In any ordinary life (In any oridnary Book 1)

by Clare Stanley Midgley

  Reaching her old room Ivy caught hold of her hand.

  “We’ve missed you and there is so much I need to share with you.” “I’m…I’m not the same person Ivy. I had to change to survive but as Jack those things where easy to accept as Jeanie I don’t understand how I did them.” Ivy kept hold of her hand trying to understand what she had been through. “Your home now maybe we can figure everything out together…”

  Getting changed for bed Jeanie caught sight of herself in the mirror, looking at the floor she realised how long it had been since she could see herself as a woman. As she lay in bed she couldn’t get comfortable, the ironic thing was she had been dreaming about a soft warm comfortable bed to sleep in and now it just felt like a coffin. Dragging the blanket onto the floor she lay under the bed, “It’s over with. Got to let it go…”

  “Mum….Mum MUM! Come now mum its Jeanie.” Irene leaped to her feet Daisy hysterical by this point had started to run on the spot.

  “Mum Jeanie’s locked herself in my wardrobe.” Irene confused by her daughters outburst, stood at her bedroom door.

  “Daisy calm down. What happened?” Daisy still running on the spot started to panic.

  “Mum she’s got a gun in there she says people are trying to kill her…..” Walking into the bedroom May was stood at the wardrobe. “Jeanie…Jeanie your safe now it’s me open the door. Please open the door,” Jeanie crouched inside with her hands over her head, all her experiences playing over and over in her mind.

  “Come on love it’s only me. I don’t want to hurt you sweetheart come on.” Jeanie cowered in the light her thoughts encasing her past and present state. Her nightmares had felt so reel and even now in her own home she didn’t feel safe.

  “I’m sorry…I’m sorry. I don’t…” Irene sat inside and held onto her daughter tight.

  “I love you. You’re my baby girl come on. It doesn’t matter what you’ve done you had to do it to survive. Come on.” Irene coaxed her out; Jeanie dropped the gun on the floor and held onto her mother tight.

  “I didn’t mean to I had no choice mum.” The tears stained her nightdress and the girls held onto every word with baited breath.

  “Girls go back to bed….Jeanie will be getting in with me.” Irene poured a large glass of Brandy and sat Jeanie down on the bed.

  “Ok love I’m here shhh come on. Drink that and let’s get some rest...” Jeanie gulped down the brandy pulling her face she dropped the glass and placed her head in her hands.

  “It’s not over mum. I can feel it there is something else and I just can’t put my finger on it. These dreams, nightmares are haunting me and they won’t go away. I’ve had to fight and kill to stay alive now I’m home it just seems like it’s not real. I’m still waiting for the ambush or death to jump up at me I….I can’t explain it. He followed me into the jungle and he’s followed me back out again and I swore I swore that was it when I killed him I swore to myself this wouldn’t happen. Mum I’m so scared this isn’t over.” Irene wrapped her arms around her daughter, she felt powerless in her struggle. Knowing she had gone to war because someone else wanted her dead made the reasons far harder to justify. Lying in the dark Irene watched Jeanie sleep, Jeanie was still agitated but at least she was asleep, no matter how hard she tried she couldn’t imagine what her daughter had been through.

  Iris, Daisy and May sat in a circle on the floor of the bedroom.

  “I don’t understand what happened. Daisy tell me again…Iris can you get the door...” May huddled the group together and with Daisy still upset by the incident she tried hard to explain.

  “It was awful I’d just turned over and saw Jeanie stood at the door of the wardrobe with the gun and as I sat up she disappeared almost eerily into the wardrobe. She looked at me and told me to shush and whoever it was where coming and I had to keep quiet. That’s when she started to scream…It’s awful I can’t imagine what she’s been through….”

  May’s sigh was heavy unable to comprehend what had happened, “I just hope things start to settle down….”

