by Len Webster
AJ felt Landon’s grip tighten on her thigh. She glanced over, wanting to watch the expression on his face as the news hit him.
Landon was focused on Zane.
“Boys, your new captain, a brother more than worthy of the responsibility, is …”
Landon stilled, and she smiled at the way his eyes went wide with anticipation. It seemed as if he were holding his breath.
“Landon Carmichael,” Zane announced.
He did it.
“Congratulations, Lan!” several of his teammates cheered.
His eyes found hers, and he finally released his tight grip of her leg. His hand moved away from her, and he glanced down. “Christ, Alex. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt you.”
She glanced down at the red marks from his hand. His anxiousness would surely leave a bruise, but she didn’t care. AJ gazed back at her boyfriend and cupped his face. She kissed him softly, then whispered, “Congratulations, Captain.”
Finally, his body relaxed as a large smile consumed his face. “Thank you for believing in me and being here tonight. Stay with me tonight?”
AJ nodded. “Of course.”
“Once this dinner is over and I thank everyone, we’ll leave,” he promised.
AJ watched proudly as Landon made his first speech as the captain of the Duke men’s basketball team and thanked each player and coaching staff member. He fit the role of captain perfectly. After two hours of him thanking his coach, the staff, and his teammates, they said goodbye and returned to his dorm room. Landon closed the door behind her as she took in his bed. His roommate, Walt, had given them the dorm room and would be spending the night with his date.
Landon set his keys down on his desk and grasped the knot of his tie, working to loosen it. AJ approached him, wanting to be closer to him. “I’ve never had a captain of a college basketball team as a boyfriend before,” she stated as she took over and unknotted the tie, slipped it off him, and let it fall to the ground.
His lips pressed against hers as she found the top button of his shirt. Landon’s kisses became deeper, needier, and she knew she felt the same. Her heart went wild as his palms found her hips. She had no control as she worked at removing his shirt.
She was desperate for him and wanted to tell him just how she felt. She wanted so much more with Landon. She was so in love with him.
“Alex,” Landon moaned into her neck as she pulled at his shirt, untucking it. The moment it was free, Landon pulled away and discarded it.
It was the space she needed for clarity. It happened so quickly. Just how lost she got with him was too fast. The hesitation in her heart consumed her. AJ knew the truth; there was a piece of her he couldn’t claim. Not until she was ready. And she wasn’t.
He must have sensed her doubt as he cupped her cheeks and whispered, “Are you okay?”
She bit her lip as she stared into his blue eyes. She was the girlfriend of the captain of the Duke Blue Devils. She wanted to make tonight even more special and memorable for him, but she couldn’t.
“I can’t, Landon,” she replied in a small, frightened voice.
She feared his rejection. That he’d see her as a tease and not want her anymore.
“Can’t?”
AJ shook her head. “I’m not ready. I care about you. I’m so proud of you, and I really want to make tonight even more memorable, but I can’t. I’m not ready for us to have sex.”
A smile she didn’t understand spread across his lips. It was soft and reassuring. His chest rose and fell heavily as he inhaled deep breaths before his thumb brushed her cheek. “Alex …”
“I’m sorry,” she blurted out. “I really want to. I want to be with you. But I’m just not ready to be intimate with you.”
Landon chuckled and shook his head. “Baby, you have nothing to be sorry about. If you’re not ready, it’s okay. I can wait. You know I can wait. I care about you, Alex. But I have to ask …”
Anxiety quickly claimed her system as her palms began to get clammy. “Okay?”
“Are you a virgin?”
Virgin …
AJ pulled away from Landon as disappointment flared in her chest. It was a question she knew would be asked eventually. She shook her head, hoping he wouldn’t be upset that she wasn’t. “I’m not. It was only with one guy. He was from my high school. I was … It was …”
A one-night stand.
She couldn’t say she and Evan were that, but it felt like it. They had hours together. Intimate hours before it ended. So, in theory, it wasn’t a lie. They were a one-night stand. But her heart couldn’t say it.
Her boyfriend nodded. The glimmer of sadness in his eyes wasn’t hard to miss. “It was a bad experience for you?”
“Yes,” AJ said honestly.
Bad because it hurt her completely. Sex had ruined the friendship they once had.
She pressed her lips into a fine line. “That’s not a problem for you, is it? That I’m not a virgin?”
Landon shook his head and closed the distance. “I promise that when you’re ready, every time we’re together will never be a bad experience. I’ll make sure you’re safe and comfortable. That when we’re together, it replaces all the bad memories of your first time.”
“Promise?” she asked, hope fluttering in her chest.
“Promise,” Landon said as he slowly got on his knees. His palms gently cupped the back of her thighs as he leaned forward and pressed his lips softly on the welts on her leg from his nervous grasp at dinner.
A soft moan escaped her as he adored her skin. He adored it like no other.
Honestly.
