Losing You: a prequel to It's Not Over

by Melissa M. Marlow

  The sound of my sorrow came out in a groan, “No Jess. This can’t be happening, you didn’t need to leave. A fucking year?”

  Matt voice cracked, “A Year?”

  Completely devastated I held up the letter yelling at Matt, “That’s what is says!”

  He shook his head in disbelief as I continued to read.

  As far as where I am going? Well, at the time I needed to find a place where the pain was greater than my own from missing you. I found it! And now the pain of being away from you will engulf me once again

  Falling to my knees to pray that this wasn’t happening. My body grew numb: it felt the same as the day Anne died right in front of me.

  I am sorry, Paul. For leaving, for not being able to face you and most of all for the pain that is to come. Understanding what we mean to each other I am sure I will not be the only one walking in darkness for the next year.

  A sob escaped me when I realized that she’s right I will walk in total darkness for the next year. Going into autopilot I got up even though my entire body shook from the adrenaline trying to pump life back into my veins. I had to stop her, there had to be a clue, a way to stop her, a way prevent this torture.

  Glancing at Matt for answers, but his face filled with pity. The day my parents brought me to the psychiatrists Matt had that hopeless look on his face. He put out his hand for the note so I handed it over to him with hope that he would find a clue of how to stop her from leaving.

  Rushing around my room I grabbed a few things shoving them into a bag then headed towards the door. Matt yelled from my room, “Oh my god, Paul. What happen?”

  I had no idea what happen. Why she’d leave after agreeing to marry me. I ran out the door, “I need to stop her.”

  He followed right out the door, stopping for a second to check that the doors locked, “How? We don’t know where she is going.”

  Starting with the most obvious I confirmed, “Her dorm.”

  This time I didn’t argue that he wanted to drive. Lost in my own head with the idea of not seeing her for a year I couldn’t see the road threw the tears. He drove fast to the dorm making me thankful. I ran up to her room and knocked frantically. Karlie answered the door sleepily, “Paul, Matt, what are you doing here?”

  “Is Jess here?”

  “No, she packed all her stuff on Friday and didn’t plan on coming back. She’s supposed to be with you.”

  I shook my head, “Did she say where she’s going?”

  “No. She had personal issues and that’s when I noticed her hanging out with Iaesha.”

  “Who is Iaesha?”

  “This strange girl that’s into volunteering to help people in troubled countries.”

  A cool sensation moved through my body as I realized she’s leaving, leaving. More like far away from me. If I wanted to change this outcome I had to get to her before she left, “Where is Iaesha’s dorm?”

  Karlie grabbed a robe and joined my pursuit down the stairs. We knocked and knocked and finally someone came to the door, “What is it?”

  Karlie addressed her, “What are you doing here?”

  “What do you mean? I go to school here.”

  “Where is Jessica?”

  “She has to be on a flight this morning.”

  This nightmare got worse and worse. Blood rushed to my hands, which grew into fists. I wanted to hit this girl in the face but Karlie prodded more, “I thought you were going with Jess.”

  “No, I’m not going. I help from here. I get recruits and sign them up to go help.”

  Anger pounded hard against my head. Moving closer to her, “Where is she going?”

  “South America!”

  My blood pumped hard in my veins. So close to losing it completely I forced myself to hold it together so I could pry for more info, “Where in South America?”

  The glare I got triggered my anger. My hands fisted, but the only movement was my eyebrow with a questioning rise.

  She shrugged, “How am I supposed to know? They don’t tell me those things.”

  Having to get away from her before I punched her in the face I took off at a full run. I had to stop her from leaving; I had to get to her first.

  Karlie yelled after me, “Paul, I’m sorry.”

  Getting in the truck I ordered Matt, “Go to Jess’s house.”

  “What?”

  “Head to her house.”

  “But… She’s not here?”

  How do I explain this one, “She thinks she has to go to South America. She signed up for something and she is heading to the airport but I bet she won’t leave without saying goodbye to her mom and dad. We’d catch her there.”

  Thankfully he took off and headed to the cities. Two and a half hour drive of misery; wondering how he would cope without her for a full year. Repeatedly he wished she’d told me about this situation. She says she loves me and she didn’t want to leave, but felt helpless. Remembering how I had asked about this without knowing and her avoidance on telling me. After my process of the way things had progressed I yelled out, “Damn it!”

  “What?”

  I closed my eyes as the pain poured out. The words fell from my mouth, “I sensed she had a problem, but every time I brought it up she’d cry. I didn’t want to upset her so I dropped it. I should have…”

  “Don’t blame yourself, Paul. She has always done things the wrong way. I don’t want to sound mean, but she drives you crazy with her ways of manipulating it so that what she thinks is best for you.”

  “No! I’m wrong. What I did to her over the last few years, wrong. Did she say anything else?”

  “Yeah, I am supposed to make sure you don’t do anything stupid to yourself. I’m also supposed to take care of you so when she comes back you will still be here.”

  I shook my head, and held it in my hands, “Please go faster.”

  He laughed, “Call her dad. Do they know what she is doing?”

  “I don’t think so.” When I pulled out my phone I noticed the ring still on my pinky. With a promise to Jess I kissed it and then dialed Theo.

