Love to Hate You

by Jo Watson

  Giovanni hated absolutely everything she was trying on, and Ben was desperately trying to appease him. The producer looked like she had aged ten years overnight and was chewing on a fingernail while trying to assure the client that everything was under control. It was not. God, if this was what shoots were always like, I never wanted to go on one again. But the day was about to get even more horrendous, for me anyway.

  “No, no, no!” Only an hour into the shoot and the mad Italian was already yelling again.

  The crew stopped and looked once more. This time the morbid fascination was gone and it had been replaced by a kind of irritated weariness.

  “I can’t work with this anymore.” He was pacing up and down like a mad man. “It’s too much. I cannot do my job under these conditions.”

  Talk about a prima donna. Cindy had been left standing there by the car, which was pulling into the driveway of one of the old abandoned houses. Personally I thought the shot looked great, but then again, who the hell was I?

  “You see this stick!” Giovanni ripped a dead stick out the sand and held it up, clearly aware that he had a captive audience now. “See it is gnarled and burnt and twisted and broken and beautiful. It is not perfect. It has character, it has life, it has …”

  And then he turned to me and something fucking awful happened.

  “You!” he pointed at me with the stick and the entire crew looked over, including Ben. “You must be in the shoot.”

  “Huh?” I felt my eyes widen and my mouth fell open. A series of what?s rang out from the confused crowd.

  “You are like this stick. Don’t you see?” He was waving it around now with big arms and I’d lost him. I looked over at Ben who was clearly just as confused as I was. I shook my head.

  “See.” He ran over to me with the camera and pointed the screen in my face, and there I was. It was the photo he’d taken of me yesterday while I’d been looking in the mirror. Ben rushed over and peered into the camera too, and then more people came until everyone was crowded around me looking at the screen.

  “See. Look at the sweat dripping down her face, the make-up that looks like she’s just woken up, the dirt on her face, her slightly skew nose.”

  “Huh?” I lifted my finger to my nose, no one had ever told me that my nose was skew before. God, he was making me sound terrible.

  “Imperfect, but beautiful. She is not posing like a model, she just … is.”

  “I is nothing, guys,” I said backing away from the screen in total shock.

  “You must be in the shoot. It is the only way I will work. I cannot work with this woman, she is too model. She is not stick.”

  Jesus Christ. What was with this guy and his stupid stick analogy? “I’m not going to be in a shoot,” I quickly said.

  “Well, then I don’t shoot.” He tossed his very expensive camera down on the sand and an assistant shot out of nowhere and grabbed the thing and rushed it off. I scanned the crowd; everyone was looking at me.

  “Then you don’t shoot,” I said, turning and walking away from the total madness. Was he really being serious—it was the most ridiculous thing I’d ever heard.

  36. A Silence Before The Storm …

  I rushed over to one of the SUVs, climbed in and closed the door. I peered out the window and watched as a loud, lively debate looked like it had broken out. Everyone seemed to have an opinion, arms flapping, heads being held, fingers pointed and every now and again everyone would stop talking and look over at me in the car.

  Then suddenly stillness and silence. A silence before the storm? The crowd dispersed slowly, and like Moses and the Red Sea, Ben strode out of the middle of it and started walking towards the car. My stomach plunged. I was getting a very bad feeling about this. Very.

  “No! NO! No!” I mouthed through the window, locking the door as Ben got closer. I sat back in the chair and folded my arms defiantly.

  “Sera.” Ben was trying to open the car door. “Please open the door.”

  “No.” I turned to him, arms still folded tightly over my body. “You people are all mad. I told you I didn’t want to come on this shoot.”

  “Please. Just open the door.” He pushed his face all the way up to the window and looked at me with a pair of sad eyes … God those eyes were dangerous. They caused sensible women to do very stupid things … like unlocking the car door. Ben pulled it open and climbed in. I shuffled away from him quickly.

  “So it seems that Giovanni will not do the shoot unless you are his ‘stick,’” Ben gestured air commas.