  “The thing is Ivy desperate to discuss the plant and I don’t think she will give her enough time to sort it. Lets face it girls this situation is fucked up. I heard her talking to Mum and she still feels there is someone out there trying to kill her and to be fair after everything that’s gone on it feels justified.” Irene stood at the door and listened to what had happened; her heart sank as she had agreed that Jeanie should go. As the girls dispersed Irene poked her head around the corner.

  “Goodnight girls she’s asleep now and that’s what we need…love to you all,” Watching the twitching slumber Irene hoped for now that she had settled.

  Jeanie was up first the next morning self conscious about last night’s incident she made breakfast as an apology. Laying the food out on the table Jeanie saw a familiar face at the window, opening the door Jeanie hugged him tightly.

  “What’s that for? Are you ok?” Feeling her tremble John held onto her tight. “No I did something last night I forgot where I was and I hid in the cupboard expecting him to come for me…I don’t know what to do.”

  John moved away from the door, still holding onto her Irene came into the kitchen.

  “Irene what’s happened?”

  “John it’s my fault. I’ve done this to all of us.” Irene took her daughters hand still reminiscent of her other daughters conversations.

  “Don’t worry love it will be sorted have a chat with John. A bit of fresh air might be a good thing. John?” Looking at Irene she seemed desperate for anyone to be able to help, placing her coat in her hand it was the first time she had given John permission to be with her daughter.

  “A talk might help I know its John but James isn’t due back for another couple of weeks and needs must.” Jeanie started to cry she couldn’t believe how excited everyone had been, and she felt like she had let them down.

  “I’m so sorry mum I’m a mess aren’t I…”

  “No love just sometimes bad things happen to good people.” Watching her mum from the kitchen window Jeanie could see the strain of last night’s outburst.

  “I want to go to the lake in the old wood. I want to lay some flowers on him. Funny really cause dad used to take me there fishing in summer.”

  “I thought of you I was bringing it around as a welcome home gift…” Undoing the wrappings the knitted hat and scarf fell open in her grasp. “There lovely thank you.” wrapping herself up in the items Jeanie linked John’s arm as they strolled. The cool crisp morning was sharp and clear and in some ways the frost seemed to clear her mind.

  “It’s funny we only go for walks in winter.” John smiled and strolled casually alongside. Reaching the clearing there was a small skim of ice on the water and the tree’s where bare. Isolated in the coldness the whole area was at peace in its woodland grace. Resting flowers below the small plaque she read out the words under her smoky breath.

  To Our Dear Son Francis John Stanton.

  Taken from us by tragic circumstance. Loved and treasured for a lifetime. May the wings of heaven collect our angel and may the tides of time heal our wounds.

  Forever in our hearts.

  “I know you did all this because James told me. You know I love this spot and you also knew I would want his ashes scattered here. I just wish I could have seen him. But obviously it was never meant to be.”

  Jeanie sat on bench looking over the water; sitting beside her John lit his cigarette and placed his arm around the back of the chair

  “So are we going to talk about what’s really going on?” Jeanie shuffled away unnerved by his question.

  “Mike Kowalski spoke to me before I shot him the words didn’t make sense at first but I thought I could escape all that by killing him and I can’t. I promised you that I could leave it behind but when he said it wasn’t over. I already felt it. It’s easy to hide death when you’re at war it’s easy to kill without question the only question is can I live with myself…”

  “Je
anie no body tells you how to deal with war. But on the other hand you haven’t just had to deal with war you’ve had to deal with two raging psychopaths who kidnapped your husband and wanted you dead. Don’t beat yourself up about it…” Jeanie stood and walked to the water looking at the ripples underneath the ice it symbolised how she was feeling

  “John this just isn’t about Signthorpe and Kawolski and you know it. Don’t treat me like an idiot. This thing obviously runs deeper than either you or I have imagined. I needed to be sent out of the way. I don’t know what for but my mind is racing at one hundred miles and hour and I can’t catch up.”

  Learning forward on the bench he understood her concerns and watched the last few years take more toll on her already fragile state of mind.

