by Reber, Tina
“The police took our statements. They carted Kyle out to the patrol car real fas. Ryan, I told the police that I didn’t want to press charges.”
“You mean to tell me after all the bullshit that bastard put us through, you just let the son-of-a-bitch walk?” he yelled in my ear.
“Yes,” I said somberly. I knew Ryan felt completely left down.
He huffed in my ear. “Be honest with me, please. Do you have feelings for him? Just tell me.”
“No, Ryan. I don’t. But I just couldn’t send him to prison.”
I could not condemn a man to that fate for simply wanting me.
“I didn’t press charges because I was afraid,” I continued slowly. “I was afraid that if I destroyed his life, he might come after us one day with a vengeance. He walked away a free man; he has no reason to ever retaliate. It’s over,” I sighed.
Ryan was silent. I could hear him breathing hard; he was stewing. I knew he wanted Kyle to pay dearly for every wrong he ever did to us, but in my mind, two wrongs never made a right.
“Ryan?” I called out to him, hoping to calm him so we could talk this out.
“What?” he asked in his irritated, short tone.
“After all of this, I can’t have you mad at me too,” I told him, my words were more of a plea.
“I’ve…” he stammered. “I’ve got to go,” he informed grimly.
“Ryan?” I breathed out.
“I need some time to think,” he replied coldly.
His gears that were once so easy for me to switch suddenly felt stiff, unmoving under my influence.
“Okay,” I whispered as the burn of heartbreak slipped up my throat.
I slumped down into my chair at the big, round table. My friends all looked at me, confused as to why I was suddenly falling apart again after speaking to Ryan.
Marie’s perplexed glare turned to anger. She pulled her phone out of her pocket and I knew just by her expression that she was planning on calling Ryan and reading him the riot act.
“Don’t,” I protested, wiping my eyes on a Mitchell’s napkin.
My heart cracked wider when two whole days passed and I still had not talked to Ryan. I didn’t call him either; part of me was deathly afraid to have my worst fear validated. Denial was a safer option, safer than the truth. Other than the two and a half days I spent in the pit of darkness after returning from Florida, this was the longest we had ever gone without speaking.
Ryan did manage to send me a text message, but it was short. I knew he was still in Miami filming the last scenes of Thousand Miles and that they were attempting to wrap filming this week. He was working fifteen-hour days. I could only imagine how uncomfortable things must be for him to film with Lauren… to pretend, to act in front of the cameras that he was in love with this woman who so insidiously tried to destroy our relationship.
The devastation from my disastrous trip to Florida lingered in my heart and every day it became more and more unbearable. I continued to beat myself up every spare moment I had for being foolish and gullible and for doubting Ryan’s faithfulness. Had I scarred him so deeply that forgiveness was no longer an option?
Part of me couldn’t blame Ryan for being angry with me, after all, how could our relationship survive if I didn’t show him I could trust him?
But there were moments when he questioned my faithfulness too, so why should I feel solely responsible for the current state of misery I was existing in?
And what about that leggy bitch down in Florida who still gets to enjoy Ryan’s lips on hers? Did Lauren have an ounce of remorse in her fake-breasted soul?
Tears slipped from my eyes as I tapped a pitcher of beer for a waiting customer. I thought about all the problems Ryan was dealing with – the troubles with Suzanne, and David, and the studio people, and Lauren, and Kyle, and losing an unborn baby… all these things that caused him pain had one common denominator – me.
“Taryn?” Marie reached for me, questioning my sadness.
I set the pitcher down on the bar and waved my hand to dismiss her attempt to console me.
I couldn’t do this anymore to him… or me.
Tammy stopped me as I hurried through the kitchen, grabbing me by the arm before I got through my door. My key was still stuck in the doorknob. She wrapped me in a tender hug as the magnitude of my overwhelming grief reached its final peak and crashed down on me.
My knees buckled and I dropped to the floor, covering my face with my hands.
There was only one option left for me…
I had to let Ryan go.
Chapter 36 – What do you say?
I watched Marie out of the corner of my eye as she answered her cell phone again while making a mixed drink for a waiting customer. Gary had been calling her at work these last few days, which was very out of character for him. Gary was never much of a talker, so I was surprised at how often he called.
I gathered through the bits and pieces of conversation that they were making plans for a family get-together; it sounded like several people were flying in from out of town. Marie seemed stressed, often getting angry with him when they spoke. She would become testy and then run off to the kitchen to yell at him in private.
I didn’t ask what the problems were nor did I pay any particular attention to her personal business. The part of my soul that died last Thursday on a plane back from Florida just didn’t care much about anything lately.
Ryan finally called me Friday morning, but our conversation was awkward, like he called me just to be nice. I wasn’t sure by the tone of his words if we were headed for the official breakup or if he called me just because he felt he had to. It didn’t help my emotional stability that we only talked about how busy he was.
“No! It’s just not a good time right now,” he had stuttered strangely into the phone when I offered to get on a plane and fly to see him.