  “Mm-hmm,” I mumbled. “So?”

  “And the thing is, that we have to do this shoot and we have to finish it now, we can’t come back and re-shoot it, we can’t get another model and we need to use Giovanni.”

  I turned and looked at Ben. “So what are you saying? That you want me to be his fucking stick?”

  “We need you to be his stick. Even the client agrees. And you looked so, so, incredibly beautiful in that shot he took. Everyone thinks so, not just me.”

  My face flushed red and I touched my hot cheeks. “This has got to be some sort of joke.”

  “No joke.” Ben reached out a hand and placed it on my knee, I flinched at his touch. “You know how you broke down the other night and I came out to help you?”

  “Yes.” I didn’t like where this was going.

  “You know how you promised you would come to my rescue when my car broke down?”

  “Yes.” I really, really didn’t like where this was going!

  “Well, my car just broke down. Big time. Its tyres are flat, there’s smoke pouring out of the engine, it’s about to fucking explode, and you are the only person in the world who can save me.”

  I looked up at Ben. He looked desperate. There was no longer anything cool and calm about him. I hung my head and shook it.

  “But I’m not a bloody model. I have no idea how to pose and look into the camera and pretend that I am in no way self-conscious about a whole bunch of people staring at me and—”

  “That’s the point. He doesn’t want a model. He wants you. Besides, he’s already sent Cindy home in a flood of tears so we basically have no one. It’s only a few shots, the rest are just close-ups of the car.”

  “That sounds so embarrassing. Everyone will be looking at me.” I glanced out the window and the entire crew were now standing in a line looking towards the car, as if they were trying to read our lips.

  “Please, rescue me!” Ben reached out and took my hand. “And if you don’t want to rescue me because you still moderately hate me, do it for the money instead.” At that I perked up.

  “I get paid?”

  “Of course. We have to pay a cancellation fee for Cindy, and then we would have needed to hire another model for the rest of the day, so you’ll get those fees.”

  “Really?” I looked up at Ben thinking about textbooks and groceries and getting a few nights off in the next month. Suddenly that seemed like something that would go a long way in quelling any anxiety I might have. But right now, that money didn’t mean as much as keeping a promise I made to Ben, and also, seeing him this upset was breaking my heart.

  “Fine. I’ll do it,” I said sliding towards Ben and the door.

  “Thanks.” Ben looked me in the eye and I felt his hand gently squeeze my leg, “This means a lot to me. I owe you, big time.”

  37. Too Much Leaning …

  An hour later I was dressed in something way too skimpy for my liking and had had my hair and make-up done. Giovanni had insisted that the make-up be minimal and the hair look messy, like “I’d just made love to someone for a whole day.” I’d tried not to gag at that.

  I walked onto the set trying to look as confident as possibly, even though I was dying inside. Reactions to the new me seemed very mixed; Angie was basically death staring me, Becks gave me the thumbs up, some of the other crew members were looking at me with confusion (clearly I wasn’t their type of stick) but Ben and Giovanni were staring.


  “Let’s start immediately. The sun will set soon,” Giovanni yelled and pushed me towards the car.

  “Do exactly what you were doing yesterday when you looked into the mirror,” he said.

  “Uh … okay,” I said awkwardly. I had no idea how the hell to do this, so I just bent down like I had and looked at myself.

  “Perfect!” Giovanni yelled and I heard the snapping. “Touch your hair!” he screamed moving closer to me. “Yes. Yes! Bella. Bella.” He sounded positively orgasmic now and it was so damn awkward, especially when he came up right behind me. “Now imagine you are about to make love to someone in the car. You want them, you need them, you—”

  “Stop!” I heard Ben shout from the sidelines and suddenly he was standing next to us as if he had moved there at the speed of light. “Sorry.” He started pushing Giovanni away from me. “I’m not sure it’s necessary for her to imagine that, hey?”

