The Breakup Mix

by Carter, TK

  To my friends, I’m the one who’s got it all together but paid a price for the prize. I know that; it’s no secret. I can see the grimaces on Chance’s and Alissa’s faces, specifically, when I describe yet another fun-filled weekend of laundry, housework, and sewer problems. Hell, even our trip to Chicago was weird for me, because I felt like the Goodwill kid going to the big city. And, it’s true! My whole outfit came from Goodwill because Del Ray’s braces are costing us a small fortune. Brandon makes a decent income, sure, and my job at the daycare helps us make ends meet, but damn I thought we’d be living higher on the hog once the kids were out of diapers and eating real food.

  However, there’s football cleats, baseball uniforms, band instruments, lunch money, braces, emergency room visits for my sweet-but-clumsy ten-year-old Martin, and that doesn’t include anything that I would ever want to spend money on for myself.

  Which, for the life of me, I can’t think of one thing I’ve done for myself or anything I even enjoy doing outside of my family.

  Brandon knocked softly on the door and stuck his head inside. “You okay, babe?”

  The tears welling up in my eyes dripped down my cheeks. I wiped them with the tail of my shirt and scratched my face with the dried gravy from breakfast. “Who am I, Brandon?”

  He came into the room and closed the door. He leaned against the door with one hand on the knob. “What do you mean, Chelle?”

  “Look at me! I’m not even me anymore. And I don’t even know who ‘me’ is. I went from being a kid to being your wife to being their mother.”

  He muttered, “Oh boy,” and took a few hesitant steps toward me. “Listen, Michelle, she’s probably just trying to fit in.”

  “This isn’t about Del Ray, this is about me. I’m lost. I’ve been wearing these same clothes since I got home from work Friday night. I have no life outside of this fifteen-hundred square foot house and outside of our family.”

  “You’re not supposed to, honey. This is what we do: we grow up, we have families, we work, we retire, and we’re happy.”

  “Who’s happy?” The words slapped the air.

  He paused and looked at me as if I’d shape-shifted right before his eyes. “I’m happy; the kids are happy, and until this moment, I thought you were happy.”

  I sat my empty wine glass on the nightstand and threw myself onto my pillow. “I thought I was, too. What’s wrong with me?” I moaned into the pillow.

  Brandon sat on the bed beside me and rubbed my back. “Is this coming from the trip to Chicago? Chelle, we aren’t like Alissa and Chance. Hell, we’re not even like Katie and Landon. We’re blue-collar, normal Americans trying to make a living and provide for our families. You think I wanted to be an insurance salesman? Remember me in high school? I wanted to rock the world with my music. I was going to be a big star someday. But those are just kid dreams.”

  “All I ever wanted to be was your wife and a mother,” I cried.

  “So see? Your dreams came true.”

  “While I know you mean well, this isn’t helping.”

  Brandon sighed and moved to the edge of the bed. “Maybe you should get out of the house for the afternoon. Call one of your friends and go do whatever it is that girls do when they’re having a moment.”

  “We don’t have any money for me to do anything like that, Brandon, and you know it.”

  “We’ll figure it out. Hell, call Alissa and ask her to take you somewhere. She’s got more money than God.”

  I sat up and reached for a tissue. “I don’t even have any hobbies.”

  Brandon’s aggravated sigh said I’d reached the end of my rope with him. “I don’t know what you’re getting at, Michelle. I’m beginning to feel blamed for giving you everything you wanted.”

  He didn’t get it. So, I did what I always do when Brandon doesn’t get it. I offered a smile and reached for his hand. “I think I will call Alissa and see what she’s doing today.”

  He smiled and patted my hand. “Go spend a few hours with your friend, and by dinnertime, you’ll be right back to normal.” He left the room, and I curled up on my pillow to have a good cry. When I was done, I jumped into the shower, got ready, and called Alissa.

