Through a Mother's Eyes

by Cary Allen Stone

  JULIE: Yeah...yeah, I didn’t want him to know anything. I was wrong, you know, I didn’t want him to see me upset or anything, cause, you know, if I cried and cried, if I was upset––he got upset. So, I didn’t... I wanted him to nap. I just wanted to be with him.

  STONE: You were going to end your life too?

  JULIE: Oh, yes...yes. Had no intentions of staying without him.

  STONE: But it didn’t work out like you planned.

  JULIE: The medication that I gave him... I expected it to be much quicker than it was and, uh, I did not expect to, to have seizures. While he was not conscious or responsive but, uh, I didn’t want it to be... I was afraid, you know, afraid that I’d mess something up, and cause damage alone. I just wanted him to go to sleep, and then I could go to sleep with him. But, um, it seemed, it seemed to go on. I, I don’t remember my times or anything, I don’t remember how long...five minutes? And, that’s when I, um, Charley was not responsive. I cut him, and then I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t, I, uh, I couldn’t do it. I should have been, I, I couldn’t...basically, very superficial. I don’t remember how much time passed and, uh, there is, and always has been, a discrepancy.

  The way I remember it, and that I’ve always told Mark, um, because when they found out about it, Mark said, “Did you drown Charlie?” And I said, “I did not drown Charlie.” And I didn’t understand why he kept saying that, but what I had done and never asked if it was in any of the reports or anything, but Charlie... I put Charlie in the bathtub during the superficial cuts and, uh, I put in, I put a pillow in the bathtub. And, uh, I put Charlie in the bathtub, and I washed him all off, I cleaned him all off. Then I got him out of the bathtub, and I dried him off. I don’t know how I got him dressed. And I put him in bed. But to me, when I put him in the bathtub...I thought he was gone.

  And Mark said that he must not have been. All I ever remember Mark saying...that I...I don’t remember it. I didn’t want to do that. And I don’t know if I did. I don’t remember doing it. Maybe I had been thinking that I did something else. But I know that I put the pillow in the bathtub, and I laid him on that pillow so that he wouldn’t come down too... But I don’t know, you know, I...I don’t know. I do not remember doing that, but that’s been... I got real, real upset when Mark mentioned it and, um, maybe because I got so upset he never mentioned it again. I never heard about it again but it’s, uh, I never saw it again. Chuck had said something to mother about it. And Mark said something to me on the phone. And, uh, I don’t remember doing that. I remember the medication. And I do remember cutting him...

  STONE: Did you plan to take your life?

  JULIE: I took a, all... I had already taken 45 or 60, I don’t remember. I thought I had written, um, but then I guess I didn’t. Maybe I had written the amounts down that I gave to Charlie. I don’t remember, I thought that I did, but I didn’t. I had, I had already taken my regular dose of Hydrocodone. It was, it was over 45 or 60 of one of those two combinations and I took a large, large, large dose of the Benadryl on top of that.

  And I took, um, a large dose of the Lopressor. Plus, I had gone, I went to the lounge, and I got two drinks. It’s the first time that I had anything to drink. So, I combined all of that and collapsed. They were not aware, I don’t even know if I told them that I had done that––the investigating officers. Because I know that when we were still at the hotel, that they weren’t aware of my wrist or anything. Because I remember, when the lady finally saw that, and that wasn’t until I was booked in, and she saw my wrist...

  STONE: They saw broken glass in the room. You told them it was from somebody who was in the room before you and that you cleaned it up with a towel. They did ask if you had attempted suicide, and your answer was “no.” And they asked about the scratch on your wrist. Parks said you did not require medical care on the scene.

  JULIE: The officer that was in the room with me said, and I remember him yelling out the door, he said, “This woman is completely delusional.” And, when I told him I was seeing all kinds of weird things, and the guy was getting nasty with me. And, uh, when I got, uh, to the jail and Mark came to see me, the first thing he said to me was, “I’m going to order lab work, lab work ordered immediately––today.” I said okay. That was never done at all. So, in actuality they don’t know that I had Hydrocodone in my system. They don’t know what I had in me

  STONE: I have a copy of the interrogation videotape.

