Star Attack

by Lucy Courtenay

  He fired a pulse pistol at the nearest robot seal.

  PYOW!

  Bits of robot rained down on the fighting heroes. Splash took aim with a zap-o-blaster.

  Two more robot seals stumbled and fell, wires dangling uselessly from their metal bodies.

  “Let me have a go with the bazooka-blammer!” Fuzz yelled.

  BLLLAAAMMM!

  The bazooka-blammer made more noise than the zap-o-blaster and the pulse pistol put together. Fuzz fell over with the force of it. It put four more robot seals out of action and made a large hole in the wall of the Tunafish. But it wasn’t enough. The silver fighting machines kept coming.

  “My stun gun isn’t working,” Rocky shouted as he jumped and spun and fought. “It’s just making a BOOP noise!”

  “Stun guns only work on living things, Rocky,” Splash panted, dodging an oncoming seal. KABOOM! His zap-o-blaster was running dangerously low on power. “Not robots.”

  Rocky wasn’t listening. He peered down his stun-gun barrel. “Maybe I just need to press this button here. It’s worth a—”

  BOOP. The rockhopper pilot slid to the floor.

  “We’re a penguin down, Captain!” Fuzz shouted. “Rocky just knocked himself out with his own stun gun!”

  Nearly all their weapons were out of power and ammunition. The only thing left was the space cannon, but it would blow the penguins sky-high along with the robots. In desperation, Captain Krill picked a Tentakle blob off the floor and hurled it. SPLAT! A silver monster staggered and tipped sideways with a nasty smell of sock.

  “Right in the circuit board!” shouted Splash. “Wahoo!”

  It was amazing what a flipperful of blobs could do. SPLAT! SPLAT! SPLAT! A dozen robot seals were blobbed, and then a dozen more. When the blobs ran out, the penguins used things from the Tunafish’s food stores. An old lump of frozen haddock. CHONK! Tins of sprats in squid-ink sauce. WHANG! Dried frisbees of salted cod. WHEE!

  “NINJA PENGUIN!” screamed Fuzz, whirling his flippers like blades.

  “What’s going on?” mumbled Rocky as he woke up.

  There were fish everywhere. On the ceiling, in the control panels. A handful of frozen scampi started cooking in the light fittings, filling the Tunafish with wonderful smells. But all the penguin power aboard that spaceship was no match for the robot army. There were too many of them.

  “If you eat me, you’ll get the stomach-ache of your measly mechanical life!” Fuzz roared as a robot carried him off the ship. Four more seized Captain Krill. Three grabbed Splash. Two more hefted Rocky over their heads. The four penguins were dumped on the ice outside.

  They struggled to their feet as a huge, black, penguin-shaped robot came gliding through their midst towards them.

  “Well, if it isn’t my old penguin friends,” it said.

  It looked like Beaky Wader, the old First Mate of the Tunafish, who had vanished from the spaceship three years earlier. And yet at the same time, it didn’t look like Beaky at all.

  “That’s impossible!” said Fuzz.

  “That’s incredible!” said Rocky.

  “That’s technically very advanced,” said Splash.

  The large armour-plated penguin raised a pair of glittery metal eyebrows at the captain. “Anything you’d like to add?”

  “Hello Beaky,” said Captain Krill coolly.

  “I call myself Dark these days,” said Beaky Wader. “Dark Wader. Hello Krill. It’s ‘ice’ to see you.” He beamed at his joke. “Ha-ha-ha! I’m even more brilliant than I thought!”

  “You’ll forgive me if I don’t ask you aboard for a fish supper, Beaky,” said the captain with a stern face. But…”

  “You never did have a sense of humour, Krill,” Beaky interrupted. “And the name’s Dark. As in: how your future looks if you keep calling me Beaky.”

  Fuzz pointed to the empty pizza boxes lying beside the rusty Doughball. “Did you steal those pizzas?” he asked.

  “Of course I did,” said Beaky. “Decent pizzas don’t grow on trees. And even if they did, trees don’t grow in space.”

  “So what have you done with the crew?” said Captain Krill. “It’s against intergalactic regulations to—”

  “I can’t hear you,” said Beaky. “La la la. Boring. Like everything you ever say, Krill.”

