Michael's Secrets

by Milton Stern

  “Michael, you are so skinny,” Steve said. “I’m so scared. They are going to remove part of my intestines.” Steve continued to cry, and Michael pulled a tissue out of his pocket and wiped away the tears.

  “Don’t be scared, Steve, I’m right here,” he said as he held Steve’s hand.

  “Did Nathan call you?” he asked between sobs.

  Michael told him yes, and then he stroked his hair. “You put product in your hair?”

  Steve smiled, “Yeah, I wanted to look good when I came in.” He continued to cry and said, “Kurt is on his way, too.”

  “Who’s Kurt?” Michael asked.

  “Oh, he’s this guy I met online, and he’s really nice. He’s painted my home and put up a ceiling fan. He’s so good to me.”

  Michael’s heart sank, and his depression suddenly returned. This was a mistake. What am I doing here? He already met someone online who was allowed in his home and into his life. Steve actually sensed Michael’s discomfort.

  “You’ll see my home, you will,” Steve said, realizing for the first time he had upset Michael.

  Michael looked into his eyes, which were filled with tears and bloodshot, but which still pulled him in, and he said, “It has been over two months since I’ve seen you. That’s too long.”

  Michael stroked his head one more time and kissed him on the forehead. Steve proceeded to feel Michael up and grabbed his left nipple before he backed away. Michael asked the nurse, who was standing there fiddling with the tubes, what Steve was on, and he said, “Morphine and Adavan.”

  “No wonder he’s being so nice to me,” he said directly to the nurse.

  He asked Steve in a whisper, “Does the doctor know you’re on steroids?” Steve looked at Michael with surprise as if it were a big secret. “I know I can act naïve, Steve, but look at you,” Michael said motioning over his shoulders and arms.

  “The doctor knows, and he knows about the human growth hormone also,” Steve acknowledged. Michael was amazed at what lengths he would go to for the sake of his appearance.

  Michael told him he loved him, and Steve said, “I love you, too, mister.”

  As he walked out, he ran into Tom and said, “He’s a mess.”

  “Yeah,” Tom said. “He can be a big baby.”

  “Who’s Kurt?” Michael asked.

  “Oh that’s his new boyfriend,” Tom confirmed with a smirk. Steve was upset when Tom had a new boyfriend, yet he had one all along. “Steve’s a selfish prick. If you ask me, I think he’s just using this guy to get things done around his condo,” Tom added.

  Michael did not react, so he would not end up in the middle. He then said his goodbyes and left.

  When Michael arrived back at the apartment, he called Mark and told him what he did and how he knew something was wrong. Mark said what Michael did was fine as he is a caring person, but that he need not do anymore. Michael then called Dr. Mikowsky, and he agreed with Mark, yet he warned him not to visit Steve and to move on as he would be drawn in again and revert to his old behaviors.

  Michael wished he had listened.

  He knew Mark and Dr. Mikowsky advised against it, but Michael decided it was best for him to visit Steve one last time to be sure he was OK. The morning after his emergency surgery, Steve text messaged Michael with, “I love you, mister,” but he was sure it was the medication still talking.

  On Monday, May 22, Michael again headed over to the hospital. Once inside, Michael got lost as usual. He could drive anywhere without getting lost, but once inside a building, he was always walking in circles. Steve was in room 3F22A. What kind of number is that? Michael thought. After getting directions from three orderlies, he located the room. There was a sign that said, knock before entering. Michael didn’t knock, thinking, screw the rules for once.

  Michael stood there for a few seconds taking deep breaths and then entered the room. Steve was lying in the bed, with a tube in his nose, an oxygen tube under that, an IV drip and still connected to a foly catheter. He looked up and said, “Hi, Michael.”

  Steve’s hair was perfect.

  There were two other men in the room, and Michael finally met Kurt. Kurt was not as Michael expected. He stood about five-nine with a shaved head and was much older than Steve. He was in his late forties and said he was an emergency room doctor. Kurt was friendly enough, shaking Michael’s hand and smiling. There was another guy there around twenty-two years old, who had no personality and looked like a redneck. Michael didn’t quite catch his name, thinking it was Matt or Mitch or something like that.

