Mouth of Madness

by Hunter Blain

  A handful of cards fell strategically from the deck SAC Baker was holding, revealing precisely as much as he had meant to. I squinted at him for a moment before deciding to roll with the situation—for now.

  “What can I do you for, Agent Baker?” I asked while crossing my arms and returning to square my body toward the newcomer.

  “Oh, I don’t know,” he began. “I don’t suppose you boys are in town after that feral wolf, are you?” His eyes flicked between the two of us. I kept my face as still as a glass-top lake, but Joey must have been a raging rapid because SAC Baker nodded as his eyes went past me. “Thought as much. And if my powers of deduction are up to par—and I do believe they are—the wolf in question must be Jonathan Depweg.”

  My eyes flashed red at the mention of my best friend’s name. As I lost the minutest bit of control, SAC Baker caught my mistake and slipped into a self-satisfied grin.

  “What do you want?” I asked in a cold deadpan.

  “Welp,” SAC Baker said while lifting his eyes to the sky and moving his suit jacket back to rest his hands on his hips, revealing his badge and gun. “The U.S. government would, shall we say, prefer to keep the existence of supernatural creatures a secret from the public at large. Jonathan Depweg—or just Depweg, as he is known—is making that a tad difficult at the moment. Thusly, I have been commissioned to correct the situation.”

  “Correct in what way? Cause in The Shining, ‘correct’ didn’t mean ‘correct,’ know what I mean, Vern?” I inquired using air quotes, but only slightly aggressively. For some damn reason, I kind of liked the guy.

  “I’m going to shoot it to you straight because, believe it or not, I respect you, John. As long as the supernatural community and all the denizens therein remain cast in secrecy, I do not care how we correct the situation.”

  “I don’t trust him,” Joey whispered from behind quietly enough to only be heard by my preternatural ears. I wasn’t putting much stake into what the lone wolf had to say because everything seemed to be Fifty Shades of Depressed with him lately.

  “I don’t blame you, Joey. I wouldn’t trust me either,” SAC Baker said with a sly smile.

  As another card tumbled to the table, Joey quizzically asked, “How—” before I put up a hand to hush him.

  “I do work for the most powerful government in the world, handling this plane’s deepest secrets. We are afforded the absolute best in regards to technology; based both in science and magic.”

  Another card slipped free, prompting me to ask, “What do you know of the other planes?”

  “Why do you ask?”

  “Just curious.” We were sizing each other up, but he was being so much more likable about it.

  “I know you’re of vast importance, John Cook. Which is another reason I, personally, came to Mexico.”

  “Oh?” I said, letting my arms uncross and fall to my sides as my eyes looked at the road behind him, expecting to see a blacked-out SUV. The street was empty.

  “It is my best hope that I am able to assist you.”

  “With what, exactly?” I asked, squinting slightly.

  “Preventing the destruction of creation, of course.” SAC Baker’s smile never wavered.

  “Then why help with Depweg?”

  “May I assume you are asking why not just kill him? Two reasons: first,” he held up a finger, “he is your friend, and I don’t think our relationship would be off to such a keen start if I were to eliminate one of yours. And two,” another finger went up, “if the end of times is coming, then we will need all the soldiers we can muster. Depweg is known to be a potent asset who seems to have simply lost his way. Not to mention that he has only disposed of cartel members who are not U.S. citizens.”

  “And their families?” I asked, knowing I shouldn’t press my luck, while simultaneously being aware that SAC Baker surely knew all the details already.

  “I can hold up on one hand how many times the United States of America has been accused of being sympathetic to the plight of noncitizens, and still be able to beat scissors in Rock, Paper, Scissors,” SAC Baker said with a smile while holding up a fist to accentuate his point.

  “Wait, I know the ol’ U.S. of A. has helped many sovereign entities over the decades.”

  SAC Baker feigned a gasp while putting a hand on his chest as he proclaimed, “You mean the government did it without any other vested interest? How noble of them.”

