.”

  Frida rolled over and began to writhe to scratch her back. It was part of the bear’s morning routine. She must have figured Magnus wasn’t going away. He’d have to give her a treat for the inconvenience.

  “You’ll be in the book. Little Sorcha too. But don’t let the fame go to your furry head.”

  Frida snorted and lumbered over to a large rock. She rubbed against it. Magnus found himself giving another half smile. “That itch isn’t going away, now, is it?”

  The bear emitted a contented sound before dropping to the ground. Magnus couldn’t make out her features in the dark, but he imagined she wore a pleased expression on her old face. Magnus heaved his own sigh. He wished he could solve his problems so easily.

  He heard the tread of footsteps behind him. Turning, he spotted Bowie walking under one of the security lights. Magnus glanced at his watch. It was still early for the zookeeper to be out and about. As the man came closer, Magnus could see his solemn expression.

  “You know,” Magnus
said simply.

  “Yeah. June just called Katie.” Bowie joined Magnus at the rail. For a moment, neither spoke. It was Bowie who broke the silence. “I know what June did was—”

  “I don’t want t-t-t-to talk about it,” Magnus said sharply.

  “Okay,” Bowie said easily enough. They were quiet again, and Magnus found he didn’t mind the other man’s presence as much as he’d thought he would. It was good, not being alone. And he blamed June for that weakness.

  Minutes passed before Bowie spoke again. “So, what’s your plan?”

  “I’m leaving at first light.”

  Bowie didn’t respond immediately; he just stared thoughtfully into Frida’s exhibit. “I’ll miss having your help around here. It’s been great, and I appreciate all you’ve done, especially with Sorcha and Savannah.”

  “Aye. I’ll m-miss the p-p-p-peedie beasties.”

  “You know,” Bowie said carefully, “you don’t have to leave right away. You could give it a few days—”

  Magnus shook his head. He had no desire to see June again. If he stayed, she’d find a way to corner him. He knew how the lass worked. She wouldn’t be able to help herself, even if she wanted to.

  “I almost walked away from Katie once,” Bowie began. Magnus started to raise his palm for silence since he wasn’t in the mood for romantic advice, but then Bowie added, “A honey badger stopped me, though.”

  Before Magnus could think better, he dropped his hand and turned toward Bowie in disbelief. “A honey badger?”

  “Yep,” Bowie nodded with a grin. “Katie and I were arguing in the indoor llama shed. In my mind, we were over. I’d just started to storm off when I heard a crash. Fluffy had knocked over an entire dolly of feed, and I couldn’t get the stall door open. That gave Katie enough time to get through my anger. I owe that rascal my current happiness. Without him, I wouldn’t have worked things out with Katie. Maybe it’s why I put up with all the trouble those two honey badgers cause.”

  But Magnus didn’t want to give June a chance to convince him to stay. Not because he didn’t think she’d succeed. Nay. It was because he was fairly certain she would. She’d turn those green eyes on him and quirk those bonny pink lips, and he’d cave like an old thatched roof. Aye, the lass held a sway over him that his da had never achieved with all his shouting. And Magnus had no desire to lose his freedom again, even if it was by charm rather than through physical blows.