  “How are you, Steve?” Michael asked as he approached the bed.

  “Oh, he is in a lot of pain,” Kurt began. “He can’t eat until he passes gas, and we are waiting for his intestines to wake up. He was supposed to go to a job interview this morning at the CIA, but they were rude on the phone, and I talked to them, but it didn’t help. I tried to get a refund on his airline ticket for Memorial Day Weekend to Chicago for IML, but they were being dicks about it. He did walk around today. I spent the night last night and pulled the other bed over, so I could be next to him …”

  He continued like this until Michael interrupted and said to Steve, “Wow, you didn’t even move your lips.”

  Kurt smiled and was not even fazed by Michael’s remark.

  Steve grabbed Michael’s hand and looked at him. He bent over to kiss him and asked Kurt, “Is it all right to give him a kiss? I don’t know if you’re the boyfriend or not.”

  Kurt said, “I’m not his boyfriend.”

  Michael kissed Steve on the forehead while holding is left hand and said again, “It’s been over two months since I have seen you. I was here yesterday, but you probably don’t remember.”

  “I am in so much pain. I remember you being here. You look so good,” Steve finally spoke, weakly though.

  As Michael stroked his hair, he noticed it was gelled. “You did your hair again?”

  “Oh yeah, I brought some product from the house, and we made sure he looked good,” the emergency room doctor Steve met online, who apparently had a lot of time off, said.

  “How long are you staying today?” Michael asked the new man in Steve’s life.

  “We’ll stay until his friends get off work around six. I don’t want him to be alone,” said Kurt, whom Michael was beginning to dislike.

  He decided to ignore Kurt as it might be the best way to conduct a conversation with Steve. Besides, a doctor should know that he needed rest and not have a lot of company right after surgery. Michael also noticed a DVD player sitting on the tray with a movie playing on it.

  “Is there anything you need? I’ll be in town all weekend, so if you need anything, I can come over in a minute,” Michael said directly to Steve.

  “Oh, he got all his grocery shopping done, and I’ll be here,” the overly garrulous physician chimed in.

  Michael looked at Kurt and said, “Do you and your friend need to go eat lunch or something? I can stay here with Steve for a while if you’re worried about him being alone.”

  “Oh no, we’re fine,” Kurt said. But Mitch or Marty or whatever his name was looked bored.

  Michael didn’t really care who the kid was or why he was there with the hyperactive doctor, but he was disappointed he could not have a conversation with Steve, as this would probably be the last time he ever saw him, and Michael had to spend it with his new friend and “vacuous-boy.” He also made a mental note of the situation, so he could one day work it into a script. He then told Steve that he would be in D.C. only another week and a half before heading back to LA.

  Ignoring Michael, Steve said, “Did you know I will be bachelor of the month in InsideOut Magazine?” Typical Steve, he thought upon hearing this, it is all about him and his latest photo op.

  “Yes, I’m a subscriber. The pictures will probably look great as you always photograph beautifully,” he told him.

  “He even looks good now, don’t you think?” Kurt, who could not shut up for one minute, said
.

  “I cannot work out for two months,” Steve told him.

  Michael touched his head and said, “Good, you can work on what is up here and not what is below your neck for a change.”

  Michael saw Steve had a bare foot sticking out of the sheets, and he said as he prepared to leave, “Want me to lick your toes?”

  “No, I don’t want to get a hard-on with this foly in. I got one this morning, and it hurt, and I had to make it go away,” Steve said, not smiling but grimacing in pain.

  “Yeah, he was in pain when that happened,” Kurt who had to be a part of everything said.

  Michael had had enough.

  He kissed Steve on the forehead one more time, held his hand and told him to get well soon and call him if he needed anything. He also said to Steve, “I want you to know that I do love you and always will.” He then said quick goodbyes to Kurt and the kid, whose name he could not remember and left.