  “I…” I stammered, at a loss for words. Though what he had said was dickish, he had said it in such a way that I wasn’t offended for basically being called dumb. Instead, I felt more naive for trusting the government. SAC Baker had a talent for insulting a person and having them ask for more. I really needed to learn how to do that.

  “It’s fine,” SAC Baker said. “Our PR department is in a league all their own.”

  “So what now?” Joey asked, stepping up beside me and getting the train back on its tracks.

  “Welp, that’s sort of up to you two.”

  “How’s that?” I asked, scrunching my face in preparation for the monkey wrench that was flying in slow motion toward the gears that were my plan of action.

  “Cutting to the chase, you have come to a fork in the road. The first being saving your friend, Depweg, and ceasing the wanton murder of cartel members and their families.”

  “And the second?” I asked, tightening my arms across my chest in an unconscious reflex. Whatever he was about to say apparently rivaled the importance of saving my best friend, and that worried me. My mind flashed through a flip-book of possibilities, with only a few being even close to the same level of importance as rescuing Depweg.

  “We have word that Hell is in possession of the scrolls which lay out the finer details of the apocalypse, and need you to go get them, John,” SAC Baker said with complete seriousness.

  “Go…to Hell? Dude, that’s the precise place I’m trying very hard not to go. Ya feel me, bro?” I had uncrossed my arms at the absurdity of the request and was pointing an accusing finger at the agent.

  “I can understand your trepidations, and even appreciate them. But you must also admit the importance of those scrolls in regard to the fate of, well, everything.”

  “So…so-so-so,” I stammered as my mind raced to land on a point, my feet slipping on the slick ground of my shock like a speeding dog on laminate flooring, “you want me, the person who could single-handedly cause the end of creation with my death, to go to Hell, just so we can get a better idea of the end of creation? What if the Lilith-damned scroll says, ‘Sexy vampire goes to Hell in an attempt to learn how the universe dies only to find that going to Hell to read a fucking scroll actually causes the apocalypse’? You see what I’m getting at, Agent Baker?”

  “Please, call me Collin.” At that name, I was thrown back as if my spirit had been separated from my body.

  “Co-Collin? Of course it is.” I looked at the ground and shook my head, tired of these coincidences.

  “Did I miss something?” Collin asked in genuine concern, as if he might have offended me by accident.

  Joey spoke up, “Collin was the name of the boy that—”

  “Doesn’t matter,” I growled through my teeth at Joey, warning him.

  “The boy? Magni?” Collin asked, piecing the story together with impressive speed and cognitive awareness.

  “Lilith damn it, Joey. Any other secrets you want to divulge there, little buddy?” I asked while rubbing the bridge of my nose with both index fingers.

  “Such a minute piece of the puzzle that is irrelevant in the grand scheme of things, wouldn’t you say? Besides, if it wasn’t clear already, I wish to form an alliance,” Collin said. His face didn’t twitch, heart rate didn’t skip or increase, and he wasn’t perspiring; he was telling the truth as far as he knew it.

  “Do I get a badge and a gun?” I inquired with a hint of forced levity. This shit sandwich was already packed to the rafters, and somehow the universe found a way to squeeze in another couple pounds for
good measure.

  “Oh, oh no. No, of course not. No. You wouldn’t actually be working for the government, just working…with it. That’s an important distinction.”

  “Mm-hmm,” I hummed, having figured that was the answer I was going to get.

  “There are still perks to be gained, mind you.”

  “Like what? I have no need for money.”

  “Oh, we’re aware, and quite frankly surprised, that your taxes are all in order. I’m sure the IRS thanks you for your continued contributions. I am fairly confident you are single-handedly financing NASA.”

  “Really? Neat!” I exclaimed, feeling the pressure slide off my shoulders. “Who set that up?”

  “Your accountant negotiated that if you were going to pay such a sizable sum, that his client—you—would want it to go to something, um, how did he put it…cool.”

  “Da,” I whispered as my unfocused eyes fell to the ground and a smile tugged at one corner of my mouth.