Ryan said he had just arrived in L.A. and was going through final fittings for his wardrobe for Slipknot. He had photo shoots and interviews, and the press tour for the premier of Reparation was also just a few days away. Rehearsals and filming in Vancouver would start immediately after that. He was also scheduled to start training since his character was supposed to be a rock climber.
I would have flown around the world ten times if I knew I’d end up in his arms at the end, but he didn’t want me to.
“My schedule is just crazy right now. I don't know when I’ll be able to see you even if you did fly out,” he had said, continuing his reasons why he didn’t want me to get on a plane. “Don't get me wrong, I want to see you, it’s just… bad timing.”
Bad timing… this from the man who used to sneak off set to call and text me countless times a day now all of a sudden didn’t have time for me. How quickly things change.
I almost called him back to ask if he still wanted me… if he could still love me like he once did… but I couldn’t do it. I was afraid if I pushed, his answer would be “no.”
I remembered the solemn vow I made to him several months ago when we were on my rooftop - I would never break up with him - ever. I intended to keep that vow. If our relationship was over, he’d have to be the one to say the words out loud.
The bar was fairly crowded for a Saturday night. I went through the motions, mixing drinks and waiting on customers, but inside I was numb, lifeless.
I dried my wet hands on my bar towel, taking a moment to adjust the garnet ring I still wore on my right hand - like it was a magic link to the only man I had ever truly loved. I had been through so much in the six months since Ryan and I started dating, it was a miracle that I survived. But it didn’t matter. Right now I would have walked through hot coals and blistering fire to be with him again.
“There’s something to make any girl smile!” Marie said loudly.
I felt my dead heart thump in my chest. I quickly looked in her direction, aching for the one face that would bring the sunshine back into my world.
To my dismay, Phil the Fireman was lea
ning on the bar. He was squeezed in between two customers who were trying to have a conversation around him. My silly hopes were for naught. I could feel that the final ending, that expiration date I had feared so tremendously, was a mere moment away.
“Hi Taryn!” Phil greeted me. His broad smile wavered when he noticed I didn’t return his enthusiasm.
“Hi Phil,” I said glumly. I tried to make myself smile. I felt like such a hypocrite.
“Taryn, I need a new bottle of, um, Jack,” Cory asked, snapping his fingers impatiently at me. “Fast.”
I could have sworn that I put a new bottle out earlier, but then again I hadn’t been paying much attention to details nor did I care to question it.
I was unlocking the back bar lower cabinet to get a new bottle for him when Marie backed up and stood at my side.
“Taryn, there’s someone here to see you,” she said awkwardly.
My pulse quickened and I felt flush. I jumped up from my crouched position, whipping my head around to see.
“Hi Taryn!”
I instantly recognized the voice, but I was completely surprised to see the faces.
“Ellen? Bill? Oh my God! What are you guys doing here?” I leaned up over the bar. “Wait, let me come around.”
I hugged and kissed them both.
“We were on our way to um…” Ellen looked at Bill, apparently forgetting her words.
“Martha’s Vineyard,” Bill reminded her.
“Yes, Martha’s Vineyard! We thought we’d stop by to see you first,” Ellen said.
Marie rushed out from behind the bar. “Taryn, why don’t you take them into the kitchen to talk? It’s really loud out here. Cory and I can cover the bar for a while.” Marie tugged my arm.
“Yes, yes, please let’s.” Bill placed a hand on my back and quickly guided me through the crowd towards the kitchen door. I could see him cringing from the volume of the music.
“I’m so glad you stopped here first! So you’re going to Martha’s Vineyard? Oh, you’ll have such a nice time there!” I gushed, thrilled to see them. It was the first time I smiled in days. “How long are you staying there?”
“Where?” Bill asked. He looked confused.
“On Martha’s Vineyard?” I continued.
Bill and Ellen were looking at each other, unsure of who was going to answer.
“Just a few days, Honey. Just a few days,” Ellen stated quickly.
Bill looked at his watch. He was acting a bit strange, like he was in a hurry to go somewhere.
“How long are you staying in Seaport? You know you are welcome to stay here. I hope you didn’t get a hotel room.” I didn’t know why I was rambling. Bill’s demeanor was making me edgy. It appeared that they weren’t here for a social visit.
“We don’t want to intrude,” Ellen quickly replied. “We have a hotel room for tonight and then we, um, have much to do tomorrow.”
“Oh, okay. Well, did you have dinner? We can go out to eat if you’re hungry or I can make something for you to eat upstairs,” I offered.
Why do they look nervous? They keep looking at each other. This is getting weird. I noticed the band stopped playing, so it wasn’t quite as loud anymore, but the volume of people talking out in the pub seemed to get louder.
“No, we ate before we came here,” Bill somberly replied.
I felt my breath catch. My hand clenched my throat.
“What’s wrong? I feel like you’re going to tell me something bad.” My eyes quickly toggled, assessing.
“He’s met someone else, hasn’t he?” I scanned their faces - waiting… trying to judge their reaction to my question. Ellen seemed startled.