  As Michael found out when he called Steve’s friend Nathan to give him an update the day before, Steve not only had to have a section of his intestines removed, but also the doctor who performed the liposuction had done something to create a great deal of scar tissue, puncturing his intestines, and causing the blockage. In addition, injecting anabolic steroids three weeks after his liposuction followed by a cycle of human growth hormone only exacerbated the condition.

  Michael was convinced Mark and Dr. Mikowsky were wrong. Visiting Steve again was the best thing Michael ever did. It was then he realized that although he was still in love with him, he could never be in a relationship with Steve. He did not want a lover, boyfriend or partner, Steve wanted a mother. Part of Michael wanted to pull Kurt out into the hall and ask him if he knew what he was doing. Kurt had called Steve’s potential employer. Kurt had painted his apartment. Kurt tried to get a refund for his airline tickets. Kurt even did his grocery shopping before Steve became ill! Steve needed rest, and this so-called doctor refused to give it to him. “Vaysmir,” Michael said out loud as he walked down the hallway.

  The scariest thing of all to Michael was that could almost have been he. But after a few moments, Michael knew that would never have happened. Michael knew he had co-dependent tendencies and wanted to take care of people, but he never wanted to be at someone’s beck and call twenty-four hours a day. Michael now realized what Steve meant when he said, “If you don’t want to make yourself available to me, then fine.”

  Michael wondered if this “Kurt the Quack” would burn out or just hang on for eternity like some gripper. What was he – the boyfriend, a friend, a severe co-dependent? Michael did know deep down that Kurt was in love with Steve and hoping he could make Steve fall in love with him. “Good luck, Kurt,” Michael said as he navigated his way to the Metrobus stop and walked over to the smoking area. As he lit a cigarette, Michael breathed a sigh of relief. Weird as it may sound, he was glad to have met the new man in Steve’s life, knowing he, himself, could never be that. As Michael waited for the bus, he also knew that he had come completely out of his depression.

  For close to five months, he was sick over a guy he could never have, and as it turned out, did not need, and the more Michael thought about it, never wanted. Michael put out the cigarette and threw the rest of the pack into the trash can.

  Life goes on.

  Chapter Twelve

  On June 1, 2006, Michael arrived in Santa Monica to an empty house. He had left shortly after Aunt Clara died, exactly one year before, and really did not realize how much he still missed her until his first night back home. Michael was very happy to be back in California and looking forward to going back to regular therapy sessions also. Filming for Romancing the Capitol would begin in the fall, but Michael made up his mind he was not going back for that. Sharon and he agreed that he could do any re-writes from the West Coast because he was just not psychologically equipped at the moment to handle being there anymore.

  However, he was excited and happy for the first time in a long time. He had begun eating again, but he was also determined to keep his weight down enjoying the thin Michael to the not-so-thin Michael as he referred to his yo-yoing weight over the years. He also did something he had not done in almost a decade – went jogging in broad daylight with his shirt off, confident enough to compete with the California pretty boys who were half his age.

  HTO called the day after he arrived home and asked Michael about the pilot for the one-camera sitcom they would shoot in Los Angeles. Michael had finished it but told them he would have it on their desks in one week as he wanted to make some minor changes. With Birthright’s success, Michael felt he had a secure future, even if the sitcom was not picked up. Sid had secured Michael a short-time writing gig with a highly-rated summer replacement series, and although he enjoyed working regularly with this new writing team, it was not like Los Angeles Live. HTO promised Michael that if the pilot was picked up, he would not only be head writer, but also executive producer with Mark Greenberg producing and Peggy Martin directing. With that team, he was sure the show would be a success.

  HTO approved the script for the pilot and arranged to film it at the end of the summer, so Michael soon found himself resigning from the summer replacement series as he was now busy with Mark and Peggy, casting the show and putting together a crew.