  “Of course, the IRS wasn’t going to negotiate where the apropos taxes went after they collected them, but then the FBPI stepped in and made it happen.”

  “And why intervene?”

  “Best to let sleeping dogs lie.”

  “The FBPI has jurisdiction over the IRS? I thought no one was above those thieves.”

  “Without divulging too much information, the government that the world and public at large know is simply the foundation for what’s really going on. Imagine a pyramid with only the bottommost layer being visible. There are several levels above that which very few are privy to.”

  “And where does your agency fall among that super-secret pyramid?”

  “Higher than the IRS,” Collin said with another one of his damned charming smiles. It was so disarming.

  Looking at the metaphorical table with cards of information lying where I could see them, I realized his true hand was still close to his chest, which was understandable, though still frustrating.

  “I’m going to trust you, Special Agent in Charge Collin Baker, until you give me a reason not to,” I explained while extending my hand. “But know this: if you betray me, no one will be able to protect you from me. Am I understood?”

  Collin’s smile never faded, not even a millimeter, as he extended his hand, grasped mine, and shook it before saying, “I anticipated as much, and accept.” Unlike our first handshake which was in greeting, this one signified the formation of an alliance.

  “I like being up-front with people.”

  “I can appreciate that, and very much look forward to a mutually beneficial partnership.”

  As I dropped his grip, I asked, “You were mentioning something about perks?”

  “Welp, first, you’ll gain access to information that I’m quite sure you’ll find beneficial, such as the location of the aforementioned apocalypse scrolls.”

  “For the record,” I started while putting my hands on my hips, “I don’t give two shits about the scrolls. But I know someone who does care.”

  “Father Thomes.” Another card cascaded to the table like a leaf falling off a tree in the fall.

  “Figured you would know,” I whispered before returning to my normal speaking tone. “So, what else you got, compadre?”

  “Protection.”

  “From what?”

  “The U.S. government, for one. And just so there is no mistaking my factual statement, I am not threatening you. As we both know, if you were to cease to be, so would everything else.”

  “But…” I said, letting the word hang while circling a hand in midair in a gesture of “cut the bullshit.”

  “But, there are contingencies in place for any and all supernatural entities, including yourself. Which, if I may, shouldn’t be surprising to someone as intelligent as you.”

  “HA!” Joey barked out before he restrained himself by pretending to clear his throat, grabbing his neck, and then looking around aimlessly while I glared over my shoulder at him.

  “Flattery will get you everywhere, Mr. Baker,” I said coldly while slowly turning my gaze back to him.

  “Just stating facts here, folks. Not to mention, I think you would be flat-out insulted if the FBPI had plans for everyone else except you.”

  “Hmph,” I said through a quick exhale while nodding my head slightly. “Okay, so protection against your G-men. Does the list go on and get better or, like, is that it?”

  “The protection extends to all facets. Can you imagine the might of the military, armed with sophisticated weaponry geared for almost any conceivable situation, against the Shadow Court? Probably would have made things a lot easier for you, wouldn’t you say?”

  At this, my eyebrows perked up. Collin took note of my reaction and I made a show of placing a single finger on one eyebrow, lowering it back in place, and then repeating the dramatic process with the other.

  “You sound like those guys from Mindhunter on Netflix.”

  “Hu-flix,” Joey corrected.

  “How so? I loved that show,” Collin asked, intrigued.

  “Loved? Oh, right, it’s been thirteen years,” I reminded myself. “Damn my time management,” I whispered to the air.

  Collin stared at me, expectantly.

  “Right, um…I guess you have the deepness of the bigger dude, but the smoothness of the skinny fella.”

  “Well, if that isn’t a compliment then I don’t know what is,” Collin beamed. “I think you and I are going to get along.”

  “Me too,” I said, feeling a small tug of pride at the acknowledgment of my accurate description.

  “Give it five minutes,” Joey stated flatly.

  “Do you want to go back in the kennel? Keep it up,” I barked over my shoulder.

  To his credit, Joey didn’t smack talk further.