Truthfully.
And most importantly …
Lovingly.
“Landon,” she said breathlessly.
He glanced up at her through his lashes. “When you’re ready.” Then he kissed her thigh once more and whispered, “I’m sorry,” against her skin.
AJ bent her knees, grasped his arms, and pulled him back to stand. She wrapped her arms around him and searched his eyes for a change in his affections toward her.
She knew why she really wasn’t ready to be with Landon. It was because that piece he couldn’t have, Evan Gilmore still held. AJ still lived in her heart. And she had to give up that piece for the adoration in her boyfriend’s eyes.
“Can I still stay tonight?”
A smile graced his face and gleamed his eyes. “That isn’t even a question, Alex.”
And then his lips found hers, coercing her heart to beat his name.
Out of all the things AJ thought she’d never do, this was at the top of her list.
It was Friday afternoon, and she was standing outside of the very college she turned her back on during her senior year of high school. It had been four days since the Duke basketball dinner, and soon, her freshman year of college would come to an end.
A lot had happened.
Changes had occurred.
She had lost a best friend.
Given up an I love you that she sometimes regretted.
She’d lost her virginity in a beautiful part of the world.
She had her heart broken by someone she spent her entire life loving.
Then she found trust and hope with someone else.
She’d fallen in love with a guy who deserved her whole heart.
And that was why she found herself standing outside Stanford University.
Alexandra Parker was ready for goodbye.
To leave AJ behind her.
She was ready to love Landon Carmichael and have the future he whispered in her ear the morning after he’d become captain. He had held her tight that night, and she fell asleep to the sound of his breaths and the feel of his heartbeat against her palm.
It was perfect.
And she knew when the time came to being intimate
with him, it would be glorious. But in order for that to happen, she had to let Evan Gilmore go.
For so long, she had thought Stanford was where her life intended her to be. It wasn’t. Had she gone to Stanford with Evan, her dreams might never become a reality. She had risked everything, and he now meant nothing in her life.
A pang erupted in her chest.
Parts of her still loved him, and she knew that it was possible that she might love him in some way for the rest of her life.
AJ decided that as long as Evan was happy, she could move on.
She never heard from him—not that she had expected to.
When she called Kyle to find out where he lived, he was reluctant to get involved. Kyle had been dating his girlfriend, Angie Fisher, since New Year’s. AJ had yet to meet her, but she assumed that Angie was good for Kyle. Those she kept in contact with at Fenway said that Angie was a positive influence on the Red Sox captain.
The beeping of her phone had AJ setting her small suitcase on the ground. She pulled it out of her purse to see a message from her best friend. Sav knew she had come to California to say goodbye.
To finally leave the past behind her.
Where it remained.
And after it was over, she would leave Stanford to see her cousin Will at Berkley before she returned to North Carolina and finally be with the man she loved. AJ unlocked her phone and read Savannah’s message.
Sav: You’re doing the right thing, Alex.
Taking a deep breath, AJ exited her roommate’s message and pulled up Kyle’s. It had detailed instructions on how to get to Evan’s dorm room once she made it to Stanford. She picked up her suitcase and followed the instructions. As she walked by students and buildings, a sense of sadness consumed her. The last time she had been at Stanford had been with Evan on a tour. He had been so excited, planning their future at different locations on campus. That dream had died when she ripped up her acceptance letter and chose Duke.
After almost fifteen minutes of walking, she finally made it to Evan’s dorm room. She stared at the sticker of a computer and a symbol she hadn’t seen before. It was the only identifier on the door that Kyle had given her.
With her free hand, AJ knocked on the door and waited. It had been almost six months since she last saw Evan. Since he broke her heart and brought his new girlfriend home.
AJ had spent last night lying in her bed, thinking of how today would go. Each time she thought of being hateful, her anger dwindled into sadness. That was all she felt. It was all she would allow herself to feel.
Suddenly, the door opened, and she flinched in surprise.
“Ah, hello?”
AJ straightened her spine and cleared her throat. “You must be Milos. Hi, I’m Alexandra Parker.”
“I know who you are,” he said. His tone bitter toward her.
She nodded. “Is … Is—”
“Evan’s not here.” His smile was small, almost strained. “But come in.”
“Thank you,” AJ said before she stepped inside the dorm room.
When the door closed behind her, she took in the dorm room. Milos’s side had formulas on a board, circuit breakers and motherboards on his desk. His computer screen flashed with an equation that appeared to calculate the trajectory of his experiment. It piqued her interest, but she hadn’t flown all this way for Milos.
AJ turned and took in Evan’s side. His side was plain. He hadn’t decorated. Nothing that symbolized home was in his belongings. AJ found herself walking toward his desk and found that the picture he promised was on it back in Brookline was gone. It shouldn’t surprise her since he had a girlfriend.
