“Kellan, I know. You’ve told me that a million times. I can take care of myself. We danced a few dances, that’s all. I stopped him when asked to kiss me…” When was I going to learn to keep my mouth shut?
“So, he is pressuring you! What’s his number?” he demanded.
“I’m not going to give you his number. I’m sorry I brought it up.”
“Abby, you’re alone way too much. I don’t like it. It’s not safe. Any guy is going to think they can have free reign with you, and there’s no one there to stop them!”
“Yes, there is! ME!” I shouted, angry now.
“Really? Unless you’ve grown six inches and put on a hundred pounds, you couldn’t fight off a kitten, far less a…teenage boy with sex on his mind…and that’s ALL they have on their minds!”
I was tired of fighting. I was tired, period. “Okay, I get it. I’ll be careful, I promise. Now, can I go to bed?”
“Lock the doors and windows.”
“I already did. I’ll talk to you soon.”
“Okay. Abby…?”
“Yeah?”
“Just promise me that you’ll wait until you find the right guy. Someone you love. It’s just, I didn’t have that option, and I regret it.”
“What do you mean, you didn’t have that option? I thought you wanted to be with Brianna,” I said.
“Brianna wasn’t my first,” he sighed, “she wasn’t even my third or fourth. I was stupid, Abby. Don’t make the same mistakes I did.”
“She was the fifth girl you…?” I was shocked.
“I told you, all guys are like that, and that includes me. You can’t trust us!”
“I’ll always be able to trust you,” I said, and then realized it was really true. He’d never consider making me the sixth girl. The thought made me sigh.
“Just promise me that you’ll be careful, okay?”
“I will.”
We hung up the phone a few minutes later and I finally climbed into my dilapidated bed, wearing a nightshirt that was tattered and worn, but it was one of Kellan’s old shirts, and I loved it.
I laid in bed thinking about what Kellan said about all guys only wanting one thing from girls and realized there really may be some truth to that. I couldn’t believe how different Tyler was tonight. He actually asked if he could kiss me, and be more than friends. I knew I didn’t want that…not with him, anyway. And, as I looked up at my collection of snow globes, I thought about what Kellan said about waiting for the right guy, and as the angel appeared to sparkle and dance inside the globe as lights from a passing car shone through the window, I realized Kellan was right, and I would wait…I’d wait for him…
CONFESSIONS
Things had been strained between Tyler and me since that night at the dance months earlier. It was June, and school was almost out for the summer. I was almost 16, which meant only two more years with the Filberts and I would be free.
“I um, I guess I won’t be seeing too much of you over the summer, will I?” Tyler asked me on the last day of my sophomore, and his junior year.
“Why do you say that?”
“You’ve hardly spoken a word to me since the dance in April.”
“I talk to you every day.”
“Not like you used to. We used to really talk. But now you won’t even look at me. I’m sorry, Abby. Can we just…go back to the way it was, before?”
“What do you mean? Before what?”
“You know what I mean! Before the dance. Before I asked if I could kiss you? I take it back. I don’t want to lose my best friend, and if you don’t want to be my girlfriend, then fine, but please don’t shut me out of your life. I’m sorry I screwed everything up.”
“Tyler, we’ll always be friends, and you didn’t screw anything up. I’m just not ready…”
“I’m sorry I pushed you. I can’t take back what I said, because it would be a lie to tell you I don’t want to be more than friends, but, I can promise that I won’t act on it, and I won’t pressure you for anything. Okay?”
I smiled and hugged him, thrilled to have my friend back. I noticed he held me a little tighter than he should and for a little longer than expected, but I didn’t say anything for fear of causing another rift between us.
“Hey, um, Abby?” Chet, another student called me.
“Yes?” I said, wondering what he could possibly want from me.
“There’s a party at Brad’s house tonight, just thought you might like to go?”
“What?” I asked, confused.
“Do you want to go to the party with me tonight?”
I was stunned, and then I realized, it was a joke. I looked down at the ground for a minute and then back up at him and said, “Thanks, but I’m…busy.”
“Oh, okay. Maybe some other time?”
“Yeah, sure,” I said nonchalantly, as if I actually believed he was the least bit interested in me.
“Great. Can I have your number?” he asked.
Tyler was looking at me with fire in his eyes, but didn’t say anything for fear that he’d mess up our friendship again. I pulled out a piece of notebook paper and scribbled down the number and gave it to Chet.
“Hey, thanks. I’ll call you.”
“Yeah, okay,” I said, knowing I’d never hear from him.
Tyler walked me home. We were silent, both lost in our own thoughts. When he walked me to my door he finally couldn’t stand it anymore and said, “So, you’ll go out with Chet Zimmer, but not me?”
“I’m not going out with him.”
“You gave him your number,” he accused.
“No, actually, I gave him ‘a’ number, not ‘my’ number.”
“Why did you do that?” he asked, looking completely shocked.
“Why not?” I asked.
“If you didn’t want to go out with him, you should have just told him. Now, when he calls, he’ll be hurt…not that I really care.”
“Oh come on, he’s not really going to call me, and besides, even if he did, it would only be to get a laugh from his friends.”