  “Okay, Collin, let’s become bestest friends. But first, can you do something for me?” I asked.

  “What would you have me do?” SAC Baker inquired.

  4

  “Copy that. Thank you, Rachel,” Collin said to his phone before pulling his hand away and closing his fingers. He spoke to his assistant in a way that hinted at something deeper than just a casual business relationship, but that wasn’t my place. The hologram screen blinked out of existence, and he turned to me. “Consider it done.”

  “That was quick,” Joey commented with a hint of surprise.

  “That’s what she said!” I exclaimed while loudly clapping my hands a few times and letting out a, “Whooooo!”

  “Right. Welp, Father Thomes Philseep’s church is on the docket to be renovated.”

  “Thank you, Collin. I’ll let the father know you are coming.”

  “What are friends for?” Collin said with a genuine smile before letting it fade. “Oh, I almost forgot; you do have to choose whether to save your friend or get the scroll.”

  “Of-fucking-course I do,” I exhaled, making fists and rubbing my eyes with my thumbs. “Go on, tell me why that is.”

  “The Mexican government is aware of Depweg and has decided to spring a trap that he is well on his way to the middle of. And before you ask, they do believe him to be a werewolf and have the proper ammunition to complete their intended goal. Though not as advanced as our own government, the Mexicans are fully capable of hunting and eliminating supernaturals using weaponry comprised of both magical and scientific elements.”

  “Neato,” I said, crossing my arms and leaning back to look at the night sky, letting the needle of what he was saying slide into my veins to inject an overdose of renewed worry for my best friend.

  After a few moments, I groaned before returning to a normal standing position and asking, “And what about the scroll or scrolls? Whichever it is.”

  “My source has gone dark, which has caused great concern for the FBPI, as you might imagine.”

  “How so?”

  “I assume you are asking for specifics. Welp, we were informed about the scroll between regularly scheduled updates—due to its importance—and haven’t heard fr
om the source since. Reasoning would have us believe the informant was caught, tortured into giving up information, and…Welp, I shudder to think after that point. Regardless, I can safely deduce that the scroll—possible scrolls, as we don’t exactly get a crystal-clear message from Hell—is in danger of being moved or even destroyed.”

  Without a second’s hesitation, I shared my decision, “I’m sorry, Special Agent in Charge Collin Baker, but I have to save my best friend. After that is done, we can entertain the idea of me, and I can’t believe I’m even saying this, going to Hell to sneak a peek and try and get some spoiler alerts for the apocalypse.”

  “I don’t suppose I could dissuade you otherwise?”

  “If you have a file on me, you know the answer to that, so don’t disrespect me by questioning my decision,” I growled before taking the aggression down to a simple, flat tone and finishing with, “please.”

  “Hey, I get it,” Collin said, holding his hands up in placation, palms out. “But I wouldn’t be doing my job if I didn’t ask.”

  “I can respect that,” I admitted, letting my voice continue to soften. “However, my mind is made up. Depweg first.”

  SAC Baker opened his hand to look at something on his phone, nodded as he pressed a few buttons, closed his hand again, and let the screen wink out. My own phone buzzed then, and I brought my hand up to see a message from “Collin” as if he were already in my contacts list. A few taps and I confirmed he was, in fact, in my contacts list, and even in my freaking favorites.

  “Damn creepy government,” I whispered to myself, loud enough for Collin to hear.

  “Might I suggest you get a move on? Depweg is heading right for the trap the Mexican military has set up, and will most likely be there a few hours before dawn. Unless, of course, you can stop him.”

  I glanced at my phone again and saw the message was a location that opened in my maps app.

  “He isn’t that far. We can make it in time,” I said to myself as much as to the listening ears of my companions.

  “Please, reach out if you should need anything,” Special Agent in Charge Collin Baker said as he started to make his way down the alley. He stopped with an, “Oh,” before turning to face me. “The wardens might be looking for you. Thought you’d like to know.” As he finished, he smoothly winked at me before turning and disappearing around the corner.