Even if she took with her my newfound light.
Even if losing her would break me all over again.
***
LILA
I closed the door behind me and dropped the keys in the wide pot colliding with Mathis’ keys. I quickly took off my coat and scarf and put everything away before I walked in the direction of my husband’s office. If there were one room where he would be, it would be there.
A small smile tugged at my lips, the kind of smile you couldn’t fully cover, the kind of smile that betrayed how you felt on the inside. I was bursting with something like happiness and possibilities.
Mathis had shown me the kind of man I had a glimpse of last Sunday after dinner with his family and now I was sure that my future wouldn’t be as dreadful as I had first assumed. Actually, I couldn’t remember the last time I felt so weightless and I didn’t believe one second it was only the amazing orgasms he bestowed me. It was more than that.
I knocked on the closed door and waited for him to let me in, my breath slightly faster than before and my little heart doing gymnastics in my chest. I wanted to see my husband and spend some time with him, to check if what I felt wasn’t just a figment of my imagination.
“Come in.’’
I frowned a second at Mathis’ voice, so reminiscent to the detached tone he used a few days ago. I opened the door and found him at his desk, laptop on in front of him and his hands hidden under the desk.
“Hard at work again?’’
“When you run an empire it never stops.’’ He leaned back in his desk chair, his dark eyes on me but impossible to read.
My stomach fluttered, but it had nothing to do with how he could make my blood run hot in a matter of seconds, and everything to do with the unexplainable fear of getting hurt that invaded me until I lost all sensation in my legs. A warning glared in my mind, difficult to ignore.
He cleared his throat and let his eyes take me in from the top of my head with my hair in a ponytail to my feet clad in heeled boots. “How’s my sister?’’
I stepped closer to his desk and gripped the back of the armchair facing his desk. “She’s fine. She’ll get better and move on with time.’’
My throat closed in on itself. I knew something was coming, but I didn’t know what and I had no idea how to protect myself. When I was going from foster home to foster home I knew how to protect myself against all kinds of bad things. When I was in the streets, I knew how to get away from danger. When I ended up at Carter Manor, I knew that to protect myself I had to play by the rules and bend them when I could. But here? Now? I had no idea what awaited me.
“Good.’’ He pointed at the armchair I was gripping. “Take a seat. There’s something I’d like to discuss with you.’’
“What is it?’’ I asked, rounding the armchair and sitting with less grace than I had been taught at Carter Manor. My whole body was uncoordinated from lack of sensation in my limbs and tingles coursing through me, the kind of tingles that came from dread rather than lust or pleasure. “You seem…’’ I trailed off then, failing to find the right word to describe him and what appeared to be a few steps taken to revert back to the man I had first met and misjudged.
“Nothing for you to worry about, Lila. I can assure you it’ll benefit you greatly.’’ He closed the lid of his laptop and dropped his hands back to his lap.
“Benefit me?’’
“Yes.’’ His frown deepened and suddenly it was like he was looking through me, as if the distance lengthened. “Our marriage was able to convince Tober a lot quicker than expected and it also threw Hartmann off his game in my favor.’’
“It’s a good thing, isn’t it?’’
“Without a doubt and it also means that we will be able to break off our arrangement sooner than the five years written in our contract.’’
My ears started to buzz as if my body itself was trying to protect me from his next words. I was aware of where he was going and now fear wasn’t the predominant feeling screaming inside of me, it was pain. “Are you saying that you’re going to file for a divorce?’’
“First thing on Monday.’’ He stood up then and went to the window. His big body clad in his usual suit was imposing in the late morning light and I couldn’t look away. I craved to see his face, but at the same time I was grateful that his back was to me instead. That way, he wouldn’t see the stricken expression my face was frozen in and the way my lips trembled. “You’ve been of great help, Lila. I wasn’t expecting things to turn quite like this so fast and considering I’m the one breaking our contract you’ll receive your ten million. I’ll also buy the property of your choice to help you settle down considering I never took the time to buy other properties unless it was for development purposes.’’