“What?”
“That was Chet Zimmer!” I said, as if he should know exactly what I meant.
“I know who he was. I don’t like the guy, but it’s not like you to be cruel.”
“What are you talking about? He was the cruel one, he was teasing me.”
“Is that what you think?”
“Yeah, of course.”
“Abby, he wasn’t teasing you. A lot of the guys have been talking about you, lately.”
“Why?” I asked.
“Because they finally see what I’ve been seeing for years now. You’re beautiful…and not just on the inside,” he said, looking at me longingly.
“Great, now you’re teasing me, too! I’m going inside…”
“Abby, I’m not teasing you. Have you even looked in a mirror lately?” He stepped closer to me and gently pulled my face up to look at him. “You’re beautiful. You’re not that skinny little girl anymore…you’ve um, grown up…and filled out,” he said nervously glancing down at my chest.
“You’re serious? He was really asking me out?” I was confused.
“Yeah, he really was. So, now that you know he was serious, are you going to?” he asked, looking worried. “Do you want to?”
“No! I told you, I’m not ready for…” I was lost in thought, still unconvinced that one of the most popular boys in school seriously asked me out.
“Will you tell me when you are?” he asked, with his heart on his sleeve.
“I um, I’m waiting for…” I didn’t know what I was saying, I was still in shock. I knew I had filled out, and was thrilled to be wearing 34C bras, but I still saw the same old me in the mirror every morning.
“You’re waiting for what?” he asked when I stopped in midsentence and stared off into space.
“What?”
“You said you’re waiting for…?”
“I um, I don’t know,” I lied, badly.
&nb
sp; Tyler looked away and said, “He’s not here, Abby. He’s not, but I am. I always will be. And, whether you believe it or not, I love you…and not like a little sister.”
He was hurt. I had hurt him again, and I felt terrible. He started to walk away and I said, “I’m sorry, Tyler. I can’t help it, I love him.”
“I know. But, I’m not giving up.”
I knew it was going to hurt him, but I didn’t want to give him false hope, so I said, “Neither am I.”
We saw each other a few times over the summer, but once again, our relationship was strained. We both longed for the one person we couldn’t have and I still didn’t understand Tyler’s interest in me. But, as the weeks drifted by in slow monotony, I noticed that people were different around me. Boys were different around me, and I realized they were going out of their way to talk to me. This, I didn’t understand any more than Tyler’s fascination with me. I was still the same person, but suddenly people found me interesting? I was confused, and I had no one to talk to.
I wanted to talk to Kellan, but I knew it would only make him angry, so I kept my questions to myself. My summer, which was, for most teens, the best time of the year, was miserable for me. I missed Kellan so much. Our phone calls were strange lately. He was different, distant.
“Are you ever going to come home?” I asked him one night.
“I wish I could, but I can’t afford it. I have to save the money I’ve made for tuition. I’m almost out of my scholarship money, Abby. Yale’s really expensive.”
“Okay, I understand. I just…”
“You just what?”
“Nothing. I just miss you.”
“I miss you too, Abby. But I can’t just up and leave my job,” he snapped.
“I know, I’m sorry. I’ll let you go back to whatever you were doing,” I said, feeling like I was interfering in his life. I was hurt, but I didn’t want him to know it.
“No, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to snap at you. I’m just…I don’t know,” he said, sounding really sad.
“What’s wrong, Kellan?”
“Nothing. So, tell me what…”
“Kellan, what’s wrong? You don’t sound happy anymore.”
“I’m happy, I guess.”
“Do you like your job, at least? You never talk about it.”
“It’s not a job…really. I just kind of do things around the house for Lorena.”
“Who?” I asked, jealous that he was doing anything for her, and that she was spending time with him when I hadn’t seen him in almost a year.
“She’s the lady I live with.”
“You’re living with her, or renting a room from her?”
“What’s the difference?” he asked sullenly.
“What kind of things do you do for her?” I asked, suspiciously.
“I gotta go, Abby. She’s home. I’ll call you in a few days.”
“Kellan! What do you have to do for her?” I asked, worried.
“I um, I’ll call you.”
He hung up and left me wondering what it was he did do for her. And suddenly images flooded my mind and I thought about what an older woman would want from a young man who looked like Kellan. I immediately called him back, but he didn’t answer. I slammed the phone shut and texted him to call me back right away.
I didn’t hear from him for three days.
“Why didn’t you call me back sooner?” I asked.
“I was busy, Abby.”
“Doing what, Kellan? What are you doing for her, and why do you sound so guilty and unhappy?
“I’m not doing…I’m just, I’m not doing anything, Abby. Just drop it,” he ordered.
“Drop what? Kellan, I want to know what you’re doing.”
“What do you think I’m doing, Abby? What do you think she wants from me?” he snapped.
“You’re sleeping with her?” I asked, horrified to actually hear it out loud.
“What else do I have to offer her, Abby?”
I was hurt, but I couldn’t tell him why. He didn’t know how I felt about him. “Do you…love her?” I asked with a shaky voice.