His picture with AJ had no purpose in his life anymore, but it didn’t stop the pain that latched on her chest. She forgot how much she hurt over Evan. How much it winded her. But she was happy now, and she refused to turn her back on Landon.
“Evan won’t be too long,” Milos said.
AJ glanced over her shoulder and smiled her appreciation to Milos. “It’s okay. I don’t plan on staying.”
“It used to be there,” he stated. “You should check the top drawer.”
She set her suitcase and purse down and pulled out the drawer like Milos had suggested.
There, facing her, was the picture of her and Evan. He had his arms around her, and they were smiling at the camera. He’d put the memory away, just as she had with the picture of them at Fenway.
Memories threatened to break her resolve, but she would not let her fortress heart tumble. She had come to say goodbye, but that didn’t mean she couldn’t grieve the past they once shared.
Spinning around, she faced Evan’s roommate who seemed uncomfortable in her presence. She only had one question for him. “Is he happy?”
Milos flinched as if he were taken aback by her question. He glanced down at the frame in her hand and then back at her. “He’s happy.”
He’s happy.
That was all AJ had ever wanted for him. Peace settled in her chest, but that peace was tainted. Unwarranted jealousy filtered through as tears prickled. She wanted to make him happy. But it was someone else who did.
She held her tears back with a nod. She had always known deep down that Evan was happy. He had to have been. It had been almost six months since Christmas. If he truly loved her, he would have come back to Duke.
But he hadn’t.
His love for Molly was true. And AJ had moved on with Landon. She loved her boyfriend in ways she had never loved Evan. It was what was best for them. And she knew she couldn’t be with Landon if she held onto Evan. If she allowed AJ to control her heart.
“Do you have a pen and a piece of paper I could please use?” she asked.
As he walked over to his desk, AJ set the frame back on Evan’s desk and bent down to open her suitcase. Then she pulled out a frame and box from inside. Milos was by her side as she stood straight. He set the pen and a piece of paper on Evan’s desk. She ignored all of Evan’s personal belongings, deciding she couldn’t know about his life at Stanford.
It wasn’t fair.
He was happy, and that was all that mattered.
When Milos walked away, AJ set her frame of them at Fenway Park next to Evan’s frame and opened the box. She reached inside and pulled out her silver necklace, staring at the way the light caught the silver atoms. Even after six months of being hidden away, it was beautiful. It was at that moment her heart broke. She knew this was for the best, but it didn’t mean she wanted to forget the good times she’d shared with Evan.
He had been her best friend for eighteen years. They had grown up together. And in a rare moment in their lives, he had loved her. But not enough for it to mean forever.
And with that thought, she set the necklace down and picked up the pen. She brought the paper closer, ready to write the results of unrequited.
To write her goodbye to him.
I loved you with my whole heart.
Love her with all of yours.
∅
She didn’t need to write who it was from.
Evan would know.
He’d know that symbol.
∅
It was the symbol for null. The symbol for what she had become in his life.
She had once been his oxygen.
When one inhaled oxygen, they exhaled carbon dioxide, and that was what AJ had become. She was null. The carbon dioxide that his body couldn’t retain. He found oxygen with someone else. Happiness and love she could no longer provide.
AJ set the pen down and tucked the paper slightly under the frame so that it wouldn’t blow away should a door or window open.
She did it.
She wrote her goodbye.
She read it once more before she bent down and picked up her purse and suitcase. Then she spun around and pressed her lips into a tight smile at Milos. She
had no idea what he thought of her or what Evan might have said about her. She knew that when he first arrived at Stanford, he was angry, and that might have caused some tension with Milos.
“I loved Evan, Milos. You must think I’m horrible for what I did to him. And it was. I thought I was giving him the best life possible by removing myself from it. All I’ve ever wanted was for Evan to be happy. And he has that now. I’m sorry if I made things awful for you, too. I realize he might not have been the nicest roommate because of my actions, and for that, I’m sorry. Thank you for letting me say goodbye to him. And thank you for being there for him when I couldn’t.”
His lips parted as he blinked at her.
She’d stunned him.
AJ took a deep breath, and said, “Take care of him for me,” before she made her way out of the dorm room where the boy she once called her best friend, her once soul mate, and her once true love lived.
Goodbye was bittersweet. But there was no second-guessing the results of unrequited. Happiness apart was a better outcome to the equation.
Once she left the dorm room and shut the door behind her, AJ pressed her hand against her chest, remembering the way his palm pressed against her and memorized her heartbeat.
He promised to love her with miles between them, but his promise had lasted hours. Her promise had lasted for so many months after. Until the moment she wrote goodbye.
She was now ready to leave Stanford.
In the morning, she’d be back at Duke, ready to commit her whole heart to the very man who adored her since the moment she met him.
As she walked away from Evan’s dorm room, she left AJ behind for good.
Forever.
And with each new breath she took, she allowed Alex to thrive for the life she deserved.
67 Ho