The Deepest Cut

by Natalie Flynn

  ‘I’d go back if I could,’ I said desperately. ‘I’d go back, and I’d stay with him, and I’d talk to him about anything I could to distract him,’ I said. I walked away from the sofa. It was too much to take in.

  ‘You OK?’ David asked. Damian handed me a cup of water but I pushed it away.

  I shook my head. I tried to push the image of Jake collapsed on the bench, our bench, the place we’d shared so many happy times. I wished so hard I could go back there, to that day. If there was nothing I could have done to stop it happening, at least I would have been with him when he took his last breath.

  ‘Why did I have to be so weak?’ I said. ‘Why did I have to run off with Nathan? Why couldn’t I have stayed? Why?’ I cried, but I knew that nobody had the answer to that question, not even me.

  ‘You know what I ask myself?’ Debbie looked up at me. ‘I ask myself why I didn’t stop you two going to that bloody party. I knew how anxious you were about it. I knew that as we ate dinner because you were both so quiet. Every day I sit and ask myself why I didn’t stop you. Why I didn’t suggest that we rent a movie, and why I didn’t lure you into staying with all your favourite sweets and massive hot chocolates with whipped cream and marshmallows.’

  ‘But it’s not your fault,’ I said.

  ‘I was his mother, Adam,’ she said with so much force. ‘I was meant to protect him. I should have done more. I should have listened to you when you sat and told me how worried you were about Nathan changing. I should have known there was something wrong and I should have helped you both, talked to you so you knew how to handle it, but I didn’t. I brushed it off. I didn’t think anything like this would happen.’

  ‘Neither did I,’ I said.

  ‘And that’s the problem, isn’t it?’ She said. ‘We never think something like this will happen to us, not to us.’

  Debbie sat back down, defeated, and David guided me to sit next to her. She took my hand.

  ‘It’s all well and good us both sitting here, saying that we would have done this or that to stop it and we can blame ourselves for it all day long, but it’s not going to change anything, is it?’

  I shook my head.

  ‘Do you think Jake would blame you, really? Because if you do, you don’t know him as well as you think you did,’ she said. ‘He worshipped the ground you walked on, Adam.’

  I screwed up my face to try and stop the tears escaping, but I couldn’t stop them.

  ‘You have a choice, Adam,’ she said. ‘You can sink or you can swim. You can get up, every morning, even though you don’t want to, and you can carry on. You can do it for Jake, because that’s what he would have wanted, or you can give up. You can go home and take all those tablets and you can give up on life.’ She was cross with me now.

  I sat back, put my hands over my face, and cried.

  ‘You want to get out of here and take all those tablets? Well, that’s your choice, but I think it’s selfish. Jake’s life was taken away from him. He didn’t have a choice in the matter.’

  She pulled my hands away and turned my head to face her, so I couldn’t avoid her eyes. ‘You do have a choice Adam, so what are you going to do? What are you going to decide?’

  I collapsed into her shoulder and cried more. She pulled me closer and held me tight. ‘There’s no way he’d have wanted you to give up, Adam,’ she whispered in my ear.

  I knew she was right and even though the pain flooding out of me was overwhelming, I knew I had to find some fight from somewhere. I had to carry on.

  Fourteen

  I was lost without my pad and with nothing else to write. I asked the nurse what she was doing. She smiled and handed me her puzzle book and pen. When I saw it was Sudoku, I handed it back.

  ‘I’m bored, not desperate,’ I said, and she laughed.

  ‘You know how good it is to hear that beautiful voice of yours.’

  Right on cue, Josie appeared in the doorway with a huge smile on her face. She was hopping from one foot to the other. She looked like she was going to explode with excitement.

  ‘Damian said we can go outside for a bit, he’s going to take us for some fresh air,’ she said. ‘Get your shoes on.’

  ‘OK,’ I said, and she squealed.

  The afternoon was warm and sunny.

  ‘Spring has sprung, my chickens,’ Damian said, holding his face up to the air and breathing in deeply through his nose. ‘Smell that?’ He asked.