  JULIE: Was I talking plainly and clearly in the tape? Was I sitting up straight? Because, see to me, I seemed, well from what I remember is I was really leaning and––

  STONE: Yes, you were. And it was hard to hear what you saying.

  JULIE: See that’s what I don’t understand. How could they honestly think that I would not be under the influence?

  STONE: They already had enough for a conviction. They really didn’t need anything else.

  JULIE: Right. Oh no, they had enough for their, for their conviction. But I think it, it’s a shame that, I mean, at least lab work didn’t get done, you know, because...

  STONE: Did you conceal evidence?

  JULIE: I left everything, uh, where it was. I put Charlie in bed, tucked him in and, uh, I wrote out my letter to Dad and, um, I’m sure I wrote something else.

  STONE: There were other letters.

  JULIE: I don’t remember who else I wrote to. I don’t remember. But no, I didn’t, uh, hide anything, or conceal anything. I left everything where it was.

  STONE: You wanted to die that night?

  JULIE: Yes. I had every intention of dying. That’s if I, um, I don’t, yeah, I remember taking, I took it real late that night, must have been like three... It was after Charley, and after I had sat down and written everything. I got out my driver’s license, everything out there, identification, everything out for them, uh, so it was somewhere around three probably in the morning that I took all of that. And just, I guess, I passed out. At one point, I passed out. And, um, I don’t remember anything until I remember...

  See all the part where I was wandering around outside and didn’t have, you know, my bottom part of my clothes on, I don’t remember any of that. That’s what’s been told to me that I was doing, that I was trying to, they said, “to open the hotel room with my car keys.” And, you know, some old lady said I was on the outside the door praying and, um, but all that’s been told to me. I don’t remember doing any of those things. I guess I had glass in my foot so I had been...maybe that came from inside where they said it was broken. I don’t remember the broken glass, except I thought there was a broken ashtray in there.

  STONE: When housekeeping found you.

  JULIE: That’s when I kind of, yes, when they, um, couldn’t get in and, um, I remember the manager coming up, I think it was the manager, or somebody, and she was yelling at me. And that’s when I was like, you know, I didn’t... I was like... I couldn’t understand why she was yelling and screaming at me. And she was, she was yelling and, um, I guess it was because of the way I was dressed. But I wasn’t, I wasn’t, I had no idea. Yes, I was, I guess, totally just not lucid at all.

  And so, she opened the door and went in the room. And, um, she said, uh, “Oh my God!” She said, uh, then somebody else came in and said, “call, the ambulance!” And I, when I looked, and one of the maids went over to the bed and she said, “Well, he’s just had a bath.” And I looked at her and I guess everybody realized that, um, he, he, um...that he had died.

  And, um, then the police came and I was just kind of...I don’t know, I was just like in a, in a fog, I guess. I wasn’t, you know, hearing “murder” or, you know, “homicide” and, and, I was like––no! Even while I had thought of this, I thought about doing this, and myself. I guess those terms of, of, murder, and killing, and homicide never they never entered my mind. It wasn’t something that I, I thought, “you’re going to kill yourself, you’re going to murder your son––it’s homicide, you can go to prison for the rest of your life, die in the electric chair!” Those t
hings never, ever, ever came into my mind. The only thing I ever thought was – I’m saving Charley. And I’m going with him and––

  STONE: It said in your letter that you believed you failed your children.

  JULIE: Yeah.

  STONE: And yet, Ashley loves you.

  JULIE: Yeah.

  STONE: And Charley loved you.

  JULIE: Very, very much... Yeah. I should have been able to stand up on my own. And I should have been able to get out my relationship with Chuck. Charley was six years old and he wanted me to go away from him.

  STONE: Charley said that?

