Be A Doll

by Stephanie Witter

  “Does he know?’’

  Her green eyes got bigger and she shook her head vehemently, eyeing other tables around us as if to ensure nobody was listening. “Of course not. I was a gangly kid when we met for the first time and he’s never seen me like a woman. I’m the little sister of his best friend. It’s not going to change.’’

  “You don’t know that.’’ I frowned at her defeated face and the sadness I saw reflected in her eyes. “It’s true that Mathis is quite the obstacle and would very well hinder a relationship between you and Chance, but if you can’t forget him and you’re unhappy in this situation, you should do something. I’m not saying Chance will fall in your arms, but at least you’ll know for sure.’’

  “Right,’’ she said and laughed humorlessly. “I’ve never went out of my way to call the guy or meet up with him and I should just walk up to him and give him my heart on a platter so he can give me his charming smile and a speech on how he sees me like a kid, his best friend’s sister and nothing else.’’

  “You have no idea what he’d say or how he’d react. You could get your heart broken, but don’t you think it’s best to get your heart broken once and move on rather than being stuck on a guy for years and failing at every relationship you have because he’s the one in your heart? If he’s still in your heart after all this time, it means a small part of you holds onto hope. At some point in life you have to make decisions.’’

  “I knew you’d say that.’’ Her eyes went to her hot chocolate that probably wasn’t that hot anymore. “I’m so scared.’’

  “Of course you are. You care.’’ I forced a smile on my face when all I felt was disconnected and worried for her. Mostly, I felt disconnected. I had never had that kind of fear, or concern in my life. I never had the kind of love Megan felt, I never had a man I held on a pedestal because the few times I had let myself feel something when I was younger, they only wanted me for sex or to manipulate me. My heart had not been broken, but it cracked a bit. My heart was damaged and my current situation wouldn’t solidify it. I knew it like I knew my life was on the fast track to explode in my face, to leave me with wounds so deep I wouldn’t know how to heal them.

  “What about Mathis?’’

  “Mathis?’’ I pursed my lips and took a sip of coffee to stall and settle my nerves at the mere mention of my husband. “Chance won’t breathe a word to him. Not yet, anyway. Right now, you shouldn’t think of other people. It’s not about Mathis, after all. It’s your life. Yours and nobody else’s.’’

  “And if Chance breaks my heart?’’

  “Then you call me and we have a girl’s night, something I’ve never had, might I add.’’ I smiled at her and it wasn’t as stiff as before. “No matter what, you’ll have an answer and you deserve that.’’

  She nodded, but it didn’t look like she was sure. “It’d be easier if he was a man I wouldn’t cross paths with regularly.’’ Her turned down mouth twisted in repulsion. “I’m going to humiliate myself.’’

  “Of course you won’t!’’ I gently tapped on the back of her hand holding her hot chocolate. “It’s not because you’re taking your situation in your own hands that you’re going to humiliate yourself. If he doesn’t respect your feelings he’s not the man you thought him to be.’’

  She blew out some air and straightened in her chair, visibly steeling herself. It was easy to pick out the cracks in her armor, but she slowly went back to her usual self right before my eyes and it made me feel good to know I was of some help in doing so.

  “I’m going to do this.’’ She gulped the last of her hot chocolate as if it was hard liquor and put down the empty mug with more strength than necessary. “Today. I should do this today because the man appears to always be with some amazon of a woman on the weekends.’’ She cringed at that part. “Thank you again, Lila.’’

  “You’re welcome.’’

  We both stood up and when Megan hugged me, a smile, warm and sincere, stretched my lips upward. I returned her hug and ignored the foreign feeling in my arms at the movement and instead enjoyed the sudden familial tie that seemed to bind me to her.

  “I need to catch Chance for his lunch break,’’ she said and pulled back. I caught a spark of apprehension in her bright green eyes, but nothing I thought would stop her.

  “You should go now then. Good luck and let me know how it goes.’’

