Sever

by J. M. Miller

  “Remind me why you’re even doing this?” He ignored my curiosity yet again and poured water over his shaved head. It ran down his neck and soaked into his shirt, turning its already dark shade of sweaty blue into a sopping navy.

  “Because you need your ass kicked and I’m just the girl to do it.” And I need a distraction. From the move. From Tanner. I dug a hand into my bag, reaching around for a bottle of water and only feeling a towel, my pick set, and Mom’s mandatory can of pepper spray. Great.

  “Getting my ass kicked by everyone else isn’t bad enough? This makes me feel so much better about myself, thanks.”

  I glanced up at him, raising a single eyebrow. Deciding my thirst was more important than attending his pity party, I grabbed the pick set from my bag and walked the few feet to the concession stand. Sweat dripped from my forehead onto the lock as I started setting the pins.

  “You can have some of mine,” Stripes said, startling me enough to drop the pick.

  My own exhausted breaths must have been louder than his huffing and puffing. I glared over my shoulder before grabbing the pick again.

  “I’m just saying,” he added. “I have enough. You don’t have to steal any.”

  When the last pin set into place, I popped the lock and pushed the door open. “I’d rather have my own. No big deal.” I snatched a bottle of water from the fridge and chugged half before pausing to take a breath.

  Stripes stood in the doorway, tapping his fingers rhythmically against the frame. He was always tapping beats. With his feet, with his hands, on the ground, on his thighs. He said it was because he loved music and wanted to be a DJ, but I was convinced it had more to do with nerves.

  “How’d you learn to pick locks anyway?”

  I shrugged. “Library book.”

  “Why did you start?”

  “Because I never want to be locked out.” Or in. “Are you finished with the questions now?”

  “I know you said no one pays attention to this place, but aren’t you afraid of getting caught?” he asked, tapping the doorframe again and looking back over his shoulder to scan the area outside.

  Definitely nerves.

  “Why are you so worried, huh? I never asked you to follow me. Just wait outside if you’re afraid of getting in trouble.”

  He shifted his weight, swaying his body. “Wouldn’t your mom be pissed if she found out?”

  Stripes knew my mom and I lived alone. He also knew that my dad had stepped out before I learned to walk. He didn’t know the rest, though. He didn’t know the next guy my mom let in almost stomped her out, or that it had happened with me in the room. I’d dreamed about that bloody night more times than I could count. I’d dreamed about it again the night before, which was the reason I was so tired.

  I downed a gulp of water and brushed past Stripes. “Probably, but she’d get over it. Plus, I don’t have much to lose.” Or enough time left here to care. That was something else he didn’t know. I stared at his practically new clothes and sneakers, thinking of everything he had to lose. “I’m guessing that’s not the same case for you.”

  “It’s not really like that,” he said, stepping out of the way while I closed and locked the door.

  “No? Then what is it?” I turned and leaned a shoulder against the door, watching him consider his answer.

  “Well, I’m not afraid of having things taken from me.” He rubbed a hand over his shaved head. “I’ve told you my parents are pretty strict. They’re busy setting up the newest Mead’s Marine Service and making their name here. Let’s just say I wouldn’t want to give them a reason to take away my time.”

  “Time? Like free time?”

  “Yeah. I already have to help with the shop so I can ‘learn the business,’” he said, making air quotes with his fingers. “I don’t want to risk this time. This is the first place I don’t feel pressure.”

  “If you don’t feel pressure here then we haven’t done enough drills.” I chuckled lightly until he crossed his arms over his stomach. “You’re serious?”

  He wiped more sweat from his forehead then shrugged his round shoulders. “At least my dad eased up off the ‘You need to get into sports like your brother’ lectures since I told him I’ve been playing ball with some friends. He’s thrilled I’m spending time away from games and turntables.” He worked his fingers through the air like he was scratching a record and cracked a little smile that barely moved his thick cheeks.

  “You told him you made some friends, huh?” I couldn’t keep the irritation from my voice as I moved past him to the football.