  Splash looked at Beaky’s shiny black armour, his gleaming helmet and his shiny silver wheels. “Loving the outfit, Beaky,” he said. “I mean, Dark.”

  Beaky Wader brushed a speck of dust off his winking electronic chest. “Good, isn’t it?” he said with a smirk.

  “You look like a remote-control wheelie bin,” said Fuzz.

  Beaky Wader glared. He clapped his armoured flippers with an ear-piercing clang. “Masher?” he said to the nearest robot seal. “Escort our guests. Cruncher?” he said to the second nearest. “Make sure no one at the back gets lost.”

  A small, red, crusty creature suddenly skidded into view and crashed hard against the Tunafish’s landing gear, making the penguins jump.

  “Sorry I’m late,” said the creature. It looked like a crab apart from its tail and the extra pairs of eyes set at the tips of its claws. “What did I miss?”

  “This is Crabba,” said Dark Wader. “He is mean, vicious, untrustworthy, venomous, highly dangerous and utterly loyal to me.”

  Crabba scuttled up Dark Wader’s armoured body and sat on his shoulder. He gazed at the Space Penguins with interest. “I am pretty venomous, yeah,” he said. “It’s all in the claws. But I’ll only nip you if you annoy me.”

  “Our guests are tired and in need of rest and refreshment, Crabba,” said Dark Wader. “Shall we escort them to their sleeping pods?”

  “What have you done with the crew of the Doughball?” Captain Krill repeated stubbornly, but Dark Wader ignored him.

  Masher and Cruncher snapped their jaws as the Tunafish crew waddled after their gliding host as speedily as they could. Captain Krill’s beak was already icing up. The freezing wind howling around the space station was as cold as the Antarctic. The Space Penguins started almost enjoying the experience.

  “I wish you’d turn the temperature up, boss,” Crabba said.

  “Crabba cannot understand the beauty of snow and ice,” said Dark Wader. “He’s from somewhere hot.” He said the word “hot” like it was a foul-tasting kipper. “But you can, my friends, can’t you? It’s in our blood. Our bones.”

  “Beaky’s a walking advert for motorized components,” Splash whispered to Captain Krill. “I’ve never seen such smooth action from an aquatic bird.”

  Everywhere the penguins looked, robot seals were watching them with unblinking red eyes. What had happened to their old space-mate in the three years since they had last seen him? How come Beaky was a robot living on a star-shaped space station with an army of metal guards these days?

  “We need to escape, boss,” whispered Fuzz as they waddled along. “I’ve got a bad feeling about Beaky and his plans.”

  “Too many robot seals watching, Fuzz,” replied Captain Krill quietly. “Escaping will have to wait. And besides, we’ve got to rescue the crew of the Doughball.”

  They stopped in front of a large ice hole carved into the wall, marked SLEEPING PODS.

  “It’s late,” said Dark Wader. “I never sleep, but you flesh-and-blood intergalactic heroes will need a little snooze.” He sneered at the word “heroes”. “We shall part until the morning, when I have something to discuss with you, perhaps over a pizza breakfast. Don’t try any heroics. I can assure you, they will end badly.”

  Masher and Cruncher drove the penguins into the ice hole. All at once they were slipping and sliding through a tunnel. The air rushed over their sleek feathers like silk. It was fantastic! It was fabulous! It was like the world’s best waterslide, only drier. And a whole lot colder.

  After two feather-freaking minutes, the breathless penguins tumbled head-over-flippers out of the end of the tunnel and landed with a mighty splash in a deep blue ice pool.
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  “This is our sleeping pod? WAHOO!” shouted Rocky, bobbing to the surface. He shook his eyebrows, spraying droplets of ice-cold water everywhere.

  “Check this place out,” Fuzz gasped.

  The penguins sprang from the water and landed on the craggy white shoreline of the pool. They stared at their surroundings.

  Four comfortable sleeping platforms were carved into the rock in one corner, whilst a frozen fish vending machine stood in another. There was an iceslide curving around the walls and ending in the pool.

  “I’m so trying that,” said Rocky, scrambling up the snow steps that led to the top and launching himself down the slide.

  “Do I see mackerel?” said Splash, gazing at the vending machine.

  “I haven’t seen mackerel for years,” said Fuzz.