  At the end of July, Sam arrived back in California and called and apologized for not contacting Michael sooner as his cell phone would not work in Argentina, but Michael told him that was all right as he received regular updates on his career from Sid. He wanted to see Michael, so he told Sam to come over that Saturday night, and they would go out to dinner.

  Saturday arrived, and Michael was so involved with the pilot and constantly on the phone with Mark and Peggy that he lost track of time and realized Sam would be over in about twenty minutes. He hung up the phone and quickly got undressed to take a shower, when there was a knock on the door. He threw on some shorts and went to the door peeking through the window. It was Sam, and he was early. Michael opened the door, and Sam walked in wearing jeans and a red dress shirt, looking better than the last time he saw him. Sam hugged him tightly, remaining around him for some time as Michael hugged him back. He then stepped back to look at Michael, and he realized that was the first time Sam had seen him with his shirt off. They had made out before but never had sex.

  “Damn, Michael, how much weight did you lose, you look so fucking hot!” Sam said, whistling as he stood there embarrassed. “Turn around for me, let me see it all.” He turned around, and Sam grabbed his butt and squeezed it and said, “Are you sure you are ten years older than I? You look yummy!”

  “Thanks, Sam, you look pretty damn delicious yourself,” Michael said, “How did you find time to work out on a movie set? Listen, I lost all track of time. I’m going to hop into the shower, and I’ll be ready in five minutes, promise. Make yourself at home. There are sodas in the fridge.”

  Michael went into the bathroom, took off his shorts, turned on the shower and stepped in. As he lathered up, Sam asked him, “So, are you glad to be home?” Michael realized Sam wasn’t speaking from another room in the house, but was standing in the bathroom while he showered. He didn’t care, and to be honest, he was glad Sam was so close.

  “God yes. Washington had way too much drama for me, more drama than Hollywood. I don’t ever want to go back there again. I’ll tell you about it over dinner,” he answered.

  “Good, because I want you here with me,” Sam said, as he opened the shower door and stepped in.

  “What are you doing?” he asked as Sam stepped closer to Michael and grabbed the bar of soap from Michael’s hand.

  “Something I have wanted to do since the moment you put your hand on mine to show me how to shift your gears,” Sam said as he ran the soap down Michael’s torso and proceeded to touch him as he had not been touched in several months. “MMM, how many speeds does this gear shift have,” Sam said as he stroked Michael, who laughed at his corny humor.

  He grabbed Sam, who was e
qually excited and said, “I hope as many gears as you have.”

  Sam leaned in to kiss Michael, and they made out in the steam. They meshed perfectly together, and Michael felt so comfortable in Sam’s arms. They continued to stroke each other, never parting lips, and within minutes, they both came.

  Afterward, they decided not to go out to dinner and ordered Chinese take-out instead – with chopsticks.

  That entire evening Michael wondered if he could fall in love with a guy like Sam. He was a nice Jewish boy, and they would make a great couple. This is the man Michael needed to be with, but he knew that in some weird way he was still in love with Steve. However, he wanted to give Sam a chance. In the back of his mind, Michael worried that if things did not work out with Sam, they would ruin what so far was a wonderful friendship – now with benefits. He also never told Sam about Steve, and he vowed not to until the time was right.

  The next Tuesday, Michael arrived at Dr. Mikowsky’s office a few minutes early and vowed to insist the doctor let him redecorate the waiting area, which was dominated by depressing tans and blacks. It had been a year since they had seen each other in person.

  The door to his office opened, and the doctor motioned for Michael to come in. He sat down on the couch remembering the first time he came to see the doctor right after Florence died, on the recommendation of Dr. Sylvia Rose, and how they worked through Michael’s finishing The Girls as he told him the story of Hannah, Florence, Rona, Doreen, and Arlene. Although Michael liked him immediately, he didn’t want to reveal anything. He had to probe Michael to get him to open up, and it wasn’t until a couple of months into therapy that Michael began to tell him things he had told no one.

  He sat down opposite Michael, settling in his leather chair and putting his legal pad on the floor, choosing not to take notes right away. “So, Michael, how are you?”