  “I can’t tell him that a girl is coaching me. Aside from the crap I’d hear for who knows how long, he wouldn’t let me practice with you anymore. He’d think it was a joke.”

  “He would think I’m a joke. That’s nothing new.” I finally turned to look at him. “Do you think I’m a joke?”

  “No,” he replied quickly, shaking his head.

  “But you won’t tell your parents about me because you think they won’t let you come here anymore?” At least the other guys weren’t afraid to tell people about me. Tanner’s mom didn’t really like me, but that was because I’d broken something in her house, not because I was a girl who played ball.

  His eyebrows pulled together. “I wish it was different, but it’s the truth. You’ve seen how Seth is. Where do you think he gets it? My dad is …” he paused, staring off to the trees. “He’s not good with anything different from his norm, and my mom’s not any better. She agrees with him most of the time.”

  “No big deal,” I said, spinning the football in my hand. It wasn’t like I was expecting us to be best friends or anything. This was just practice, something for me to do and a way for him to learn. I was leaving soon anyway. “Okay, break’s over. Let’s switch it up and start some—”

  “What’s this?” a snarky voice called from behind us.

  Stripes and I turned to see Seth and Tanner walking around the side of the concession stand. Seth’s cocky smile blazed brighter than the sun.

  Ugh. I supposed it was only a matter of time before we were found out.

  Tanner’s eyes squinted and he tipped his head curiously. “Syn?”

  I opened my mouth to speak, but Seth opened his first. “Little brother,” he said, stopping directly in front of Stripes with his hands on his hips. “I thought you might be coming here to play with these guys, so I came to crash a game.” His eyes moved to me and narrowed. “But I guess you haven’t been playing with the guys after all.”

  Tanner’s eyes were also still on me. The curiosity in them was now gone, replaced with something else. Disappointment, maybe sadness.

  “Hey, Tanner,” I finally managed to say with a small grin.

  He tipped his head back and stole a quick glance at Stripes before saying, “I called your house.”

  “I’m sorry I didn’t call back.” As soon as I said the words, he smirked and shook his head in annoyance. Tanner was my friend. No matter what, I knew I shouldn’t have ignored him. Deciding to break the awkward silence by trying to be polite with an introduction, I said, “Tanner, this is Stripes. I’ve been—”

  “Stripes?” Seth interrupted with a laugh. “What the hell is that?”

  “Don’t be a dick, Seth,” Stripes said to his brother.

  “You’ve got to be kidding, right? You told Dad and Mom that you met some people after you fell off your bike and you’ve been playing ball with them since. This is who you’ve really been hanging out with?”

  “Yeah,” Stripes admitted with a small waver in his voice. “She’s been helping me. More than you’ve ever done.”

  Face to face, it was hard to believe they were brothers. Seth’s dark hair and lean body were a complete one-eighty from Stripes’ shaved head and thick build. They looked so different, acted so different.

  Seth laughed and wrinkled his lengthy nose. “I know you haven’t gotten any attention from girls, but if you just wait until school starts, I’m sure you’l
l find something that at least resembles one. This one looks like a Muppet, with big ass bug eyes and a unibrow that deserves its own zip code.”

  I dropped the ball and lunged at Seth, who backed away and laughed again in a cocky, irritating tone.

  Stripes jumped in front of me, grabbing my shoulders to hold me back. “Let me handle this, okay?”

  I backed off, seething as I glanced past Stripes’ round head to see Seth still laughing. He stretched his arms over his spiky black hair, daring me to come at him again.

  When Stripes turned away from me, I looked at Tanner. He seemed conflicted, staying quiet as he ran a hand through his brown hair, pushing it out of his face.

  “Just go home, Seth,” Stripes said to his brother.

  I turned away and walked closer to Tanner, needing to explain things. “Look, I’m really sorry, okay? Are you mad at me?”