  “Hey kid. It’s way too early in the day, so what’s up with you?”

  “Jess, left.”

  “What?”

  “She is going to South America. Don’t let her leave.”

  “What?”

  “If she shows up there don’t let her leave.”

  “Slow down. Explain this to me.”

  “I’d explain if I…” I started to cry and handed my phone to Matt. Explaining this to Theo I’d have to admit she left me.

  I listened to Matt explain everything we learned while I collected myself. When he finished explaining I got on the phone in time to hear him take a deep breath, “Okay son. Just hurry.”

  I hung up the phone and stared out the window going through everything in my mind. Her face kept reappearing as I watched her smile, her pleasure, and her eyes as the sparkled in the candle light. Everything I researched to make sure she’d never want anyone else to touch her the way I did, and it didn’t compare to the real thing. We’re perfect together with the pleasure the desires and fitting so right. Why didn’t she just tell me right away? I could have stopped this from happening. We’re supposed to be planning our future not time apart.

  Jessica

  As I drove home the tears continued to stream down my face. Short on time I wouldn’t be able to argue with mom and dad, so I had to find a ride to the airport to avoid a long explanation. Also if Paul showed up they wouldn’t be able to lead him to me

  “Jess?”

  “Hey, Greg, I need a favor.”

  “What is up?”

  “I need a ride to the airport. Can you meet me at my house at 5:45?”

  “Am or pm?”

  “Like in a half hour.”

  “Where are you going?”

  “Um, remember how isolated I had been when I broke up with Paul?”

  He answered with caution, “Yes.”

  “Well I decided that I w
ould go somewhere the pain is deeper than my own. I signed up for it last November, but I need a ride to the airport. Can you do it?”

  “Yeah, I’ll just throw on some clothes. Pick you up in a few.”

  “Thanks.”

  I pulled into the driveway and ran inside with my bags. Dad stopped me in the kitchen, “What are you doing home?”

  Still full of tears I demanded, “I have to go dad.”

  As I pushed by him mom stood second in line, “You need to explain what you’re doing.”

  “If only I had time. I’m supposed to be there by 6 am.” I pushed by them and they followed. I dug for summer clothes and stuffed them in my bag.

  Dad sounded concerned, “Where are you going?”

  Stopping for a second I turned to him, “I had to go where the pain is worse than mine, dad. When Paul didn’t show up at the cabin I agreed to go and it’s like the military. Once you sign up you don’t change your mind.”

  Mom asked, “So you tried to change your mind?”

  “Yes. I went to the administration office and talked to someone but they essentially told me I had to go. Because I signed a document before they purchased the airfare it’s final. I’m going.” Everything that I hoped for lost to this commitment I lost it entirely as the tears streamed out now. Mom and dad eased up on the lecture. In fact they tried to console me but there isn’t time for this. I hugged and kissed them both.

  Mom cried, “You agreed to marry Paul?”

  I nodded while trying to stop crying. Wiping my face swiftly but the tears came faster and harder. I pushed pass them with my bag in hand barking my orders, “I won’t be able to call or get in touch with you for the first month. After that I’m not sure how it will work, but I will try as soon as I can. I hugged each of them again and kissed them saying my goodbyes, but looking out the front window I didn’t see Greg yet.

  The phone rang and dad went to answer it. “Yeah, kid she is here… No, we can’t stop her… She tried and it’s not possible… Of course I believe her… yes, of course.” He held the phone out for me. I shook my head as the tears were flowing harder, “Please, dad I can’t.”

  He held the phone out for me, “You said you would marry him. He deserves an explanation.”

  Refusing didn’t work. Dad raised his eyebrows, “I know what happened between you two.”

  I grabbed the phone sobbing, “What?”

  “Jess, why are you leaving?”

  “I don’t have… a choice… the day at the admin’s… office I asked… you were waiting… I gave into you… I love you…”

  “But why did you agree to go?”

  “Because you didn’t show up at the cabin.”

  With anger in his voice, “Is this a payback?”

  I screamed at him, “No. I love you! There is no choice I’m going. I agreed a long time ago, because my heart hurt.”

  “Jess, just don’t go. We can figure this out.”

  “Paul, we have to let go now.”

  I handed the phone back to dad and hastily kissed his cheek again. Moving to mom I hugged and kissed her cheek, “I will get a hold of you as soon as I can.”

  Dad put the phone to his face again to talk to Paul. Regret and pain filled every part of my body so hearing his voice dug the pain deeper. Letting my dad know I whispered, “I do love him.”

  I ran out the door to Greg’s truck. I through my bags in the truck and got in the front seat. He looked at me and put out his hand for me. I took his hand in mine clasping it tightly and cried my eyes out all the way to the airport. He didn’t say a word because he understood how much I loved Paul.

  Paul:

  “Theo, don’t let her go. Please don’t let her leave. I am almost there. I need to understand.”

  “Paul, she said she tried and they wouldn’t let her back out. She is going out the door.”

  “No, please don’t let…”

  Grasping for anything I begged, “I’m afraid she won’t come back.”

  “Paul, calm down. Just get here.”

