by Len Webster
“You’re Alexandra Parker. You have two parents who love you and want you to excel in whatever your heart desires. You have a bakery and restaurant full of employees who love you and miss you. You have an entire city who adores you. You don’t smile the way you used to. You got lost along the way, and that’s not a bad thing, Alex. You’re growing up. You’re experiencing the world. We get lost along the way when we give ourselves—our whole selves—to the ones we love. But you’re home now, and you’re free to be you here. I believe in you. You’ll find your way, and you’ll fall in love with your dreams again. You just need time.”
She smiled at the man who she’d considered family her whole life. “Thank you, Danny.”
“I’m here for you. Always will be. Now, how about you clean up and we go for a walk by the harbor? That was always your favorite thing to do to clear your mind—besides peeling carrots.”
Alex laughed, thankful she had someone like Danny in her life. She pulled away and nodded. “I’ll grab my purse,” she said as she left the kitchen and headed to her mother’s office.
Once inside, she went to her mother’s leather couch where clients sat when they were discussing orders and picked up her coat and purse. She opened her bag and pulled out her phone to text her mother that she was with Danny.
Her heart came to a halt.
One message had her jaw clenching.
In the sea of missed calls and texts from Landon was a message from Evan.
She knew better, but she couldn’t help herself as she opened it.
Evan: Your father’s right. I have hurt you. Again and again. I let you down. And I’m sorry. For everything. I’m so sorry, AJ.
“AJ,” she breathed, her heart squeezing at the longing to be her old self once again.
To be the AJ before it all happened.
Before she fell in love with Evan.
When she was content with her life.
With her choices.
And with her dreams.
The walk with Danny did Alex some good. It had been nice when he looped his arm with hers and updated her on what she had missed while she was at Duke. Danny was attractive and could cook, so how he was still single she would never know. He told her plenty of times that just because he didn’t have a girlfriend didn’t mean he was alone. And after each time, she’d roll her eyes and tell him that he should hurry as he was getting old. After they returned to the bakery, Danny went back to the restaurant, and Alex helped her mother create new cupcakes with the scouted produce from Providence.
That had been almost three hours ago.
Now, she was standing outside Evan Gilmore’s door, still unable to take her mind off him. She had gone to the bakery to clear her head, but it had been no use. She couldn’t forget the way he was pinned against the wall because of her father. She felt terrible. And that, she told herself, was the reason she was outside his front door. But she knew she was lying to herself.
She was an awful liar when it came to her heart. It wanted answers she shouldn’t have. Answers that could hurt her further. Glancing down at the box in her hands, she knew what she was risking to find herself.
She owed Landon Carmichael nothing. He had left her. He had been the one who lied. The one who ended them. Not Alex. She was committed and had been since their first date together.
Memories of them would need to be put away in order to move on. Taking a deep breath, Alex stepped forward and pressed the doorbell. Seconds of waiting passed before she heard the door unlock and then it opened.
Evan stood before her, shocked to see her.
“Alexandra,” he breathed.
And then her heart clenched. Completely and utterly clenched at the softness in his voice and in his eyes. He shouldn’t still affect her. He couldn’t. She had been fine without him.
When I was Landon’s.
But now that she wasn’t, those feelings she once had for Evan resurfaced, leaving gashes in her heart as they broke free.
“I want to go back,” she found herself saying. “Because even when I was happy and satisfied with my relationship, you still managed to hinder it. You called, and it just began this downward spiral of my life. I was happy, Evan. And now I’m distraught with no clue as to who I am. I need to find out all the whys. Why you did all of it. Why it hurt when he called me AJ. I want to find her. The AJ I was before prom … before everything … when we were best friends. And I know I can only find her with you. Because AJ was yours. I was AJ because of you.”
Evan nodded, his eyes sparkling with so many emotions. “Okay. Back to when we were best friends.”
Alex inhaled a short breath, stepped forward, and handed Evan the box he had left in her room. It was a peace offering. It had been everything to her, but now, she had no idea what it truly meant. “I don’t want you to open it just yet. As I said, when I bought this for you, it meant everything to me. It still does. Which means until I can trust you, it means nothing. Call it faith in trust. My faith in the best friend I had in you. I might be making a mistake, but I seem to just be a failure to everyone I fall in love with. I don’t want to feel that way anymore.”
“I won’t open it until you tell me to,” he promised. “I just want you to be happy.”
The sincerity in his voice had her biting her lip. She couldn’t return to the Alexandra Parker who made him her world. Not when he had blown it up. So she set a line for them. “I won’t ever fall in love with you, Evan.”
“I know,” he said with a tinge of sadness to his voice. He glanced down at the box and then at her, offering her a small smile.
“I still love him,” she confessed. “I planned on loving him for the rest of my life.”
“Then he was lucky to have you love him.”
She slowly released a breath of air. “I used to love you, too, Evan. You just didn’t accept my love the way he did.” Then, without another word, Alex spun around and walked away, retreating with her heated heart back to her house and leaving Evan behind her.