  Chapter Five

  Don’t Cry

  Chance

  I was surprised to see Katie pull up at Rocky’s. Landon’s a great guy, don’t get me wrong, but Katie’s been nervous as a cat since the day she hooked up with that dude. She doesn’t get too far from him and I think she resents him for it. I was glad she texted me to tell me about Michelle, though. I was about to start pulling my eyelashes out one by one out of complete boredom. The news stories I had to choose from for the early-morning news tomorrow were exceedingly lame. A completely new set of lame.

  Alissa’s Navigator was already in the parking lot, meaning she and Michelle had a head start on us. I grabbed my purse and waved at Katie who was already walking my direction.

  “Wow, you escaped!” I smiled at her and winked.

  She grinned and shrugged. “I’m not going to stay long. Landon’s watching a game tape, so I need to—”

  I threw my arm around her. “You need to be here with your friends. And that’s completely fine.”

  She curled her arm around my back. “Yes, you’re right. I’m sorry.”

  “Don’t apologize. Do you know what all this is about?”

  She shook her head. “Not a clue. Dani’s on her way.”

  “Really! Wow, that’s surprising. I’m glad. It’ll be good for her.” I held the door open for her and she flashed her perfect orthodontic grin as she said, “Thank you, kind sir!”

  “Shut up and go inside or I’ll take you back to New York.”

  The bar was empty, which was not surprising for a pre-football-season Sunday. In a few weeks, this place will be the place to be for game day with televisions mounted every ten feet covering every network game on air. People who don’t even like sports endure the shouts and high-fives for the awesome chicken wings and beer specials.

  Alissa and Michelle sat toward the back in an oversized booth built to hold six grown men. They looked like miniature humans with their feet barely touching the floor. I stopped at the bar and ordered an amaretto sour for me and a water for Katie before heading to the table. I watched as Katie said her hellos and tried to get a bead on Michelle. She stared into space as she played with a sweetener packet.

  Dani walked up behind me and whispered, “What’s wrong with Michelle?”

  I slid my debit card across the bar to start my tab and grabbed our drinks. “I don’t know. Lis called and said Michelle was having a meltdown. That’s all I got.” I turned to look at Dani. “Damn, you look like you need a little hair of the dog.”

  Dani chuckled. “Not on your life.” She looked at Michelle. “I really hope she’s okay.”

  “Me, too.”

  I slid into the booth beside Michelle and faced Katie, Dani, and Alissa. “Seems like we were just doing this.” I winked at Alissa and turned to Michelle. “So, what’s the deal, mama-san?”

  Michelle leaned against the back of the booth, looked at the ceiling and sighed. “I found condoms.”

  Katie sucked air between her teeth. “That son-of-a—”

  Michelle snapped her head. “They’re Del Ray’s.”

  We all shouted, “What?”

  Michelle nodded. “Exactly.”

  I said, “She’s fourteen! How on earth—”

  Michelle interrupted me. “She said she got them as a joke from some health fair at school.” She looked at me through brimming tears. “I just don’t know if I believe her.”

  I looked at the trio of wide-eyed faces across from us and gave Alissa the aren’t-you-going-to-say-something look.

  Lis took her turn. “Okay, let’s think this through. If she’s . . . active, isn’t it a good thing that she’s being careful?”

  Michelle tilted her head and snapped, “No, Lis, nothing about this is a good thing. If she’s having sex”—sh
e shuddered—“that’s not a good thing.”

  “What did Brandon say?” Dani asked.

  Michelle shook her head. “Not much. It’s not just Del Ray, it’s everything. I’m thirty-four years old and couldn’t have more of a boring life. Three kids, a minimum-wage career, no hobbies, no life of my own outside of my family.”

  “Michelle, that’s what we do, though,” Katie said. “That’s the life we have right now. We’re mothers. We have a family to consider.” She pointed at Alissa and me. “No offense to these two, but they don’t have the lives we do. They have a certain freedom that we don’t get, but it won’t be like that forever. Our kids will eventually grow up, and then we’ll get our turn.”