  She nodded and waved at me after thanking me for paying for the coffee and her hot chocolate. I watched her retreating figure through the wide window of the coffee shop and wished my worries could be tamed as easily and quickly as Megan’s.

  One look down to my left hand and the gleaming ring on my finger was a constant reminder of the kind of mess I was stuck in, the kind of mess I buried myself in a little more every day.

  ***

  MATHIS

  “Thank you,’’ my mother said distractedly as the waiter put her meal in front of her and promptly left once I took on myself to pour us a glass of sparkling water when I found he took too long to put down two plates. My patience ran thin, quite like every day, but today a restlessness made me unsure of how long I could last without blowing someone’s head off.

  “Good choice on the restaurant,’’ I said in approbation upon tasting the first bite of my salmon perfectly cooked and with just the right amount of lemon to the sauce that made my taste buds dance.

  Her eyes briefly widened before she took a small bite of her clams. I watched the fork shaking madly in her dainty grip as her perfectly manicured hands, unsteady, screamed her emotional state. The next bite of my salmon tasted like ash in my mouth then.

  “Mom,’’ I breathed out and put down my cutlery and clenched my hands into tight fists on either side of the white plate full of what had just been making me salivate, but now only repulsed me.

  The wary expression on her face was a punch, a right hook straight to my gut. I put that expression on my mother’s face and I would beat myself up to a pulp if it were possible. Lila’s words came back to me, reminding me what I put my mother through, how I never seemed able to close the gap between us.

  “You look tired,’’ she pointed out gently, her voice full of concern for me when I didn’t deserve it.

  “A lot is happening these days.’’ I gave the restaurant a cursory look and nodded when I recognized a high-ranked employee at a company GM Enterprises had hired regarding an ad campaign. The man wearing a suit too tight at his growing gut nodded back before his lunch companion caught his attention again. That prompted me to focus on my mother again. “Mom, I invited you for lunch because I need to… hm… apologize.’’ I rubbed at my temple then, starting to want to fidget like a damn child ready to admit doing something bad to his parents. I was a thirty-two-year-old man who was sweating from nerves apologizing for being an ass to his mother. It wasn’t exactly the kind of image people had when my name was said in a conversation.

  The welling tears in her eyes that she chased away by blinking quickly several times and sipping her water didn’t help my nerves or the weight settling over my chest, pressing down until taking a single breath became painful. The small wrinkles on her face deepened right before my eyes as she breathed in deeply.

  “It means a lot, mon garçon. Thank you.’’

  “I didn’t say the words yet, Mom.’’

  “You don’t have to. I know…’’ she trailed off then and patted my hand closed into a fist, just once. It wasn’t long enough to make me uncomfortable, but it was long enough to give me a reminder of what it was like to have someone loving you without conditions, even when you didn’t deserve it. “I know it’s not easy for you, Mathis.’’

  “It’s not because it’s not easy that I shouldn’t make the effort. You deserve an apology.’’ I frowned down at my plate, probably mostly cold now. “Lila made me realize that I hurt you. Constantly. It wasn’t my intention to, so I’m sorry. I…’’ I cursed myself under my breath for lacking words when I needed them, for not knowing how to ap
ologize for everything when I didn’t know who I was anymore and what I did or didn’t do for all these years. I didn’t know how to forget myself and put myself in someone else’s shoes when it had nothing to do with Max or me.

  “I know you are,’’ she said, helping me even now with her soft smile that nearly made me want to avoid her sweet look when pinpricks started in my eyes, telling me that I could very well end up bawling like a small boy now.

  Lila had opened up a well of emotions I had locked up for almost two decades. It was bound to get ugly and ruin me.

  “I don’t know how to be… how to be a son anymore.’’

  Her thin lips painted in a nude lipstick started to tremble as she put a hand on top of mine and squeezed. “It’s all right, mon chéri, I’m your mother. A mother always guides her child, and I hope you’ll let me. I worry about you.’’