“I knew it. He changed his mind. He doesn’t think I can trust him anymore so he’s moving on.” Pain, agony, all too familiar, seeped back into my soul. It only took him one week to finally decide he had enough of me.
My eyes became moist and I felt the scorching burn roll up into my throat. Not only did I have to give up the only man I ever truly loved, I would also be losing two wonderful parents on top of it. I bit my teeth into my upper lip, trying to hold back a sob.
“Did he send you for his things?” I whispered, assuming his parents were here to pack his stuff up. Tears cracked and bled from my eyes from thinking about him moving out of the apartment. “He doesn’t even want to talk to me anymore?”
“Oh, Honey, no!” Ellen quickly answered.
“Ellen, I’m so sorry. I’m sorry for disappointing you.” I couldn’t stop the tears.
“Oh, for God’s sake,” Bill huffed. He turned on his heels and hastily bolted for the door.
“Great. Now I’ve offended his father too.” I walked over to the large steel sink that Ryan paid for and ripped a few paper towels out of the holder to wipe my eyes. I had desperately hoped that Ryan and I would try to resolve things before finally calling it quits, but that didn’t seem possible now.
“I think… I have a few boxes,” I muttered, gasping for air between sobs, gripping the counter to hold myself up.
This is it – the moment of truth - it’s officially over.
“Taryn, Ryan didn’t send us. And I’m fairly certain that whatever he has to say to you he will tell you himself. You need to stop crying because everything is going to be okay!”
Bill popped his head around the cracked kitchen door. “Ellen, it’s time. Let’s go,” he barked sharply.
I gasped deeply from the shock. I must have really offended him. Bill didn’t even stick around to say goodbye, go to hell, don’t ever call my son again… nothing.
Ellen smiled at me and then rifled through her purse. “Let me freshen you up a bit first.” She opened up her compact and started powdering my face. “Do you want some lipstick?”
I shrugged, completely confused by her actions. Maybe she felt my customers didn’t need to know I was crying again? Maybe it was her final gesture of being nice to me since I’d never see her again?
Before I knew it, she was rubbing lipstick over my lips. Great... she pities me. Her final final gesture is to get me pretty enough so I could go back out there and get hit on by some drunken asshole who is destined to be my loser husband since I’m obviously single again.
“There!” she said, rubbing her thumb over my lip. Her hand combed through my hair, fluffing one side around my ear. “That’s better! Are you ready to go?”
“Go where?” I followed her out of the kitchen.
My watery eyes had to adjust to the darkened pub atmosphere. Ellen immediately joined Bill, who was sitting down at a table for two near the poolroom with a drink in his hand. Apparently they weren’t going anywhere. What the hell is going on here?
I stood there staring at them, completely dumbfounded by the last five minutes of my life, trying to make sense of it all. I think I was just dumped by my boyfriend’s parents who are here to move him out of the apartment, but yet they are sitting here having a drink? What the…?
An acoustic guitar strummed in the background as the band readied to play their next set. Bill glanced up to the stage. Maybe he wanted to stay and hear the band?
“I wrote this song for the woman I love,” a very familiar voice announced over the sound system.
A shiver blasted down my spine and I gasped from the complete and utter shock of hearing his voice. How could that be? He can’t possibly be behind me… He’s across the country in California!
Quickly, I turned around, covering my mouth with my hands to keep from screaming out in surprise.
“I’m hoping she has the same reaction this time that she had the first time I played for her.” He gently smiled.
There he was, sitting on a stool up on the stage, a very familiar Gibson guitar resting across his thigh. His smile widened when I smiled back.
“This song is called, ‘What Do You Say?’”
He started the soft melody. I stood there, shaking slightly, listening to his mesmerizing voice and his lyrics that touched my soul. My heart pounded in my chest.
<
br /> If I could put back the pieces and make them right
I’d turn back the hands of time with all my might
You’d never think that things went wrong
If I took the pain away
And if I say that you complete me in every single way
If I shout it from the clouds above for everyone to hear
Could you ever believe me?
If I whisper to you sweetly
You say you need a reason
But I’ve never gone astray
Now if I can once again persuade you
To say yes to me today
There is just one more question left for me to ask
Before we throw it all away
What do you say?
Please say yes to me today
I gave you my heart, placed it in your hands
For our dreams of tomorrow, just like we planned
Together as one for the rest of our days
But If I’d only showed instead of told you
I would have taken this doubt away
If I scream it from the sky above
So everyone is sure to know
Could you ever believe me?
If I whisper to you sweetly
You cry out you need a reason
But we’ve never gone astray
Now if I can once again persuade you
To say yes to me today
There is just one more question left for me to ask
Before we let it slip away
What do you say?
Please say yes to me today
If you give me your hand, I’ll wrap it in golden bands
For a long future together, I’d be a happy man
I’ll hold you forever as our story unfolds
By my side
You’ve been my only lover, let the truth be told
If I scream it from the sky above
So everyone is sure to know
Could you ever believe me?
If I whisper to you sweetly
If I say I am your reason