  Michelle wiped her eyes with a napkin. “Yeah, but you at least left and did something. You went to New York—”

  Katie cut her off. “Yeah and look how that turned out. I was robbed blind and had to call these two to come rescue me.”

  “I haven’t done anything, though. I don’t even have any dumb stories to share. Nineteen years old and boom—right into life as a wife then mother.”

  Dani cleared her throat. “Never look at that privilege as a burden, Michelle.”

  Michelle’s face washed with guilt. “I’m sorry, Dani. I wasn’t thinking. I don’t resent my family; I don’t. I just . . . I just want something that’s mine. I want my own gold star or some sort of accomplishment, ya know?”

  Alissa squinted at her. “Okay, let’s talk that one out. What do you like to do?”

  Michelle slammed her hands on the table. “I don’t know! That’s exactly what I’m saying. I don’t even know what I like to do outside of my family.”

  “You’re supposed to put your family first, Michelle,” Katie said, shaking her head. “That’s completely normal.”

  “No, I disagree,” I said.

  Katie gasped. “How can you say that?”

  “Well, look at her. She’s a mess! How can she be a good mom or wife if she’s not even taking care of herself? All of us have some outlet, so what I’m hearing is that Michelle needs to find something to do outside of her family for personal accomplishment.”

  Alissa found her sassy side. “Yeah, because that’s exactly what she already said. Brilliant research, Chance.”

  “You hush up.” I turned to Michelle. “Okay, at this table, we have an abundance of experience. What do you want to try?”

  Alissa bounced in her seat. “Oh, I know. Why don’t you join the gym and go to boxing classes with me?”

  Dani groaned. “Michelle, save yourself. Don’t do it.” She rubbed her shoulder. “What about night classes at the community college?”

  “What about a mission trip through the church?” Katie asked.

  Michelle shook her head. “No, classes won’t work because every kid has practice and homework.” She looked at Katie. “And I haven’t been to church in months, so I’d say missions are out. But maybe the exercise would help me.”

  “Oh, it will be so much fun. You’ll love it,” Alissa said.

  “How much is the membership?” Michelle asked.

  Alissa waved her off. “I don’t know. We’ll figure that part out later.”

  “Now back to Del Ray,” Dani said.

  Michelle put her head on the table. “I’m pretty sure I blew it when I flew off the handle. I don’t think that girl would take me seriously if the house was on fire and I showed her the flames.”

  I bit my lip and dreaded the next question out of my mouth. “Want me to talk to her?”

  Michelle looked at me with grateful eyes. “Would you? She loves you! Maybe she would listen to you.”

  I sighed inside but said, “Sure, I can do that. I’ll take her to the mall and casually threaten to beat her ass if she even thinks about getting naked before she’s sixteen.”

  “Before marriage, right Chance? Before marriage,” Katie added quickly.

  I nodded. “Yes, before marriage. That’s what I meant.”

  Michelle sat back in the booth and sighed. “Okay that might work. I’ll talk to Brandon about it too and see if he has any brilliant ideas.” She stopped and chuckled. “I threw the condoms in his face.”

  “How did that go over?” Alissa laughed.

  Michelle shook her head. “Not good. You see where I am, now, don’t you?”

  “Well, you were in shock, so I can imagine you didn’t handle it the best, but all you have to do is go home and apologize,” Katie said.

  Michelle’s face fell. “I said something that hurt him. I told him I wasn’t happy.”

  Katie sucked air through her teeth and looked at me. I said, “He’s been with you a long time, kiddo. He knows when you’re losing your shit, so don’t beat yourself up too much, okay, honey?”

  Michelle nodded her head. “Yeah, I didn’t mean anything bad toward him. But, man, my life is boring.”

  “I would probably keep those words for us and pick different ones for him. That’s pretty painful to hear,” Dani said.

  “What she’s trying to be delicate in saying is, girl, you gotta hide your crazy and only show it to us. He’s your husband, but he’s still a man and will take it personally if you come at him like that,” Alissa added.