  For most people it’s very simple to open your hand and hold someone else’s hand, but to me doing just that was impossibly hard. I did it anyway and took hold of my mother’s smaller hand. Immediately, her warmth invaded me, but it also awakened the guilt I felt for enjoying that simple mother/son moment when her other son died. I felt guilty for allowing me that moment, but the smile, happy and relieved, she gave me made me stay put. I let everything flow through me and I kept my eyes on hers. I let her see what’s going through me and I watched as a few tears finally escaped her neatly made up eyes, ruining her makeup in parts where the salty drops fell down until they got lost on the dark sleeves of her elegant blazer.

  “Lila is good for you. I hope you know that.’’

  I smirked then and pulled back, putting an end to whatever this was. I couldn’t talk about my wife when I was emotionally weakened, not after what happened last night. In fact, upon thinking about it, I couldn’t speak about Lila without forcing distance with other people around me since she entered my life. She had immediately touched a part of me I had ignored for a long time and it was difficult to deal with that.

  “Lila is—‘’

  “Don’t say she’s temporary, Mathis,’’ she stopped me and discreetly dabbed under her eyes with her napkin before straightening once again in her chair and finishing her glass of water. “I see the way you look at her when you’re around her. You’re different with her even if you’re trying to hide it.’’

  “Mom,’’ I sighed and ran a hand along my shaved jaw, feeling the beginning of stubble rasping under the pulp of my fingers. “What you saw was probably something a lot less romantic than what is running through your mind. Lila is a beautiful woman, don’t read anything more into it.’’ My stomach twisted into knots at my own words as if my damn body rebelled against what I said. I’d have a good laugh if I weren’t so confused. As if I could want anything other than fucking my wife, as if I felt something other than fascination for her, a fascination that stemmed from my own fucked up way of living my life, not from the start of new mushy feelings.

  “If you think I can’t make the difference when you look at a woman with desire and another one who truly holds something more, I think you’re mistaken.’’ I frowned at my mother, but she didn’t stop there. “You keep me at arm’s length so I must be all the more attentive to every sign when I’m around you if I don’t want to feel completely out of your life.’’

  Other than being quite disgusted at the thought of my mother being privy to some of my depraved thoughts when staring at a woman, being aware of how much she knew me, a lot better than I would have thought considering my behavior toward her, made me eager to pull back and leave, but I just apologized. I had to stay put. I had to be a man, not a damn boy plagued by grief and guilt rendering me emotionally paralyzed.

  “She confuses me, but she and I, we both know what it’s all about. Feelings aren’t a part of this marriage.’’

  “Are you trying to convince yourself?’’

  “You’re delusional if you think an arranged marriage based on money and business and some other fucked up things could ever change into something genuine.’’ I looked away then when I knew my stare turned to ice and my frown deepened. I didn’t want her to think the anger surging inside me had anything to do with her. The anger I experienced had everything to do with me and how lost I was when I was around Lila. “Lila wants to fulfill her duty and then go away. Bank a few well-earned millions and live her life. That’s all there is to all of this.’’

  “If you’re sure,’’ she said skeptically and started eating again as if the discussion was closed and she didn’t really care, but I saw through her front. She didn’t push me knowing full well that it was the best if she didn’t want to make me run in the opposite direction. No, her sight was set and nothing I could say would change her mind and honestly, I didn’t see myself telling her how the sex was out of this world and that the fire I saw in Lila made me burn hotter than I ever thought possible. I didn’t see myself telling her that my wife confused me so much that she rattled my whole well-built world until I second-guessed everything I had ever done and acquired since Max passed away.

  So I did the only thing left to do. I grabbed my fork and knife and ate my now cold salmon and the asparagus risotto accompanying it.

  LILA

  Where are you?