  “He thinks I’m torn John he thinks I still love you.”

  “And are you.” Jeanie looked back into the water knowing she couldn’t run from either of them.

  “Would it make any difference?”

  “It would to me.” Looking

  “He love’s me John I know he does.” Walking back along the river edge, Jeanie distance and isolation grew with every sentence.

  “You’re not a back up if anything goes on. You need to find someone to make you happy, “

  “If your have second thought’s about us Jeanie I need to know. You know how much I want you I just want to love you and I don’t care about anything else and please don’t tell me to love someone else when I don’t want too.” Jeanie tried to smile elevating some of the tension.

  “I’m not torn because of you and it’s not because of James. I love you both in very different ways. I don’t think either one of you could be happy with me or sometimes I think I would be better if I didn’t love either of you. I’m cursed and so far I think I’ve proved that. Deep in my heart I know I’m too broken to be fixed and no relationship no matter how much love anyone gives will ever change that….”

  “No matter what you think I will never give up on you and if this wretched event isn’t finished then we will see it through together” Jeanie starred back at the hopefulness in his gaze.

  “I’m going to have to tell James that I went half way around the world to find out that all my problems are still back at home.

  I don’t want you living half of a life with me just like I don’t want James to feel that because he said I do he’s eternally stuck with me.” John wrapped his arms around her waist and turned her around.

  “Jea this all changed that night I got shot didn’t it…didn’t it! We’ve been through so much and I want you to understand one thing I helped you because I want you to happy. But for my own selfish reasons it’s because I love you and would do anything for you. But I helped you because James was the reason that made you happy now if he isn’t I need to know.” Jeanie could pick her head up off the ground trying desperately to hold onto her coat for comfort. She felt cruel.

  “Those moments after you where shot have confused me more…but you have to realise…I’m not yours anymore…and you have to stop waiting for me it’s cruel and I don’t want to be cruel anymore,” Dragging his hands from her waist he placed them on either side of her cheeks. The pink rose shone through his gloves sparkling in the cold air.

  “You couldn’t be cruel if you tried and I understand what you’re trying to say but you love me and no matter what happens from this point Jeanie I’m not going to be able to forget that.

  But besides that what you’re doing now isn’t helping and blaming yourself or thinking that you’re cursed is not going to solve how you feel. It’s going to take time you or any of us don’t just get over what you have been through in five minutes. I just want you to know that I’m here for you and I understand…” Placing her hand in his they began the walk back to the cottage. Reaching home Jeanie pushed on the window of the back door.

  “I love you Jeanie Rutherford you’ll get through this I know you and when you do…I will be right beside you…” Kissing her softly on the cheek John disappeared around the side of the house.

  Jeanie didn’t feel any better for telling him, she didn’t feel any better coming home. Normality seemed further away now than before the war and knowing James was coming home made her feel worse.

  Dropping Jeanie back at off at the cottage made Irene feel sick, the thought of leaving her on her own didn’t sit comfortably.

  “Are you sure your going to be ok I can stay with you for another couple of days…”

  “You know I have to do this on my own I need routine, normality and James is due tomorrow.” Irene nodded close to tears letting go of her daughters hand had been the hardest action she’d ever had to take.

  Watching her family leave Jeanie felt a weight off her shoulders, the last couple of weeks had been tough and at least for now her every move wasn’t being observed by every member of her family.

  Jeanie sat on the settee watching the fire burn down; the anticipation of James being home made Jeanie feel sick. Wanting and not wanting him had sent her into turmoil on more than one occasion. Jeanie sat questioning why she put herself through a war to find him especially when it had all been lies.

  Lying in bed Jeanie looked at his pillow, the last time they had been at home together had been magical now it just felt like someone else’s life. Listening to the wind howl around the cottage Jeanie checked every window and door. “No point worrying now Jea you wanted him home this is what you did it for.”