  I stopped looking in the mirror and stood up straight. Ben placed a hand on Giovanni’s shoulder and gave it a kind of manly squeeze and then a hard pat. “Right? No need for that?” And then he turned to me. “Don’t worry, you’re not making love to anyone in the car,” he said very firmly and I wanted to die of embarrassment. He moved off and Giovanni sighed and rolled his eyes.

  “Fine. Look into the mirror again then.” I bent over and looked into the mirror while Giovanni started clicking again.

  “Perfect. Yes! Just like that. Now wipe the side of your mouth, like you’ve just been kissing someone for hours and you still have their taste on your mouth and your lips are stinging for them.”

  “Whoa. Stop!” I stood up and saw Ben marching towards us again. He walked right up to Giovanni once more and strategically placed himself between us. “Let’s drop her kissing or sleeping with anyone, shall we, buddy?” Ben was smiling but he had a dangerous quality to his voice. And I’d never heard him call anyone buddy before, it was unnerving. I felt so self-conscious right now and my body felt numb with embarrassment. I readjusted my skirt and looked out at the crowd. Becks and Angie were huddled together whispering and a few of the other crew members were smiling. God, what was everyone thinking?

  Ben gave his “buddy” another pat on the shoulder and then walked away again, shooting Giovanni a dangerous warning glance as he went. Giovanni mumbled something that must have been in Italian and then told me to look in the mirror again. Suddenly I had a whole new respect for models. The poor women. Moved around like mannequins, told what to do over and over and over again.

  I looked in the mirror again feeling my face flush. This was the stupidest thing I had ever done in my entire life and I just wanted it to be over now. I felt something around my waist and looked down to see Giovanni’s hand wrapping around it.

  “Just lean back a little.” He pulled my hips and I was forced to lean back, my ass almost colliding with his general crotch area. “Now look into the mirror again.”

  Fuck! I looked into the mirror once more and could feel the heat coming off Giovanni’s body behind me. He was so close to me I could feel his breathe on my neck.

  “Stop! For fuck’s sake.” Ben’s voice rang out again and I could see him marching back to us once more. “Why are we even shooting her in the close-ups? We’re meant to be shooting the models in the wides. There’s no need to be right here.” Ben stuck an arm out and started pushing Giovanni back again. This was getting so awkward now and everyone was staring!

  “But I want to shoot her in the close-up, with the mirror.”

  “Well, that’s not what the shooting board said.”

  “I’m changing the shooting board,” Giovanni said angrily.

  “Well, I’m the Creative Director, and I say you are shooting the models in a wide and the car parts close up.” Ben bit his lip, he looked like he was fuming now and not doing a very good job at hiding it. What the hell was everyone thinking? I didn’t want to look up. I stood completely still and could feel the death stares that the two men were busy giving each other.

  “What’s wrong with you?” he asked Ben.

  “What’s wrong with me is that I don’t appreciate you touching my staff like that,” Ben hissed back.

  “Your staff? Is that what she is?” he said in a mocking tone that made me want to die. I looked up and Ben took a step closer to him.

  “Show some fucking respect when talking about Sera, okay?” Ben pointed a finger in his face and Giovanni smiled slyly.

  “Fine. Sure.” Giovanni started backing away from me.

  Ben’s arm came up and touched my elbow quickly. “Sorry, but if that guy touches you one more time, I think I’m going to kill him.” Ben walked off again and my heart started beating in my throat. I wasn’t sure whether to be flattered, or downright frightened by Ben’s overprotectiveness. Oh, who was I kidding, of course I was flattered.

  “Sera, I want you to open the door of the car like you are about to climb in.” Giovanni was far away now and Ben had a self-satisfied smirk on his face.

  “Okay.” I walked over to the door and opened it. The sun was blazing down on me and I was starting to sweat and this dress was really starting to itch in all the wrong places.

  I pulled the door open and stood by it.

  “Now put your hand on the roof of the car and lean in like you are looking for something.”

  “Uh … okay.” I did what he said, I just wanted this to all be over.

  “Lean more,” Giovanni shouted and waved an arm in my direction.

  I leaned. My dress started creeping up.

  “More!” he shouted again as the camera clicked wildly.

