“You know,’’ he started and sat back in his chair, making no effort in hiding his stomach, “before I saw you walking in with your lovely wife I was sure I wouldn’t see your feelings for her. In fact, I’ll admit that I had my doubts about this marriage.’’
My hands in my lap under the table clenched, but I made sure to keep my smirk on my face even though annoyance rose. “I’m sure you had someone whispering in your ear to make you doubt it.’’
“Ah, Mr. Hartmann,’’ Tober nodded and frowned. “You can’t blame him for being envious of your success. You’re a decade younger and more successful than he will ever be.’’ He checked the time on his watch before staring at me again. “But I shouldn’t have let him feed my doubts regarding your private life. I’m glad you proved me wrong.’’
Our waiter put down the bill hidden in a leather sleeve. I didn’t wait and snatched it to slide my credit card inside and gave our waiter the sleeve before he could leave.
“I believe that the more people that meet my wife, the more my reputation will take a nosedive,’’ I said, forcing a chuckle when on the inside I didn’t find going for small talk and laid-back behavior easy. It went against everything I had grown up to be. Tonight, I had envisioned it as a dinner during which Lila and I would have perfectly staged our romance and union, but it appeared that I didn’t have to play act. She made it easy to let out feelings I had never thought I’d feel and never thought I would ever deserve to feel.
“On the contrary. You have a wife to make you proud. Everybody will know that you’ll want to give her the world.’’
“Here you go, sir. I hope your evening went well,’’ our waiter said, giving back my credit card with a slight bow as his eyes scanned me waiting for his tip.
“You can compliment the Chef,’’ Tober said as he meaningfully rubbed his large stomach just as I threw a bill for the waiter. The young man rubbed me the wrong way since I had caught him leering at Lila when we were waiting for the maître d’ to direct her to our table.
“I will. Thank you.’’ He then disappeared from view with his fat tip in hand.
“I’m surprised you didn’t broach the subject of my company,’’ Tober said after a few beats of silence.
“I was waiting for your opening.’’ I traced my lower lip with a finger, my eyes watching Tober who didn’t seem the least bit defensive contrary to the last time we had dinner together. Interesting. “Are you getting any closer to making a decision? I remember you saying you wanted to retire before the end of the year. We’re already in November.’’
“Always the good memory,’’ he said in a deep sigh as his eyes fixed me a little longer before he nodded. “I’m leaving for a few days, but let’s plan a meeting next Thursday morning. We’ll… fine tune a few things.’’
My heart didn’t skip a beat, my body didn’t buzz. I didn’t feel anything at the new development when I would have thought that after spending almost seven months courting Tober for his company that I would feel some excitement and pride at finally getting his company and getting ahead of Hartmann after all the lengths I went through, but I was calm.
“Does it mean that your company will be a part of GM Enterprises?’’
“Under a few conditions, of course. I want to protect a lifetime of labor.’’
“Of course. You know I value every employee.’’
He nodded and extended his hand as he stood up, shaking mine with a smile. “I know my company will be in good hands with you.’’
“I’m sorry,’’ Lila said, walking up to us and offering a tense smile at us as we both buttoned our suit jackets. “I hope you weren’t leaving without saying goodbye, Mr. Tober.’’ Her playful tone worked on the older man who laughed good-naturedly and showed some charming manner, if outdated, by bringing her hand to his lips for a kiss.
“My dear, I wouldn’t dare. I look forward to spending another lovely evening with you, but I’m afraid an old man like me needs his beauty sleep.’’ He turned to me again and nodded. “I’ll have my assistant contact yours to settle a time and venue for next Thursday.’’
“Perfect. Thank you.’’
I stared at the older man leaving. It only took one evening with Lila and me to convince him to let me buy his company. I knew seeing me as more than just the shark I was known in business would play in my favor, but I hadn’t expected it’d be that easy.
“Does it mean what I think?’’ Lila asked, her eyes still in the direction where Tober had disappeared to, his walk not as springing as it used to be. He had gained more weight and it must make things more difficult for him. I had heard rumors stating that he had bad health issues and I was starting to believe that maybe these rumors weren’t just rumors. It would also explain his sudden eagerness at letting me buy his company without delving deeper to make sure I wasn’t playing him to get what I wanted. I was known in the business world to be quite resourceful.
“It does.’’ I frowned when I saw Lila’s face. When she left for the ladies room she looked relaxed and had color in her cheeks, but now she seemed off. “What’s wrong?’’
She shook her head and started walking toward the front of the restaurant to get our coats back. I lengthened my steps and leaned down to her ear when we waited our turn to get our coats. It appeared that several patrons had decided to leave the restaurant at the same time.
“Lila, I know your phone rang at the table and that’s why you excused yourself. It was my sister and I have a right to know what’s going on.’’
She sighed and bit on her lip, not caring if she ruined her freshly applied lipstick. “She’s fine, Mathis. I would tell you if something was truly wrong.’’