  I hung up the phone pleading with Matt to go faster. Unlike Matt he drove like a mad man, but she’s slipping through my fingers and there’s nothing to stop it from happening.

  Jumping out of the car as he pulled into the driveway I ran in the house grabbing Theo’s shirt begging, “Where did she go?”

  “South America.”

  “No, what airport? I need to stop her.”

  He grabbed my arms, “You can’t stop her. She has to go.”

  “NO! She is mine now. I’m going to stop her from leaving. She is going to marry me. Theo she said yes!”

  Tears blurred my eyesight but I made a mad dash to her room. Digging through her drawers pulling things out letting them clutter the floor, but nothing. Her desk as neat as always only disrupted with my panic shuffling of the papers searching for a clue. The contents of her bag from school dumped on her bed I grabbed and tossed items looking for information. Nothing to be found I made my way outside to her car. Under her seat, in her glove box, and her trunk but not a thing with what airport she’s scheduled to depart. She must have left something that would tell me what her flight number is. There’s nothing. I ran back in the house but stopped as they waited for my return. The sympathetic eyes on all three of their faces are hard to face so I made my way to her room again. Believing that my efforts are a lost cause I stared at her room in bewilderment. How did I let this happen, let her lose her control to where she assumed this is her only route? She should have told me what was going on, there had to be a loop hole in the document that she signed. My hand found her sweat shirt so I pulled it to my face falling to my knees. Falling to the floor I leaned against her bed putting the sweet shirt over my face. As if smelling her would bring her back to me. The memory of making love to her repeated in my mind. How our love had been so perfect.

  “Paul, son, what are you doing?”

  I lowered her sweatshirt enough to look at him, “She destroyed everything, all my pictures of us together. She left the ring that was on her finger last night, and the phone. I can’t even call her.”

  “You gave her a ring?”

  “Yes! Damn it. She said yes. She agreed to marry me.” I shook my head and put the sweatshirt over my face again.

  He came and sat down on the bed putting his hand on my shoulder.

  “I waited for her and she waited to be with me. She is the only girl I have ever… We were going to get married.”

  He put his hand on my shoulder and walked out leaving me here to sulk in my misery. I got a rush of excitement and ran out, “Matt, take me to the airport. I have to find her.”

  The phone rang and we all turned to it at the same time knowing it would be her. Theo walked over and picked it up saying hello. He looked right at me and held the phone out to me.

  Cradling the phone into my neck like it was her I pleaded, “Jess, oh my god. Please tell me where you are, I will come get you?”

  “No, Paul, not this time.”

  “Jess, tell me what I am supposed to do?”

  “You need to let me go.”

  “No! I love you.”

  “Paul, I’ve always loved you and I always will. Bye Paul.”

  “No, please don’t hang up, Jess. Just tell me where you are. Why are you doing this?”

  “So it will be easier.”

  “What will be easier? Revenge Jess for all the times I stood you up. I told you that I waited for you too. What we shared.” What I wanted to talk about couldn’t be said aloud with her dad right behind me.

  “No. So it will be easier to get through this, because no matter how bad I want to stay with you I can’t. I did try Paul, I truly did. You need to let me go now even though I don’t want to go.”

  “Jess, please don’t do this.”

  “Paul, the pain will last six months and then it will fade and you will forget.”

  “I will never forget you, Jess. I am in love with you and after this weekend how come you didn’t tell
me about this?”

  “Paul, I couldn’t stand to see the pain on your face. It would have been harder for me, because I experienced it too, and now it will burn a whole in my heart being away from you.”

  “I already lost one person that I loved; please don’t do this to me.”

  “I am not doing this to you, Paul. Don’t you see I am trying to make it easier for you? I only got rid of the pictures so that you wouldn’t be reminded of me over and over again as you viewed them. That’s what made it hard for me. I am so sorry for this Paul. I love you.”

  “Then don’t go. I will take care of it.”

  “You can’t. Not this time, Paul. The decision was made back in November.”

  “When I didn’t show up at the cabin on time?”

  “Yes.”

  “Oh, Jess, why didn’t you tell me? I would’ve dropped everything for you.”

  “But you didn’t, Paul. Like always you’d expect me to understand and that is why I expect you to understand this.”

  “Jess, I had no idea that it was so painful for you. Please tell me where you are going?”

  “You are kidding me. You didn’t know I was miserable. I begged and pleaded with you to spend time with me. I was dying inside and you continued to keep doing it. I loved you, Paul, more than anything in this world and I still do.”

  “Jess, please. I am begging. You understand that? I am begging you to stay.”

  “That choice was taken away from me. Just remember that I tried to break the contract. Please forgive me, Paul. This is it Paul they are boarding.”

  “No, Jess. I promise I will never hurt you again.”

  “It’s not an option anymore.”

  “Yes, you have a choice. Don’t you dare hang up that phone, Jess, or… or I will never forgive you.”

  She started to cry and I knew I hurt her more than I ever had in the past. I begged, “Please, Jess.”

  “Paul?”

  “Yes.”

  “Please tell me you didn’t mean that.”

  “Jess, NO! I’m desperate; please tell me where you are going? I will follow you.”