The Deepest Cut

by Natalie Flynn

  ‘Nothing, I was just being honest.’

  ‘I try and do a nice thing for you, man,’ Nathan shook his head at Jake.

  ‘What?’ Jake twisted his face up.

  ‘Setting you up with Lucy,’ he said, like Jake was an idiot.

  ‘I don’t wanna go out with her, she’s not my type,’ Jake said.

  ‘Whatever, man, can’t believe how rude you were, though. And, man, you should not go shouting your mouth off about Danny, you know,’ Nathan shook his head and walked after Sarah and Lucy.

  ‘Ditching us again?’ Jake called after him.

  ‘Leave him,’ I said. ‘Let him go.’

  Polly skidded into the front room with a huge bowl of popcorn, and jumped onto the sofa next to me.

  ‘You want these shut?’ Debbie asked, holding on to one of the curtains.

  ‘Oh yes,’ Jake said. He wiggled down onto the sofa and tucked his Power Rangers duvet in tighter around him.

  ‘This is so exciting,’ Polly said. ‘I’ve never done anything like this before.’

  ‘You’ve not lived until you’ve joined in Jake and Adam’s Christmas Eve Movie Extravaganza, have you, Ads?’ Jake asked.

  ‘Not even a little bit.’

  I smiled at Polly. She snuggled in a bit closer. I grabbed a handful of popcorn.

  ‘Mum, hit the lights. And no snogging in the back row, you two,’ Jake said.

  Polly had been hanging out with us a lot the last few days, and I’d been worried Jake was feeling like a spare part. I’d asked him that morning when Debbie had invited Polly to join in the movie day. He smiled and patted me on the back. Then he told me that any girlfriend of mine had to get used to our traditions, especially the Christmas Eve Movie Extravaganza.

  We were just getting to the good bit in Home Alone when there was loads of banging on the front door.

  ‘Did you hear that?’ Jake asked as he paused the TV.

  Debbie had gone off to do some last-minute Christmas shopping, so we were the only ones in.

  The banging happened again.

  ‘You go,’ Jake said to me from under his duvet.

  ‘Why me? I’m comfortable.’

  ‘God, you two are the laziest arseholes on the planet,’ Polly sighed. ‘I’ll go.’

  She walked down the hallway and opened the door. Nobody spoke, then the living-room door flew open and Nathan stood there with the widest eyes I’d ever seen on him.

  ‘Your cousin …’ He pointed at Polly as she moved him out of the way and came and sat back down next to me. ‘Your cousin is a mentalist.’ He was out of breath.

  ‘Tell me something I don’t already know,’ she sighed.

  ‘What’s happened?’ Jake looked up at him. ‘And also, hello. Surprised you remembered where I live.’

  ‘Don’t start,’ Nathan said, moving Jake’s duvet and sitting down.

  ‘Well, what’s he done then?’ Polly asked.

  ‘He got arrested.’

  ‘What for?’ I asked.

  ‘He had a brake light out, feds pulled him over, he had weed on him.’

  ‘Serves him right,’ Jake said.

  ‘Were you with him?’ I asked.

  ‘Yeah, I was with him and I shat my pants. I totally thought I was gonna go down with him. My mum and dad would have freaked out, man.’

  ‘So what you gonna do?’ Jake asked.

  ‘Stay away from him innit? I can’t risk it, man, if I get done for anything I can’t go uni, and you don’t even wanna know what my mum and dad will do if that happens.’ He sighed and leant back.

  ‘So that’s it, done?’ I asked.

  ‘Totally,’ he said.

  ‘What about Sarah?’ Jake asked.

  ‘I can carry on seeing her,’ Nathan said. ‘I’m just not hanging around with Danny anymore, that’s all.’

  I looked at Jake and he shrugged. Despite what Polly and Ed had said, I wasn’t expecting Nathan and Danny’s love affair to be over that quickly.

  ‘What we watching?’ Nathan asked, settling himself down.

  ‘Hang on a minute,’ Jake said. ‘Danny gets arrested, you shit your pants, decide it’s over between the two of you, and come running back to us? Have you forgotten how much of a dickhead you’ve been to us both?’

  Nathan stared at the wall. Then he jumped up. ‘Fine,’ he said and went to leave the room. ‘Thanks a fucking lot,’ he said.