  Katie shook her head. “No, that’s not how marriage works. She should tell him what’s going on so he can help her work through it.”

  I looked sideways at Katie and bit my tongue, but Alissa said what I was thinking: “Take your own advice, Katie! Sheesh you’re the worst at burying yourself in the name of wifely duty.”

  Katie stiffened. “Raise your hand if you’re still married to your first husband.” She and Michelle raised their hands. “‘Nuff said.” She looked at Michelle. “Here’s what you do: go home and explain to Brandon that you were freaking out over the condoms and that you didn’t mean anything by your comment about you not being happy. Reassure him that he’s not the problem, and that you’re going to take an exercise class to get away every now and then. Poof. Problem solved.”

  Alissa and I exchanged disapproving glances but turned to Michelle who didn’t have that panicked look on her face as she smiled at Katie. I patted her hand. “Maybe you should listen to Katie on this one. I can teach you all day long how to screw up a relationship, but I’m not the one to talk to about saving one.”

  “Here here,” Alissa said then finished her drink in one gulp. “Let me up, ladies. I need another one.”

  Dani and Katie scooted out of the booth.

  “I think I’m going to head home. Michelle, call me later if you need to talk, okay?” Katie asked.

  Michelle nodded and patted my leg. I slid out of the booth and went to the bar to get a refill. Over my shoulder I watched Michelle give Katie a big hug. Whatever Katie said had made Michelle laugh, so that was good enough for me. I bumped shoulders with Alissa. “What’s wrong?”

  She leaned her face toward mine. “Katie needs to take her own advice. It just pisses me off when she rattles off all that stuff she doesn’t even do herself. She keeps blowing me off for golf, and you know she’s quitting the co-ed softball league, right?”

  “No! She loves playing!”

  She slapped her hand down on the bar and grabbed her drink. “I know, girl, but something about Landon’s schedule and blah blah blah.”

  I waved to Katie.

  She came over and held her arms out for a hug. “Love you. Let me know how it goes with Del Ray.”

  “Of course.” I hugged her tight, but when I pulled back to look at her, she was already moving on to Alissa. I grabbed my drink and headed back to the table.

  “He was meticulous as usual,” Dani was saying. “The way things were divided was too perfect to be a spontaneous decision, Michelle, even for Barry. This must have been his fallback plan if we got bad news from the doctor.”

  “Are you going to keep the house?” Michelle asked.

  Dani shrugged and shook her head. “I doubt it. That’s a lot of house for one person. It’s paid for, so I shoul
d sell it dirt cheap.” She winked at me and gave me a half-grin. “The best way to get to Barry is through his wallet.”

  I smiled back and looked for Alissa at the bar. She was talking to the bartender—translation: she was sizing him up as boyfriend material. I caught her eye and nodded for her to come back to the table. She flashed him a perfect grin before heading back to the table.

  “Girl, you are relentless,” I mumbled when she sat.

  She grinned. “Gotta keep moving forward, honey.”

  I chuckled and watched her offer Dani a drink who grimaced and refused.

  “Been there, done that, Dani,” I said. “Alissa knows how to drown a heartache.”

  Dani nodded. “Yeah and she took me to the gym again today. Double whammy.”

  “Can we drop by the gym before you take me home? I want to look it over.” Michelle asked Alissa.

  Alissa nodded. “Sure, we can do that. There’s a huge list of classes to take at all different times. It’ll be an easy commute for you, too.”

  “Depending on the class you take, I may join you,” Dani said.

  Alissa clapped her hands and looked at me. “Ha! Are you in?”

  I raised my hands. “Oh, hell, no. I haven’t gotten over my last post-breakup-class you talked me into.”

  “Oh, come on. It will be a blast. I promise.”

  I sighed. “Let me know what class you pick and then I’ll decide.”

  “Oh I’m so excited!” Alissa giggled.

  I rolled my eyes. “Every time you say that, I regret the preceding decision.”

  “You hush up.” Alissa smacked my hand. “You’ll thank me some day.”