11
Jerrik
After Sharon left, I ignored all the other people around—a few of the other guests had come out to view the show—and made my way into my room. I’d made trouble for her. It was the last thing I wanted to do, but I couldn’t help myself. The alcohol didn’t help, but at least I was on my last bottle now. Though I didn’t know if that was a good or bad thing. I didn’t know if I could get more.
But I didn’t feel like getting more to drink. I threw myself onto the bed and just lay there with my eyes closed, though I had no chance of falling back to sleep. I was exhausted, but it was more emotional than physical or mental.
I didn’t know how long I was left on my own before there was a knock on my door.
For a moment, I considered ignoring it. I could guess who was on the other side of that door, but I didn’t want to check only to realize I was wrong again, after I’d waited for her to come. Only, what if it was her and by refusing to answer the door, she never comes back?
I had to wonder why this girl meant so much to me, that the idea of her absence made me feel a little depressed. Not that it mattered much—I went into my comfort zone, which was being intoxicated and not giving a fuck about anything.
With a sigh, I got up off the bed and moved to the door, hesitating a moment before I opened it. Sharon was there, and I breathed a silent sigh of relief.
“So you came back,” I said lightly, stepping back and waiting for her to get inside.
She hesitated a little herself, but she did step inside, and I smiled a little.
“I see you’re in a better mood,” she retorted.
I lost the smile and removed my gaze from hers. “Yeah. Sorry about that. They just kept insisting, and I kept insisting, and I just started yelling because I was so done,” I muttered. I turned my back to her and went to sit on my bed. She sighed behind me, and I felt a little guilty. “I hope you didn’t get into too much trouble with your boss.”
There was a strange expression on her face, and I frowned, but then it was gone and I wondered if I’d just imagined it.
“Don’t worry about it,” she said dismissively. “I can look out for myself just fine. But I’d like to know what your problem is. And don’t just say it’s because of me,” she added quickly when I opened my mouth. “Because you can't blame the fact that you have to be here on me. And I heard the rumors about your exploits just like everybody else. I also know it’s a more recent thing, you weren’t like that when you first came here.”
I pursed my lips as I regarded her. It was true, her not being there wasn’t the only reason I was out of sorts. When I noticed the date yesterday, I’d berated myself for ever forgetting. I didn’t deserve to just forget it all, like it never happened.
Mom deserved so much more than that. More than either Dad or I had ever given her.
“Sorry about what… happened before,” I said in apology, sounding awkward, but at least I got the words out. “But yeah, you’re right. I have issues.”
I smiled, and I thought it was bitter. She wrinkled her nose at me before moving to sit beside me on the bed, putting some space between us. I would have liked to close it, but I knew she wouldn’t like it if I did, so I stayed put.
“Look, Jerrik,” she started slowly, and I felt my heart clench. “I can see that you’re hurting. You don’t have anyone, so I want to at least be there for you, and I don’t mean more sex. You came here for a reason, didn’t you?”
Yeah. I might not have wanted to admit it, but I was growing a little out of control with the shit I did. Still, if Sharon hadn't been here, someone I knew that could make me face up to what my problem was, I could have told both the label and Tom that it would have been useless.
“It’s because… it’s today.”
Her brow furrowed slightly in confusion as she tilted her head a little to the side. “What day?”
I took in a deep breath. My hands felt a little sweaty, so I wiped them down my pants. “It’s just, um… remember when I mentioned my mom’s death’s anniversary?” I waited, and she nodded slowly. “Well, it’s today. The day my mom hanged herself.”
Sharon gasped, but my eyes had already dropped from her face, because I didn’t want to see her reaction.
I’d never told anyone; I never intended to tell anyone except maybe a therapist the day I was forced—either by my work or by my own destructive behavior—to see one.
How would she react if she knew the whole thing?
I scoffed just thinking about it. But maybe, I might be able to tell her.
There was a reason no one, not even Tom, knew. I didn’t consider any of the people that hung around me friends, because I knew what would happen if they had an inkling of what my past was like. It would be plastered all over the media, and I could live without that. It was already stuck in my head; I didn’t need reminders from other people.
“Oh, Jerrik,” Sharon whispered, her voice wet. I could have told her crying was pointless, but I felt a lump in my own throat. “I had no idea… I know this won’t even help, but I am so sorry. I heard about it, but I just thought it was an accident.”
“It wasn’t,” I said, clearing my throat. “I just asked that the police not tell people exactly what happened. It was no one’s business.”
And really, no one had ever bothered before. Had I been there with my mom instead of out in the city turning myself into a famous singer, I might have been able to prevent it all.
My past wasn’t exactly the best, what with my abusive dad and my mom who just stood by and watched because she was too afraid of having his wrath forced upon her instead. So she sacrificed her own child.
That was hypocritical of me though. Just because I was her kid, didn’t mean she had to put herself in the line of fire for me. If it had been her instead of me, I might have been relieved that Dad just left me alone. So I couldn’t fault her for not wanting to get hurt, but that didn’t stop me from hating her for it.