“But there is something going on,’’ I pressed on and turned when a young woman gave me our coats, but I didn’t pay her much attention when her eyes tried to find mine in some flirtation that did nothing for me. Lila remarked the woman’s behavior though because she glared and quickly let me help put on her coat before stepping out without waiting for me. “Damn woman,’’ I muttered and forewent buttoning my coat and sidestepped some patrons to join my wife on the sidewalk. “You know I’m not going to let it go.’’
Her glare softened when her eyes met mine and she nodded in defeat. She pointed at Lucas waiting a few cars down for us leaning against the car on the phone. We started walking in silence toward him, catching his attention. He wrapped up his phone call right when we reached him and he opened the door for Lila to climb in the car.
“Good evening, Mr. Grimes?’’ he enquired, probably sensing the change between Lila and I from when he drove us to the restaurant.
“Yes. It appears that this dinner was a success. We’re going home now and you’ll be free to enjoy your weekend, Lucas.’’
“Thank you, sir,’’ he said and closed the car door once I was situated.
Jaw locked and eyes on my wife, I waited for her to say something while she toyed with her clutch in her lap, her eyes resolutely fixed in front of her. Lucas found his seat at the steering wheel and turned on the car, working on the heaters to warm the car for us and then started driving toward the apartment, but we wouldn’t get there for a little while. Friday night traffic was always a nightmare.
“Lucas, turn on some music.’’
He executed my demand immediately, and I saw Lila’s gaze falling to the radio before she turned her head toward me. She knew I was trying to give us a resemblance of privacy so she would start talking.
“I had coffee with Megan yesterday because she needed a girl talk.’’
“It’s about a man then,’’ I deduced and the implication made my stomach churn. I hated thinking of my little sister with a man or having trouble because of a dick.
“I won’t go into details because your sister trusts me and I won’t betray her, but yes it’s about a man. She has feelings for him and he said he doesn’t.’’
“Who is he?’’
She pursed her lips at me and shook her head. “Do you really t
hink I’m going to tell you? I already said too much.’’
“Lila—‘’
“No.’’ She held up a hand and effectively made me shut my mouth. “If you want to know more, be subtle about it and talk with your sister. I’m sure it’s been a really long time since you two had a real talk anyway.’’
My first inclination was to push, but I stopped myself when I saw the way her little chin jutted out in determination and the fire in her eyes warning me off, and drawing me in at the same time.
“Is she going to be fine? That you can tell me at least.’’
“She has her heart broken. What do you think it’s like?’’
“I have no clue,’’ I said more quietly, mostly to myself. I was thirty-two and I never had my heart broken. But I knew what death could do to you and it absolutely trampled me as a whole.
“Me neither, actually,’’ she said.
I stared at my wife then while she stared outside when our car left the traffic jam in the street before heading right into another one.
Shouldn’t she be allowed to experience everything her heart desired? Hadn’t she already gone through enough shit in her life?
Lead settled in my stomach as my heart started to crack for the very first time.
MATHIS
“Thank you for coming here, Mom,’’ I said as soon as I sat again in the Starbucks. I had called my mother just an hour ago after spending a sleepless night after having sex with my wife and she fell asleep. I didn’t think it possible to spend hours on end watching your spouse sleeping, but I was living proof that it was. I had her face committed to memory and the way she sometimes smiled in her sleep or frowned and how she sought me in slumber to cuddle into me before sighing in what could only be described as contentment before she was set for a heavier sleep against my chest.
Last night had only enforced what I already knew. It had also deepened the cracks in my heart. I was invisibly bleeding out on my own volition. It would probably be my first selfless act in a very, very long time.
“You’re welcome. But you could have picked a more charming place if you wanted to talk.’’ She looked around with a grimace. “It’s always busy at this hour and if it’s not it’s full of these authors or whatever they do on their laptops and you’re glared at for breathing too loud.’’
“It won’t take long.’’ I rubbed at my temples, aching from the lack of sleep. In fact, now that she truly looked at me her annoyance changed for concern. I saw the rings in the mirror when I got ready this morning and I hadn’t bothered shaving, something I didn’t do often.
“Is Lila all right? You two didn’t have a fight I hope.’’
“No, no.’’ I wrapped my hand around my coffee mug and with the other I pushed the one I got for my mother closer to her. She nodded her thanks, but kept quiet, giving me the time to sort through my thoughts before I talked. She’s always done that, giving me time and space. It took Lila to open my eyes to the kind of lengths my mother went for me, in everything. “She went to Megan’s. Apparently she has man trouble or something.’’
“I’m happy to see Lila and Megan getting close. Your sister has a hard time welcoming people in her life.’’
“Probably a trait she picked up from me growing up,’’ I grunted around a sip of coffee.
“Actually, I think it has more to do with your father’s demanding attitude toward her.’’ She got her phone out of her purse and put it face down on the table next to her, without a doubt making sure that she wouldn’t miss a call or message from her daughter if she needed some motherly comfort. “Now, tell me what’s wrong, mon garçon. This isn’t a social call. You look like you haven’t slept at all.’’
“I needed to talk to someone about this.’’ I rubbed at my temple again and then scratched at the scruff on my cheeks. “I don’t… easily confide in people.’’