  “Yeah,” he replied, shoving his hands in the pockets of his shorts. “I thought you were grounded or something, but I called your mom—”

  “I know,” I interrupted. “She told me you called. I was going to call you back. I just …”

  “Just what?” he asked, waiting for an answer I didn’t really have.

  “I don’t know. I was pissed that day because of that dickhead.” I pointed at Seth, who said something to Stripes and shoved him in the shoulder.

  “When were you planning to tell me, Syn?” Tanner asked harshly. “Were you gonna wait ‘til the day before, or just wave to me when you drove off in your U-Haul?”

  Mom told him. No wonder he was pissed. “I was going to tell you, Tanner. I just wasn’t sure how—”

  “You’re such an ass!” Stripes yelled at Seth behind me, pulling my attention back to them.

  Seth strolled backward in the direction he’d come. “After the way they bragged about you to everyone we golfed with at the club this morning, there’s no way I’m keeping this to myself. I bet Dad’s going to love it.” He turned his evil eyes to me one more time. “Playing ball with a girl named Syn. Dinner’s going to be fun tonight.” His laugh echoed across the field as he disappeared behind the concession stand.

  “Shit!” Stripes yelled, swinging his arms up over his head.

  “Later, Syn,” Tanner mumbled. He had already started walking away when I turned around again.

  “Wait, Tanner. I’m sorry, okay? I didn’t know how to tell you. The owner of The Twisted Grape wants my mom to manage their new restaurant in North Carolina. She said she couldn’t turn down the extra money.” I mumbled the last part as I watched him walk away.

  “You’re moving?” Stripes asked behind me.

  For a moment, I’d forgotten he was there. “Yeah,” I replied, wiping the corner of my eye and grabbing the football off the ground. “I leave in two weeks. Before school.”

  “Why didn’t you say anything?” His voice was soft, softer than it needed to be.

  I coughed and spun the ball in my palm, trying to block out the pained thoughts of leaving this place. Home. “Does it matter?”

  “Well, yeah. I mean, practicing with you has been great, and I thought maybe we’d still hang out when school started.”

  “I’m sure that wouldn’t have happened anyway.”

  “Because your friends wouldn’t like me?” His eyes held the same insecurity from the railroad tracks a couple of weeks before.

  My own insecurity broke through as I thought about Seth’s words. “No, I think it’s the opposite. You’re afraid to tell your parents about me. That’s why I don’t know where your house is or that you went golfing with your family at the club this morning. I’m not stupid.”

  “And I’m not scared. I just know what’ll happen if they find out, so I choose to keep it from them. There’s a difference.”

  “There’s no difference,” I said, shaking my head. “But it doesn’t matter now anyway, right? Seth’s gonna tell them and you won’t be able to hang out with me anymore.”

  “Right. And that doesn’t even matter because you’re moving,” he said bitterly.

  I bit my bottom lip, looking toward the open field and thinking about Tanner and the guys. I’d miss them. I’d even miss practices with Stripes. “Right,” I agreed, glancing at him for a moment. I opened my mouth to speak again, but nothing I wanted to say felt right. Instead of trying to find the right words, I just tossed him the ball and walked to my bike without looking back.

  I was in Damian’s house. He’d gotten the place he’d wanted. A tinge of happiness spread through me as I looked at the equipment around me, but it was immediately followed by the dread of being here. A haze settled into my head, fogging my already chaotic thoughts. I leaned back against the sound room’s wall and slid down, sinking with the weight of my guilt. I’d broken into his house.

  Fuck.

  I scrubbed my face with one hand then looked around the room again. How was I supposed to take his stuff? He’d obviously worked hard for everything he had. Knowing he’d gone to NYU, there were days I’d been tempted to look him up, but I didn’t want to add to the mess I’d made. No matter how much I thought of him, no matter how much I cried, I knew he would never forgive me. This was, after all, what I’d wanted for him, the future he’d deserved.

