The Breakup Mix

by Carter, TK

  I said, “Okay. But I do have to pee. I’ll use your bathroom, so I’ll be right here, okay?”

  She nodded and released my hand. “Might shoot a text to Katie and Michelle and tell them what happened.”

  “While I’m peeing?”

  “Bitch, please don’t act like you don’t text and poo. I know you do.”

  “Keep sassing and I’ll smack you in the uterus.”

  “Oh, you’re such a bitch,” she laughed.

  “I’ll be right back.”

  I stared at myself in the mirror while washing my hands. So this is what I look like at four in the morning. How Tony could ever love this face, I’ll never know. Alissa had waddled into my room a little after midnight panting and panicking. I walked her downstairs and gathered up the bags then went to wake up Dani. That one can roll out of bed, smooth her hair, brush her teeth, and look like a million bucks. I, on the other hand, don’t work that way.

  I let the warm water run over my hands and wondered what I would say to Alissa in the days to come. The next few hours, the next minute. I stared at my reflection and tried to find the courage to face this impossible situation with Alissa while not alienating Dani. For someone with a gift of always saying the right thing, my words were failing me.

  Chapter Forty-Three

  Not Gon’ Cry

  Alissa

  I woke up to the sun shining and mild cramping. They said this might happen. I glanced at Chance who was asleep in the chair and would be really pissed by the crick she’s definitely going to have after that position. I ran my hand over my belly to confirm the absence of the little guest. Elvis has left the building. I tried to move, but the delivery left me feeling like I’d gone eight hours in the gym, so I gave up.

  It’s over. He’s officially Dani’s son and my part is done. I shoved aside the ache in my heart and thought of the positive things surrounding this day. I could drink heavily when I get home. No more heartburn. I can sleep on my stomach. I can sleep through the night. (Haha, Dani, eat that. Those days are over for you.) No more peeing eighty-seven times a day. No more prenatal horse pills or weekly doctor’s visits. I can get back in the gym and start running again. No more food aversions and weird cravings of shit I don’t even like.

  A soft knock at the door roused Chance. She looked at me with glassy eyes. “Who the fuck is that?”

  I shushed her. “Come in.”

  The nurse came in pushing a basinet with Dani close behind. “Good morning,” the nurse said. “You have a visitor.”

  I fingerwaved at Dani and smiled. She smiled back and shook her head. “Alissa, you’re the toughest woman I know.”

  I grinned. “Takes more than natural childbirth to beat me. Although, I do feel like I’ve gone ten rounds with Tyson.” The nurse checked my vital signs and asked about my comfort level. I said, “A little cramping but nothing major.”

  “I’ll bring you something. Are you ready to use the bathroom? Maybe shower?”

  Chance frowned and asked, “She just gave birth four hours ago. Do you think that’s a good idea?”

  The nurse smiled. “The female body is a miraculous thing. She’ll be fine.”

  I removed the blankets from my legs and tried to sit up. “Good god, I’m whipped.” I sucked air between my teeth as the pressure of sitting grabbed my attention. “How long is that going to last? Damn.”

  “You have a few stitches, and you’re going to be sore for a week or two. I’ve got a list of instructions for you when you get home.”

  I heard the baby grunt and looked at Dani. She smiled. “Would you like to see him?”

  I nodded and looked at the nurse. “I’ve carried the little guy for the last forty weeks, certainly I can see him before we do all this.”

  “Of course. I’ll go get the meds and fresh water.” She grabbed the pitcher and left the room.

  Dani reached into the basinet and retrieved the tiny grunting bundle. She kissed his forehead and placed him in my arms. I stared down at his little red face, his sweet little nose, and tiny little lips. Dani lifted his hat. “Look at all that hair.” Black hair, just like Mark.

  I smiled. “Let’s just hope that’s all he got from his father.”

  “He’s perfect, Lis.” Dani whispered.

  “Yes, he is. Hi, buddy.” He cracked his eyes and looked at me. “Oh goodness, do you recognize my voice? Hi, there. You’ve been a pain in my ass for the last nine months. Yes, you have.”