  JULIE: Yes! He wanted to go away, he wanted to go away. He wanted to go live at the ocean, just he and I. I was so crazy about him! Oh God, I miss him so much!

  STONE: He was your best friend?

  JULIE: He was my only friend. I loved him so much... I should be with him. I want to be with him so bad!

  STONE: There were chains and a medallion around his neck.

  JULIE: He didn’t wear them at school it was for safety. They were mine, they were mine, and I put them on him. It wasn’t really that he wasn’t allowed to, but he wasn’t safe, you know, cause it was too––he was a little boy. I wouldn’t have him with things around his neck, playing. And he couldn’t wear them in school. He always wanted the necklaces. He asked me to put them on... I let him, only in the house.

  STONE: I understand that you were allowed to attend a private viewing at the funeral home.

  JULIE: The chaplain went with me. They set up a private time for me to go. We switched vans a couple times because of media. The media ended up seeing me there; they found me there. Uh, I had several officers with me, and the Chaplain. And I guess they had a big argument at the jail over who was going to get to go––very morbid, very morbid people, they were. Uh, the Chaplain actually told me that. So I guess the commanding officer that day chose none of them obviously that wanted to go, and called all off-duty and, uh, who weren’t around at the time. So, I went...

  STONE: Was Chuck there?

  JULIE: No, Chuck was back, he was in the back but, um, you know, he didn’t...they wouldn’t let him out. They had off-duty officers, armed guards, back there with him. They didn’t know that maybe he’d come out and “cap” me, or something. Which like I told Mark, I said, “you go through with this order because if he chooses to do that, that’s okay with me, I don’t care!

  STONE: Did you say anything to Charley?

  JULIE: Yes, I talked to Charley. I told him that I loved him. And I would be with him soon. And that he was safe.

  STONE: Would you do it again? Would you take Charley’s life again?

  JULIE: No.

  STONE: Why did you take Charley’s life?

  JULIE: To save Charley.

  STONE: A child Chuck wanted to abort.

  JULIE: Yes.

  STONE: And he was going to fight for custody.

  JULIE: Yes.

  STONE: Why?

  JULIE: Yes. Charley was a pawn. Charley was Chuck’s way of getting to me. He was not my way of getting to Chuck, but he was his way of getting to me. I wouldn’t go back to him. See, when he put that injunction against me, and he lied so badly in that, uh, but it didn’t matter to me that he retracted it, that he wrote the letter to the judge and admitted that, you know, he was not honest and truthful. At that point, it didn’t matter to me; he had done a lot of damage. David got a hold of that injunction and used that against me in court for Ashley. And, uh, I never looked back after that. And, so he got mad and figured if he filed for divorce maybe, I guess, that would make the difference and I’d come back.

  STONE: What role did the Hydrocodone play that night?

  JULIE: No, it wasn’t, the Hydrocodone. The amount of Hydrocodone that I used was maintenance; it didn’t prevent me from thinking about the consequences of anything else in my life. So, I’m not going to blame this... And just like I kept telling Mark, but I guess the state doctors had always thought that “she was a drug addict, yes, she was a drug addict, you know, she was high, and, uh, she was high and didn’t know what she was doing! And that’s why she did this.” And I got to the jail, and I was so skinny, you know, all the officers––“uh, was she on crack?” And it, you know, I don’t, and I don’t buy the fact that Hydrocodone made me do this at all. I don’t remember the last time I was even able to get “high” on the Hydrocodone I took so much of it.

  I think that it was a combination of the Hydrocodone and the stress that had been building for a long time, and the panic of having to leave Charley, and the worry. I think it was a combination of everything because something had to have been dreadfully wrong with me up here [pointed to her head] for me to have never sat and thought...because I thought of what I needed to do to protect Charley. But I never thought of any consequences or anything ever happening, except me being with Charley, and I’m leaving. I never thought of prison and, uh... So something had to, something wasn’t... I mean today if I go to do something, or think about doing something; I’m willing to think, you know, what are all of the ramifications of me doing this. At that time, I wasn’t able to for whatever reason, wasn’t able to see anything beyond I’m going to save Charley, and I’m gonna be with him.