“Hell, no!”
“Then how can you…I mean, if a man doesn’t want…”
“Abby, I don’t want to talk about this anymore. Is there something you need?”
“Yeah, I need you to come home,” I sniffled, missing the old Kellan.
“I wish I could. I can’t just quit Yale, Abby. I mean, it’s Yale. It’s the school of my dreams. I need to finish, and that means that I need to do whatever I have to in order to graduate.”
“So, you’re willing to sell your soul? Is school really that important?”
He sighed, “I have to go soon. Tell me what you’re up to. What have you been doing this summer?”
“Nothing. I haven’t done anything…I wish you could say the same.”
“Please don’t lecture me, Abby. I’m not in the mood.”
“You’re obviously in the mood, or you wouldn’t…”
“Abby! That’s enough. You don’t have any idea what kind of pressure I have to deal with. She’s nice, enough.”
“She’s nice, enough? What does that mean?”
“It means that we’re done with this conversation, and unless you have something to tell me, it’s time to hang up.”
“Kellan, I just want you to be happy, that’s all.”
“I will be, once I’ve finished school. I’ll talk to you soon, Abby. Be careful, okay? Please don’t let anyone talk you into…anything. Bye.”
He hung up the phone and I threw myself down on my bed and cried. I cried for Kellan and what he felt he had to do to finish school, but mostly I cried because he was miserable. It was very evident in his voice.
Summer was over and I was finally 16. I only had 23 months left with the Filbert’s and I had a calendar I crossed off every day. Each day brought me one day closer to freedom, and hopefully, one day closer to Kellan.
It was Friday night and I was alone in the house, as usual. I was lying in bed, waiting for Kellan to call like he did almost every Friday night. We had a huge fight about his current living and working situations, and I wasn’t sure he was going to call me. I must have dozed off, because the next thing I knew, Nancy was standing over me with my phone in her hand.
“Just where did you get this?” she asked me.
“Kellan gave it to me, so I could call him when I wanted,” I said. There was no use in lying; she’d know who gave it to me as she was currently searching my phone for last calls and texts. “May I have it back, please?” I asked.
“So, you’re still keeping in touch with your brother? How sweet!” she said snidely.
“He’s not my brother. Now, may I have my phone back, please?” I asked again.
“What do you think? It’s time to cut the apron strings,” she said and walked out of my room with my phone in her hand.
The next day our phone number was changed again, leaving me no way for Kellan to get in touch with me at my house. And, I couldn’t call him, because for some reason, they weren’t going away for the weekend. I knew Kellan would be worried, so I did the one thing I could think of, I headed over to Tyler’s house to borrow his phone.
“Hi, how are you?” I asked Tyler when he opened his door.
“I’m fine, I guess. What are you doing over here?”
“I um, I hate to bother you, but I was hoping I could use your phone for a minute?”
“Yeah, sure. Come on in,” he said, pulling his cell phone out of his back pocket and handing it to me.
I started to dial Kellan’s number and then saw Tyler watching me. I stopped dialing and he said, “Oh, sorry. I’ll give you some privacy.”
“It’s okay, you know who I’m calling. Nancy found my cell phone and I just need to tell him that…”
“You can use mine until you get a new one.”
“I couldn’t do that, but thank you, anyway.”
“It’s okay, I don’t have anyone to call. It
’s a ‘pay as you go’ phone, so he can just help you add minutes. I’ll go to my room so you can talk.”
I smiled up at him and whispered, “Thanks.”
I dialed his phone number, but it just kept ringing. It was Saturday morning, so he wasn’t in class, which meant he refused to answer because he didn’t recognize the number…or he was with her,” I shut the phone after leaving a brief message asking him to call me back at that number.
I walked down the hall searching for Tyler. His door was open and he was laying on his bed, staring out the window. He looked as miserable as I felt.
I stared at him and realized I wasn’t the only one who was growing up. He must have grown two inches over that last year and he had definitely filled out as well. He was very broad in the shoulders and as I stared at him, I realized he had turned into a very attractive young man. I had noticed that he had a lot more friends lately, and most of them female. I realized then that if my heart didn’t belong to Kellan, I would have been very lucky to be with Tyler, and not just because he had grown into a handsome young man, but because he was genuinely a wonderful person.
“Hi. I think I’ll take you up on that offer to borrow your phone, at least for a day or two, if that’s okay?”
“Yeah, sure,” he said, sitting up on the edge of bed.
“Um, so how are you?” I asked nervously.
“Fine. I’m good. What about you?” he asked, staring down at the phone in my hand.
“Um, good, I guess. I should probably go now. I don’t want to keep you from anything,” I said and started to leave.
“Abby! Don’t go. We’re still friends, right?”
“Yeah, of course. I just don’t want…”
“I know, it’s okay. I just miss you. I miss hanging out with you. We don’t even have one class together this semester.”
“I know. You’re um, you’re taking hard classes this year; too hard for me.”
“Stop selling yourself short, Abby. You’re very intelligent. I’m just taking college prep classes this year. I’m graduating this June, in case you didn’t know,” he grinned and walked over to me.
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