  Captain Krill pressed the vending-machine button. It made a whumping noise and a top drawer flew open, sending an arc of spring-loaded mackerel straight into the waiting penguins’ beaks. PING. PING. PING.

  “WAHOOOOO!” screamed Rocky as he landed in the pool again.

  “It’s brilliant here!” said Fuzz.

  “Why is Beaky being so nice to us?” Captain Krill mused. “I don’t trust him. That pizza spaceship crew is on this space station somewhere, and they need us. Let’s not lose sight of that, team. We’ll pick our moment and escape as soon as we can.”

  No one noticed the tiny jellyfish-shaped robot creeping through a crack in the wall and attaching itself to the ceiling. A miniature lens shot out of its body and focused in on the penguins below.

  At once, a stream of words and pictures were fed back to a large computer in the space station’s Control Room. Dark Wader tapped his flippers together thoughtfully as he watched and listened.

  The penguins were woken the next morning by two enormous robot seals zooming through the ice-tunnel door and landing in the pool.

  “I’m guessing they have waterproof circuitry,” said Splash as the seals leaped ashore and herded the penguins towards another doorway in the wall marked GREAT ICE DECK.

  “No kidding, fish brains,” said Fuzz.

  The new iceslide was even twistier than the last one, and the penguins enjoyed the ride. The little jellyfish-shaped spy-cam followed a short distance behind them.

  “This is almost as much fun as yesterday!” shouted Rocky as they banked steeply around a corner. “The only difference is that yesterday we were sliding AWAY from Wader. Today we’re sliding STRAIGHT TOWARDS—”

  Flump. The penguin astronauts landed in an untidy heap in the middle of a snowdrift, right in the heart of a gigantic deck. Dark Wader, Crabba, fifteen robot seals and a long table covered in prawn pizzas were waiting for them.

  “Help yourselves,” said Dark Wader between munches. “They’re chilled.”

  “Why are we here? What do you want?” said Captain Krill. “Where’s the crew of the Doughball?”

  “Patience, Krill. All will be revealed,” said Dark Wader. “But for now I suggest you eat while you can.”

  The penguins nibbled the pizzas cautiously. They tasted fabulous.

  Huge icy walls glittered around them. Lights twinkled among the thousands of deadly-looking icicles that hung from the ceiling. An immense tank of water stood in the middle of the deck, containing something that made loud sloshing noises every few minutes. Rows of shiny silver control buttons lined the walls, marked with different temperatures like CHILLY, COLD, ANTARCTIC, SCHOOL FOOTBALL PITCH IN DECEMBER.

  “You’re impressed with my Great Ice Deck, aren’t you?” said Dark Wader.

  “It’s a big white room,” said Rocky.

  “It’s the heart of my vast starfish-shaped space station,” Dark Wader corrected, looking annoyed.

  Beaky had always been boastful. They might get some useful information about the Doughball and its crew if they encouraged him to boast about what he’d been doing. The Space Penguins had used the strategy many times before, usually when trying to trick Fuzz into revealing what he was cooking for dinner.

  “What’s it been – three years since you left the Tunafish?” Captain Krill began. “And you’ve got your own little space station to show for it. That’s nice.”

  “My Death Starfish is not little,” said the big pengbot indignantly. “It’s vast and unique! I designed and built every last part of it with my own bare flippers.”

  “Sure you did,” said Rocky.

  Hot spots of colour rose in Dark Wader’s metal cheeks. “OK, so thousands of RoboSeals did the actual building, but so what? I’m the brains behind the design!”

  “No offence,” said Splash, “but anyone can build a bunch of mechanized blubber-balls and then order them around. I could anyway.”

  “You won’t believe the things that I’ve done since leaving your pathetic sardine-can of a spacecraft!” Dark Wader was working himself into a tantrum. “I designed that great terror of the skies: the Squid-G fighter!”

  “Anything else?” said Captain Krill hopefully.

  “He gave himself titanium bones, wheels and waterproof armour,” Crabba said from his perch on Dark Wader’s shoulder. “He can live in any atmosphere and at any temperature, though he prefers it cold. He doesn’t need to eat, drink or sleep, though he still likes the taste of fish. Between you and me, I did all the fiddly bits.”

  “Under my orders!” said Wader.

  “Mildly impressive, Beaky, I admit,” said Rocky.