  I continued to lean. More dress creeping.

  “More!” he yelled.

  “CUT! Stop.” I heard that familiar voice again. “I think she’s done enough leaning, don’t you think?” Ben walked up to Giovanni and snatched the camera out of his hand.

  “Hey. What the hell are you doing?” Giovanni grabbed the camera back.

  “Just deleting that last one. A bit too much leaning, if you ask me.” He gave Giovanni a pseudo-friendly smile and then waved his arm in the direction of the wardrobe department. “Take her a robe, that’s enough.”

  Ben shouted over at them and they came running towards me with a long white robe. I wrapped it around my tense body and hurried off with them.

  “But I’m not finished with her,” Giovanni protested.

  “Oh yes you are. Trust me. You are so done with her.” Ben started walking off the set and Giovanni screamed after him.

  “But what am I supposed to do now?”

  38. Fuck You Or Marry You …

  I stood in the wardrobe tent shaking. This whole thing had turned into a total nightmare and I was dreading knowing what everyone was thinking. Why had I agreed to something so stupid?

  Ben suddenly barged into the tent and gestured for the wardrobe people to get out. They obeyed him immediately. He had the kind of look on his face that would probably stop a charging bull.

  “I’m so sorry I talked you into that.” He rushed over and placed his hands on the sides of my face. “Jesus, what a prick. I shouldn’t have asked you to do that. I’m sorry.”

  “It’s fine,” I said.

  “But he was putting his hands all over you, I just couldn’t fucking take it.”

  I pulled away from him and walked to the other end of the tent, clutching my robe to me. “Don’t worry about it, seriously. No harm done.”

  “Or course there was harm done,” he said, and it sounded like the whole experience had harmed him way more than it had actually harmed me.

  “Fuck, do you have any idea what this is doing to me, Sera?” He shook his head and looked over to me.

  “I … I don’t know,” I said.

  “You’re killing me here. I am so fucking crazy jealous right now I want to punch that guy in his pretty Italian face.”

  “Please, don’t,” I said quickly. Was he joking? Would he really do that?

  “Sera, Sera, Sera.” He sounded genu
inely exasperated. “You’re driving me totally mental right now and I don’t know what to do with you, whether I should fuck you, or marry you, or both.”

  My blood froze. Fuck me or marry me? What did that even mean?

  “I don’t want anyone else to touch you like that again.”

  I shook my head. “That’s not really for you to decide.”

  “Did you like it when he touched you then?” he asked.

  “No. I mean, I don’t know. It was so short. I barely felt it. Besides, it was weird and everyone was watching me.”

  “Even the briefest touch can give you that feeling.”

  “Feeling?”

  “It’s the feeling that I’ve had since I first touched you that night.” He took a small step closer to me. “It’s all I can think about when I see you and it takes all my self-control not to just walk over to your desk and throw you over it. And if I close my eyes,” he closed them momentarily, “I swear I can still feel you and taste you. Your touch is like a drug and all I want is my next hit … that’s the feeling.”

  I shook my head, speechless. I felt like I didn’t have the actual vocabulary to reply to that. I finally did, though. “No. It wasn’t like that.”

  “So it wasn’t like this then?”

  Before I knew what was happening, Ben launched himself across the room and started kissing me. It was hungry and desperate and I immediately went along with it. He started walking me backwards and suddenly the back of my knees slammed into the table. It stopped us both and we stared into each other’s eyes. His pupils were dilated. His eyes were glazed over with pure lust and hunger and I wanted it. I wanted him. I wanted everything, anything, and more. All of it.

  “God, I want you, Sera,” he whispered into my neck.

  “Then have me.”

  “Fuck, you have no idea how good that sounds.” Ben pushed my robe open and ran his hand down the front of my body. He inhaled sharply and I could feel he was hard. He wouldn’t have been able to hide it if he tried. He thrust his hips into mine and we both let out a series of ragged, sharp breaths.

  A noise outside the tent caused us to both look up. This was so not the right time or place for this.