  Standing at the kitchen sink she wiped the same plate several times over before putting it away. Jeanie felt nauseous and hearing the kitchen door open Jeanie nearly threw up.

  “Morning my darling I’ve brought the left over from the shoot yesterday thought you might need them…What’s wrong my dear you look white as a sheet, “Jeanie looked at George and then back at the door, “..Hello Jeanie…” James stood in full uniform with a box under his arm.

  “I’ll be off then give my love to the little un…nice to see you lad,” George shook James hand at the back door and as it slammed shut Jeanie jumped.

  “Jeanie is Jayne here…” The noise grew louder and Jeanie just starred not knowing what to do. Snapping back into reality Jeanie ran into the box room. James stood at the back door just as nervous.

  “I tried to tell you I tried to write several times I didn’t know what to do...” James placed his cap on the counter as Jeanie juggled the little girl. “Jeanie who’s is the baby….” Jeanie clenched hold tightly of the baby girl who was dressed all in white, her little rosy cheeks red as she cried, “James this is Elizabeth Watson…she’s your daughter…” James staggered to the back door, “My daughter I have a daughter”

  “The night before you left…I found out I was pregnant a few weeks after James I tried….I didn’t know how to…” James hesitantly stepped forward, “Can I hold her. I mean will she let me.” Jeanie nodded wiping the tears away on her sleeve.

  “Hello Elizabeth…Jeanie she’s beautiful...” Jeanie looked at the pair together, she looked so much like him and as she tried to regain composure James sat at the table, “Jeanie why didn’t you tell me?”

  “Because I received a telegram saying there was a possibility that you where dead.” Elizabeth sat and gurgled happily on James’s knee

  “You left her for me…you left everything that was safe to find me. Jeanie look at me please I don’t want to fight I just want you to tell me…tell me its ok for me to stay.” Looking at James’s sincerity again made her feel guilty, “I came to find you because I couldn’t give up. I had to believe that there was a happily ever after if not for me for Elizabeth. I couldn’t think about her because she broke my heart and every time I look at her I see you.”

  “There’s more to this tale then what you’re telling me isn’t there.” James clung onto the infant feeling like his soul had been handed back to him.

  “I know you read my journal and I experienced some very dark days over there but I never stopped loving you. I stopped understanding who I was. I mean what kin
d of mother leaves their child…the guilt I feel the unquestionable amount of guilt I feel includes looking for you and my motives. I know you’re going to ask about John and yes I do have feelings for him I can’t help that.

  I just feel there’s something still hiding out there waiting for me and… and I feel like I am too broken…I’m too broken to be able to be loved by anyone not even Elizabeth. ” Tears rolled down James’s face, clinging to Elizabeth he stood and walked to Jeanie

  “I want to love you forever Jeanie and I don’t care if you feel broken I want to love you enough to take away the pain. Your actions everything you did to find me speaks volumes about the type of person you are. You’ve been through so much already that I wouldn’t expect you to forget about it. But we have a baby, we could have a good life and if you just let me love you we could see if we can work this out together I’ve not come this far to loose you…..I can’t.” Jeanie took hold of Elizabeth and cradled her in her arms, his tears washed over her.

  “I feel like I’ve let you and Elizabeth down.” James run his fingers through her hair and kissed her forehead.

  “Don’t ever say that you have done more for me and Elizabeth than what you could know. I’m standing here with you now free and my daughter has a father. I have never been as proud of you as I am today.”

  “I feel like poison James, I feel like my whole life has been cursed and you and John are caught up in the nightmare it’s become.”

  “Jeanie you are my world and by leaving you you’re asking me to leave everything I love and hold dear to me. I hear because I want to spend the rest of my life making you happy. You deserve happiness Jeanie and I’m asking for you to let me provide it. John loves you. I have had to come to terms with that. But if you’re asking what sets us apart. He could never love you the way I love you. He could never want you the way I want you and he could never loose himself completely in you the way I’m lost with you.”