  ‘There’s no need to get defensive,’ Jake said. ‘All you have to do is say you’re sorry.’

  Nathan put his head down. He mumbled something that resembled sorry, under his breath. ‘What we watching?’ He asked.

  ‘Home Alone,’ Jake said, still unimpressed, but un-pausing the TV.

  We sat together watching movies for the rest of the day. The banter between us slowly came back and the atmosphere lifted.

  Polly held my hand under the duvet, and it was all perfect. I wanted to suck up the happiness but I couldn’t.

  I still felt unsettled. Nathan wasn’t just going to switch back to who he was before Danny came along. And how could he hang out with Sarah without seeing Danny? Danny wasn’t the sort of person you just dump as a friend. There was no way he’d take that well. Even though Nathan was back, I couldn’t shake the feeling of dread.

  I was sure it wasn’t over.

  Eleven

  I still wanted to be out of the hospital. After I’d written myself exhausted, I’d spent almost all night pacing up and down my room. I wanted to scream out in frustration, in anger; anything to get this emotion off my chest and out of my body. It was trapped in there, and it was like it was eating me up from the inside out. I couldn’t deal with it, I couldn’t handle it. I wanted to gouge a big hole in my chest so it could all pour out, onto the floor and away from me.

  I knew writing it down would bring everything back.

  I’d been sick three times in the night. I’d had the nightmare again. My head felt like someone had taken a sledgehammer to it and my heart was beating so fast. Sometimes it would flutter really strongly and I would think I was about to die. It was just like before. Just like before I took all the pills.

  If I could just scream, or something …

  I needed to break into the cleaning cupboard and get the bleach, and go into the bathroom and lock myself in there somehow, so they couldn’t stop me. Then I’d be gone and with Jake. That was all I wanted, to be with him. I missed him so much.

  I stormed out of my room and down the corridor to the far end where the cleaning cupboard was. I kicked the door over and over again. I knew they were coming, the nurse from my room was shouting. I could hear them running towards me.

  A pair of strong arms went around my waist and lifted me up, but they didn’t count on the strength all that emotion was giving me and I broke free of their grip, spun around, and pushed them hard away from me.

  Then there were more of them. I kicked out but they had hold of me. They carried back to my room, held me down and gave me an injection.

  People were in my room. I could hear giggling. I opened my eyes slowly.

  It was Blake and Josie. They were standing in my doorway. The nurse, who was sitting on a plastic chair close to my bed, smiled at them as they walked in. She didn’t get up and go away though, she stayed right where she was, but pretended not to be interested in what they wanted.

  ‘He’s awake,’ Josie said.

  Blake’s face broke into a really big smile. ‘Adam,’ he sang, loudly.

  ‘Blake, use your inside voice, shhhh,’ Josie rolled her eyes at me.

  ‘We’ve come to cheer you up,’ Blake said in a shouty whisper. ‘I wrote you a poem. Wanna hear it?’

  I sat up on my elbows. I wondered what time it was and how long I’d been asleep. The window in my room was letting in a little bit of daylight, so I must have slept right through.

  Blake cleared his throat.

  ‘We know you’re sad and mad and–’

  ‘Not crazy mad, mad like angry mad,’ Josie s
aid.

  ‘Shut up and let me do the poem,’ Blake said. He cleared his throat again. ‘We know you’re sad and mad, and that makes us sad, and we’d be glad if it weren’t bad, and you got up and came to play Monopoly because Caitlin threw the board across the room and stole the doggy counter and ran off because she’s mad.’ He stopped. ‘Mad like crazy mad.’

  He looked at me, waiting for a response.

  I didn’t give him one.

  ‘I know it’s not much of an actual poem, but that did just happen,’ he said.

  ‘True story,’ Josie said.

  I wanted them to go away. I wanted to be left alone.

  ‘OK,’ Blake said, rubbing his forehead. ‘If you don’t want to play Monopoly, at least come and help me convince Damian to go out and get us some cakes.’

  ‘Damian’s not in today, doofus,’ Josie said, sitting on my bed.

  ‘Yeah, he is, I saw him this morning.’

  ‘No he’s not.’

  ‘Yeah he is.’