“Wait, wait!’’ I blurted out, voice shaking enough to betray my lack of composure. “Mr. Tober won’t take it well if we divorce now. He won’t let you buy his company, Mathis.’’
“He gave me his word and he’s an old-fashioned man.’’ He sounded distracted, almost dismissive as if the purpose of this talk had been met and he wouldn’t bore himself in faking further interest.
“That’s it then,’’ I whispered this time, my strength and surprise ebbing off to leave behind such a deep pain and humiliation that it became hard to move my lips to utter these few words.
How could I have been so stupid and let myself believe that something was happening or that the sex we had meant something, that it was starting to be something more? How could I have discarded that even if a part of Mathis Grimes was soft and caring and so different from the cold-hearted bastard I had first met, the cold-hearted bastard was still a part of him?
I hated myself for letting myself be swept in who Mathis was underneath it all.
I hated that I wasn’t able to protect myself.
I hated that it hurt to get a divorce when it was exactly what I had wanted in the first place.
I hated knowing that I would be all alone again.
But most of all, I hated thinking of Mathis pushing me out of his life as if I meant nothing so he could go back to his old ways and sleep with women he didn’t care about.
I put a hand over my chest where my heart beat hard and painfully, drilling home the pain that made my whole being to my very soul ache.
I was nothing more than a hired wife. Nothing but a tool to further his empire. Nothing but a blip on his radar that gave him some room to breathe through the cracks appearing in his carefully constructed life, chosen especially as a morbid and unhealthy tribute to his twin brother. What a reminder.
“You can stay here if you need some time to find a place to go, Lila. I will not throw you out.’’ He kept his back to me and even though I saw some tension in the set of his shoulders, it wasn’t much more or any different to his usual self.
“I can’t stay here.’’ I stood up abruptly, my legs shaking so badly that I put a hand on the desk to make sure I wouldn’t face plant. My eyes never left Mathis’ shadow. Right there in front of the big window and the city laid out outside, it seemed as if he was the master of the world, controlling it following his whims. It enforced the fact that he had always had all the cards in this game and I had nothing. “I’m going to pack some clothes and…’’
I had nowhere to go.
“I can book you a room at the Hilton.’’
Should I say thank you? Because all I felt like was screaming or crying. Instead of doing any of those things, I turned around and left the room without a look back. I didn’t want to see him still set on discarding me as if I was a nobody.
I had thought something was changing between us, but I never would have guessed that this would be the outcome.
In that room with my soon-to-be ex-husband I left my heart on the floor. It was useless. The very little I had left beating in my chest, he broke it. Even now I couldn’t fully hate him because I was the stupid woman who let herself entertain the idea of a happy ending. It wouldn’t fall on me like that. To g
et my happy ending I would create it myself, away from Mathis, away from anything reminding me of my past.
***
MATHIS
I watched Lila rolling her suitcase toward me near the front door. She was breathtaking, even when looking at me with thinly veiled disgust that made my heart bleed out faster in my chest. I kept my stance proud, my eyes hard and my hands tucked away in my pockets to hide how badly I was shaking, holding onto my emotions.
“A suite is booked for you at the Hilton. Feel free to charge your credit card to anything you need until we sort out everything.’’ My voice sounded cold and business-like, everything I didn’t feel on the inside but needed to make her believe.
Her brows lowered further and she nodded. “You should wait a few weeks until everything is signed with Mr. Tober. Your meeting is next week anyway.’’
“I will.’’ I watched as she grabbed her purse, coat and scarf, getting ready fast to brace the cold outside. She made a move to grab her set of keys in the big pot on the console table and then stopped herself, hand mid-air. “It’s funny how habits appear fast,’’ she said quietly before grabbing a hold of the handle of her suitcase again and rolling it to the front door and away from me without looking back at me.