Once she was safely inside her house, she heard her mother and father’s voices echoing from the kitchen. Hearing her mother laugh, Alex decided that they didn’t need to see her on the brink of tears. To see how raw and exposed she was. To see the shell of the daughter they once had. When Alex found herself again, she’d make them proud.
Heading upstairs, she felt her phone vibrate in her back jeans pocket. She pulled it out and unlocked it as she walked down the hall and into her bedroom, closing the door behind her. Alex opened her call history and scrolled through to find that she missed another one from Landon. She couldn’t bring herself to answer him.
They were over. He had said so himself, so he shouldn’t call her. He wanted to be a famous basketball player, and that meant a life without her. And Alex was working toward that. A life without Landon Carmichael. She knew the only way they could both move on was if she had the final word.
The final say in their end.
Alex pressed on Landon’s number and held the phone to her ear. It took two rings before he picked up.
“Alex, thank God, I’ve been—”
“Stop,” she said in a leveled tone, interrupting him. “Stop calling me, Landon.”
He sighed. “Alex, I made—”
“No,” she said in a tight voice. “I can’t let you finish that sentence. I need space from you. I need time. You said it yourself; you want your dreams, and they don’t include me. You hurt me when all I’ve done is love you and choose you … and put you first. All I’ve wanted was for you to be happy. Basketball makes you happy. Not me.”
“Alex, I love you.”
She clenched her eyelids tight, fighting against her tears. “And I still love you, but you didn’t show it. I didn’t feel it. Now they’re just words. Words you used to say and used to mean. Words I used to believe.”
“Then what do we do
?”
Alex opened her eyes and walked to her bed, sitting down on it. She stared at the MIT flag that her mother had put on her desk.
MIT was her dream. With or without, before and after Landon, it had always been her dream. And for once, it had to be about her.
“Landon …”
“I’m sorry,” he whispered, pain tight in his voice. “I’m so sorry, Alex.”
“Please stop,” she begged.
“I let the situation get away from us. I didn’t mean it. I just … I don’t want this to be over between us. I made a mistake. Please come back to Duke. I know you’re at home. Please give me another chance.”
“I need more time, Landon. You didn’t make a mistake; you made a choice for us. And that choice was your dream. But think about it. If it were the other way around, would you take me back if I chose physics over you?”
He remained silent, and that was Alex’s answer.
“Goodbye, Landon,” she said before she told him the truth.
That she still loved him.
But that love wouldn’t be enough.
Not after everything.
66 Dy
dysprosium
AJ
Freshmen year of college
It had been a month since their first date.
It had been three weeks since she said yes to being Landon Carmichael’s girlfriend.
Life was finally good to her.
She had the most affectionate boyfriend who looked at her like she was his world.
AJ saw the way girls around campus looked at her with envy. She was dating one of Duke’s national championship winning basketball players. Savannah had squealed and told her that she had won the lottery for scoring Landon. When he asked if they could be exclusive and make it official on their second date—dinner at a downtown restaurant—she saw the nerves on his face when AJ had hesitated for a moment. Though it was brief, she hadn’t meant to. She was excited and wanted to be his girlfriend more than anything, but that second of hesitation felt like an eternity. Landon hadn’t seemed to pick up on it. When she had said yes, an ease and rightness surrounded her. Her heart sang with joy, and her brain commended her.
What she felt for Landon was different. He made her feel worthy and beautiful. She had never been anyone’s girlfriend before, and she knew she wouldn’t be the best at it, but it felt natural. It felt right to be adored by her boyfriend.
The sound of another ball making it through the hoop had her peeking up from the classical physics textbook. She smiled as Landon retrieved the basketball. After they had picked up their beverages at Chino’s, he walked her to the Cameron Indoor Stadium to study. With the library being packed because of finals, he suggested the only other place on campus he felt comfortable in. She tested Landon as he practiced his free throws. For each question he got right, he got to throw the ball into the hoop. Wrong and he had to run to the baseline several times. She had questioned him for half an hour before he told her to take a break from civil engineering and concentrate on her studying.
AJ set her textbook down and watched as Landon stared at the basketball in his hand. Then he gazed up and took in the empty stadium. For the past two weeks, he had been worried about the upcoming vote for captain. The team was about to vote for their senior captain next season, and Landon had been chosen as a candidate by his teammates and best friends, Chase and Walt. AJ had no doubt that Landon would be the next captain. She didn’t see any of the other upcoming seniors having the leadership skills her boyfriend possessed naturally.
“You’re still worried about tomorrow?” she asked out loud, getting his attention.
The concern on his face vanished as a smile splayed across his lips. “Sorry, I can’t help it.” He bounced the ball twice. “I’ve always wanted to be captain of the team—even before I got accepted into Duke.”
“Don’t worry. You’ll be the next Duke Blue Devils captain, Landon. I know it. I feel it. You have to trust in your team, and you’re what’s best for them.”