  ‘Yeah, it’s pollen.’ Josie winked at me.

  ‘Such a pessimist,’ Damian groaned at her. ‘What am I going to do with you?’ He asked.

  ‘I’ve got hayfever,’ she said. ‘You can’t hold that against me.’

  ‘Fair enough,’ he said, and got his newspaper out.

  We sat down on a bench opposite his and Josie got her tobacco out. I watched her roll a cigarette and waited for her to roll me one, but she didn’t.

  ‘He knows you don’t smoke,’ she said.

  Damian rolled his eyes.

  ‘What was it like when you went all wacko?’ She asked. ‘You were screaming your lungs out; we heard it in the rec room. I was really worried.’

  ‘It was strange, I felt like I was on a different planet. Like I was there but I wasn’t, it’s hard to explain.’

  ‘How are you feeling now, though?’

  ‘Better, I think. I mean I got it all out, the stuff I was burying down and trying to hide from.’

  ‘David’s good,’ she said.

  ‘David’s a genius,’ Damian added.

  ‘I still feel guilty, though,’ I said.

  ‘You will, but I don’t think you should,’ Josie said. ‘I mean, had anyone ever sat you down and told you what to do if something like that happened?’ She asked. ‘It’s not like you ever had a lesson of “what to do if a fight breaks out and your mate gets stabbed” in between maths and double PE.’

  ‘True.’

  ‘Exactly,’ she said. ‘Then how the hell were you meant to know what to do? You did what was natural. It’s like fight or flight, isn’t it? Your fear took over and you ran. I bet you any money anyone else would have done the same thing.’

  ‘I wish I hadn’t,’ I said.

  ‘That’s what you’re going to have to work on with David,’ Damian piped up. ‘He’ll help you. He’s not going to let you out of his sight until he knows you’re going to be OK.’

  ‘And I’m here, too,’ Josie said. ‘I don’t know if that helps or anything, but I am.’

  I couldn’t help but question her motives still. I didn’t understand why she cared so much about me when she hardly knew me. Josie was waiting for a reaction. I had to be careful how I worded it. I didn’t want to upset her.

  Why do you care so much?’ I asked her.

  She took a pull on her cigarette and blew out some smoke rings. ‘Honestly, I don’t know – I just do.’ she said.

  ‘It’s a bit strange.’

  ‘You know what I think? I think that sometimes you just care. Sometimes you don’t need a reason.’

  ‘Quite philosophical, Jose. I might have to write that one down,’ Damian said.

  ‘You do that,’ she winked at him.

  I didn’t know what to say. I thought back to the day Jake and I made friends with Nathan. He could have been thinking the same thing as I was now. He could have been wondering why Jake and I cared. Maybe that was how it worked; maybe some people just become friends by accident. Maybe it just happens.

  ‘I’m sorry for grassing you up that day,’ she said. ‘I just didn’t want you to …’

  ‘I know,’ I said. I’d never met anyone like her before. She was so troubled, so broken, but at the same time she had the biggest heart.

  ‘Right, come on you two, we better get back in before they send out a search party. Plus, I’m going to nip out and get some cake and stuff for you all.’

  We stood up to go back inside. Josie linked her arm in mine. ‘Fancy a game of pool?’ She asked. ‘I can teach you how to play prope
rly.’

  ‘Go on, then,’ I said. And this time, I actually wanted to.

  Josie was just about to beat me for the third time in a row when I felt like we were being watched. When I turned around, David was standing at the nurses’ station with his arms folded and a small smile on his face. If I didn’t know any better, I’d say he looked a bit smug.

  When he saw me looking, he pointed and beckoned.

  He took me into the staff kitchen where there were some supermarket carrier bags full of cakes and treats.

  ‘Thought I’d give you first pick before the vultures get to them,’ he smiled. ‘You’ve not yet had the pleasure of experiencing cake day. It’s like the gold rush all over again.’

  I rifled through the bags while he put the kettle on. I picked out a tub of chocolate brownies and David said we could share them as they were his favourites, too.

  We walked down to the therapy room and made ourselves comfortable with the tea and brownies.