  I glared at the text message on my phone and didn’t touch the screen until it went back to black. I didn’t want to answer him. It was still early and he was probably at work so I didn’t understand why he wanted to know where I was all of a sudden. Next thing he’d ask what I was doing too, not because he cared, but because it made himself feel in control again, something he probably had a hard time with since last night and how he broke down. I wouldn’t play into his game and let him use me for his sick need of control. It went beyond my role as his hired wife. I had to remember where my place was if I didn’t want to make things more difficult for me.

  Instead, I went back to my Kindle and took another sip of hot chocolate, sighing when the heat spread through me. I had had no idea how sweet and comforting it was to drink hot chocolate when bundled inside a cozy coffee shop and reading a good and steamy book.

  A few pages later, my phone buzzed on the table, the screen coming back to life to announce another text message from my husband. I eyed the phone and pondered what I should do; finish that incredibly sexy chapter or read the text. Usually, the book would have won, but the draw I felt whenever Mathis was concerned only made it that much harder to hold off and keep both of my hands on my Kindle.

  Rolling my eyes at my own stupidity and lack of self-control, I reached for my iPhone and opened the text with a frown so pronounced I was sure it’d leave pre-mature wrinkles on my forehead and between my brows.

  You don’t want to test me. Not today.

  Did he really think that made me want to answer him? Actually, the sad part was I wanted to answer him, not because he scared me and I was afraid he’d hurt me, physically speaking, but because he drove me positively insane. I couldn’t just ignore that man or say nothing to his provocation. It had been that way from the very first time I had met him and it didn’t look like it’d ever change.

  Am I questioning you regarding your job? Stop texting me unless it’s important.

  His answer came but a few seconds later without surprise. I still had my phone in my hand, my Kindle forgotten on the small table I was sitting at and my hot chocolate getting cold fast.

  I think you’re the one constantly playing with me, driving me crazy until I can’t stand it.

  I frowned at the screen, unsure of what type of answer he expected from me. I wasn’t playing, but I was stuck in his life where when he pushed, I pushed back as hard if not harder than he did. He was the one toying with me and right now I bet the game was switching, changing just a little bit, but enough to throw him for a loop and send me into my usual default setting; self-protection by shielding myself.

  Look up, little wife.

  My frown disappeared at that new text and my spine straightened at once until I was sitting ramrod stra
ight in the chair matching no other in the small coffee shop. The hair at the back of neck stood straight and dreadfully, I looked up.

  Sure enough, on the other side of the partially fogged up bay window stood Mathis holding his phone in one hand while his other one was hidden inside the pocket of his black coat. Upon staring at him you wouldn’t believe that the cold front outside had any effect on him when every other person walking by were shivering in their thick coats and scarves. Mathis only stood proudly on the sidewalk, his dark eyes boring into my wide eyes. I bet the cold didn’t bother him because of his affection for cold behavior. He could easily chill a room with only a well-placed frown and glare.

  I rummaged through my purse to get my wallet, put down a few bills to cover the hot chocolate and a nice tip and threw my Kindle in my purse and pocketed my phone in my coat as I stood up. And still, Mathis didn’t move one inch. He kept on staring at me, unyielding and serious, his cheeks just a tiny bit pinker than usual from the cold. So, in the end, cold truly affected him.

  Without so much as a polite parting word with the waitress who bid me goodbye, I left my temporary sanctuary and walked to my husband who finally moved to make sure he’d face me instead of the coffee shop I just exited.

  “Is there a tracking app on my phone?’’ I asked as soon as I was close enough to speak to him without yelling. I stopped then and buttoned my coat without looking if I did it right, because in all honesty I didn’t care. For once, I didn’t care of what I looked like or what other people would think upon seeing me. All of my attention was fixed onto that impossible man I often wanted to strangle.

  “No.’’

  “I don’t believe you. We’re in Manhattan! You can’t possibly stumble on someone when that person doesn’t even have any habits in that city yet.’’ I shook my head and glared at him harder when I saw the first sign of his infuriating smirk. “And you’re supposed to be at work right now. It’s barely four pm.’’