Landon grinned as he made his way toward her. When he reached her, he said, “You always know what to say,” before he pressed a soft and chaste kiss on her lips. “All right. It’s your turn.”
AJ pulled back, raising her brow at him. “My turn?”
Her boyfriend nodded and headed over to his gym bag on the floor. He set the basketball down and searched inside, pulling out a stack of study cards.
“What is that?”
“Your study cards for your classical physics final. You left your notes in my dorm room, and I know how stressed out you are. So I made you study cards. Thought we could study my way. You get a question right, and you can shoot from the free throw line. It’s more fun and relieves stress.”
Her heart stopped at the sight of the cards.
Her ability to inhale came as a struggle.
“You made me study cards?”
He nodded.
Landon Carmichael had made her study cards for a final she knew she would ace. She didn’t have the heart to tell him that the stress she had was for another class. She sat in awe as he picked up the basketball and headed toward the free throw line. Landon set the basketball down and began to shuffle through the cards he made for her.
AJ got up from the seat and made her way to him. Her heart hammered in her chest, wanting to say the words that seemed far too foolish to say. But she knew how she felt. How strongly she felt for Landon.
No one had ever made her study cards. No one had ever cared enough to even look at her physics textbooks. He supported her in ways no one else had.
At the sight of him glancing up at her with his sparkling blue eyes, she knew she was in love with Landon Carmichael. It happened so quickly that it left her breathless. But they had spent months getting to know each other, spending time together, so it didn’t happen overnight. It had taken its time, and it was worth the wait. Because it was true, and she couldn’t stop the moment she realized.
I’m in love with Landon Carmichael.
Landon held up a card from the stack as she stopped in front of him. “What is the definition of classical physics?”
“I don’t know,” she lied in a small voice.
Her boyfriend’s brows furrowed, and then he tilted his head. Without looking at the card, he said, “Alex, it’s the study of motion of bodies in accordance to Sir Isaac Newton’s general principles in his 1687 work, Philosophiae Naturalis Principia Mathematica.”
He was right. He had learned her notes. AJ’s eyes widened with awe and shock.
“Are you sure you’re feeling okay? I thought—”
She didn’t let him continue. Instead, she looped her arms tightly around his neck and let her lips collide with his, kissing the I love you she wasn’t quite confident to say yet. She heard him drop the study cards, and they landed on her feet as his arms wrapped around her waist, pulling her body to his. He kissed her back with just as much passion and desire as her kiss.
“Thank you,” she whispered when she pulled back for a breath of air, knowing how true and honest her heart’s affections were toward Landon Carmichael.
Her boyfriend’s contented smile made those butterflies in her stomach soar. “You’re welcome. I dropped the cards.”
She laughed. “It’s okay.”
“If they’re ruined, I promise I’ll rewrite them,” he said, claiming her heart the way she never thought anyone could.
AJ smiled. Temptation to tell him that she loved him almost drowned her. She was desperate, but she knew she couldn’t rush the truth. She wanted her I love you to sound as natural as the love she felt for her boyfriend.
And she knew that would require time.
Time they both had together.
Landon’s hand settled on her thigh and squeezed. AJ abandoned her conversation with Walt and his redhead dinner date and ga
ve her boyfriend her attention.
“Did I tell you how beautiful you look tonight?”
AJ felt her cheeks warm at his compliment. She had dressed in a tight black dress with matching black pumps. Savannah helped straighten her hair and apply more makeup than usual. Tonight’s award dinner was to celebrate several players and honor the coaching staff for a successful season. And, hopefully, announce her boyfriend as the next Duke captain.
The way his blue eyes gleamed at her had her heart clenching. If anyone was beautiful, it was Landon Carmichael. He wore a white business shirt with the Duke ‘D’ embroidered on his chest, black dress pants, black polished shoes, and a Duke blue tie. He looked the part of captain, and she was confident he would be chosen for the honor.
“You have mentioned it a few times,” AJ said as she covered his hand on her thigh with her own.
“Just a few?”
She nodded with a smile.
“I’ll fix that,” he promised as he leaned closer to her. “You look so beautiful tonight, Alex.”
“Thank you,” she said before Landon pressed his lips to her cheek.
A throat cleared, and AJ turned her head to see Coach Dayton stand from his seat. The room quieted in an instant. Then she noticed Zane, the current captain, stand with a smile.
“Zane, you have my court,” Coach Dayton said.
The six-foot-seven captain nodded. Zane was on his way to Houston after being drafted last week to play professionally for the Rockets. “Right. Coach has already given us words to take with us to our next games. Whether together or apart, we’re a team. We’ll always be a team. Blue runs in our blood. We’re champions because we’re each other’s brothers. And I am honored to have been your captain this season. The magazines and pundits can talk all they like about my individual playing stats, but I couldn’t have done it without you all. And it’s my honor to be able to pass on the responsibility of keeping us together to your next captain.”