The second I could get out of there, I did, and I never looked back. I worked my ass off, got signed and became famous. Of course, my past wouldn’t just remain in the past. Somehow, my mom got a hold of me, and she started to ask me for money. Really, I was surprised my dad didn’t try it first, but I didn’t ask why.
I refused. And, not long after, my mom killed herself.
“Do you know why…?” Sharon asked softly.
I snorted, finding it a little funny how her thoughts were somewhat aligned with mine.
“Oh, I know why,” I muttered.
Not that I could tell her. That I practically killed my own mother. She never did anything for me, but that didn’t change who she was to me, and I ignored her, only to receive a call from the local police that she was found dead, and my number was the last she called before it happened.
After the shock, guilt had set in. It was so heavy, too, that I spent a whole week holed up in my high rise apartment, just crying my eyes out and trying to function normally. The guilt only grew heavier, and eventually, I realized I needed release of the worst kind. Searching for that relief was what sent me off the rails.
“Would you mind telling me about it?” Sharon asked tentatively.
I sighed, and leaned back on my arms, stretching out my legs. I refused to look over at her. She probably felt awkward with the silence between us, but I didn’t feel like filling it with chatter. But…
I really wanted to tell someone, so at least one person knew about it. So it wasn’t just me with this big secret eating me up inside. Yeah, there were other people that knew, but they weren’t people I could talk to, and in spite of what had gone down between us the past few days, I did trust Sharon a lot.
Not the whole story, maybe, but enough to explain things to her.
“So, I don’t know if anyone in town ever realized that my dad wasn’t exactly the nicest guy around,” I started slowly.
“Uh, I think they did,” Sharon said in attempted humor, releasing a strained laugh. “He wasn’t
really liked by a lot of people, actually.”
“Yeah, well, add me and my mother to that list. Though I think I deserve to take the top spot as the person that hates him the most after all the shit he gave me growing up.”
“I’m going to guess it was bad,” Sharon muttered.
“It was so much more than just bad, Sharon. If I could kill someone, it would probably be him. And the thing is, my mom never did anything about it. So really, I hated them both.”
Again, I could tell she was hesitating, carefully considering what she wanted to say, if she wanted to say anything at all. I didn’t have to look to know because, in the short time since we’d reconnected, I knew she was the kind of person that thought through her words.
“What happened when you left town? Everyone was so surprised when it happened…”
“It wasn’t exactly planned. I’d saved up some money and one day I just decided, what the hell. I got up and out of there so fast. About a year later, I had fame. Then my mom contacted me, asking for money.”
“You refused, didn’t you?” she intuited. “That’s why she did it.”
I nodded slowly. I always knew Sharon was smart.
“Jerrik, you have to know it’s not your fault, don’t you? You weren’t responsible for your mother’s actions.”
I huffed out a little laugh. “Are you reading my mind or something?” I muttered. “And yeah, it’s not like I don’t know. I stopped thinking of either of them as my parents a while ago. Getting the calls, though… first from her, then the cops, what else was I supposed to think? I just felt so guilty. I tried to tell myself, and still do, that it’s not my fault. But the guilt just… it doesn’t go away, Sharon.”
I turned to meet her eyes and smiled sadly.
“For the rest of my life, I’m going to be thinking that I killed my own mother. And nothing can take that feeling away from me.”
I told her the truth. They say that talking about feelings should make it feel better. Getting it off your chest. That’s what Tom said to me. Even a few friends that asked, but they never wanted to know the real reason that I felt so fucking cold inside.
They all lied.
Voicing it didn’t make it better. It just made it worse!
12
Sharon
Holy hell.
I’d tried to stay away from him, but as I walked back to my room, Henry’s words on my mind, the image of Jerrik, tired, angry, and somehow hurt, plagued me. Beneath all of that rough, angry glaring had been a little boy with a broken heart, though I doubt anyone else but me had seen it. Then I’d found myself at his door, knocking, instead of doing exactly what Henry had ordered me to do. Jerrik needed a friend; I knew I was all he had at that point.
I’d known Jerrik had problems, but I never thought they’d be quite as bad as what he’d just laid out for me. I wasn’t one for gossip, even though back in our town there wasn’t anything else more interesting. Still, I didn’t like to pry so it wasn’t like I knew all that much about his family, but…
Dammit!
“This is it, isn’t it?” I murmured in realization. “Why you’ve been acting the way you have recently. I heard all the rumors, even tried to follow a few. It didn’t seem like you at all.”
Only, like a lot of people probably, I figured it was the fame getting to him, even if it was a little late. And to think he had this on his mind… with the way I’d treated him…
I felt the need to apologize again. I felt like I needed to get on my knees and beg for forgiveness, because I had done him wrong when he was already dealing with his own shit. My shit was nothing in comparison to this.
Without truly thinking about it, I leaned forward to cover the space between us and pulled him into a hug because I had a feeling he needed it, from someone that was legitimately trying to offer him comfort. I doubted there had been anyone there to offer him even that, or he might not have ended up as badly as he did.
My arms wound around his shoulders, and I tugged him lightly to bring his head to rest on my chest as I held onto him tightly. I was tempted to cry, my eyes stinging with tears, but I didn’t know how he would take it, so I was holding myself back.