  STONE: You were a “rag doll” on the videotape.

  JULIE: That was... You see that was the Benadryl and Lopressor, because the Vicodin––I could bounce off the walls at Bally’s all day long. So, that’s what I meant. The Hydrocodone did not take me through that but what made me act like that on the tapes, yes, that was the Benadryl, cause the Benadryl, and I took a very large dose of Benadryl and the Lopressor, in combination with the alcohol––

  STONE: Did you contemplate suicide after your arrest?

  JULIE: There’s that God thing again, you know if I were to do that to myself, you know, is it, is it true that I’ll never get to be with Charley again?

  STONE: That’s an interesting concept.

  JULIE: Yes. It’s why I was afraid, you know. If I wasn’t afraid of it I would have done it in County, you know, I would have. They all expected me to. They all thought that I was going to.

  STONE: This is later, after November 6?

  JULIE: This is later. As a matter-of-fact, it happened later when, uh, one of the officers at the jail started pushing a couple of the, uh, Jehovah’s Witnesses on me. And that was, uh, because I wasn’t eating, and all this stuff. And that’s when they started the “you want to be with your son...and will be with your son again, you know. If you do anything to harm yourself... You want to be with your son again?”

  No, I had never, so I’ve never tried ever since. But it was like all these things people say about God, and I haven’t seen any of it. And yet maybe that’s the one thing that I’ll choose not to believe, and will be true. Yeah, that’s, that’s my luck! Yeah, it has to be, that’s the one! That’s the only law He has! That you can’t kill yourself! Yeah. And that would happen to me and, um, where Charley’s concerned I’m not willing to bargain with that.

  STONE: What do you fear the most? I guess your answer would be that you wouldn’t be with Charley.

  JULIE: Yes.

  STONE: There’s nothing in prison, or on earth that could cause you fear anymore?

  JULIE: No. And I want to... I need to be with my daughter. I need to see my daughter.

  STONE: How do you sleep?

  JULIE: Me? A little bit. I’m okay. I sleep okay, sometimes.

  STONE: Do you have nightmares?

  JULIE: Yes. I’ve had nightmares. I went through a real bad period of all that. I was heavily, heavily medicated all through County time, uh, weird flashbacks. I’ll tell you the strangest thing. And I was telling my counselor. I had first talked to Mark on the phone and he had mentioned your name. And the name did not ring a bell with me, or anything. And you have to remember, since I’ve been incarcerated, since I’ve been in jail, I’ve never been around anybody except Chuck and mom. That’s it, no other visitors, nobody at all from that time
period. And, uh, I got your letter, and I looked at the name, and still didn’t recognize the name. But when I pulled out the picture, it was like an instant flashback of that time period at Bally’s! Things were real bad for me and, and Charley, it was like, like, “oh my God! I remember him now!” You know, and it was like I don’t think I want to see him. And so, yeah, I have nightmares.

  STONE: I just thought the photograph would help you to remember who I was.

  JULIE: And it did. After that initial... It was just strange the way that happened.

  STONE: Regrets?

  JULIE: Yeah.

  STONE: Remorse?

  JULIE: Yeah. I have hurt everybody, you know. My only thought is Ashley’s safe, and Charley’s got to be safe. I never, ever thought what is this going to do to Chuck? What is this going to do to my mother? My father? Those things never, they never came in, yeah, so now the remorse is all I have...

  STONE: Has the media been a problem?

  JULIE: Yeah. Yeah. They were calling the jail continuously calling wanting to talk to me continuously, um, then it finally died down. I appeared back in the news several times, uh, and again not long ago, not too long ago. It seems like any time there is something like this happens, a mother of a child, a father of a child, they’ll go back three or four crimes and, um, put them on the news, too. So, I’ve been on the news a couple times because of that. What really, um, kills me is to be in the same category like a Susan Smith. It bothers me, and it’s because I’m here.