  Chance chuckled. “Way to cuss in front of the baby, Lis.”

  I lifted the corner of the papoose roll and inspected his hands. “Nice big hands. You gonna be a ball player? Huh?” I kissed his cheek and tightened the blanket back around him. “There.” He stared at my face and into my soul. I felt the questions boring into my mind. Why didn’t you want me? How could you give me away?

  The ache in my heart threatened to surface, and I couldn’t break down in front of Dani. I handed him to her. “I, uh . . . I’m cramping pretty bad. Here. Take him, please.”

  She scooped him up. “It’s about time for his bottle, anyway. Lis, there’s something we didn’t talk about. I didn’t even think about it, but they asked me, so I’m asking you. Are you interested in pumping breast milk for him?”

  Chance’s voice split the air. “No, she is not.”

  Dani was taken aback and frowned. “Is that an inappropriate question?”

  Chance said, “No, but the answer is no.”

  I met Dani’s questioning gaze and shook my head. “I don’t think so, Dani. That’s a big commitment, and I don’t think it’s a good idea.”

  “Fair enough,” she said as she put him in the basinet. “Are we still good with the name we picked out? I have to fill out the birth certificate information.”

  I nodded and asked, “Are you still good with it?”

  “I think it fits. Tristan Joel it is.”

  “You know I’m going to call him T.J., right?”

  Dani shook her head and chuckled. “If that’s as bad as it gets, I’ll be happy.”

  The nurse returned. “Here you go. Take these, and here’s some fresh water. Are you ready for your shower?”

  I nodded and slid my legs to the side of the bed. Gotta keep moving, right?

  Early the next morning, Dr. DeMario made rounds and deemed me fine for discharge. He smiled. “We’ll get you scheduled for a follow-up appointment, and if you need anything in the meantime, please feel free to call.” He shook my hand and waved at Chance.

  She hadn’t left my side outside of the occasional coffee run since she’d driven like a bat out of hell when I was in labor. I blame her for the quick progression, because she scared the baby out of me. But we’ll address that later. I looked at her and smiled. “I’m busting out of here today.”

  She rolled her head and groaned, “Thank God. I need a shower and a real cup of coffee. And my bed. And my dog. And my pillow.”

  “So what you’re saying is you’d like to leave?”

  She sipped her coffee and flipped her middle finger at me. “Yes. I need to find out what the plan is for Tristan. When they’re discharging him, all that.” She stood. “Be right back. Need anything?”

  “Nope. I just want to get out of here.”

  She gave me thumbs up and left the room. I stared at the clock and ignored the vacant hole in my chest. Round and round the little second hand ticked. No matter what was going on in the world that little hand would still be ticking away. The happiest moments of my life? Tick, tick, tick. The miserable? Tick, tick, tick. You can beg and beg for more time or for time to fly, but it’s its own master and watchers beware.

  Chance returned. “They’re discharging Tristan, too, so we can all leave at the same time.” I nodded and slid my legs to the side of the bed. She held out her hand. “You got it?”

  I grunted, “Yeah, I’m good. Will you hand me my pants, please?”

  “These yoga pants are probably going to be a little stretched out.”

  “I’m
just going home. As long as they stay up ‘til I get to the car, I’m solid.” She hesitated then handed them over along with my bra and t-shirt. Her face held fifty emotions in place as she avoided my eyes and slid my flip-flops to me. “Thank you,” I said. “I know you’re exhausted, but thank you so much for staying with me.”

  “It’s what we do, sister. Not going to lie, I’m really worried about you, but I figure we’ll get drunk tonight, have a good cry, and start trying to figure all this out from there.”

  “Oh yes. I want lots of wine tonight.”

  “You shall have it. Look, Lis . . . I don’t . . . I don’t know what it’s going to be like at home.

  I leveled my eyes at her. “It will be fine. I did my job, all right? I was the good little organ donor, and now it’s up to Dani to be the mother.”

  Chance’s eyes widened and she sucked in her breath. “Is that how you feel?”

  I slid my shirt over my head. “Yep.” I slid back into bed and stared at the clock waiting for the second hand to motivate the rest of the hands to move and get me the hell out of there.