  I stared at the picture between my fingers. The thought of him holding on, if even a little, squeezed my tormented heart. It meant the memory of us was worth keeping. For me, it was absolutely worth it. What we’d had was the most genuine thing I’d ever allowed into my life. He was the one guy I really let in, the same one who saw deeper than others cared to look.

  He was the one who wanted to save me.

  Blinking back tears, I stood and returned the picture to the booth drawer. I had to bail. There was no way I could take anything from him.

  I’d already taken too much.

  No matter what happened, this wasn’t how I needed to handle my problems. I’d have to tell Tanner I was out, even if it meant owing a kickback to his guy. I’d scout older music stores, maybe hit some thrift shops. I’d buy a cheap setup and land some local jobs. I’d find a way to get back on my feet. I had to.

  I smoothed a hand across the laptop’s keys, picturing Damian doing the same. I missed watching him. The way his fingers controlled the decks, the way his body moved with the music. I shook my head and closed the laptop. I had to get out.

  After straightening the things I’d shifted around, I left the room and moved to the staircase. Halfway down, I heard a door snap closed. The mudroom. There was no chance I’d make it downstairs fast enough to escape—up was the only option. I clenched my hands and bit my bottom lip, then shifted onto the balls of my feet and climbed as stealthily as possible. A guy entered the living room and I backed against the wall with my heart pounding so violently I thought my chest might rip apart.

  He walked into the kitchen and switched on more lights, killing the shadows all the way to the vaulted ceiling. I yanked my hood up and looked across the open living room to the massive wall of windows, realizing pretty quickly that I was staring at my reflection. It wasn’t hard to miss my black clothes against the white wall, and if I could see myself, there was a good chance he could too. I had to move. Heading forward to the DJ room was too big of a risk, so I backtracked toward the master suite.

  I kept an eye on him, peeking around the corner of the door frame. He stood at the pub table in the kitchen with his back to me, raking his fingers into his thick dark hair and staring at a piece of paper in his other hand. A black T-shirt fit snugly across his upper back and shoulders, looser at his waist. The way his jeans hugged his butt, the way he stood—it all looked familiar. I willed him to turn around even though I was terrified of being caught. I had to know if it was Damian. I needed to see how five years had transformed him.

  He moved to the refrigerator and cracked open a beer. I stooped down a bit, attempting to see his face beyond the railings of the staircase. After taking a large pull from the bottle, he set it down and strode toward the stairs. I scrambled, s
tumbling backward into the dark bedroom, searching for a place to hide. The bed wasn’t high enough to crawl under and nothing else in the room would conceal me. If he flipped the lights, it would all be over.

  I slipped into the bathroom and looked over my options in a hurry. Small thuds padded up the steps. He was getting closer. I had a feeling he would go for the main closet and shower before anything else, so the thin linen closet across from the double vanity sink was my best shot. There wasn’t much room to stand in front of the shelves, but I settled in and left the door cracked enough to see. A second later, the bathroom light switched on and he appeared in front of the sinks.

  Damian.

  He stared into the mirror for a moment and rubbed the scruff along his jaw. Even though his hazel eyes were heavy, they still held that familiar light. I studied the rest of him. His straight eyebrows looked more stern and his nose a little longer. His face had filled in a tad, just like the rest of his body. Those wide shoulders definitely looked bigger up close, and he may have grown a few inches taller too. He was the same, yet so different.

  Damian sighed and peeled off his T-shirt, revealing the slopes of his bare shoulders and the taper of his back down to his waist. In the mirror, I could see the soft contours of his chest and stomach muscles.

  His body definitely wasn’t eighteen anymore. It was every bit of twenty-three.

  Black and gray tattoos covered parts of his tight skin: over one shoulder and onto his bicep, on his chest and down his ribcage. There were line designs, a few vinyl records and decks with their own details and flare, and a skull made entirely of DJ equipment. The tattoo on his chest, though, was different. It was circular in the center, but the top and bottom had points and edges flaring up and down, extending the circle in each direction. If it was something more than an abstract piece, I was too far away to tell.