  “It’s taken me years to get this far, and I’ve hardly even started,” Dark Wader ranted. “So it’s DARK if you don’t mind.”

  “Sorry Beaky.” Rocky smoothed his eyebrows out of the way. “I’ll get the hang of it eventually.”

  “Shall I poison him, boss?” Crabba offered.

  “Tempting, Crabba,” said Dark Wader, starting to calm down. “But it will take too long and I’m keen to press on. My fellow penguins, you see before you the centrepiece of my creation. Ice tunnels lead from here to all the pointy bits of my Death Starfish. We have the Control Room and Engine Room in Point One; the accommodation and jail cells in Point Two; the spaceport, cargo bays and hangars holding my spare Squid-G fighters in Point Three; the laboratories in Point Four; the kitchens and the Fish Station in Point Five. Glorious, isn’t it?”

  So the jail cells were in Point Two. Interesting, thought Captain Krill.

  “What about the Doughball?” he asked again.

  “The Doughball no longer exists,” the pengbot said impatiently. “We have already eaten most of its cargo and the fuselage has been stripped down. My RoboSeals are turning what’s left of it into another top-of-the-range Squid-G fighter. We’ll probably do the same with the Tunafish. I recycle all the ships I capture. I’m very eco-friendly.”

  “And the crew?”

  “There was only one of them, Krill. A six-armed creature that called itself a pilot. I don’t know why you’re so bothered anyway,” Dark Wader said in annoyance. “It’s cooling its heels in the jail cells while I decide what to do with it.”

  “The jail cells in Point Two?” said Captain Krill.

  “Of COURSE the jail cells in Point Two!” roared Dark Wader. “Point Two is where the jail cells ARE!”

  Fuzz waddled over to the huge tank in the centre of the room. “What’s in here?” he said, hopping up some steps and peering into the water.

  Dark Wader had calmed down again. “My robot killer whale,” he said proudly.

  The water exploded as a huge creature soared up from the depths. The penguins glimpsed overlapping scales of black and white metal. The thing was GIGANTIC. It thrashed its black-and-white tail, slammed together a set of razor-sharp steel teeth twice as tall as Fuzz, and fell back into the water with a boom. Hundreds of icicles broke away from the ceiling and plummeted to the ground. The penguins danced out of the way.

  “I don’t worry about being spiked these days,” said Dark Wader as an icicle shattered on his helmet. “Not now I’m mostly made out of metal.”

  “Why do you have a KILLER
WHALE?” demanded Fuzz, panting after a narrow escape from a gigantic dagger of ice which had just plunged into the ground by his feet.

  “Why not?” said Dark Wader. “I’m quite pleased with him.”

  “You’re a PENGUIN, Wader!” said Fuzz. “Killer whales eat penguins! You must be insane!”

  “I am more than just a penguin now,” corrected Dark Wader. “I’m part robot. A mega-penguin. And if I want to create hi-tech seals and whales that do what I tell them, I will.” He grinned evilly. “Now it’s time to show you my Fish Station. My living refrigerator. My larder of loveliness.”

  The pengbot pointed to a small doorway in the far wall. Through the door the penguins could see a huge aquarium of fish swimming about.

  “Fresh fish all day, every day,” said Dark Wader. “My RoboSeals load them into the vending machines you see all over the Death Starfish. No more improvising with tasteless alien life forms. This is the real thing.”

  “Sardines. Mullet. Mackerel,” sighed Rocky, gazing at the aquarium. “All my favourite flavours. The Tunafish ran out of those years ago.”

  Captain Krill looked at his crew. If penguins had lips, they would have been licking them. He hoped they weren’t falling for Beaky’s smooth talk. He needed them to stay focused. “Where did you get them, Wader?” he asked.

  “I nicked a few from the Tunafish freezer when I left,” said Dark Wader.

  “WHAT?” roared Fuzz.

  Dark Wader shrugged. “I only needed a few species. I reanimated them – I know, I’m a genius – and then I started a breeding programme. Now I have as much fish as I want.”

  “You’re nothing but a mullet nicker!” shouted Fuzz. “A sardine pirate! A mackerel pickpocket!”

  “Can it, Fuzz,” said Captain Krill sharply before his Security Officer had them all turned into fish food. “Tell us what you want from us, Wader.”