  ‘So how are you feeling?’ He asked.

  ‘Strange,’ I said.

  ‘Can you elaborate?’

  ‘I feel lighter, but I still feel like there’s a dark cloud over my head.’

  ‘What do you think has made you feel lighter?’ He leant back and crossed his legs.

  ‘Definitely knowing that it wasn’t my fault he died,’ I said.

  ‘And how do you feel about what Debbie said, about fighting? Have you made a decision?’

  I took a deep breath. ‘I’m going to fight,’ I said. ‘For Jake and for myself.’

  ‘I can imagine it makes you feel secure knowing that she’s here for you?’

  ‘Definitely.’

  David’s face turned serious. ‘Do you have any idea why Nathan used the knife? When you caught up with him, did he tell you?’

  ‘No,’ I said. ‘He was panicked, and Sarah was in a massive state. He told me to take her home, go home myself, and not say anything to anyone. That was the last time I saw him.’

  ‘Why do you think he did it?’

  ‘I don’t know. I’ve thought about it so much but I can’t work it out. Danny didn’t put him up to it … Even he didn’t know. He was so shocked when he saw Jake had been stabbed, I’ll never forget the look on his face.’

  ‘Do you know what happened after you left the party? What made Nathan think Jake took his phone?’

  ‘Apparently, Danny wanted to get off his decks and asked Nathan to get his phone to put in the dock. Nathan couldn’t find it anywhere. Lucy turned up and told them she thought she saw Jake with it. I didn’t even know we’d passed her on our way out or to the park.’

  ‘And Jake didn’t have Nathan’s phone?’

  ‘Of course not. Danny found it down the back of the sofa when he was cleaning up from the party.’

  ‘So why do you think Lucy said that?’

  ‘Because of what happened that day in the park, I guess. She’d warned Jake that he’d regret being rude to her. I don’t know if she realised it’d get out of hand like that, maybe she just wanted to cause a bit of a row?’

  ‘How many of them were arrested for Joint Enterprise that night?’

  ‘I don’t know exactly, but Danny, Sarah, and Lucy I know for sure.’

  ‘Think about what Joint Enterprise means, Adam. You can be responsible for someone’s death just by being there and encouraging it, even if you didn’t do the stabbing yourself.’

  I didn’t know where he was going with it.

  ‘You weren’t arrested, were you? You were only taken in for questioning and let straight back out with no charge, right?’

  I nodded.

  ‘So can you see, now, that a lot of people had a part to play in what happened that night, and are actually responsible, but none of those people were you.’

  I guessed he was right. The chain of events in the run-up to what happened involved a lot of people.

  ‘Who’s really to blame for Jake’s death, Adam?’

  ‘Nathan,’ I said.

  ‘He was the one who made the decision to stab him in the leg. He’ll have to live with it for the rest of his life,’ David said in a very matter-of-fact tone.

  ‘You did nothing, as far as I can see, to contribute to it happening. Does that make you feel any better?’

  ‘Yeah, but,’ I stopped. ‘I still should have been with him,’ I said.

  David nodded. He leant over and opened the tub of brownies, took one, then gestured for me to.

  ‘Do you want to know what my plan is?’ He asked.

  I nodded.

  ‘Do you know what post-traumatic stress syndrome is?’

  ‘Isn’t that the thing the soldiers get when they come back from war?’ I wondered what that had to do with me.

  ‘Yes, but there are other things that can trigger it, too, such as what has happened to you. Your symptoms, like the nightmares, the panic attacks, the fact that by the time you got here, you’d completely shut down, it’s a definite diagnosis,’ he said.

  ‘So what do we do?’ I asked.

  ‘We’re going to do something called Eye Movement Desensitisation and Reprocessing,’ he said. ‘What and the what what what?’ I asked. It had gone straight over the top of my head.

  He laughed. ‘Basically, I get you to recall the event and, while you’re doing that, I get you to do a series of eye movements. It helps to reprogramme your brain so that the distressing memories have less of an influence over your head,’ he said. He offered me another brownie.

  ‘That sounds complicated,’ I said.