When the door opened and she passed the threshold, my heart seized in my chest, but I held my ground. I didn’t move and I watched her leaving my life. I didn’t spare myself any details, both because I wanted to commit Lila to memory forever and because that pain was proof that I felt something, that I was capable of love, that she gave me something by awakening me and pushing me away from the nightmare I had built around myself. I had no doubt as to now that I would go back to what my life was before Lila, saved of a few details like fucking around when only Lila made me want sex now, but the man she was unearthing after years of being smothered by walls would be gone with her.
“Goodbye, Mathis,’’ she said, the finality in her tone stole my breath. I willed her to turn around and look at me one last time, but she didn’t. Blindly, she closed the door behind her.
I was alone at home, a place that felt emptier than it had ever felt before.
I leaned heavily against the wall and didn’t pay attention when the artwork hung up there threatened to fall when my shoulder bumped into it. The strength I used to stay up on my feet and collected in front of Lila had deserted me with her exit.
My breathing sped up erratically while my lungs burned up. Dizziness came next with wobbly legs shaking so much that I let myself slide down the wall until I was sitting there in the entry hall next to the console where Lila left her keys to the apartment.
I closed my eyes tightly and didn’t fight the buzzing sound in my ears, the prickles in my eyes, the heavy heart beats of my heart. I didn’t fight what I felt, because I didn’t want to feel nothing. It would cheapen my growing feelings for a woman who was my wife, even if only briefly.
A heartbreak hurt. It hurt like hell and made you suffocate with emotions that had no outlet. All the poetic bullshit about heartbreak was just that; bullshit. A heartbreak wasn’t beautiful or could be described cleanly. It wasn't the kind of thing you could push away and forget about. It was there, so big and ugly it made you shudder and internally beg for something, anything to alleviate the mess inside.
I felt my phone vibrating in my slacks against my thigh, but I didn’t move to answer. I couldn’t. My jaw was locked so tight I couldn’t fathom uttering a single word right now. All I could do at that moment was to try and keep it together, not break down when everything inside me screamed and broke.
At that moment, I grieved, not for my brother, but a future Lila made me see could have been mine if only our circumstances would have been different.
Lila…
She deserved so much more than an arranged marriage and a man like me. That thought was the only thing soothing the sharpest edges of the shards my heart broke into.
LILA
It’s been a week since I had last seen Mathis and it wasn’t getting any easier. The pain of being discarded like that was still throbbing inside of me, making everything around me so bland and washed out that I couldn’t enjoy the freedom I had for the first time in years.
After spending one night at the Hilton in the suite booked by my soon to be ex-husband, I packed and left for the airport where I boarded the first plane available. I ended up in Boston where I found a room in a cozy little inn, away from the bustle of the city, but still close enough to the city life. I didn’t want to disconnect myself from everything. I was too scared of what kind of pain too much quiet and peace would bring inside me.
I breathed in deeply, letting the cold air go through my lungs while I warmed up my frozen fingers around my to-go cup of steaming coffee. I watched people walking, talking, laughing. From where I was standing on the sidewalk between an old bookstore and a quirky clothing shop, I people watched, trying to feel something other than the deep pain from Mathis’ rejection. It didn’t work. I knew it wouldn’t, but I still tried, hoping that somebody else’s happiness or good mood walking by could make me feel the same, even a fraction of what someone else felt.
I snorted at myself and took a sip of coffee. I didn’t taste anything. Nothing had any flavor. Who would have thought that some clichés regarding heartbreak were true? I didn’t think it could get this bad and yet it made me realize how far gone I was with Mathis. He bewitched me with his complexity and the intensity he hid behind a distant exterior. Love snuck up on me in a matter of days as if it had been aware of my need for a deeper connection with a human being, of my secret desire for love and happiness.
I was pathetic and weak.