“I know.’’ She smiled at me then, concern still on her face, but the unshed tears in her eyes told me how she felt that I wanted to talk to her. She was the only person I trusted talking about this and the other day Lila had made me open a door I had kept tightly shut for a very long time with my mother. It was time to test if the threshold was sturdy enough. I really needed to talk because I couldn’t keep this inside of me.
“Lila forced me to open my eyes regarding my life and how I lived it. She also helped me win over a man who was the main reason why I went to Carter Manor in the first place.’’ My throat became tighter. I cleared it and frowned down at my coffee mug. “I’m going to start a divorce procedure first thing on Monday.’’
“What?’’
The incredulity in her tone had my ears ringing, but I didn’t look up to see the disappointment I was sure to see.
“Don’t worry, because I’m the one breaking the contract we signed, she will be well compensated and I’m going to throw in other things to make sure she has what she needs to build herself a good life.’’
“Mathis, look at me.’’ She tugged on my hand laying flat on top of the table until I looked up and was met with concern on her face, a concern that deepened the crow’s feet around her eyes. “What are you doing? I thought you and Lila were doing better.’’
“We are.’’
“Then why do you want to divorce her? Mon garçon, I know this marriage is arranged, but with time you could—‘’
“I love her, Mom.’’
My damn heart wept inside my chest as my mother’s concern vanished for delight before confusion settled in. I had never said those words aloud when in reference to a woman. In all of my adult life, I had never said the word love aloud or thought about it. It wasn’t as difficult to say, but knowing that loving Lila didn’t mean I could keep her in my life, it made it that much harder to face the truth of my feelings for her.
I fell in love with my wife in a matter of days. I was still falling, knowing without a doubt that if I let it happen and if we gave it time it could become the kind of love that would last a lifetime. If only my feelings could be reciprocated.
I knew Lila liked me, but it wasn’t love and I had my doubts if what she liked about me had more to do about the amazing sex than me. How could she fall for the man who toyed with her mercilessly in the first few days of knowing her, a man she was basically forced to marry?
“I love her and I want to give her what she wants.’’ I looked down at my coffee mug again, frowning. Prickles in my eyes made it too hard to keep on fixing my mother. I had no idea how long I could last without humiliating myself with these crazy feelings threatening to pour out of me. Last night in the car, I said that I didn’t know what it’s like to get my heart broken. I knew now from my own doing and it hurt. “She wants a quiet life where she can start over. She deserves that, so I’m going to give it to her.’’
“You can give it to her, Mathis. You don’t have to divorce her for that.’’
“Don’t you think she deserves a life where she can pick her own man to love, Mom?’’ My frown deepened and I looked away, grimacing at the way my damn voice shook. Give me a meeting room with business sharks and I wouldn’t shake one bit, but when I put my heart on the table and laid it out there without protection and I was a mess. “She went through enough in her life. She deserves the kind of happiness she wants and it’s not something she can have by staying married to me.’’
“Mathis—‘’
“No,’’ I stopped her and stared at her, my eyes firm on her, but the agony I felt was apparent because soon enough she was dabbing her eyes with a paper napkin. “I love her, but I don’t want her to stay in my life because I selfishly want her to. It’s because I love her that I want her to be happy.’’ I laughed without humor. The sound like a knife was tearing open my chest. “Who would want the person they love married to them when your spouse doesn’t have the same feelings? I’d rather give her what she truly wants so she remembers me like this rather than making her miserable and she grew to dislike me or even resent me with every fiber of her being.’’
<
br /> “You’re making a mistake. Lila cares about you.’’ She balled the napkin where a few black stains from her makeup contrasted against the white of the paper.
“It doesn’t make it love.’’ I put my elbows on the table and covered my face with my hands. My fingers clawed at my skull through my hair. “I want her happy and I would be able to only give her the illusion of it, but she should experience everything she ever dreamed of,’’ I mumbled in my hands, each of my words cut through me. I didn’t think loving a woman could be this painful, so much so that it eclipsed the pain of the grief for my twin brother I still held onto.
“You deserve to be happy too. You look happy with her,’’ my mother said, her voice quivering.
I didn’t want to pull away from the cover my hands offered because I didn’t think I could see the tears in her eyes without breaking down and succumbing to the excruciating pain throbbing inside me. Crying like a fucking baby in public would be the last straw.
“She made me feel alive with emotions I had drowned for a long time.’’
“Maybe you could divorce, but date her for a while. You two could start over like a normal couple.’’
I shook my head and dropped my hands on the table after sitting straighter once I was sure I wouldn’t lamely break down. I took a deep breath and coaxed my control to contain all the feelings, all the pain inside of me for a little while longer.
“I called you because I needed to tell someone and because I’d like it if you could stay in touch with her. She has nobody and… I don’t want her to feel abandoned. You can’t change my mind, maman.’’
“You’re making a huge mistake, Mathis.’’
I closed my eyelids tight then and wished that Lila’s fire hadn’t been able to thaw the ice surrounding my heart, but it was too late now. She breathed life through my veins, filled me with warmth and knocked some sense into me so the least I could do was to give what her heart desired.
Even if it broke my stupid heart.
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