“I am really sorry for what you’ve had to go through, Jerrik,” I murmured, because I couldn’t help myself, pressing a kiss to the top of his head. “And even sorrier that you don’t have anyone to help you through this.”
He was stiff in my arms, like he didn’t know how to receive and accept affection, and I had a feeling he didn’t. But after a few moments, he did relax into me, his arms circling around my waist and tugging me closer, and I went with it. I ended up on his lap, straddling his thighs, with his arms holding onto me tightly, his face buried in my breasts as I hugged him tighter.
After a few long moments, when he didn’t say anything, I brushed my fingers through his hair before getting a light grip to tilt his head backward.
“Is there anything you’d like?” I offered. “Anything at all… that I can get you.”
He was surprised for a moment, but then he smiled, leaning towards my chest so he could press a warm, wet kiss above my breasts. I felt my breath hitch and my body shiver at the intimate attention.
“There’s a lot that I want from you, Sharon,” he said huskily, glancing up at me. “But we can start right here.”
The hand I had in his hair clenched tightly. I probably tugged on his hair a little, though he didn’t complain.
But I hesitated.
“Jerrik, are you really sure you want sex now of all times? It might not be the best idea…”
“Actually, the opposite is true,” he countered, his hands moving to my hips to pull me snuggly against his. My eyes went wide as I felt him hard and ready for me. “I need this, Sharon, please. I’m not trying to use you, I really do want you, but what I need most is a distraction, and I have you right in front of me. Please don’t push me away.”
It was the pleading that made me cave. I wondered, in the past five years while he made his fame and fortune, just how many times he’d had to say please and genuinely mean it. Even if there hadn't been any underlying meaning, I was pretty sure all he’d have to do was tell me he needed me, and I would do as he wanted.
“Tell me what to do for you then,” I murmured.
I ran my hand through his hair, smoothing it back a few times.
“Strip for me.”
It sounded more like a command than a request, but my body shivered, and I was more than ready to do as he wanted.
I slid off his lap, his arms dropping from around me so I could. I didn’t go far, and he spread his legs for me to stand in between them. Slowly, I kicked off my shoes, and sighed as he clicked a button on his phone and a song came on. I waited until I’d lost myself in the slow, driving bass, then pulled my top off, twisting it around my waist before I grinned and pulled it away.
He waggled his eyebrows but stopped when he saw my bra, black lace and barely there. His attention was all mine then and I swayed with the music as I pushed my pants down only to kick them away. I paused when I stood in front of him in nothing but my underwear. I knew it was the right call when he raised his hands to my hips.
“Behave.” I said in just the right tone to make him adopt that guilty schoolbook look.
I turned in front of him, letting him run a finger down my spine. When he reached my panties I bent in front of him. He filled his hands with my ass and I shied away once more, wagging a finger at him.
“Be good, Jerrik, or I stop.” I was only teasing but he sat back and tried to look contrite. I continued to dance, pulling one foot up to place it beside his hip and pulled his head forward to let him kiss my thigh. I pushed him back when he moved to go higher.
Sinking and twisting I pushed my panties down, letting them dangle from my toe before those flew away too. I moved close, letting my breasts press down his face before I moved away, my hand behind my back to undo my bra. I let it slide away slowly as the song neared the final chords, t
hen stood before him proudly naked.
“You’re so beautiful like this, Sharon,” he whispered.
“Flatterer,” I retorted, though I was pleased.
His hands returned to my hips and slid slowly up my waist, then circled around to my stomach and slid higher to cup my breasts. He squeezed them gently, and I covered his hands with mine, pressing them harder, squeezing a little tighter, enough to make me moan. I moved our hands in a circular rhythm so my nipples brushed against his palm, hardening as pleasurable sparks lit up in my body.
”How do you want to do this?” I murmured. “Fast or slow?”
Jerrik hummed, his eyes on my chest. “Either way is fine with me.”
“Then… how about slow, since we didn’t get time for that before?”
His eyes rose up to meet mine, an eyebrow arched. “Maybe not too slow, though,” he teased, moving one arm from my breast to tug me closer by the waist.
With me standing and him seated, we were at the perfect height for him to bury his face in my chest, and he proceeded to do so. I brushed my hands through his hair. Maybe I was making another mistake. But, I wanted to, and really, I thought we both needed the distraction.
Besides, now that I had decided to go down this road, I might as well do as I pleased. If the boss found out I’d disobeyed orders, I’d be in trouble, but just right then, I didn’t care.
Jerrik took one of my breasts in his hand and pulled it to his mouth. A quick swipe had me sucking air as pleasure bolted straight down between my thighs. Immediately, he circled it with his mouth, and I moaned as I arched into it. He rolled my nipple with his tongue, then tugged lightly on it with his lips. His other hand cupped my other breast, pushing both until they were under my breasts, pushing them up and out. With a last kiss on my nipple, he placed his hands on my waist and pulled back to look at me.
It was probably for the best that he’d said we wouldn’t be moving too slow. He hadn't done much, and already I felt ready to burst. I had a feeling, if he took his time, he could drive me crazy while having fun the entire time.
Rockstar Retreat Page 7