In a cringe, I threw away my cup of coffee and started walking to the nearest park. I had no idea of what I was doing or where I was going. I expected a call at any moment from Mathis’ lawyer regarding the divorce now that he probably signed the papers for Mr. Tober’s company. I kept my phone in my coat pocket with my hand wrapped around it, both urging it to ring and willing it to stay silent. I both wanted to put an end to this nightmare, but at the same time I dreaded the end of my only link to Mathis through this arranged marriage. I wouldn’t win anyway, something I was sure I’d get chastised if I said aloud considering the amount of money I would receive soon. But nobody could give me a new heart, one that wasn’t broken. Nobody could purchase my feelings for Mathis so I could get rid of them.
And with this divorce I would lose Megan and Sylvie, two women who opened their arms for me without a second thought. Actually, I had already lost them. They were gone from my life as soon as Mathis told me that he was going to meet his lawyer to file for a divorce.
I let my eyes drop to the ground and hunched over, half hiding in my scarf wrapped around my neck. Pretenses were over. I had no reason to stay upright with my shoulders back and my chin up. I had no reason to look put together.
I was alone.
Again.
And this time around, I didn’t have my heart. The damn thing broke because I had been too stupid to take care of it as I should have.
When I met Mathis Grimes I had known immediately he would be a problem, but what I should have been aware of was that he would become a problem because I let him.
I had been falling in love with my husband, hoping for things that could never happen to me in a lifetime.
I had let myself dream and dreams were dangerous. Now, I remembered.
***
MATHIS
My desk was a mess of files thrown everywhere, two empty mugs on either side of the keyboard and a few papers balled on my desk because apparently I couldn’t muster up the courage to throw them in the trash nearby.
My desk usually so pristine and orderly, reflected to perfection the mess inside my head. I was a damn mess, so fucked up that I hadn’t been able to hide it from anybody around the office. My suits often had creases, betraying the fact that I woke up earlier than usual and then sat in my suit at home without a care of how I’d look hours later at
work. My face was never perfectly shaved and in fact if I took the time to truly look at myself in the mirror I’d see I looked a mess with my growing beard that needed tending. I didn’t care.
It’s been two weeks. Actually, tomorrow it’ll be exactly two weeks since I had last seen Lila. It hurt like hell, the pain seemingly to grow instead of abating as more hours, more days, more weeks passed. The finality of it was so heavy that I couldn’t sit properly or keep my head up. I constantly slouched and my eyes never looked up because I didn’t want to give anybody an opportunity to ask me what was wrong. Oh, of course I knew rumors were already going off around here, but I wouldn’t be able to announce the breakup yet. Not yet.
My cell phone buzzed on top of a pile of files next to the computer screen. I glanced quickly at it, already planning on letting it go to voicemail, but then I saw Lucas’ name flashing on the screen.
Frowning, I grabbed the phone and answered with a clipped voice. “What is it?’’
“Hm… Sir, your wife’s bodyguard reported back.’’
My heart sped up, the only moment it reminded me that even broken it was able to hammer in my chest whenever Lila was mentioned, only furthering the pain in my chest, poisoning more of my system with regrets and a love so damn strong it sliced through me.
“Anything amiss?’’
“No.’’
I knew Lucas too well not to recognize the hesitation in that simple word. My fingers tightened around my phone. “Tell me.’’
“He said it appears she’s depressed. She doesn’t do anything other than walk around, get some coffee and then hole herself up in her room at the inn.’’
“She’s probably thinking of what to do with her life now that she has a choice,’’ I mumbled, voice thicker as the damn pain choked me. I pulled the phone away as I took several deep breaths, willing my façade to stay up a little bit longer.
“He saw her throwing her phone in a trashcan in the park when it rang.’’ He cleared his throat then, obviously uncomfortable to be reporting to me of what my wife was up to, but I was too hung up on the fact that she threw away the only means I had of contacting her since she left her laptop home. “He retrieved the phone and saw that it was your mother’s call. Do you want him to deliver the phone back to her or would you rather he send it back to you, sir?’’
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