  An hour later the nurse wheeled me to the front of the hospital where Chance was waiting with the Navigator. Dani and Tristan were close behind. Once the big, happy family was all loaded in the car, Chance eased into traffic and headed toward the house. I stared out the window and watched the scenery pass by. People in cars, people on foot, people working, people laughing, people staring back at me. Hollow. They’re the ones I nodded to.

  Tristan fussed in the back seat, and my boobs instantly responded to his cry. They said it would go away in a few days when my body figured out I wasn’t going to breast feed. Meanwhile, the need to feed him was primal. I took a deep breath and let it out slowly.

  Out with the hatred, in with peace. Out with hatred, in with peace.

  I thought of my sisters, their babies, and my mother. I thought of midnight feedings, colic, diaper rash, high fevers, potty training, and all the other things I learned to do before I ever got my first period. I thought of that cold bedroom and how it felt to be discarded by my own mother to satisfy another douchebag who wasn’t fond of kids. I thought of the blood that ran through my veins—my mother’s blood. I thought of cocktail parties and spur-of-the-moment weekend getaways, things I couldn’t do if I had a baby.

  Chance reached for my hand and gave it a squeeze. I squeezed back then slipped my hand to my lap. We pulled into the driveway at the house and started the procession into the house. I half expected Michelle and Katie to come squealing into our arms and help divert the attention off me so I could hide in my room, but I knew they weren’t there. According to Chance, they both were ass-deep in kid functions and domestic hell and couldn’t get flights to work. Yeah, those airline gift cards were a waste of money. Yet another reason why motherhood isn’t for me.

  I headed upstairs and left Chance to help Dani get Tristan’s stuff in the house and all put away. She didn’t have an opportunity to aunt-out on the little guy in the hospital since she was on sentry duty with me, but I had needed her more. I dropped my purse and slid into bed while listening to Dani and Chance coo over Tristan in the next room. He must have had one nasty diaper judging by Chance’s expletive and simultaneous gag.

  She slid into my room and took a deep breath. “Holy hell, that’s awful.”

  I mumbled, “Wait til he gets a little older. It gets much worse.”

  “Need me to get you anything?”

  I shook my head. “Nah, I’m good. I’m just tired.”

  She stared at me a little too long then nodded. “Well, let me know if you want something. I’m your servant at your beck and call.” She bowed.

  “Actually, I would really like a glass of wine.”

  “Just a glass?” she winked.

  “Better put on your tennis shoes, because I’m going to run your ass up and down the stairs.”

  She glanced over her shoulder. “Why don’t you come sit on the balcony with me? I’ll bring up a bottle in ice and we can enjoy the view while we get tore down.”

  I said, “I just shoved a seven pound kid through my vagina. The idea of sitting isn’t appealing yet.”

  She laughed and faked a shiver. “God, don’t say such things. Okay, you lay here, and I’ll sit. How’s that?”

  “You don’t have to babysit me, Chance. You better keep an eye on Dani, though.”

  She huffed, “I’m not babysitting you. I’m just—”

  “Babysitting.”

  She threw up her hands. “Want me to leave you alone? I can do that, sister.”

  I nodded. “Yeah, close the door behind you, please.”

  She blinked a few times, sighed, and walked to the door. “Do you still want the wine?”

  “Yes.”

  She mumbled, “I should push you down the stairs and make you get it yourself.”

  “Love you too.”

  She shook her head and left the room. I sighed and buried my face in the pillow. I did what I said I was going to do. I followed the plan, executed it to perfection, and Tristan is a healthy baby boy. I signed him over to Dani, and she’s legally his mother. In a few days, after the shock of childbirth wears off and the giant rip in my soul starts to heal, things will look better. I hope.

  One Week Later

  Chance came in the room and threw open the curtains. “Come on, Lis. Up and at ‘em.”

  I groaned and shielded my face from the light. “What the hell, Chance?”

  She pulled the blankets off me and clapped her hands. “You’re getting up today.”

  I rolled over. “In a little bit.”