  ‘No, he really isn’t. It’s Anna today.’

  ‘Who’s Anna?’ Blake asked. He was fidgeting from foot to foot and he looked like he was going to cry.

  ‘The old nurse,’ Josie turned to me. ‘She’s the dragon one.’

  ‘No, it’s Damian,’ Blake said. ‘I’m gonna go and find him, and get him to come in, then you’ll be wrong, and you’ll have to say sorry.’ He left the room.

  ‘You OK?’ Josie asked me.

  I shook my head.

  ‘You missed breakfast and group therapy,’ she said. ‘David said he was letting you sleep as they said you’d been up all night after the thing with the cupboard last night.’

  I didn’t want her in my room. I wanted to be left alone but I knew she wasn’t going anywhere, so I got up and walked out and away from her. My brain didn’t want to think, or listen to anyone, or do anything at all. Staring at a wall or just sleeping were all I was capable of. I didn’t want to see or speak to anyone.

  I went to the rec room. There were people in there. Caitlin was shouting and Blake was running around, panicked, looking for Damian.

  ‘Come outside for a fag when we go down,’ Josie said, appearing behind me.

  I could feel the panic. The noises on the ward were ten times louder in my head than they should have been, amplified, but also muffled like I was under water.

  ‘Are you OK, Adam?’ Someone said. I don’t know who.

  Everything went blurry, like my eyes wouldn’t work, and my heart was racing, sweat was pouring down my forehead.

  ‘Blake, he’s not in,’ someone said and Blake started crying.

  ‘Blake, shut up,’ that was Caitlin, I think.

  I felt sick. Then I heard Jake’s voice. I heard it. In among all the noises on the ward, in among all the shouting, crying, and laughing that was so loud, I heard him. I’d know it anywhere.

  ‘Adam’. That was all he said. Just my name. Like he was shouting it from a distance, calling me over.

  I sat on a chair. There was a hand on my back but I don’t know whose it was. I was shaking. The nausea was getting worse. I tried to breathe it away but it didn’t work. I was sick on the floor, and Caitlin screamed, and people moved quickly then David was there. He held me up as he walked me back to my room, only stopping when I heaved again.

  I couldn’t see straight. I couldn’t think straight. I didn’t know what was happening to me, or how to make it stop.

  David sat me on my bed, grabbed the chair, and sat opposite me. He was telling me to breathe, just to breathe slowly, but I couldn’t.

  ‘I need a screen up, now,’ he said to the nurse who’d followed us in. ‘And Caitlin, Josie, Blake, please leave us alone now.’

  I looked up and all three of them were standing in the corridor looking in, really worried. I caught Josie’s eye and she was about to cry, I could tell.

  ‘Now,’ David said – and they went.

  Then he turned back to me and was telling me to breathe slowly again, and showing me how he wanted me to do it.

  ‘It’s OK,’ he said, when I’d caught my breath.

  The nurse handed me a cup of water and told me to sip slowly. David told her to leave the room, but to stay just outside in case he needed her. Then he made me lie down on my bed, but propped up by the pillows. We sat there for a while; until he was sure I’d calmed down.

  I wanted to tell him that I’d heard Jake; I wanted to ask him what was wrong with me, and how to make it stop, but I couldn’t. I felt weak and woozy; I was sort of drifting in and out of sleep while he sat and read through what I’d written down in my pad.

  ‘Are you feeling like this because the next thing that you’ve got to write about is the day it happened?’ He said in a really soft voice.

  I turned away from him because I didn’t want to answer, and I was still feeling angry, because I was stuck in there with no way out.

  ‘Are you hungry?’ he asked. ‘Do you want some toast to settle your stomach?’

  I shook my head.

  ‘Adam, can you turn and look at me a moment?’

  I moved my whole body round to face him.

  ‘What if I was to tell you that I already know what happened that night and what you did?’

  My whole body tensed up.

  ‘It’s OK,’ he said. ‘What if I was to point out to you that Josie tells me she knows, yet all I see is her desperately wanting you to be her friend?’

  I started shaking.

  ‘And what if I also point out that Polly knows, too? And she thinks the world of you Adam, she really does.’