  He smiled. ‘I am also drafting in a colleague of mine called Sandra. She’s a grief counsellor and she is wonderful, you’re going to love her,’ he said. ‘Her job is going to be to help you find ways to manage your grief for Jake,’ he paused.

  ‘I don’t know if I will, it seems impossible and really overwhelming.’

  ‘All in good time,’ he said. ‘You’re not out of the woods yet, but we’ll get you there.’

  ‘Do you know how long I’m going to be in here for?’ I asked.

  ‘As long as it takes,’ he said. ‘But now you’re communicating and more stable, you can get involved in the life on the ward and you can voice your needs, so if things do get too much, you can tell us straight away.’

  ‘OK, but I don’t want to do music therapy – it’s awful,’ I said.

  He laughed. ‘Yes, I heard about the incident with Caitlin, Blake, and the drumstick.’

  ‘I need you to know, Adam, that you’re going to have your good days and your bad days and I don’t want you to put too much pressure on yourself to get better. It’s OK if you’re not. Just make sure you tell one of us?’

  ‘I will.’

  ‘Good. I’m going to keep you on the medication you’re on for now, too, but I will wean you off it as and when I feel the time is right.’ He picked up his mug and took a sip of his tea. ‘I’ve decided to keep your dad at a distance for now, too,’ he said.

  ‘Thank you.’

  ‘Anymore questions?’

  ‘Yeah, has Polly been in?’ I asked.

  ‘I was wondering when you were going to ask me that.’ He smiled.

  Fifteen

  Polly stood at the nurses’ station with a rucksack over her shoulder, a giant bin bag at her feet, and a supermarket carrier bag in her hand. I wondered if she was moving in.

  I bounced over to her from where I’d been sitting with some of the others, watching an old Western movie on the TV in the rec room. I was smiling but she wasn’t. I immediately stopped bouncing and walked slowly and cautiously.

  We stood and eyed each other up for a second.

  ‘You stopped being bat shit crazy yet?’ She asked.

  I laughed. ‘Nah, I thought I’d carry it on for a while,’ I said.

  Her face cracked into a huge smile. ‘I’ve brought you some stuff,’ she said. ‘Shall we go to your room?’

  ‘Hold your horses,’ Damian said, skidding over from where he was plonked on the floor
with the rest of them watching the film. ‘I have to come with you and check it all first.’

  ‘Why?’ Polly asked in her normal ‘defensive towards the whole world’ tone. ‘I thought he was off suicide watch?’

  ‘He is, but I still need to withhold any sharp objects, and I also need to go through that.’ He pointed at the supermarket carrier bag.

  ‘You want to see if there’s any good food in there you can steal, don’t you?’ Josie said, appearing at my side.

  ‘Busted.’ He laughed.

  Josie took a step towards Polly and introduced herself. Polly looked her up and down, and for a moment I braced myself.

  ‘Nice to meet you,’ she said and smiled.

  ‘Come on then, you two,’ Damian said.

  As we went to walk off, Josie grabbed my arm. ‘Is that your girlfriend?’ She asked. ‘She’s really pre–’

  ‘I saw her first,’ I said, cutting in.

  ‘Just saying,’ she smiled and went back over to the rec room.

  Polly emptied the bin bag first. There were two cushions and a blanket. To make things a bit more homely, she told me. ‘Unless you think he’s going to try and smother himself with them?’ She asked Damian. I cringed.

  ‘It’s a well-known fact you can’t smother yourself,’ he said. ‘But nice sarcasm,’ he winked.

  She rolled her eyes. ‘Debbie sent that in,’ she said, as Damian opened the rucksack.

  ‘Is she not coming back in?’ I asked, panicked.

  ‘Yeah, she is, it’s just she can’t make it today and I said I was, so she said to bring it so you had some clean stuff,’ she said.

  ‘Why can’t she come in today?’ I asked.

  ‘She’s gone to get a puppy,’ she said.

  ‘A puppy?’

  ‘Yep, she said she needed something to do, someone to look after. She showed me a picture of her, she’s gorgeous.’