  She said, “Alissa, it’s been a week and you’ve only been out of this bed to pee.” I heard the wine bottles clink together as she gathered them in her arms. “Come on. I need your help today.”

  “Chance Bradley doesn’t need help with anything.”

  She stood over me. “Do I have to pick you up?”

  I chuckled, “If you think you can.” She put one arm under my neck and the other under my legs and lifted me off the bed. “Chance, put me down!”

  She huffed, “You gonna do it on your own? Jesus, you smell.”

  I mumbled, “If you weren’t up my ass right now, you wouldn’t smell me.”

  She faked dropping me. “Can’t hold on much longer. You gonna move?”

  “Yes, put me down, dammit.”

  She sat me on the bed and stretched her back. “You’re heavier than you look.”

  I scratched my greasy head. “I would have bet a thousand dollars you couldn’t lift me.”

  She flexed her arms. “I work out.”

  “Liar,” I chuckled. “What do you need help with?”

  “You’ll see.” She held out her hand. “Come on.”

  I took her hand and let her lead me to the shower. She turned it on. “Get naked, sister.”

  I gaped, “Are you going to monitor me?”

  “You wanna act like a crazy person? Hell yes, I’m going to monitor you.” She adjusted the water and asked, “Is that too hot?”

  I put my hand in the water and sucked air through my teeth. “Geez, are you trying to boil me?”

  “Nope, just trying to knock the funk off. There. Step on in.”

  I slipped out of my t-shirt and pajama pants. “Will you at least turn around so I can tend to my maxi pad alone?”

  She spun around. “Yeah, ‘cause I’ve never seen a bloody pad ever.”

  I rolled my eyes, finished my business, and stepped into the shower. I sighed in spite of myself and groaned, “Mmm shower.”

  Chance said, “I’m going to change your sheets. I’ll be right back.”

  I stood under the water and let it roll over my head and face. Out of habit, I ran my hand over my now shrunken belly, and reality slapped me in the face. The baby was out in the world, and I was alone again. I adjusted the water to chase away the chill trying to settle on my skin and moved further under the showerhead.

  Out with the sadness, i
n with peace. Out with sadness, in with peace.

  The baby wasn’t mine. I was a surrogate for Dani, and I did a good deed for a friend in need.

  Out with the sadness, in with peace.

  I sighed and thought about the house in Columbia. I never got the living room repainted. I should probably do that before I put it on the market.

  My heart slammed in my chest. Dani and the baby live in that house, too. Dani planned on buying a house when we got back from Florida but hasn’t done it yet. Fuck. My pulse quickened as my breath halted in my lungs. I bent over and put my hands on my knees to keep from falling over. I squeaked, “Chance?”

  She appeared in the door and pulled open the shower stall door. “Jesus, what’s wrong?”

  I panted, “They live with me.”

  “Yeah, honey, they do, but just for a few more weeks.”

  I shook my head and spit out the water running over my mouth. “No. In Columbia. They live with me, Chance.”

  “Wait right here, Lis. Take a few deep breaths, and I’ll be right back.”

  I inhaled slowly and exhaled as I braced myself against the cool ceramic tile. Electric shocks coursed through my veins and exploded out my palms. I waved them around and took another deep breath as Chance reappeared.

  “Here. Take this.” She put a pill in my hand. “Use the shower water to rinse it down.”

  I popped the pill in my mouth and filled my mouth with hot shower water. I swallowed the pill and took another deep breath. “What the hell is wrong with me?”

  “Panic attack, Lis. I used to have them all the time. Listen, okay? Just focus on one thing right now. You focus on breathing and listen to my instructions. Have you washed your hair yet?” I shook my head. “Okay, grab the shampoo bottle and squeeze shampoo into your hair.”

  I took a deep breath and grabbed the bottle. “Geez, my hands are shaking.”

  “I know, but they’ll stop soon, honey. Just focus on doing the next thing and don’t think. Right now, you’re just taking a shower. You’re not in Columbia, you’re not living with anyone, you’re just naked as a jaybird in front of your best friend who’s a little pissed that you gave birth a week ago and still have a better figure than she does.”