  I closed my eyes against him, against the world. What he’d said about Josie and Polly might have been true; but not only did I question their motives, it was also completely overridden by the fact that Debbie didn’t want to know me. Not only that, it was one thing them being able to forgive me, but I knew I’d never be able to forgive myself.

  David was looking at me with a strange expression, maybe pity, sympathy, or concern, or maybe all three rolled into one.

  ‘But the important thing is that I know, but I need to hear your interpretation of it. Only then can I help you get better, Adam.’ He sat forward and put his hand on my shoulder. ‘I can make all of this stop – the nightmares, the panic, the trauma – but I need you to tell me what happened first.’

  I wanted to speak then. It was like I wanted to pour it all out of my mouth quickly and furiously. It was like it had been sitting in my guts, festering, going mouldy and rancid, and at that moment, I wanted it out.

  I tried to speak.

  David sat up straight. ‘Can you?’ He asked.

  It wouldn’t come out and I shook my head.

  ‘Do you trust me when I say I’m not going to let anything bad happen to you while you’re here? You don’t need to be afraid,’ he said.

  I thought back to how he’d been with me since I got here. If what he said was true, then maybe he didn’t think I was scum of the earth for what I did. Or maybe he did and it was just his job to make me better. Maybe I was just another statistic. If he got me well and out again, maybe he’d get a bonus.

  ‘Have I let you down so far?’ He asked. It scared me that he always seemed to know what I was thinking.

  It had come back to the fact that I didn’t have a lot of choice, and I guessed I could get as angry about that as I liked, or I could put my trust in this man in front of me, and get on with what he’d asked me to do. One was going to get me out of there. The other was a hopeless cause.

  He handed me my pad and pen. ‘I’m going to stay right here while you do it. I’m not going anywhere. What I want you to do, if at any moment you don’t feel safe, is to hand me back the pad and we’ll stop, OK?’

  I nodded. Then I started writing.

  I woke up in my own bed for once. Polly wasn’t with me. I’d asked her to go home, because I was so nervous about the fact we’d probably end up having sex if she stayed. I know it might sound ridiculous, but I didn’t feel li
ke I was ready to. Not yet. She’d said she was OK about it but it was still playing on my mind. Now she’d gone away for New Year’s and it was going to torture me until she got back, I knew it.

  ‘What’s the matter with you, grumpy shit?’ My dad asked when I walked into the kitchen and put the kettle on.

  I ignored him. I didn’t want to talk to him.

  ‘What happened to that girl that was here last night then?’ He asked, getting a Sterling out of his packet and lighting it. The ashtray next to him was overflowing already. I wondered how long he’d been up, and why he was even here, and not down the bookies or the pub.

  ‘She went home,’ I said.

  ‘Did you fuck her?’

  ‘Dad … Jesus.’

  ‘I’ll have a coffee if you’re making one.’

  I got another mug out of the cupboard.

  ‘So, what you up to tonight, then? You got a party to go to or anything?’

  I turned around and leant on the counter while I waited for the kettle to boil. ‘Yeah, there’s a party down The Shed, under eighteens.’

  He laughed. ‘You going with Jake and Nath?’

  ‘Yep,’ I said. The kettle clicked and I turned round to make the drinks.

  ‘He’s not hanging around with that Danny anymore, then?’

  ‘How do you know about that?’ I asked, as I got the milk out of the almost empty fridge.

  ‘Debbie rang me up and told me about it, said to keep an eye on things as she don’t like the sound of him, said he’d got arrested or something?’

  ‘Yeah, he had weed on him.’

  ‘Are you doing drugs?’ He stubbed his fag out in the overflowing ashtray and opened his paper.

  ‘No,’ I said, putting his coffee down next to him.

  ‘Good,’ he said, without looking up. ‘Cor, she’s got nice tits.’ He said pointing at the naked woman on page three.

  ‘Dad, please,’ I said. I went to walk out the kitchen with my cup of tea.

  ‘Ads, hang up,’ he said. He stood up and reached into his back pocket and pulled out a fiver. ‘Get some chips or something, cupboards are bare again.’

  I took it off him. ‘Thanks,’ I said.

  ‘Jackie and I are in tonight,’ he said as I walked out of the room. That explained the fiver. Bribery. Stay out the way. Don’t come home.